Carry That Weight: Beast Of Burden

"I wish it was," Ashley said softly.

"I guess I'll need to answer," I grumbled. "From my perspective, I resent having to go to someone who'll try to tell me I'm somehow at fault for my wife fucking my ex-best friend."

"Tom," Agnes replied, "not all counselors are like that. You have to find one who isn't."

"Agnes, I know that, but it'll take some effort. Finding one who works for both of us would be a pain in the ass and take a lot of trial and error.

"I know counseling is only a tool, something to help couples work on a specific issue or problem. It isn't some type of magical marriage-saving wand. Its success also depends heavily on the counselor you get. All of them have their biases and agendas.

"But most importantly, counseling would only help if we were willing to confront and discuss what had happened. Until today, I haven't been."

"Why?" Agnes asked gently.

"I guess my reasons are simple. Ashley and Jeff brought this hell into our lives, why should I be forced to suffer and struggle to find a solution? They didn't ask my input when they fucked each other, why should I give them my input now on how to fix things?

"Besides, if I'd been forced to make a decision back then, I can guarantee you we wouldn't be here right now. We'd probably already be divorced!"

I looked at Ashley and saw the tears were again streaming down her face.

"So what about now, Tom?" Agnes asked softly. "Do you still want to see your marriage saved?"

"I don't see how it can be."

"That's not what I asked," she replied. "Do you want your marriage to be saved?"

Well there it was, I thought, the million dollar question I've been struggling with.

"Yeah, I think so," I stammered knowing my response wasn't very convincing.

Agnes smiled sadly.

"Well it's not the resounding positive I was hoping for, but at least it was honest."

She turned to Amber.

"Amber, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I know this is all very fresh for you but I need to know what your thoughts are as well. Do you want to save your marriage?"

Amber glared at Jeff as her tears continued to flow. I could tell she was as torn as I was.

"I don't know," she said weakly. "I want... but then if I do..."

"It's okay, honey," Agnes said calmly. "You don't have to decide right now. But you'll need to make a decision soon."

"I'm so damn furious I could scream," Amber replied wiping her eyes.

"I'm angry and confused. I want to divorce that son-of-a-bitch but I don't think I can. We've been married over fourteen years. We've an eight month old baby and Amy still idolizes her father. Worst of all, I think I may still love him. I feel so fucking trapped!"

Agnes held her as she wept. My heart broke as I saw someone I cared for struggling with many of the same questions I faced. The cold, uncaring walls I'd tried so hard to maintain were beginning to crumble. I knew when they fell, I'd be exposed. I needed to make some decisions of my own, but not here. I needed to go somewhere and think.

It was as if Agnes was reading my mind.

"I believe Tom and Amber need to get away from all of this drama and figure out what they want for their marriages."

"What about what Jeff and I want?" Ashley said weakly. "Doesn't the fact we both want our marriages to work mean anything?"

"Unless you or Jeff have changed your mind and now want a divorce then... no, what you two want really doesn't matter."

"Wait a minute ..." Jeff interjected.

"No," Agnes interrupted. "If Tom or Amber decides they want a divorce, there's very little either of you two can do about it. Now, if they decide to try and save their marriages then what you two want will be important again; but until they make that decision, it's their show."

She turned back and looked at both Amber and me.

"I realize what I'm about to suggest may be taken wrong, like I'm encouraging something, but in truth all I'm trying to do is provide a sanctuary for Amber and Tom, a place where they'll be able to determine what they want."

She now had everyone's attention.

"Bill and I are representing the Connor Foundation in a couple of weeks at a conference catering to the medical community. I think Tom and Amber should take our places there. The kids can stay with us for the week if Jeff or Ashley have conflicts and aren't able to watch them the entire week. Arlene, Jeffrey and Amy are all old enough not to need a lot of supervision. Thomas Jeffrey has been bottle fed formula for the past few months, so there shouldn't be any issue there either."

We all looked at her waiting for the punchline. She stared back at all of us and sighed.

"It's a five day conference held at the Fontainebleau Resort in Miami. It's a simple meet and greet, but there are several projects the Foundation sponsors, so the family's presence needs to be seen there. Basically, it's an opportunity for Amber and Tom to get away and go have a week of sun and fun."

"It sounds like you're setting them up for an adult Spring Break, a chance to go party and get laid," Jeff sneered.

"No," Agnes replied calmly, "I'm not encouraging them to do that, although it could certainly happen. There'll be plenty of alcohol, lots of skin on display, and a definite party atmosphere. Plus, South Beach is right out their front door."

"Agnes," Andrea said loudly. "That's putting them right in the middle of temptation. I can't believe you'd suggest such a thing!"

"I'm sorry, Aunt Andrea, but yes I am. What I'm proposing is a means that would allow Amber and Tom to get away from all the distractions surrounding this situation and possibly come to some decisions. I'm not telling them to go have sex with each other, or with someone else for that matter, but if it were to happen, who could blame them?

"Auntie, I've watched over the past months as Ashley has tried everything but suggest Tom have some type of revenge affair. She's at her wit's end, and like Tom, I can't see their marriage surviving. I'd give them no more than a few more months before one or both of them give up entirely. I'm afraid something radical needs to happen in order to shock the life back into their marriage.

"I'm not saying that shock needs to be revenge sex, but it needs to be something. It's possible they'll go have a good time dancing and go lay out by the pool and contemplate whether they want to fight for their marriages or not."

Ashley, Jeff and I immediately expressed our dislike of the suggestion.

"Then suggest something else!" Agnes snapped. "You three have had ten months to come up with something. You're running out of time and decisions are going to get made, even if by default. Hopefully, they'll be made before outside influences muddy everything up. The sooner they're made, the less drama there'll be."

"Well I can't deal with a planned revenge affair," Jeff snarled. "I know we were wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right. Dammit, it was a one-time slip!"

"It was planned," I growled. "It wasn't just a fucking slip!"

Jeff cringed at my venomous response.

"Jeff," Agnes interjected, "Didn't Tom tell you since you'd saved his life, everything he had was yours, including Ashley? Isn't saving your wife, son and daughter's lives worth the same? You even said you feared he'd claim that right to Amber and your family. And truthfully, since you didn't have a problem sleeping with your best friend's wife, I'm not sure what your objection is."

I stared at Agnes and could tell she was itching for a fight.

"Jeff," she continued, "You and Ashley are the ones who opened this damn door. I find it more than a little hypocritical you were able to cheat, but you can't deal with even the possibility of Amber having sex with someone other than you.

"I also wonder how your daughter is going to view all this. She's always idolized you, always looked up to her Daddy. If this turns ugly, how do you think she'll see you then?

"I'll also remind you that if you choose to divorce Amber, the Connor family will undoubtedly throw its support behind Amber. If the divorce were to get ugly, there'll be those who might wish to harm you. Not physically but definitely financially. Unfortunately, they have the money and power to do it. Frankly Jeff, you're looking at losing everything."

Jeff leaned back in his chair and pressed his hands together. He had to know most of what Agnes had said was true and he was in a very precarious position.

The sound of Ashley's weak voice caught me by surprise. I could tell she was barely hanging on to any semblance of control.

"I," she said softly, her voice wavering, "I've no right but I'm begging them not to do this. We were selfish and foolish, but it was a one-time thing, whether Tom believes it or not."

"Honey," Agnes said gently to Ashley, "Do you have better idea to save your marriage? I know you're struggling just to hang on. We've talked many times and I know how much you love him and how sorry you are but, I've never heard you offer to let him have some type of free pass, some form of revenge."

"No," Ashley said, beginning to regain her strength. "I couldn't do that. It would be like I approved of it and that's something I just can't do. I realize it may seem hypocritical but I won't tell my husband it is okay to cheat."

"I'm not asking you to do that. I'm suggesting they take some time away from you two and determine what it is they really want. This conference will provide enough distractions that they'll be able to step back from this mess. I personally hope they go and have a good time. I hope they lay out in the sun, see some sights, party and dance, eat great food, and see a bunch of the sights. In the midst of all that, I hope they look at their marriages and realize they're worth fighting for. I hope they come back and are willing to put up with all the pain, and hurt and shit that'll go along with trying to rebuild their marriages.

"Is there a possibility they'll decide what was okay for you and Jeff to do is okay for them? Certainly it's possible! But whether Tom and Amber decide to have sex whomever, it'll be completely up to them. Their decisions, just like yours and Jeff's, will have consequences."

Agnes looked at her cousin with a sadness that seemed more like pity.

"Ashley," she said softly but firm, "what difference will it make if Tom sleeps with someone else now or after your divorce?"

My wife gasped. Her cousin's words had touched an area she obviously didn't want to acknowledge.

"As I said pointed out to Jeff," Agnes sighed and continued, "The reasons you have for not wanting Tom to cheat are the same reasons that didn't stop you from sleeping with his best friend and your cousin's husband. I'm sorry Ashley, but I'm not seeing a lot of options."

"Well," I interjected, "I'm not interested in lowering myself to their standards, so going on this trip seems like a bad idea."

"I understand," Agnes said nodding. "Perhaps we can come up with a better one. Actually, it would be a good idea for us all to break for the rest of the day. We can all think on it, and maybe someone can come up with a better alternative. We'll meet here again tomorrow evening after supper."

With that, the meeting ended and we began to leave in groups. I noticed Andrea made a beeline straight for Ashley while Agnes hovered over Amber. When the ladies had all left, it was only Bill, Jeff and me staring quietly at the fireplace. Soon, Jeff left and it was only Bill and I.

"I'm sorry Tom," he said softly. "This isn't what any of us wished for you two. If no solution can be reached when we convene tomorrow, would you please meet with Agnes and me afterwards?"

I nodded and thanked him for his concern.

The rest of the day was difficult. I only saw Ashley a few times and it was obvious she wasn't doing well. I ended up taking Arlene and Amy into town to shop and spent the rest of the afternoon, watching the two of them unwind.

As I watched the two teens I had to smile. They both chattered non-stop as we went from store to store not buying anything. I realized both of them were stuck in households full of tension and that this was a welcome release for them. They desperately needed to have some fun and act like teenagers again.

It wasn't until later that Arlene cornered me and asked what was going on that things began to get serious again. I told her things were bad but that I'd explain after we got home this weekend. Her assignment for now was to take care of Amy and to have as much fun as was allowed, as long as it didn't include boys. She laughed and hugged me. When she told me she loved me, I struggled to tell her I loved her too. I had to fight back a tear as I realized the emotional wall I'd put up to protect myself was affecting my relationship with my children as well.

When we got back to the estate it was like a dark cloud had descended on the group. Each person seemed to be in their own little worlds trying to find a way out of this mess. Jeff avoided me entirely and I only spoke with Ashley a few times the rest of the evening.

That night when we went to bed there was an eerie silence. After I turned out the light I laid silently staring into the darkness. I could feel more than hear Ashley crying. Her pain still affected me so I squeezed my eyes closed and fought back the tear that was threatening to escape.

"Tom?" she whispered.

I wasn't sure if I was ready for this conversation so I remained quiet.

"Tom? Please Tom, I know you're still awake. I've spent countless night this last year watching you while you slept."

"Okay Ashley," I sighed. "So I'm awake."

"Now that I've finally been allowed to tell you what happened, I feel even worse than before."

That surprised me a bit. I expected that she would feel a great sense of relief after confessing.

"When I finished saying what I needed to say all I could do was shake my head in disbelief at my selfishness and stupidity. It was like I knew what I'd done was wrong and hurt those I really do love but when I tried to put what happened in words it sounded...well it sounded just pathetic.

"And then when Jeff said what he did..."

I could her sobs in the dark.

"Oh god, it made me feel even more like a cheating slut! Tom?"

I could feel her roll on her side and I even felt her gaze.

"I'm so ashamed of how I've hurt you. If there was some way to take it back I would. I know I've said it so many times but I'm truly sorry.

"I hate what I did. I hate the thought that you might make love to Amber or some other woman if you go to this conference. I hate it more than I can express because I know I've lost any right to tell you not to go.

"I hate this place now as well. It reminds me of my betrayal of my husband, my cousin and our families. It also reminds me that I've become what I've tried all my life not to be, an arrogant, selfish, spoiled slut. I betrayed myself as well as you."

"Yes," I said softly, "yes you did. But it still seems to be all about you."

"What?" she breathlessly whispered, "No, that's not true."

"You've just told me what this inn now reminds you of. Would you like to know what it reminds me of?"

I heard her try to stifle a cry.

"It reminds me of when my world ended. It was the very night that the two people in my life that I trusted the most threw me away so they could fuck each other. Their supposed love for me, their supposed loyalty to our friendship and marriage was tossed out to the curb like garbage. And with it went my confidence, my strength, my desire to live along with all my hopes and my dreams. That's what this place now reminds me of with every smell, sound or sight."

Ashley rolled over away from me and wept. I could feel her body shake and tremble with each soul-shattering sob.

I rolled over away from her as well and tried to sleep. I knew sleep would be difficult after our talk but I tried. I failed. It was at least another two hours before I found any rest.

The next morning was a rerun of last evening. Everyone was struggling and very edgy. Any solution that could save both marriages and friendships was simply elusive.

Not surprisingly, when we all convened the next evening, we were still at an impasse. Everyone agreed that counseling would be a part of our future; however it was uncertain if it would be marriage counseling, or ordered via divorce court.

With everyone frustrated, the meeting broke up. I went to meet with Bill and Agnes as I'd agreed to. When I entered the study, I wasn't surprised to see Amber there as well.

"Tom, I've asked Amber to join us," Bill stated plainly. "This'll have to be her decision as well as yours."

I nodded but remained silent.

"I'm sorry Tom," Agnes said softly. "I know you wanted Jeff and Ashley to bear the weight of what they did, but it's obvious they can't. It's not fair, but you'll have to get involved with things now or some things may happen without your input.

"Over the past month, Ashley has begun to ask me questions about divorce and divorce attorneys. I know she doesn't want a divorce but she's quickly losing any hope. I wasn't trying to be dramatic when I said I only gave your marriage a few more months before it might crumble."

"Tom," Bill said calmly, "Agnes warned that several family elders were poised to get involved in this situation, but she didn't go into detail what it might mean."

"Bill," I replied, "I understand having elderly busybodies getting involved in my marital issues could never be called good ..."

"No," he interrupted, "it's more than that. I'm not talking about what it would mean to your two marriages but, what it would mean to the Connor family as a whole. Agnes didn't expound on that part."

He paused for a moment to make sure he had my complete attention.

"Imagine very powerful, very opinionated, elderly individuals all converging on your situation. They all have the best of intentions, but will unfortunately disagree with each other on how it should be resolved. Your situation will be at the center of a family-wide conflict. Sides will be chosen and lines will be drawn. Past disagreements and fights will be revived. Old wounds could be reopened, and there could be some serious in-fighting within the family.

"If that happens everyone loses. However, the four of you'll stand to lose the most. Just the fact your families are at the center of this mess will hurt your standings within the family at the very least."

"Tom," Agnes said gently, "hopefully now you can see how Jeff and Ashley's mess could affect the entire family, but I'm not sure if you can see how it's changing you. You're a good man, Tom King, but it's clear to everyone around you that you're changing. I know Ashley and Jeff's betrayal caused it, at least initially.

"Whether you're doing it on purpose or not, you're growing harder, colder. The lack of emotion you show scares those of us who care about you. You're building a wall around yourself and we're afraid you're in danger of shutting down completely.

"Ashley and Jeff's affair has already caused so much damage. Please don't let it claim you, as well. I know it's not fair and you don't want to, but for your sake you need to decide...

do you want your marriage to survive or not?

"Whatever you choose is okay," she said sighing. "I hope you'll decide differently but if you decide on a divorce, most of the family will still take your side. Some won't, but they should be few enough so as not to cause you too much trouble. However, your position in this family will still probably suffer. I know that means something to you, Tom. You've worked hard for this family."

"I guess I need some time to think and get away from all of this," I said "I'm not sure a week in Miami sounds like the place to do that, perhaps a cabin at the top of some mountain?"

Agnes smiled.