Carry That Weight: Beast Of Burden

Ashley looked at each person there, her eyes beseeching their understanding.

"When we finally arrived here, I wasn't sure what to expect. I hadn't planned on it but I hadn't avoided it either. I was both surprised and excited when Jeff began pushing drinks on Tom. I knew what he was doing and until the day I die I'll be ashamed I didn't do anything to stop it. I just let it happen. I'll say both Jeff and I had quite a bit to drink that night as well."

"Are you trying to blame the alcohol?" I sneered.

"No! God no, there's no excuse for what we did. However, the fact is we'd drank a lot that night and it resulted in making a bad situation even worse. I'll explain why in a moment. Please let me continue."

She turned towards Amber. I could see my wife's eyes beginning to tear.

"I'm sorry," she said wiping her eyes. "I've been practicing this for so many months. I haven't been able to tell these things to anyone but Agnes and Bill since it happened. I've wanted to tell my husband, but he's refused to listen to me. I can't really blame him.

"After Tom went to bed, we sat and laughed and drank with Agnes and Bill. After they went to bed, Jeff and I sat on the couch and just talked and flirted. Then, the flirting turned more serious and we began kissing. Things got more intense.

"As we went to Jeff's room we were laughing and giggling like stupid teenagers. When we got to his room, he locked the door and we stripped each other naked. We spent the next however long having drunk, unprotected sex. Afterwards, we fell asleep in each other's arms.

"Tom, I know you don't believe me when I tell you the alcohol played a part in this, but it did. It isn't to blame for our cheating; that's completely our fault, but it did factor into the stupidity afterwards."

Ashley looked over at Amber and saw her confused look.

"I said earlier we'd had a lot to drink and this is where it showed. When Jeff and I had finished having sex, we basically passed out together with Jeff holding me. We didn't clean up, we didn't get dressed, and we didn't try to hide what we'd done.

"Tom," she said steeling herself. "I'm sure you'll agree Jeff and I didn't act like we wanted anyone to know what we did. Since that was the case, why would we be so stupid as to spend the night together in his locked bedroom, let alone go to sleep with no clothes on? Wouldn't that have been asking to be caught?"

Ashley looked back at Amber and continued.

"Sometime during the night, Tom woke up, unlocked the bedroom door and found us. What he saw must've made him sick since we found the contents of his stomach that night all over the wall and throw rug. I can only guess he saw his cheating wife lying naked in the arms of his best friend. He probably even saw Jeff's semen running out of me, since we hadn't used any protection!"

Amber's hand flew to her mouth in horror as she looked over at me. I'm sure she saw the devastation of that sight still etched on my face.

"Oh my god, Ashley," Andrea moaned glaring at both Jeff and her daughter as tears began to fill her eyes as well.

"Agnes and Bill discovered us in the morning. I awoke to the disgusted faces of my cousin and her husband. I realized what I must've looked like. The room stunk of sex and puke. I also saw a shotgun leaning against the wall. It was obvious even though he'd seen our betrayal he'd for some reason decided to let us live. We found out later he'd tried to turn it on himself but couldn't reach the trigger.

"There in front of me were the telltale signs my sins had been exposed to the world. I threw up and collapsed on the floor crying. There's nothing like the absolute hopelessness you feel when you realize your life has changed because of your own selfish stupidity. The guilt and shame is overwhelming, and I prayed I would die. It's a coward's way out, but it's what most people feel when they realize they've destroyed their marriages and families.

"When I finally came to my senses, we searched for Tom but couldn't find him. He was already on his way to you and his date with destiny.

"We had no idea the guilt we felt then was just the tip of the iceberg of what was to come. When Tom became a hero by saving you, TJ, and Amy, our shame increased exponentially.

"I felt like a piece of shit when we faced Tom in the hospital. I was so ashamed and afraid of what Tom might do, that it took Agnes coming with me in order for me to face my husband. I couldn't imagine how I could feel much lower when I first saw Tom's face that day in the hospital.

"But I was wrong, I felt even worse after our meeting. I can still hear my husband's words telling Jeff he could continue to fuck me, but to keep it hidden. He told Jeff it was only fair since Jeff had saved his life all those years ago. As for me, it was evident my husband thought of me as a slut who would continue to cheat on him.

"Whatever foolish hope I'd had of getting through this without my marriage being forever damaged fell apart right there. He wouldn't let me try to apologize or explain what had happened and why it would never happen again. I know I sound somewhat bitter, but I wanted to find a way, anyway, to show my husband how sorry I was. However, he was acting like nothing I would ever say to him could be believed and we'd live like it never happened!

"That's how things have been for the last ten months. I've tried to find ways to fix my shattered marriage, Tom has continued to act like he loves and trusts me even though he doesn't, and Jeff has escaped by burying himself in his work and family. I've watched all three of us slowly dying. Jeff and I hardly ever talk to each other anymore and I've no idea how to even begin to make amends to my husband. I see my marriage and family wasting away and there's nothing I can do about it.

"When this first happened I eagerly accepted any punishment but as the months have drug on I'm coming to the realization that I'm punishing myself for no other reason than my own guilt. Now I'm coming to the conclusion my husband is just waiting on me to give up and ask for a divorce."

"That's bullshit," I said calmly my response taking Ashley by surprise.

"What?" she stammered, looking at me confused.

"I said that part about you two not planning your little night of passion was bullshit."

"No Tom, please believe me," she begged.

"No," I said flatly. "You said you two had discussed how it could happen, that's planning. You can't tell me you and Jeff didn't refine those ideas through your subsequent teasing."

Both hers and Jeff's faces confirmed my suspicions.

"You're right," Ashley said her voice cracking. "In a way we did plan, but we never agreed to follow through with it. I wasn't sure what would happen when got there."

"That sounds juvenile, Ashley," Andrea interjected. "That sounds like a teenager telling her parents she wasn't sure there was going to be alcohol at a frat party she went to. You're smarter than that. Even that teenager wouldn't have been so clueless."

"I know, Mom, and you're right, but I convinced myself there was a possibility nothing would happen. After it started, I thought we'd probably just kiss and maybe do some petting. I know how school girlish it sounds now, but that's what I made myself believe. Even then it was still cheating, and I have no excuse for it."

"Then why?" Amber sobbed, tears still streaming down her face.

"What?" Ashley said with surprise.

"I said, then why do it?"

"It doesn't matter why it happened," I interjected. "The fact is that it happened."

"No, Tom, it does matter!" Amber snapped, "It matters to me. I need to know why my marriage is on the brink of disaster. Why those I loved and trusted betrayed me!"

Ashley looked over at Jeff, who sighed and ducked his head. I'll give credit to my wife. She stood up and presented what she had to know was a feeble explanation of her thoughts and actions at the time. She had to suspect what she was going to say would make her look even worse in everyone's eyes... but she did it anyway.

"I'm sorry," Ashley began softly. "I've been working with a counselor since shortly after that weekend and trying to come to grips with why I did what I did. It's been the most painful and humbling experience I've ever dealt with.

"To answer your question bluntly, Amber, I did it because I thought it was something I needed to do to make myself happy. At the time I was scared and unhappy. I was extremely selfish and believed myself entitled to seek happiness regardless of the cost. I didn't think I would actually have sex with Jeff, but I'm ashamed to admit I reasoned even if I did I was entitled to one mistake."

Amber and I started to say something but Ashley held up her hand and pleaded.

"Please, let me finish. I know this paints me as a self-centered spoiled little bitch, but for those several weeks that's exactly what I was.

"Amber, you know what it's like to be treated like a princess. I know I was considered a catch, but you were, too. You know what it's like being told most of your life how beautiful you are, how special you are, how much better than others you are. If you're not careful you can start believing that shit. About a year ago, I wasn't careful.

"I'd been known as one of the Connor princesses for most of my life, but three years ago, when I turned forty, I began to feel old. I also realized my children would be leaving me in the next several years. I felt like I was fading into the background. I know that's vain, but it's what I was feeling."

"But, why didn't you tell me," I said, "I never knew it bothered you so much. I've always told you how beautiful you are."

"I know," she replied softly, "and up until then that was more than enough. It was enough to know the man I loved thought me as beautiful as the day he'd married me. Then about a year and a half ago, I started feeling like... well... like it wasn't enough. That's when I started hiding my concerns from you."

"Dammit, why?" I snapped my anger surfacing. "I'd tried to show you how much I loved you, how much I desired you. Hadn't I earned any your trust after sixteen years of marriage?"

"Oh baby, no!" Ashley gasped as her tears poured down her face. "This was never about you. You didn't do anything wrong, this was about me being selfish.

"To answer your question as to why didn't I approach you about what I was feeling? Simple, I knew how shallow those feelings were. If I'd told you your love wasn't enough anymore, I would've lost all your respect. I know it sounds silly, but I couldn't bear to have your opinion of me fall that low.

"Soon, when any man who wasn't my husband flirted with me, my confidence and self-esteem soared. It got so bad that I became full of myself and I started trying to justify my actions, something I'd fought all my life not to do."

Ashley wiped the tear off her face and from her eyes. She stared into my eyes with as much resolve as she could muster, willing me to listen, to believe her.

"I'd never considered ever cheating on you, Tom," she continued softly. "I could never have done that and certainly not with some stranger. However, when Jeff flirted with me it was different. I realized here was someone I was attracted to, who I felt safe enough to actually have an affair with.

"I knew he cared for me and I could trust him not to try and blackmail or hurt me later. He had as much to lose as I did, if it was ever discovered. The naughtiness of toying with having an affair was both exciting and fun.

"I knew what might happen but I did nothing to stop it. When I saw you getting sleepy I knew things were beginning, but I just sat back and watched. There are no excuses for what I did. It was selfish and shallow."

There was a silent pause for a few moments before Ashley's mother spoke.

"You were raised better than that," Andrea started. "You know right from wrong, you're a full grown woman for goodness sake! I am so... disappointed in you Ashley."

"I know Momma, but no more than I am in myself. I did something then that three years earlier I would've never thought possible. I cheated on my husband. I poisoned not only my family but my cousin's family as well. I ruined multiple relationships with a single stupid night.

"I wanted to begin making amends for my actions but I'm at a loss on how to do it. I know what I did was wrong but if I can't even communicate with my husband then I'm not sure why I should go on trying. I've done everything I can think of, but I feel like I'm no closer to earning back even a small amount of my husband's love and trust. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore."

Agnes nodded and interceded.

"That's why we're here, Ashley," she said gently. "So we can get some of this in the open and see if we can deal with it."

She looked over at Jeff.

"You got something to say, or are you going to let Ashley take all the blame for this?"

Jeff cleared his throat and all eyes went to him.

"Well I guess that's my cue. If you think Ashley's reasoning was weak and selfish, then you'll find mine simply pathetic.

"First of all, I think Ashley is the second most beautiful woman I've ever met, second only to you, Amber. Only twice in, all the years I've known her I didn't find her attractive, both times were when she was pregnant. I'm sorry, but I don't find pregnant women attractive.

"When you became pregnant again, I knew your sex drive would go into hibernation, as it did during your last pregnancy. Most women's hormones make them crave sex, but not yours. I also knew there would be a time during the pregnancy when I wouldn't desire you like I usually did.

"But you always told me I was beautiful," Amber said weakly.

"Sweetheart, you were. You are! Amber, it would be like me having a minor accident that left my face with a hundred little, shallow cuts. In time all those cuts would heal and disappear but until they did, my face would look like a jigsaw puzzle. If I'd asked you then if I was still handsome and attractive what would've you said?"

"I... I suppose I would've ..."

"Amber," Jeff interrupted, "you would've told me you loved me and I was still handsome in your eyes. Sweetheart, I did the same thing for you. You were beautiful before becoming pregnant, and are beautiful afterwards as well. During your pregnancy your beauty comes from within you, so I wasn't lying when I told you that. But I wasn't as sexually attracted to you while you were in that condition either."

"Well excuse the hell out of me," Amber sneered wiping away a tear.

"I told you my reasoning was pathetic."

"It's worse than that," I hissed at him seeing how his words were hurting Amber.

"You don't know how right you are!" he said with self-loathing sarcasm. "But I guess everyone is about to find out just how much worse.

"I'd recently turned forty and like Ashley, I was experiencing some type of midlife crisis. Unlike her, in my need for sex, my lack of attraction for my wife and her having a low sex drive, I began looking for a way to withstand the next several months."

"What?" Andrea questioned, "You couldn't take care of your own needs?"

Jeff sighed deeply.

"I did for a while. I even succeeded the entire time Amber was pregnant with Amy; but when those feelings were combined with my midlife issues, I knew I was in trouble. I'd looked at going online and getting a little relief with some cybersex, but I knew it would be considered cheating. I decided if I was going step outside my marriage, I was going to make the risk of getting caught worth it. If there was anyone I would ever have used a free pass on, it would've been Ashley.

"But you didn't have a free pass," Amber hissed. "It was cheating, no matter how you try to spin it."

"Yes, it was," he sighed. "Amber, that feeling like I had some kind of free pass wasn't aimed at you."

"Tom," Amber gasped and Jeff nodded.

"You bastard," I growled.

He nodded again sadly.

"I knew there was no excuse for what I was thinking. I was considering cheating on my pregnant wife and hanging horns on my best friend, all because I was horny and felt you owed me. How's that for some fucked up thinking?

"Pretty sick," I replied.

Ashley let out a soft moan. I could see she was slowly shaking her head as she buried her face in her hands. Jeff wiped away something in his eye.

"I think that earns me the Asshole of the Year title," he said sadly. "As for the free pass expectation, I knew it was bullshit but I still would've tried to play it if we'd gotten caught."

"But then everything went to hell, didn't it? After you discovered us, you had to go and save the three most precious things in my life, my wife, my daughter and my unborn son. Whatever I arrogantly thought you owed me was now massively in your favor. Then you met with Ashley and me in the hospital and turned my world upside down.

"When you told me I should continue fucking Ashley you confused me. Then you said I was entitled since I'd saved your life. It was like you stuck a dagger in my heart!"

I stared at him for a moment, sure my confusion was evident. I suspected he felt guilty, but I couldn't see him being decimated by it. To be honest, he was never that deep. He looked at me and smirked.

"If I was entitled to everything you had just because I'd saved your life, now what were you entitled too? Both my wife and daughter thought you were a hero and could do no wrong. Using the same bullshit reasoning I'd used earlier, you were entitled to my entire family. What if you decided to take them from me? Knowing what I'd done to you, you might've felt justified taking my wife, my daughter and my son away from me!

"So, you're right I've been avoiding you this past year. Besides the overwhelming guilt, I've also been afraid. There's no excuse I can give, no sacrifice I can make in order to save our friendship. No matter how sorry I am or how much I want to take it back, it's dead and its blood is all over my hands."

"Well," Agnes interrupted, "Your actions towards each other after that weekend has drawn the attention of most of the family. Many of Connor elders have been asking why Tom was headed home that morning instead of at the estate. They also want to know why Tom and Jeff aren't acting like best friends anymore. The rumors of Ashley and Jeff never talking to each other anymore have also not escaped their ears. Several are planning on meeting with each of you soon."

"Oh, shit," Jeff groaned.

Agnes watched to make sure everyone understood the repercussions of having the family elders intervening in this situation. The Connor family had several matriarchs and patriarchs. Their money and age gave them no hesitation in getting involved in the affairs of other family members. If they were about to intervene, things were going to get messy very quickly since most of them had very differing points of view.

"I would expect they'll use the Memorial Day family reunion to launch their attack," Agnes continued. "Expect an inquisition.

"I shouldn't have to say this but it would be beneficial for everyone if we can provide a united front. If we could tell them you're working to save your marriages and friendships and then even list several things being done; we might be able to hold them off for a while. If we can't, then I'm afraid no one is going to be happy."

Agnes looked at each of us before shaking her head.

"Damn, I can see in your eyes that some of you aren't sure if your marriage can be saved or even if you want it to be. It appears your friendships are shattered beyond repair. Is that right, or am I missing something?"

She received a handful of grunts and nods, including my own.

"I thought as much," she continued. "Alright, one question that you can expect hearing frequently is why is counseling not be considered?"