African Princess

"I have a favor." my sister texted to me.

I ignored it and just kept driving. I did that partly because she never contacts me unless she's planning to screw me over but also because I'm just an asshole in general. Don't judge, I was born this way.

I was on my way to pick up my surround sound system and I had been saving up for it for months. Crystal already owed me about four thousand from when I had helped her with a loan and then she skipped out on it and I ended up having to pay it off. No way she was getting her hands on this money. I didn't know how she must have found out about it but no fucking way was I going to help her by giving her any more money.

"I really need you to reply. It's life or deth."

"Learn to spell!" I texted back as I was waiting for the cute girl at the audio video store to go get the boxes of equipment for me so I could check out.

"Please.!!"

"Please, what? I replied to you. There, now you can live. And learn how to punctuate for crying out loud. You did graduate high school, didn't you?"

"I need a favor."

"No."

"It's life or death."

"Get Dad to do it."

I went back to ignoring her so I could ask for my receipt which the store staff had forgotten to give me. For the next two hours after arriving back home I was busy unboxing and connecting everything up while dodging all of Sally's attempts to get me to come to bed and fuck her. At the same time my phone pinged again and again with the distinctive tone I set up just for Crystal.

"Aren't you going to answer her?" Sally asked.

I tested my new system out and ... nothing. A small part of myself started to panic knowing that I'd just spent over three thousand on this and what if it didn't work. But no, let me back up. I went over the steps and checked everything.

"Is it this?" Sally pointed out to me.

Oh, yeah, I'm so dumb. I had to flip the main switch on to sent power to the ...

Knock, knock.

I tried to ignore it as I saw the system lights come to life.

Knock, knock.

I grit my teeth as I forced myself to put the remote for the system down and go to the door.

"What do you want?" I said as I did the opposite of slamming the door.

"This bitch is going to kill me." my sister said as she stood there with a seemingly sincere look of worry on her Latina face. She had obviously taken after mom and had the darker skin and darker hair compared to me. Growing up a lot of people had even questioned if we really were siblings or not.

"I don't care."

"You have to help me."

"No. Go get a loan on your own."

"It's not about money."

"Oh, well that clinches it. You are still in high school because out here in adult land everything is about money."

"No this."

"Get Dad to help you."

"I can't."

"Get mom to help you."

"How would that even work."

"You ask her for help and she ..."

"You don't understand."

"Nope, sure don't. Don't want to either."

"Can I just explain this to you?"

I thought for a moment and I noticed Sally giving me a look from the corner of my eye so I relented. "I'll listen and maybe give advice but that is it."

"Thank you. Can we talk in private, though?" she asked.

I didn't need to say anything Sally picked up on the hint and exited.

I went back to the living room area and just as my sister was about to launch into her explanation I pressed play on the surround sound test movie and then I smiled from ear to ear as I enjoyed the full three D sound saturating my body. Oh, if only it could have lasted but my less than sweet sister went over and turned the dial all the way down.

"Listen to me!"

"Fine. Let's get this over with. But no long winded bullshit, please. I have an entire night of movies scheduled."

"By yourself?"

"Yeah, by myself. 90% of the time when I watch a movie it is by myself."

"You're weird."

"The door is right back the way you came."

"Can you just listen to me please?"

"I would but you're not telling me anything."

"Cause you're not listening."

"You said someone was going to kill you? How much money did you steal from them?"

"None. Not yet."

"Yet?"

"At all. You're so picky. Shut up and listen."

"I'm going to start a timer." I said as I got out my phone.

She came over to me and put her hands on mine to stop me. "This woman is going to give me ten thousand dollars if I can get her pregnant but if I can't I'm worried she's going to flake out on me and probably cut me into small pieces."

"What the hell kind of friends are you hanging out with?"

"She's not me friend. She's ..."

"So neither you nor her passed high school biology to be able to know that this plan is impossible."

"Let me start from the beginning."

"Life on earth is divided into single celled and multi celled organisms."

"Please just let me say this."

In the interest of moving her along and then hopefully getting back to my brand new surround sound system I decided to be quiet and just gestured for her to continue.

"Ok. Here it goes. I met this woman who wants to get pregnant."

I tried to hold in a laugh as I again imagined some woman out there too stupid to understand that women with women was not how a girl got pregnant.

"Are you listening?"

"Yep."

"It really seems like you're not."

"No, go ahead. Floor is yours."

"Ok. So I met this woman and she really wants to have a baby but she's all uptight about sex and super selective when it comes to guys."

"You're saying she's crazy."

"No, she's totally normal. But she really wants to have a baby."

"Let me guess, she's like 35, just hit the wall, childless and realizes that now is her last chance to have a baby."

"She's 24."

"Allegedly."

"No, really."

"Fine, call the courthouse and get her committed."

"That's not going to solve anything. You're jumping way ahead. Can I just finish before you ..."

"Ok, ok, but for fuck's sake hurry it up."

"The agreement between me and her kind of went around a few times."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"We changed it a lot as we got going. See originally she was going to donate her eggs and the I was going to carry the child."

"I don't care about originally. What is the trouble you are in now? Get to the point."

"Ultimately she decided that she doesn't want any artificial anything. We wants everything to be 100% natural."

"She should go to a bar and let a guy pick her up. 100% natural."

"No, she's way too ..."

"Picky."

"Selective."

"Well if she's a 41 year old post wall feminist who wants to ..."

"I told you, she's 24."

"I don't believe it, but whatever. Go on."

"And she's rich."

"You mean her dad's rich."

"What does it matter. Ok. Shut up."

I chuckled.

"The point is she's going to give me ten thousand if I can deliver her a man who can do natural insemination and get her pregnant."

She then stopped talking and I was looking around me room waiting for the time to pass.

"Well?" my sister asked.

"Huh? Is that it?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, well, hire a guy, give him five to do the deed and then you give me my four and you got a thousand for yourself. And amazingly you would have done an honest day's work for once. Or as honest as any of this bullshit could get."

"She's super selective."

I shrugged. "Ghost her. I know you didn't give her your real name."

My sister gave me a look that revealed that she was annoyed that I had been correct in that assumption.

"She wants you."

"Me."

"Yeah and if you think about ..."

"Why the hell would she even know about me!"

"It's a long story."

"No, it's not. It's just more bullshit. Fuck no."

"It's a good opportunity."

"For what? To have some crazy bitch come after me for child support and ruin my life! Officially you are out of your fucking mind. I should have you committed."

"She's not going to do that."

"You want to bet."

"If anything you'd get child support from her but she ..."

"I do not want to get involved in this. This is a bad idea. I'm not comfortable with some crazy woman out there raising a kid that's mine and I'm super duper not comfortable with her coming after me for money."

"None of that is part of the deal."

"It never is until she changes her mind."

"She doesn't even know who you are."

"You just said she did."

"She thinks you're British."

"British." I repeated incredulously.

"Yes. You graduated from Harvard and Yale. You're a rich doctor but you're having visa trouble and you need her help to stay in America."

"That sounds like the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"It could happen. She helps you by writing a letter for the immigration people and you help her with a baby."

"No, I still don't want to get involved. Tell her I was deported or something."

"You don't actually have to get her pregnant. Just play along until she pays and then ..."

"I'm not helping you scam some old lady who is then going to hunt us down."

"She's not old. I keep telling you. She's only 24."

"And I'm only 25, not old enough to have graduated from both Harvard and Yale."

"You're a prodigy."

"Crystal, I just translate medical documents. I can't talk like I'm an actual doctor. What if she asks me a question?"

"Make it up. She won't know. Or tell her you don't want to talk shop."

"What kind of doctor did you say I was?"

"The rich kind."

"A surgeon? A neurologist? What?"

"I didn't tell her all that. Just that you're a rich doctor and you're totally clean and awesome but that you just happen to not be dating anyone right now."

"So she wants to date me?"

"No. She just wants a baby."

"Well, I can't help her with that."

"Can you just meet her and help me convince her to pay me and then we never have to talk to her again."

Sigh. "Get Dad to do it. At least he looks the part."

"She's already seen your picture."

"Tell her its an old picture."

"I'll pay you half."

"You already owe me four so I get a thousand profit? Is that it?"

"No, I'll pay you half and repay the four from my half."

"So, nine."

"And I get one. Come on. I know you need the money."

"Not enough to go through with what you're asking."

"If I don't deliver you to her she's going to have the mafia hunt me down."

"And what do you think she'll do if you run off with her money?"

"I never said you had to have sex with her. She agreed to pay to meet you."

"Not me, a fictitious character."

"You can just tell her that you're not feeling right about it or that you solved your immigration problem and don't need her letter anymore. I will have upheld my end and so she'll have to still pay me."

"Somebody taught you how to use the future perfect?"

"The what?"

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. The answer's no."

My sister huffed and then responded, "I'll give you all of it."

"It's not worth the hassle. Just walk away now."

"It's easy money."

"Nothing is ever easy when the Mafia is involved."

"They're not involved. It was just an example."

"No, it was hyperbole."

"Stop with grammar, will you. I don't care. Just please help me with this. Please. I'll do anything. I'll be your slave for a year."

"Just a year."

"Or two years. Whatever you want."

"So for two years if I told you that you couldn't scam anyone and had to just get an honest job and work then you'd do it."

She swallowed. "Um ..."

"Yes or no?"

"Yes. You have my word."

"I don't want your word. I want to not have to worry that you're going to go to prison for fraud."

"I never take it that far."

"I bet the district attorney would disagree with you."

My sister's face got very angry as she was about to launch into her defense but we were interrupted by another knock on my door. Sally was there at my door. She wasn't my girlfriend, but was rather a very good friend of my ex who had sort of secretly transitioned into a kind of FWB on the down low. My sister's time in my apartment was officially over though with the return of Sally it probably meant I wouldn't be able to enjoy my surround sound system until the next day. She didn't come over to watch movies with me. She came over exclusively for my dick and I was ok with that.

When I fucked Sally I liked to think about my ex and how furious she'd be to know that her friend had secretly been converted to my side. I used to fuck her other friend Evangeline as well but then Evangeline started to get fat and with that she wasn't as pretty anymore. Don't judge me, I have every right to say I don't want to sleep with someone. My body, my choice.

I kept Sally in my life because she was hot and liked to have sex pretty often. In fact, with her coming over so frequently I really didn't feel any urge to go date or anything. I liked to think about how she was a white girl but she had such dark black hair that was much darker than my sister's. Sally also had nice full breasts without being too big and her body was right at the starting point of being curvy while also being able to pull off thin. She was short compared to my ex though so that was a distraction. But to make up for it she kissed better.

...

The meeting was going to be at a very high end restaurant and at the last moment when I was already there in a suit my sister informed me that I'd have to pick up the tab for whatever was ordered because she hadn't been paid yet and didn't have any money. I had already had to pay for the rental car and travel expenses so this was super extra annoying.

"Remember, just stick to the script."

"What script?" I asked her.

"You know."

"You never gave me a script."

"Not script. You know, the plan. Stick to the plan."

Yeah, the plan. I had an idea for what she could do with her plan I thought as my sister left.

Melissa was the woman's name whom I was there to meet and she thought my name was John. She found me sitting at the table and I have to admit I was actually taken aback by how stunning she looked in her evening dress and minimalist makeup. We exchanged greetings and I got her chair for her so she could sit down. I noticed that she smelled really nice. I might have a good time on this date after all.

"So, tell me about yourself. How long have you been here because if you don't mind me saying you don't have an accent." she said after she let the waiter know that she wanted a glass of wine.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit this but I was honestly tempted to pretend to be some doctor asshole and fuck this girl because she really was just so hot. But then I reminded myself that fraud was a crime and I didn't want my sister to go to jail.

"Melissa, before we go any further I think I need to tell you something and I'm afraid you may take it as very bad news."

"Oh, no. You ran out of time?"

"You mean immigration?"

She nodded.

"No, please don't worry. I can stay in the US for as long as I want."

"Ok." she said still with concern.

"I was thinking very long and hard about everything. I'm not sure if Helen (sister's alias) told you I was religious or not but with all of this I started to do some soul searching and believe it or not praying even and I've come to the conclusion that I can't go along with this. It's nothing against you. You seem lovely. I would love to get to know you and maybe if things were more natural instead of all fake and artificial like this then maybe things could go somewhere but I just can't move forward."

"Then why did you come?"

"I'm a man and as this news might hurt you I felt ..."

"You don't owe me anything."

"I'm a man and I take responsibility for my decisions so if there's someone for you to be angry with it should be me."

"When did you decide this? Helen told me that ..."

"I haven't told her yet."

"You should have before I came all the way down her."

"I have taken the liberty to paying Helen's fee for you so you don't need to give her any money."

"Oh, I see what's going on."

"I'm very sorry we wasted your time."

"You're back together with her."

"Excuse me."

"It's true. You're dating Helen again."

"I don't have that kind of relationship with her."

"Then why? You were perfect."

"I'm not as perfect as maybe Helen said I am. I'm human just like everyone else."

"Is it me?"

"Believe me, no. You seem like a very wonderful person who I would love to get to know better but we're talking about bringing a child into the world and a part of me just knows that it's a very important thing and very serious thing and I can't just ... Look at me with a run on. If I become a father I want to be a real father with a woman that I'm married to."

"I could get married to help you get a green card."

"I don't need a green card. That's not the point. If I stay or leave, the point is that if I have a child I want to be there in the child's life as a real parent, not just a sperm donor."

She was silent and after a few moment I took that to mean that she accepted what I said and I got up to leave. She then reached out for me to hold my arm. She looked up at me with tears building in the corners of her eyes.

"Please stay."

"I'm very sorry. I can't give you what you want."

"I'm ok with it if you want to be in the child's life."

"It's not that simple."

"I'll do anything. Please."

Very gently and with as much politeness as I could I took her hand away from my arm and gave it back to her. I did a short bow and then I left.

...

I'll save the story of my sister blowing up at me and asking again and again "What did you do?" I was out and thought she wouldn't thank me for it I had gotten her out as well. That was to be the end of Crystal's time pretending to be Helen. I paid her a thousand dollars and told her I required her to keep her word to me and go get an honest job. She tried to say it didn't count but I talked her into it when I told her I forgave her four thousand debt.

I didn't hear from Crystal for a while, no doubt because she was off living it up on my thousand dollars instead of going to get a job.

The next time I would be bothered by this situation was about four months later. I was arriving home from the hospital where I worked and there was some woman mailman at my door. She was obviously new to her job because she looked like she was only 20 and she was trying to print out a sticker to put on my door but couldn't get her equipment to work. She saw me and checked my name and said she had a certified letter for me that I had to sign for. I didn't know any better and so I signed for it while I was checking out delivery girl's figure. She smiled at me as I handed the thing back to her with my signature on it. She then handed me the letter.

As it turned out I didn't read the letter right away. I actually dropped it on the little table I had by my door and forgot about it because just then I was making out with delivery girl and she was coming with me to my bedroom. She was a very nice piece of pussy but she wasn't going to become my new girlfriend or anything since she dropped it on me once we were finished that she was married and she hoped I would keep quiet and she never should have done that and what was she thinking and yadda yadda same old same old. It's almost like every woman I sleep with has this little speech memorized nearly word for word and they drop it on me once they're finished having me in their life. They must go over this in a girls only sex ed class in high school or something.

Thankfully I got the delivery girl out the door before Sally arrived. Not that I was worried that Sally would be jealous but I always found it kept the peace not to let two different women that I was fucking ever meet.

A couple of days later, I got around to actually reading the letter.

"Dearest Kevin,

I don't know if you remember me. The day we met in New York I was heartbroken when you left. I thought my only chance to ever be a mother was gone. I was angry and I wanted to get back at you so I started to try and find out where you lived. I was very surprised to learn that your name wasn't John at all and that you're not a doctor.