Against All Odds

Neither of them seemed very impressed with my statement.

"Well, according to Amanda you haven't taken a holiday for more than three years and for the past ten years, we owe you forty-six weeks of paid holiday."

I was still high on adrenaline from the disappointment with the user interface my team had tried to sell me so I wasn't in a very diplomatic mood. This figure had to be wrong somehow. I had five weeks paid holiday a year, so if they were correct, I would have taken just four weeks off in the last ten years. I still vividly remembered the boredom during the forced two weeks off last Christmas. On the other hand, the holidays themselves didn't count as days off and I had caught up on my paperwork between Christmas and New Year. But who cares? Ben should be happy to have such a dedicated employee.

"So what? I've repeatedly told HR to just delete my accrued days. I don't want them," I said, pointing to Amanda.

"But you need them. I'm here to inform you that you are to take four months of holiday, starting immediately."

"I don't have time for that bullshit now. I have deadlines to keep."

We were a very informal bunch here and swearing when discussing with either a superior or a subordinate usually wasn't a problem as long as you didn't get personal. Ben looked at Amanda and they both shook their heads. I wasn't sure what they were communicating, but I was quite positive that I didn't like it. It was Amanda who spoke next.

"George. We're just worried. Your behaviour in the last couple of weeks has been erratic and unpredictable. We're afraid that you're running into a burnout and that would be bad for both you and the company."

"Why do you want me out of here? What are you up to while I'm gone? A little reorganising? Releasing the software without a proper user interface? Having me out of the office when you send the notice?"

Ben looked at me with a calm expression on his face. I probably wasn't wrong in my assumption that everything went just as he had foreseen. Nobody knew me better than him. He was what came closest to being a friend, but friendship needed trust and I didn't trust anyone anymore.

"Nobody plans anything like that. Take a holiday, relax a little, and unwind. You'll feel better afterwards."

"Bullshit. Sitting around at home, knowing that there is work waiting to be finished and wondering what kind of schemes and deceptions are put in place here, will just stress me out."

His voice started to lose its calmness.

"Goddammit, George. We've known each other for ten years now. Have I ever given you a reason to distrust me? I'm not your enemy, I'm your friend."

"A friend wouldn't stab me in the back like you're about to do. You want me gone? Fine. I'll go. But don't be surprised if I use the time to find a different job."

Ben turned to Amanda.

"Please leave us alone for a minute."

"I'll be waiting outside."

She left the meeting room and quietly closed the door behind her. Ben looked over his shoulder until he was sure the door was closed.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, George? You know as well as I do that I'm neither about to boot you out nor take anything away from you. I honestly think you need to find help to get over your issues whatever they are. I dimly remember you mentioning a girlfriend and your parents when I offered you the job after your thesis presentation. But when you came here two days later, you didn't even write down a 'next of kin' or an emergency contact. I never asked, but I'm starting to believe that maybe I should have. What happened ten years ago that made you so... antisocial and unapproachable?"

"That's none of your fucking business."

I had never told anyone what had occurred before I came here. I didn't share personal information. Everybody I had ever trusted had abused it. Once burnt, twice shy. Ben tried the psychological approach by just silently looking at me.

"If that's everything, I'll go on that fucking holiday now."

"No, it's not. My wife and I are opening the barbeque season tomorrow. Why don't you come by and meet some new people?"

"I'm supposed to take a holiday. How does attending an event with my boss fit into that?"

He looked at me, astonished at how I could turn a friendly get-together into a work issue.

"I'm talking about a barbeque with my wife and a couple of friends. It's not a business event. It's a party."

"So I'm not obliged to attend?"

"Of course not. It's a party. You know what that is? Drink a couple of beers, eat some good food, socialise, have fun. I could introduce you to the daughter of one of my neighbours. She's about your age."

There it was. The hidden agenda.

"Not interested."

"Come on. You're young. You should go to parties every now and then. You'll never find somebody to form a family with if you don't go out and meet people."

I was thirty-four years old and the last thing I wanted was a family. That was the main reason why I didn't even try to meet new people. Shortly after arriving here, I had gone out on a couple of dates, mostly organised by Ben and his wife. I had soon understood that the women were out there looking for a man to marry and father their children. Because of that, I had stopped dating. I didn't want children and I'd never be able to trust a woman who wanted one.

"I said I'm not interested. Can I go now?"

He sighed and once again shook his head.

"You don't say no to your superior inviting you to a barbeque. Tomorrow, two pm, my place, casual clothes, and bring your swimsuit."

I glared at him. What had happened to 'it's a party'? I may not be obliged to come, but I obviously couldn't say no either.

"Fine, I'll be there."

Ben asked Amanda back in and she then accompanied me to my office where she stayed until I had turned the holiday notice on and the laptop off. She then accompanied me to the door.

"Four months, George. You're not allowed back here until the four months are over on the second Monday in August."

I didn't acknowledge her but walked away to my car. Fuck them. Still angry about the way I had been treated and Ben's attack on my privacy, I barely registered where I was driving and was a little surprised when I found myself parking in the garage of the apartment complex I lived in.

+

I dressed in slacks, a button-down shirt, and a tie in an admittedly childish act of rebellion. Ben had told me to dress casual, and I intended to show him just how much I despised being there by wearing formal attire. We didn't even wear suits to the office. I rang the doorbell at precisely two pm. I even waited outside the door just to make sure I was exactly on time. His wife, Gabriella, opened the door.

"George, how nice of you to come by. But a suit and tie? Didn't Ben tell you it was just a couple of friends?"

"When your boss invites you and doesn't leave you a choice, it's best to dress on the safe side."

She took my arm and pulled me in.

"Come upstairs. I'm sure I'll find something more comfortable for you to dress in."

"That's not necessary. I don't plan on staying very long. I have another appointment later."

I knew I was impolite, and Gabriella had done nothing to deserve this treatment, but I didn't really care. If I treated her badly enough, she might tell Ben not to invite me anymore. She sighed before changing her direction, leading me into their garden and to the beverage table.

"Can I get you a glass of wine? Or rather a beer?"

"I'll have a glass of still water, please. I came here by car and want to remain sober to drive back."

She poured me a glass of water before looking around. Including me, there were sixteen people around and the only ones I knew were Ben and Gabriella. Most guests were somewhere around Ben's age, fifty and a bit, or a bit older but one woman was somewhere around my age.

"There's Ben. I'll leave you to him. I still have a few things to finish in the kitchen."

I didn't see any reasonable possibilities to avoid Ben so I sauntered over to where he was talking with three others.

"Hi, Ben."

He turned around, mid-laughter from something somebody had said, to greet me. The change on his face when he realised how I had dressed was almost comical.

"Dammit, George. I told you to dress casual."

"You're the one who pulled the boss-card so I thought it best to treat this as a business event."

I was trying really hard to embarrass him before his friends and piss him off. He sighed and shook his head in defeat, not reacting to my challenge. He introduced me to the people he was talking with.

"That's the guy I've been telling you about. He's undoubtedly the best software engineer I've ever worked with but his social abilities could use some... refining."

He proceeded to give me the names of the people. I politely shook hands with everyone, and soon they were back to their lively discussion. I didn't contribute much but replied, usually evasive, whenever a question was directed at me. After a short while, the young woman joined our group and I was introduced to her. Kerry. She was the daughter of one of Ben's neighbours which explained why she was so much younger than the rest of the visitors and had recently moved back to the area for occupational reasons. Soon after, she had somehow hooked her arm in mine and led me away from the crowd.

"You don't really want to be here, do you?"

"No, I don't but Ben didn't leave me the option to say no."

I had decided to play that part for the entire day, hoping Ben would come under fire for pressuring me as an employee to attend an event like this on a Saturday.

"Then what would you do if you weren't here?"

I had absolutely no intention of giving her any insight into my private life. As far as I could tell, she was trying to sound me out as a potential partner, like most women in that age bracket.

"Something else."

"Something with your girlfriend?"

That was more direct than I had expected. I was quite sure that Ben had told her a bit about me, so I had no real choice for this answer, but I wanted to stop her from asking questions.

"No, I'm single. The last one left me when she realised I was serious about not wanting any children."

That was a lie, as I hadn't had a girlfriend since I had left my family and Lara behind, but she couldn't know that. I saw Kerry subconsciously nod to herself as if confirming that I had said the truth as far as she knew it.

"How can you be so sure of that? You're how old? Thirty-two?"

I started to suspect professional training. She was asking questions she knew the answer to so that I got used to replying honestly.

"Thirty-four."

I didn't reply to her original question at all. Nobody here knew what had happened ten years ago and that was how I wanted it. I could well imagine how everybody would try to hand out their opinion and try to convince me that I had to forgive my family. 'Blood is thicker than water' and similar country lore. That this saying originally meant the opposite - the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb - wouldn't deter them.

There wasn't much more she could say and the topic changed to something less tricky. Two hours later, I had seen quite a few indicators that confirmed my gut feeling that she was trying to analyse me. I still thought I had successfully avoided giving her any information I didn't want to give and I decided it was time to leave. I manoeuvred us towards Ben and made sure he heard me when I said goodbye to Kerry.

"It's time for me to leave as I have prior commitments for the evening. It was a pleasure talking to you."

"Why don't we exchange numbers? We could meet for coffee someday."

I didn't want that. Either I was right and she would continue to try to psychoanalyse me or I was wrong and she was trying to sound me out as boyfriend material. She was thirty-one and I could literally see her desire to have children written on her face.

"Sure."

I pulled my mobile from my pocket and entered her number as she dictated it to me. Before she could ask for my number in return, I stopped her cold.

"I'll give you a call when I find the time."

Suddenly, Ben appeared next to me.

"What are you talking about? You're leaving?"

"Yes, I have prior commitments to attend."

He looked at me irritated as he knew just as well as I did that I didn't have any other commitments, but he also couldn't call me out on it as that would have branded me as a liar. This, in turn, would have shown undoubtedly to his friends that I was coerced to come here.

"Can't you at least stay for dinner? I was just about to start the grill."

"I'm afraid no. I'll see you on Monday, though."

"No, you don't. You're on a four months holiday."

Time to really piss him off. Maybe I'd really need to look for another job after that, but I didn't think I'd find it hard to get good offers from our competitors. The only problem was that I didn't necessarily want to change companies. I liked working where I was. It was a well-run company and I was given all the freedom I needed to do a good job.

"You know the rules. As a matter of fact, you've written them. I've got to hand in the timesheet for today. I can't just wait four months to do that."

I could see very clearly how that got to him and really hoped that he'd refrain from trying to get me to socialise in the future. I had told him before and I would tell him again that I had no intention of entering any kind of relationship. From the corner of my eye, I also saw Kerry's reaction. Definitely either a psychoanalyst or a psychologist. Ignoring her, I walked through the house to my car and left.

+

Three hours later I was sitting on my little balcony, a whiskey in one hand, a cigar in the other, well underway to being wasted. On the way home, I had bought myself a bottle of Jack Daniels. There was no sense in wasting the good stuff I had in stock on getting mindlessly drunk. It definitely wasn't my first drink of the night and it wouldn't be the last either. In my, at least, half-drunken stupor, I reflected on my life.

I was lonely - there was no doubt about it - but then again, I was used to it. I usually arrived in the office at seven in the morning and rarely left before nine or even ten in the evening. On weekends and early evenings, I worked out, went running, and kept up-to-date with the developments in the IT-business.

Since that fateful day ten years ago, I hadn't engaged in any kind of personal relationship, neither with men nor with women. Not that I didn't have any offers. I looked reasonably good, my frame had filled out thanks to my regular workouts, and I was healthy. I earned well, both from my salary and the dividend payments of my bonus shares. The few times when I had gone out with a woman for dinner, I had made sure to communicate my infertility as soon as possible. I had my ducts cut when I turned twenty-five, even though it had been difficult to find a doctor willing to perform that surgery on such a young, childless, and otherwise healthy man. That kept women at bay, especially those that wanted to find a husband or sperm donor which were all of them.

The person who was closest to what you could call a friend was Ben and he had just backstabbed me by forcing me on a four months holiday. Holiday!? Bull shit. That was more like a Sabbatical. What the fuck should I do for four months?

As soon as I thought of that fucking holiday, I downed the whiskey shot in anger and then refilled the glass from the bottle next to it. Fuck! Fucking fuck! I wasn't mentally equipped to take a sabbatical. I had no friends or colleagues outside of work, no hobbies, and nothing meaningful to do. I worked, I ate, I slept. That's how I kept myself from thinking about how pathetic and meaningless my life was. How in the bloody hell was I going to spend four fucking months? I downed another big gulp of the whiskey and refilled the glass.

I started thinking about my childhood. It hadn't been a very happy one. When you're constantly in second place for everything, your childhood becomes a time of disappointment. I wanted to go to Pizza Hut, Andrew to McDonald's? We went to McD. I wanted to go to the zoo, Andrew to the cinema? Cinema it was. We both had an activity at different places at the same time? I either had to cancel or go there alone on my bike as our parents drove him to his. If I was lucky, I was dropped off on the way. When I was thirteen, I won first place in a local science competition and was the only child there without a parent present because they absolutely had to be at Andrew's football match. I later had to forfeit the participation at the regional event as my parents wouldn't accompany me and I was considered too young to travel on my own. I wanted a dog, Andrew a cat? I had hated our modern Persian but had still been made responsible to clean its litter box because holy fucking Andrew couldn't be bothered with it.

A dog! That was the solution to all my problems! I would have a companion who would never betray me, always be there for me when I needed a friend, and keep me occupied when I wasn't working. What would I do with it during work? Well, Ben always complained about me working too much and living too little. I could take the dog with me, go on a walk at lunch and leave earlier in the evening. That was it. My solution to the Gordian knot. I could use the next couple of months to get to know and train him.

I looked around on my balcony and into my apartment. Not ideal for a dog but I could easily afford to buy a small house with a garden. With a new determination, I emptied the glass of whiskey next to me and rose to get my iPad and search the internet for advice on which breed suited me best and where to find it. The sudden movement reminded my stomach that I had drunk almost a full bottle of whiskey when my usual limit was two glasses of wine. I barely made it to the toilet and at one point while I hovered above the toilet bowl and puked my guts out, I passed out.

Refreshed

"Good morning everyone!"

"George! Welcome back! How are you doing?"

I smiled at the enthusiastic greeting I received when I returned to the office. I had called Amanda from HR on late Friday afternoon to confirm that my sabbatical was over and I still had a job. I hadn't heard from anyone while I took my imposed hiatus, not even Ben.

I went straight to HR to confirm that they had my new address on file. It hadn't taken long to find a nice house with a garden for my new best friend, Blaze, a six-year-old Doberman. After I had woken late in the morning, my head still resting on the porcelain, and had recovered somewhat from the horrible hangover, I had gone to a nearby animal shelter. I knew from the moment I laid my eyes on him that I would adopt him. He looked so miserable and alone in his cage without anybody to connect to. His previous owner had died from a heart attack and this poor soul was left behind. I took him with me to visit houses to buy and it was, in fact, him who decided that the house with the small pool in the garden was the right one. It was the fifth house we checked out but the only one in which he immediately relaxed.

Ben was already waiting for me when I entered my office. After a rather guarded greeting, during which he probably checked whether or not I'd hand in my resignation, we started to catch up a little.

"You never called Kerry?"

"Who?"

I was feigning ignorance as I remembered that plot all too well, but I wanted him to admit his trickery.

"The beautiful, young woman you met at the barbeque? The one you seemed to connect with so well?"

"I had no reason to."

He shook his head.

"Why not? She's good looking, intelligent, and I happen to know that she enjoyed the time she spent with you."

It seemed as if my trimester away hadn't been enough to stop Ben's meddling.