After The Fact Ch. 02

I left feeling very different from the previous sessions. Surprisingly I wasn't that upset by Bryan's statements. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to her or how to go about it. I hadn't spoken to Jenny since I threw her out. If I took him at his word that it would help me, how was I going to get past what she had done and actually ask her to forgive me? I couldn't even imagine doing a session with her. That would be like saying there was a way we could fix things and that was out of the question."

I called Steve to ask if they could watch Dani overnight, then I took a really long drive. There were too many memories at home and I needed to think. I stopped after a couple of hours and rented a hotel room. I spent most of the night walking the grounds or pacing in my room. I finally made my decision in time to get about two hours of sleep.

Just before I picked up Dani, I called Nicole. I got a very icy "Hello." It got much warmer when I asked if we could come over to see Jenny. She told me they'd be home all day. I said she could tell Jenny or keep it a surprise, whatever she thought would be best. On the way I told Danielle that we were going to see her step-mom.

I thought about the things I had been told about her not eating and crying all the time and was afraid of the effect it might have on Danielle, especially after losing her mother to cancer. I decided to tell Danielle something to lessen the impact of seeing Jenny so depressed. I told her Jenny had been very sad since I asked her to leave and that Dani needed to take care of her for the day. That's all you have to say to a seven year-old, she couldn't wait. She solemnly promised to take good care of Jenny and I knew she would be too busy with her 'responsibilities' to be upset. I was so proud of her.

When we arrived, Nicole met me at the door with a hug. "Thank you so much for this. I've been so worried about her. I just didn't know what else I could do."

I warned her, "You know this doesn't change anything between us. I just think it's the right thing to do." I didn't want to mention Bryan or his offer.

"It's a start. You need to prepare yourself." She didn't elaborate. "Jenny, we have visitors."

I heard a gasp from the other side of the room, quickly followed by Danielle screaming "Jenny!" She ran to her step-mom and threw herself into her, almost knocking Jenny over.

I felt my knees wobble as I took in the changes in my wife. She was painfully thin, looking like she couldn't be more than 90 pounds. Her face was pale and gaunt, making her look half dead. There were dark circles under her eyes indicating she hadn't slept well in days, maybe weeks. Her hair was unwashed, she was wearing wrinkled sweats and there was a listless shuffle to her gait. I couldn't have imagined a more horrifying vision of the only woman I had ever loved.

I watched as the two of them hugged and cried. Danielle began talking a mile a minute, trying to catch Jenny up on five weeks of events. The scene reminded me of what a shit I had been. Finally I couldn't take anymore.

"Ah, Jenny?" She looked up at me. "I have to go out for a few hours, would you like Dani to stay here with you?" I wanted them to have time to spend together, but I didn't want her to feel obligated in case she didn't feel up to it.

She spoke, her voice sounding as thin as she looked. "I'd love her to stay. Thank you."

I excused myself and went out. There wasn't anywhere for me to be, but I couldn't stay there any longer. I decided to go home and try to get a short nap. It was a waste of time. I couldn't get the image of Jenny out of my mind. How could she do that to herself? I felt betrayed by her cheating, but I was still living my life. What I saw at Nicole's was far beyond what I expected.

How could someone who thought it was OK to cheat on me be this devastated by the results?

When I got back to Nicole's house, she told me that they were upstairs drawing. She thanked me again for changing my mind about her sister and Dani. I didn't know how to respond so just nodded and mumbled something. I told her I wanted to send Dani down so I could talk to Jenny for a minute. Nicole promised to keep an eye on her.

I got to the guest room and saw the two of them acting exactly how they used to. I swallowed my pride and knocked on the open door.

"Daddy!" Dani cried, running up to hug me. I couldn't help but notice that she seemed to be much happier and more relaxed than she had been. She had been so guarded since Jenny left and it had been killing me. I would have given anything to be able to ease her pain. I told her that Nicole needed to talk to her downstairs. She told Jenny she'd be right back, giving her a quick kiss before running out of the room. I walked in the room and sat down at the desk, across from where Jenny was.

"We need to talk, but I'm not sure how to start."

She seemed intent on saying something, but changed her mind. "John, I want to thank you for letting Danielle come over. It means a lot to me."

I nodded a reply and nervously started talking. "I don't want this to be a one-time thing." When she began to speak I stopped her. "Please let me finish. I want you to see her when you want, either at my house or any time I need a sitter. However there are three conditions I have to ask you to agree to." She didn't say anything, but I could see she was nervous about what I might demand.

"Number one, there can never be any men over while she's with you." I saw her get ready to defend herself, so I raised my hand asking her to let me finish. "I know you're going to say you wouldn't do that, but I have to demand it. If any guy, even one of our friends, wants to stop by, you have to ask me first. Also, Megan can never see my daughter, period. If I find out that you haven't lived up to this, I'll have to stop the visits immediately and there won't be any more chances."

I paused and let her know she could answer. "There are no other men John. Even if there was, I wouldn't ever do something like that to her. Megan isn't an issue; I haven't talked to her in months."

I nodded to show her I believed what she said. I made sure she was finished before continuing. "Two, you have to start taking care of yourself." I saw her turn and blush, so I got up and took her hand. "I know you've been depressed. Everyone has been telling me how upset you've been and I should have listened. Dani is going to pick up on how you're feeling. She needs to know that you're OK for her own peace of mind. I'm worried about you too, but don't do it for me. Do it for her...alright?"

She didn't say anything. I felt awkward talking to her like this, but I thought mentioning how her depression could affect Danielle would be the motivation she needed. Finally she quietly said she would.

I took a deep breath for the hard one. "Number three, I need you to forgive me." I felt stupid saying it. I froze for a moment because I couldn't figure out how I was going to explain it to her.

"Forgive you for what?" she said, bewildered. "I'm the one who did this. It's all my fault." She began crying, very quietly.

I tilted her face toward me, wishing I could make this easier for both of us. "I want you to forgive me for intentionally hurting you. What you did crushed me. But whatever really happened, I know you never wanted to hurt me. I remember how upset you were when you got back from New Orleans." I saw her blanch at the mention of her trip.

"It's obvious that you were sorry it happened. I don't need to know anything else right now. What I did was out of spite. I did it to hurt you and I tried to make it as painful as possible. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it and especially for using Danielle to make it worse. I'm sorry."

She looked down at her hands and didn't say anything for a long time. I was beginning to think I had pushed her too far when she finally answered. "I should have told you about New Orleans when it happened. It's my fault you found out in such a horrible way. You didn't have time to think about it so you tried to hurt me just like I hurt you. I don't blame you for anything. I just wish it hadn't happened. I'd give anything to be able to take it back." She looked at me with so much pain, I had trouble meeting her gaze. "Of course I forgive you."

She pulled me close and kissed me on the cheek. It was a small gesture to show me her affection, without forcing me to respond. As Dani and I left, I realized that Bryan was right. For the first time since I saw the video, I felt that some of the burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Nothing had changed, I still had lost my wife, but now I felt like I was finally involved in the decision. Now I had to meet Bryan's other requests.

I thought about asking Jenny what had happened, but there were several problems. First, I wouldn't know for sure if she was being honest. Second, I might be too emotional, hearing it from her and I wanted to keep my head straight. Third, I wasn't sure it was the right time for us to discuss this. I didn't want to take the chance of making things worse again.

I made a few phone calls and came up with the name of a private eye in New Orleans I could trust. It was surprisingly inexpensive; I had anticipated something more extravagant. Too much television. He got back to me two days later with the name, address and work information of the stripper from the video. His name was David and he was working at a law firm now. He assured me the guy would be at work all next week.

I dropped Dani off at Nicole's Monday morning, promising to be back some time Tuesday. I caught a late-morning flight and arrived in New Orleans just after 1:00. I caught a cab and went straight to the law office where David worked. He had found a full-time job as a clerk while he was finishing his law degree. The place he used to work for told the private eye he had quit back in November.

I was nervous as I walked through the doors. It was definitely the strangest thing I had ever done and I still wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know what he might tell me. I had decided that stopping by his work would give me a decided advantage. It was a large, high profile firm and I was sure there was no way he would want trouble there. I had no idea what to expect, so I wanted to put him in an awkward position to keep him off balance. I asked for him at the front desk and they confirmed he was in. I waited for about ten minutes while he was located. I was just glad I didn't have to make up a story about why I wanted to see him. I figured they would assume it was work related, which would save me a lot of hassle.

I could feel my stomach turn when he stepped into the lobby. He looked very different in a shirt and tie, but I would have recognized him anywhere. His face was burned into my memory and I wondered if I'd ever be able to erase it. He greeted me with a handshake and asked who I was working for.

I couldn't help but take some satisfaction from the change in his face when I told him I was here because he met my wife at his 'old job'. He nervously gestured for me to follow and led me to a small conference room on the first floor. We went in and he closed the door behind me.

"Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't work for them anymore and I'm sorry if there's some problem because of one of the parties. This job is very important to me and they can't know about that." He looked really upset. I knew that I had been right to confront him there.

"David, I'm not here to cause you any problems. I'm here for information. If you give me what I want, I'll leave and won't bother you again. If you refuse to answer my questions or lie to me, I have no problem causing the mother of all nightmares for you. Trust me, you deserve it."

He looked troubled. "I don't know what information I could have. I worked for them for a few months and there were a bunch of parties. I don't know how I'd remember any specifics that could help you."

"Actually," I began, "You didn't meet my wife for the first time at a party. There was a little get together with her friend Megan the night before and then you 'met' her again at the bachlorette party."

His eyes widened and he suddenly looked much more uncomfortable. "You're Jenny's husband." It was a statement, not a question. I got the impression he'd been expecting me.

"Yes I am. I have a completely fucked up life because of what happened that weekend and I'm trying to salvage something out of it. Nothing makes me more nauseous than the thought of discussing this with you, but I have no other choice. You need to believe me when I say I have no problem with taking out my frustrations on you and your excellent little career."

I could tell he didn't doubt a word of what I was saying. "I'll tell you anything you want to know, but not here. You should come by my apartment after I get off of work. I'll give you the address."

"That's OK, I already have it." I wanted him to be a little scared. He was considerably bigger than me and more than ten years younger. The last thing I wanted was a physical confrontation. I was just here for answers, but I needed him to feel that it was in his best interest to cooperate. I left and went to lunch. I went to his place at six o'clock like we agreed.

When I rang the bell, he answered before I could even pull my finger off the button. He invited me in and motioned for me to sit in the living room. After asking if I wanted anything to drink, he grabbed a beer and sat across from me. Before I could speak, he slid a videotape that was already on the coffee table toward me.

"Everything you want to know is on there," he said quietly.

I was furious. "You taped it? Did she know?"

"No she didn't. It's not what you think, I always taped private parties. It's for my protection in case there are any problems later. I'm a law student, remember?"

I nodded as I looked at the ordinary looking tape with the name 'Jenny' written on the back. It was a pretty smart thing to do, now that I thought about it. Unfortunately I realized that as painful as talking about that weekend would have been, this would undoubtedly be much worse.

I felt like I was going to be sick. "Is there anything I need to know that's not on the tape?"

He breathed deeply. "Yes, actually, there's a lot you should know. Megan contacted me the week before they came to town for the wedding. She knew my company would be handling the bachlorette party and asked about hiring me and one of the other guys for a private party the night before. Evidently someone recommended me to the bride by name and she passed it on to Megan. She told me it was mostly for her friend Jenny. She was trying to help her get away from an abusive asshole."

He paused as he looked intently at me. I guess my reaction was what he expected. "You've never hit her, have you?"

I was defensive and more than a little angry. "No and I never would. We had a great marriage until her trip. Actually, we had a great marriage for another six months after it until some sick son of a bitch sent me the Web site address for your old company. I checked out the site and found the video from the party with you, her, and Megan. It ended everything."

Surprisingly, he looked disappointed. "You two broke up?"

"Well, what do you think? What would you expect to happen once I found out about what she had done for the three days?"

"You mean two days, don't you?" he corrected me. Noting my blank expression, he thought for a second. "She didn't tell you about Sunday?"

"We haven't talked about any of it. We haven't spoken since I found out."

He honestly looked troubled. "Listen John, I know I'm the last person who you want in your business, but you should have talked to her about everything that happened. It wasn't what it looked like."

I was stunned. What the hell was this about? "Not what it looked like? She fucked you and Megan for three days and you're saying there's a reason I shouldn't be mad about it?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...Well; I should just stick to what happened. When Jake and I got there Friday, your wife was already really drunk. Megan had sandbagged her, pretending to be drunk too. The truth is, by Sunday I found out that she set Jenny up."

"What do you mean, set her up? She didn't drug her or anything?"

David looked at the floor, "No, it was nothing like that. Look, I don't really want to talk about it, just watch the tape and judge for yourself. I'm sure it's going to be awful for you, but me telling you isn't going to make it any better. I don't know why you'd take my word for it anyway." I had to admit he was right about that. I nodded and he continued.

"You've seen the video from the Web site, so there isn't much I can tell you about Saturday that you don't already know. Nobody told her what was going to happen at the party, or I'm sure she wouldn't have gone. I guess she was so upset about Friday night that she let herself get really drunk again. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think Meagan worked on her for hours. She finally got Jenny to the point where she wasn't able to say no. Things get so crazy at those parties that I've seen a lot of women do things they would never do normally."

I was really surprised at how thoughtful he seemed. I was expecting someone cynical and egotistical, but kept being caught off guard by how unhappy he seemed.

He frowned as he lost his concentration for a moment. After taking a second to gather his thoughts, he continued. "Megan got her dancing on the stage with some of the other girls. When Jenny wasn't expecting it, Megan started kissing her and pushed her down on the stage. I guess she was too far gone to object much. That's when I came over." He gave me a pained look. "I swear to you, if I had known what was going on, I wouldn't have touched her."

I was confused. "You're telling me all this, but then say you didn't know. How am I supposed to believe what you're saying?"

"Because Jenny told me."

"Jenny told you, when?"

"Sunday, when she got up."

I finally started to understand. "So she stayed with you Saturday night."

He looked away from me again. "Yes, but it's not what you think. The reason the camera cut away on the video is because she kind of freaked out in the middle of it and ran out of the room. I was really worried about it, but Megan said it was nothing. She said you called and screamed at her about not being home Saturday and it upset her. It was stupid of me not to see something else was going on, but I figured a guy who beat up his wife... I guess I didn't question it because it felt cool to be helping someone like her get away from a jerk."

"Megan paid me extra to crash at their hotel room after the party. I told her I was way too tired for anything to happen that night, so she asked me to sleep with Jenny the next morning when we woke up. I don't know where Megan stayed. Jenny was already asleep when I got there, so I crawled into bed and passed out. The next morning she woke up before me. She ran to the bathroom and started throwing up. I figured it was from the hangover, but then I heard the crying."

"I went to the door and she was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor. It really scared the shit out of me. I tried to get her out of there, but she wouldn't budge. After about half an hour I was able to talk her into coming back to the bed. I got her some coffee and she finally started talking to me."

"It was terrible; she would talk for a minute and then start crying hysterically. She talked about you, your daughter and how great her life had been. She was afraid she had ruined everything and felt horribly guilty. I stayed with her until it was time for her to leave for the airport. The whole time she kept beating herself up for what had happened and saying you'd never be able to forgive her. Just before she left I told her she shouldn't tell you. I said if it was my wife, I wouldn't want to know. If she really hadn't wanted it to happen, instead of ruining everybody's lives she should try to make it up to you. That seemed to help her at least get it together enough to get to the airport."