Carry That Weight: Beast Of Burden

"Then he told me if things didn't work out to please give him a call. He'd love to get to know the real Amber Burton because she was someone very special."

Amber got very, very quiet.

"Tom, what am I supposed to do with that?"

"The same thing I've done. File away the fact you have other options. There are others out there who think you're special and are attracted to you. Hopefully it'll make your decision to fight for your marriage stronger and more balanced."

This time it was her turn to look confused.

"Knowing we have options, we won't feel desperate to make our marriages work. I've got to believe that our desperation would turn toxic at some future point in our marriages. Either our spouse could use it against us or we might hate ourselves for being so weak. So, if we decide to fight for our marriages, it will be because we actually want to, not because we have to."

Amber nodded, maybe not her agreement, but at least her understanding.

"Bridgette sure was pretty and very into you," Amber chuckled.

"She's very attractive, but she isn't the one I was thinking of."

Amber looked over at me and got off the bed. She walked over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Now, where's my drink?" she said smiling.

We spent the rest of the evening chilling around the hotel. Our mood was somewhat melancholy. It reminded me of my youth, that last day of summer camp. Knowing tomorrow would find us all going back to our normal lives.

That night I held Amber tightly knowing I would probably never get the opportunity to do it again. It was bittersweet and a few times during the night I could feel her soft sobs as we spooned.

As I laid there I thought of this week and what it had meant. Had I cheated? I guess to some I had, to others I hadn't and to still others what I'd done was justified because of Ashley's affair. I'd certainly cheated emotionally and that would be enough for some. The cuddling and kissing would've been another line some would've thought of as cheating. Of course, compared to what Ashley and Jeff had done it seemed minor, at least in my mind.

Amber crawling into bed naked and grabbing hold of my erect cock wasn't intended on my part, but then I didn't really struggle to get away either, sort of like Ashley. However it certainly wouldn't pass any spouse test I knew of. Fantasying about Amber as I masturbated... well that was like looking at porn.

The fact we hadn't fucked was the line I'd tried not to cross. Since that had never happened, I felt like I hadn't cheated. Splitting hairs? Probably, but at least I knew where I stood. I also decided the details of this trip would never come out of my mouth. I'd let Amber dictate what people knew about this week. Would everyone think we'd had sex? Probably, but in Jeff's and Ashley's cases it might not be a bad thing.

The morning found us flying back home, back into a harsh reality.

****

Chapter 3 - Aftermath

If I thought of my marriage had been bizarre the weeks before the conference, my welcome home was something from the Twilight Zone. Before the trip, Ashley's response to being around me was like a person walking barefoot on hot asphalt, now it resembled a convict living on death row. She welcomed me home with a chaste kiss on the check and asked "when do you want to talk."

I told her we could talk anytime, but I wasn't going to go into detail about what occurred in Miami. She nodded and quietly left the room. I'd come to several decisions while in Miami. I believed I knew what I wanted and what I was willing to do towards those ends, but I still wasn't completely at ease with it. I suppose it was wrong, but I was still angry and hurt and wasn't willing to make it easy for her.

****

I knew it was inevitable, but Jeff finally confronted me a few days after we'd returned from Miami. He called one evening when Ash wasn't home and asked to come over and talk. I reluctantly agreed. When he arrived, I poured us both a drink and we went into the living room.

He started to say something and then stopped as he struggled with the issues he'd wanted to address. Finally with a deep sigh he stared into his scotch and water. He was obviously conflicted and resembled a tangled ball of shame, frustration, anger, and depression.

"I can't believe things came to this," he said quietly still avoiding my gaze.

I decided to start things off with a bang.

"You know," I said calmly, "there've been times over this past year that I'd wished you'd let me die back then? But then, I'd never have had Arlene and Jeffrey. And I wouldn't have been there for Amy."

I saw him wince and could tell my words were like heavy punches to his body.

"I would've never believed my best friend could betray me like that," I continued. "Never in a thousand years would I have thought he could do that to me."

He still refused to look at me but I could see the tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Yeah," he said clearing his throat, "sorry about that. I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know what happened."

"What happened?" I growled as I felt my anger starting to boil. "That's easy. My best friend lusted after my wife. That's not such a bad thing, but you crossed a line by acting on it. You tried to get me drunk, so you could fuck my wife. Oh, and let's not skip over the fact my wife is related to yours. You planned and then made it happen, you son-of-a-bitch!

"And then when asked why, what was your response? You'd just turned forty? Your wife was pregnant and you were horny! Does that about sum it up, buddy?"

"Damn," he said slowly shaking his head. "You make it sound so shallow when you say it like that."

"It was shallow, you asshole!" I yelled.

I saw him set his jaw.

"Yeah, I know it was, but don't you dare judge me after your little revenge trip to Miami!"

"Don't give me that!" I spat. "I gave you and Ashley a year to try and fix this. She at least tried while you did what? Apologized and tried to have as little contact with me as possible? What did you think? I'd get over it?"

"Dammit, Tom!" Jeff yelled his voice cracking. "You know there was no way to make up for something like that!"

We both stood silently and looked at each other.

"So I tried to go on as best I could," he said weakly, "and waited for the shit to hit the fan."

"Well it hit."

"Yeah... yeah it did."

"Even though our friendship is through," I said calmly. "You might still save your marriage."

"I don't know," Jeff snorted. "She's so damn angry I don't think she'll ever forgive me. Of course, I'm pissed as hell at the both of you for that revenge shit.

"You know she told me you both danced and romanced the entire week? She also said you ended up in bed together every night. She was actually fucking giggling when she told me she'd never orgasmed that many times in one night."

He shook his head slowly as he stared back into his drink.

"Hell, she even compared our cocks."

"So I've heard," I replied.

"That's it? That's all you've got to say?"

"I won't discuss the details of our trip," I said calmly. "I won't with Ashley and I sure as hell won't with you. I can't verify how many orgasms your wife did or didn't have. I'll verify that's she's a screamer. But if you want the blow-by-blow, excuse me, a suck-by-suck, orgasm-by-orgasm account then you'll have to get that from your wife."

"You really are an asshole now aren't you?"

"So I've been told. Although she actually said I was now a 'hard' person."

"Who said that?"

"Agnes, Amber and Ashley. I think I'm pretty justified being that way."

I glared at my ex-best friend.

"As bad as you may believe it was, at least you didn't see it for yourself. You didn't see your best friend and wife spooning naked in bed. You didn't get to see your best friend's cum seeping out of your wife's pussy, you fucking asshole!"

I paused, trying to get control of my breathing.

Jeff looked at me as the tears began to fill his eyes again.

"Damn, I really fucked things up didn't I?"

I nodded.

"Both you and Ash did. Then Amber and I set fire to it all."

He stood up and walked over to the front door. He looked briefly over his shoulder at me as he opened it.

"Tom, I can't ask your forgiveness because if you'd done that to me ... well I guess you did in a way, didn't you? Well it might not be worth much but, I'm truly sorry for what I did."

"You're right," I said to him as he was leaving, "it's not worth much."

****

Two nights later I came home to a dark house. My first thoughts were that Ashley had finally given up on us and left. My heart sank realizing my marriage might've ended like that, with just a whimper.

Walking in the front door I was both surprised and relieved to find Ashley in our living room, sitting in the dark. She spoke as soon as I walked in and I could tell she'd been crying.

"Tom? Can we... can we please talk?"

"All right," I replied.

"No, I mean really talk. Not like what we've been doing this past year where I talk and you act like whatever I say doesn't matter. But actually communicate? Regardless of how painful it is?"

I sighed deeply and sat down.

"All right Ashley," I said calmly. "I know it's been a long time coming, but I feel like I can do this now without it automatically ending badly."

I heard her sniff and then blow her nose before she turned on a lamp by the couch. Even with her eyes red from crying, I thought she was still beautiful. She wiped her eyes and looked at me questioningly.

"Is that really why you wouldn't talk to me?"

"Yes," I said gently. "Besides what could you have said? My wife, who I loved with all my heart, had slept with my best friend, who I loved as a brother. There was no excuse or apology which could ever begin to touch the depth of my pain and betrayal. By that one act my life had been taken from me. My love, my trust, my faithfulness were all lying shredded at my feet. I couldn't see any hope for us or for my friendship with Jeff, or for my future. That's why I considered killing myself back then."

Ash quietly tried to stifle her sobs.

"So, if I would've allowed you or Jeff to discuss what you'd done, or if we would've gone to counseling, I would've been forced to confront the situation. I would've had to deal with all the pain and worse ... I'd have had to make some decisions. I couldn't see any way our marriage could've survived a confrontation at that time. Any response I would've made would've led to divorce. So, instead of me trying to find a way to save this marriage, I left it up to you."

"And I failed," she whispered.

"Yes," I replied gently, 'but it wasn't a surprise. Ashley, I couldn't figure out a way to save us and truthfully I didn't expect you would either."

"I'm sorry Tom. I know you were hoping for me to find a way to fix this... to fix us. But I can't and I sure can't do it by myself. I needed you to help me."

She paused and slumped back deeper into her chair. We stared at each other for a few awkward moments before she leaned forward and took a deep breath.

"So where does that leave us?"

"I don't know Ashley," I sighed. "At a crossroads, I guess. Both of us need to decide if we're still willing to try to make this marriage work or even if it's worth saving. I'm not sure where exactly to begin."

"Where to begin," my wife said quietly to herself, and then looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I know where to start even though it's so many months past due...

"Tom, I'm sorry. I know I've said it a million times but I am. Whether you believe me or not, I've never been unfaithful to you other than that one horrible night. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

"I know there's nothing I can do to take away the pain I've caused. I wish there was but there isn't. It wasn't fair to you or to Amber and I'm so very sorry I did nothing but encourage it.

"I'm also sorry that afterwards I didn't realize the level of pain I'd caused you. You masked it better than I thought you could. I really believed I knew how you were hurting but I was wrong. After living through the past couple of weeks I can now at least imagine it."

"You never walked in and saw me naked in Amber's arms," I snapped harsher than I'd intended.

"No, you're right I didn't," her voice waivered. "Like I said, I can only begin to imagine that kind of pain. But I do know what pain is, Tom. I saw the contented smile and look you had when you came home from your trip and it crushed me. I knew it wasn't me who put it there, it was Amber. It was someone younger and prettier than me, someone who hadn't betrayed you. What was worse was when she and I visited earlier this week.

"I expected her to yell and scream but she didn't. Oh she's still mad as hell at me, and rightfully so, but she was willing to allow me to apologize. What killed me was she had the same look, that same damn smile on her face as yours."

We were both silent for a few minutes.

"I know you've always cared for her and I knew she worshipped you, but now it's changed. It's different since your trip. Your feelings for each other seem deeper."

I nodded.

"Do you love her?" Ashley whispered her voice cracking.

"Yes," I said softly.

"If you want a divorce I'll give you one," she said her voice breaking. "It's not what I want, but I really do love you and if you don't think I'll ever be able to make you happy again..."

Her voice broke and she wiped the new tears out of her eyes.

"Then I'll give you your divorce so you can pursue someone who can. Maybe somebody like Amber? Or maybe someone like Bridgette?"

She paused to see my reaction to Bridgette's name. It was obvious Amber had been playing mind games with her concerning Bridgette. I was sure it was another way of getting some added revenge. Ashley sighed at my lack of a reaction and continued.

"Whoever it is, I won't stand in your way."

"You said that's not what you want."

She nodded.

"What is it you want then?"

"I want this nightmare to be over," she snorted. "I wish my stupidity and arrogance could somehow be washed away and we could be like we were a few years ago. I know that can't happen so what I want now is to save our marriage. I want my husband to somehow love me again."

"Even now? Even with everything that's happened you still think this marriage is worth saving?"

"Yes," Ashley said softly, "even now. I won't tell you your trip with Amber didn't hurt because it did, very badly. I'm trying to get past it, but I'm not sure I can completely. I'm willing to try, though, but only if you're willing to fight for this marriage as well.

"Tom, I can't do this alone. I thought I could but I was wrong. I knew I could hold out until you gave me a chance. How is that for arrogance? What I found out was I'm weaker than I ever imagined without you. I still pray you'll allow me to try and show you our marriage is worth saving; o prove I'll never hurt you again like that for the rest of my life, but I'm empty, drained. I don't have any more to give."

I saw Ashley's eyes as she studied me. It was as if she's was preparing to ask a question who's answer she feared.

"Are you going to leave me for her?"

"No," I said gently, "even with my feelings for Amber, I still love you. Given time I know I could easily fall in love with Amber, but I've no plans to leave you or this marriage."

"However," I said quietly, "I also know how hard it'll be to save it and I'm not sure we can."

She looked at me with hope in her eyes.

"But you're willing to try? Is that the conclusion you came to on your trip?"

"Yes, I resented Agnes' interference earlier this month, but it did seem to help. I learned some things about myself and what I wanted while at the conference. I have a better idea of where I stand concerning this marriage, but to be honest I wasn't sure what your thoughts would be now. A lot of things have happened.

"I'm sorry it's taken me this long, but if you're willing, I think I'm finally able to sit down and talk about it. I can't tell you where it may lead, but I'm willing to try."

"Thank you," Ash said softly. "I know you're right, making this marriage worth having again will be hard. There are so many wounds we both have now."

I looked at her and started to say something but she cut me off.

"I know what I did with Jeff was horrible and left a huge scar which will never completely go away, but you need to realize you've hurt me too Tom. My actions with Jeff were those of a stupid foolish bored wife, but make no mistake... I didn't love Jeff, not like you love Amber. What you did in Miami was painful, but the fact that you love her tears at my very soul.

"To be honest I still love you but I'm hurting right now. I know I've brought it on myself, but it doesn't stop the pain. I feel like I'm watching my husband fall in love with someone else and I can't do anything to stop it. I've got no other ways left to fight for my marriage.

"I know you won't tell me what happened, but Amber couldn't wait to let me know you slept in each other's arms every night. She didn't come right out and say it, but she certainly implied you were a kind and generous lover!"

"Dammit, Tom!" she sobbed, "That's supposed to be only for me! I know I'm a hypocrite for saying that. I know I threw away that right when I slept with Jeff, but that's what I'm feeling.

"I thought Amber might be saying those things to just hurt me. She certainly has every right. But then she commented although Jeff's cock is longer, yours is much thicker. I'm ashamed to know it's true."

"I wouldn't know," I growled, "I've never slept with him."

The anger in her face evaporated and a deep shame took its place.

"Dear god how I wish I hadn't," she whispered.

"Tom, I know I told you I was getting counseling after that horrible weekend, but I don't know if you realize I'm still getting it. It's helping but it's taking so damn long. We've been working on the reasons I allowed it to happen and how to make sure it never does again. The reason I've been working so hard on it is so if you ever give me the chance, I'll be able to look you in the eye and promise you it would never happen again."

"What makes you think I would believe you Ashley? You made those same promises on our wedding day but broke them. Why would I trust you not to break that promise?"

"You wouldn't," she said gently. "All I was hoping for was a chance. I was praying that in time, I'd be able to earn some of that trust back. I know it'll never be the same but I hoped you would see this marriage was still worth keeping."

I was silent for a moment before I stood up and walked over to her. Taking her hands I helped her stand and then took her in my arms. As I held her tightly, I gently spoke in her ear.

"I love you, Ash," I whispered. "That was something I realized in Miami. I've always loved you and always will. I don't know if we can make each other happy. But I'm willing to try and find out."

I felt her softly gasp at my use of her pet name. I then felt the wetness of her tears as she clung to me.

I'd like to say we made passionate love that night but we didn't. We crawled into bed and slowly but cautiously explored each other's bodies. It was as if we were reacquainting ourselves with what had once been solely ours. In the end, we gently made love and then spooned.

While I was holding her I compared the way she felt to Amber. Ash's breasts were a little smaller but still very firm as was her ass. I pulled her closer as she took my hand and cupped her cheek with it. I felt her soft kisses on my palm and the moisture of her tears.

I gently kissed the back of her neck and the taste of her skin, the warmth of her body molded next to mine, and soft fragrance of her hair and body reminded of a time so long ago. It was a time when it was just us in our bed without the shadows of Jeff and Amber.