Contracted Companion

Again I could not read her, so I pressed again, "Would you be happy to have our child or would you want to terminate the pregnancy."

Linda stared at me blankly.

"If you are pregnant, I would be the happiest man in the world. I love you. I know how old I am and would understand if you needed to find a younger man and have a more full life and family. I need to know, Linda. I am dying inside. I will struggle to stay healthy. Hell, I'll be eighty when the kid graduates from high school. I'm so sorry for getting you into this situation with an old man."

Linda was truly in some form of shock. I was not sure if she had heard any of my heartfelt words. She was like a zombie. She let me lead her out to the car and to the doctor's office. The doctor examined her, tested her and told her she was pregnant, nearly four months along. The doctor looked at me as puzzled by her lack of reaction, as I was. I paid the bill and drove us home.

Neither of us ate. We killed time and finally went to bed about eleven thirty. I knelt over her, pulled her shorty pajama's and her panties off, stripped naked and lay down next to her. As usual, I put my hand spread out over her stomach. In a few minutes, first her right hand and then her left crept down cupping her rounding stomach and pushing my hand farther down.

About midnight I was almost asleep when she spoke, "For twelve years I hoped and prayed every night. I gave up. I fell in love with you and the impossible happened. Do you think we are both too old to be good parents?"

"No, I don't. We have lots of love and can provide for a child very well."

Again, Linda was silent.

I asked, "Are you happy about being pregnant?"

She was honest and it ripped my heart, "I don't know."

By two, I gave up trying to sleep. Linda was exhausted. I put a pillow in her arms and hoped she would sleep well enough for two people. The next day, I cooked for a mostly silent Linda. That evening I read while she watched TV in our room, alone. When she fell asleep, I covered her and rolled her against a massive pillow.

Again I could not sleep. What horrors had my desire to contract a companion caused? I was cold but sat by the koi pond all night. The fish hated me. I turned on the pond lights; they couldn't sleep either. The three nearly tamed does wandered into the yard about five, waited for me to shoo them away. When I didn't, they ate the tops out of the roses. I did not care. I wanted the baby but I wanted it with the woman I loved. I wanted her to want it as much as I did. It was a package. None of it worked if it all did not fit. I was too tired to sleep and too tired to think. I sat and stared. Many years ago, I lost my son in a car accident. Part of me died. Somehow, life grew up around that hollow when Linda came to me. Now that hollow was so deep and wide it was pulling me in. I wanted to be swallowed up and disappear. No one was happy with me.

About six in the morning I filled the three squirrel feeders. About six-thirty two fat squirrels were chattering at some blue jays that were in the third feeder. The greedy little rodents had more than they could eat but didn't want the jays to have anything. I tossed some floating pellets to the koi. The big ones rose and took a few bites but the little ones looked at me as if to say, "Don't you know what time it is? It is way too early for food."

Linda was walking toward me in her pink housecoat and pink slippers. It was too cold for her to be out like that. I quickly retrieved two furniture blankets from the garage and wrapped her in them as she sat down on the bench with me.

"You didn't come to bed last night. This morning we woke up without you."

The word "we" rang in my head like chapel bells. Linda took my hand and guided it under the blankets and into her robe. She was nude and rested the palm of my hand on her pregnant belly. "He told me to tell you, "It's cold out here Daddy. Please come in and be with us."

"Is this what you want, Linda?"

"More than anything in this world, except for you."

Tears rolled down my face. She was right. It was cold this early in the morning. I helped her up and supported her as we headed back to the house. "Jim, I'm pregnant, not disabled. I can walk all by myself."

We laughed at my silly overprotection. There were a million obstacles and a million issues. Even age was against us but somehow we both knew this was going to work out.