God's Eye View

"Do...do you think that maybe the problem is me?" I asked, after a while.

"I don't know, Don," she answered with the frank honesty I'd come to expect from her. "It could be that you've got some unresolved issues that are holding you back from connecting with anyone. I know the fact that you never found out why your ex cheated has been bothering you. Honestly, I don't know why you never tried to find out, but that's your business."

She regarded me with an evaluating eye, and frowned.

"Your looks aren't the problem, that's for sure," she said, as she appraised me.

I think I might've actually blushed a little.

"Look, I'm not a professional, but I think you need to talk to her -- Brittany, I mean."

"Do you really think talking to my ex would help my love life?" I asked, doubtfully.

"Well Don, at this point, what've you got to lose?" she asked.

"Hmmm. Good point," I admitted. "I guess it can't hurt!"

###

That Sunday, when I drove the children to Brittany's house, I got out with them instead of dropping them off. My son and daughter looked at me in amazement; I'd never gotten out of the car at their mother's house before. Brian looked excited, while Danielle looked concerned.

"I just need to talk to your mother for a second," I told them both, firmly. "I'm not here to get back together with her, and I won't be starting any trouble, either. Okay, kids?"

The two of them nodded wordlessly as I strode up to the door ahead of them and knocked firmly. I knocked twice more before Brittany finally answered.

She still took my breath away; she was as beautiful as ever, even wearing the uniform from the diner where she worked as the day shift manager. She'd let her blonde hair grow out some. It was wavy, and was probably as soft and silky as ever. I didn't dare touch it to find out.

Her body was still as tight, toned, and firm as ever. Her perky little B-cup breasts stood up high and proud on her chest. Her sculpted hips, ass, and thighs still formed that perfectly curved shape that drove my testosterone levels through the fucking roof. She was still an adorable, pixie-like sex bomb...

"Why are you kids knocking when you know I leave it unlocked for you-"

She stopped when she saw me standing there, her eyes wide in surprise. Then they narrowed in anger.

"What d'you want?" she asked, barely civil.

"I want to speak to you for a moment, please," I said.

"About what?!" she demanded.

I wordlessly gazed at our two kids, who were still standing on the porch watching the two of us with a wide-eyed mixture of fear and wonder. She didn't appear to take the hint, so I spelled it out for her.

"Can we please discuss it privately?"

"Fine!" she snarled. "Get in the house, you two!"

"Now," she began, as soon as they were in the house and the door was closed. "What did the great and wonderous Donald want to speak to this poor sinner about? It must be something desperately important!"

"I want to know why you cheated on me," I said, simply.

"What?" she asked, surprised.

"I said, I want to know why-"

"I heard you, damn it!" she snapped. "But why the hell are you asking me this now? It's been over a year -- hell! It's been damn near 18 months! If you really cared about the reason, why didn't you ask at the time?"

"I was so furious about what you'd done that I didn't really care why you did it," I answered honestly. "But now that I've had some time, I want to know. Why did you destroy our marriage and family?"

"You're gonna pin it all on me, huh?"

"Well, you ARE the one that decided to have sex with other people," I said, in a reasonable tone. "I never cheated on you! I never even thought about it. What I had was too precious to me, and I always thought I could trust the love of my life. If you don't want to tell me, just say so, and I'll leave. I didn't really think you would tell me anyway."

Brittany's blue eyes bored into me, her anger plain to see. I just couldn't understand the anger. Her circumstances were a result of her own actions. All she had to do was be a faithful wife, and none of this would've happened. How difficult was that? But hell, even if she couldn't do that, she at least could have divorced me BEFORE she started fucking around. At least if she'd done things that way, I wouldn't have lost all respect for her. But she couldn't even do that much for the man she promised to love and cherish, as long as we both shall live!

I watched her face for a few moments, making note of the variety of emotions playing across it as clearly as images on a movie screen. At last, she seemed to resolve some sort of inner battle. Her eyes dropped to the porch for a few moments as she gathered her thoughts. Finally, she turned her face back up to look me in the eye.

"I-" she faltered. "For the longest time, I've had urges to be with another woman."

Her voice was very, very quiet. I had to strain to hear her.

"Why didn't you do it in college, before we got together?" I asked.

"I tried a couple of times, but I always chickened out," she said. "I was afraid that my parents would somehow find out. And, I was also afraid that my friends would think I was some kind of dyke, just because I wanted to experiment."

After a few moments to collect her thoughts, she went on.

"Jamie used to talk to me, when she came to the gym. She confessed to me once, that she had also felt those urges. I told her she was lucky; these days, there's a lot less of a stigma attached to bisexuality in women. She could play around with someone without fear. I didn't realize, at first, that the woman she wanted to play around with was me!"

She looked into my eyes and gave me a humorless smile.

"One night when I was working the closing shift, she managed to catch me alone in the women's changing room. It was amazing, the way she made me feel! I knew after that first time that I would never be able to give her up."

"So you decided you're gay?" I asked, hardly able to believe it. I'd been so sure that wasn't the answer! But Brittany shook her head no.

"No, I'm not a lesbian," she said. "But I am bisexual, certainly!"

She paused again, apparently trying to find the words to explain herself.

"There was more to it than that, though. I knew how you felt about monogamy, and I knew that even if I could give Jamie up, it wouldn't matter to you. That one time would be a deal breaker for you."

"Well, I admit you were right about that," I said. "I made that pretty clear at the beginning."

"Yes, you did," she agreed.

"So it was that easy to just throw away all we'd built, the last 11 years, for a quick tumble with another chick," I said, flatly. I actually felt worse than before. I don't really know what I'd expected to hear, but it sure hadn't been this!

"I didn't say it was easy, Donny!" she said, and for the first time in ages, I saw something besides hate in her expression.

"Damn it, Brittany, it couldn't have been too difficult for you! After all this time, I still can't believe what you did!" I said. In spite of my assurances to the kids, I could feel my temper flaring. After a second or two, I wrestled it back into its cage, but it wasn't easy.

"What about Benny the Bastard?" I asked. "Where did that stupid fuck-stick fit in? He's definitely not another woman!"

"No, he's not," Brittany said with a sigh. "He came into the gym and signed up for a spin class I was teaching. We started talking, and eventually he ended up being one of my personal training clients. He started talking to me about the time we spent together back in college. After a while, he started pressing me for what he called 'a little fun on the side,' but I always turned him down."

She paused in her recollections, and turned away from me for a while. I didn't push her; what she was saying, sickening and hurtful though it was, had the ring of truth. If Angela was right, then I needed to hear it. All of it. At last she turned to face me again.

"Along with my fantasies about being with another woman, I also had fantasies about group sex. After the night Jamie and I made love to each other, the barriers to fulfilling my fantasies were shattered. I knew I was already screwed, if you ever found out what I'd done. I also knew there was no way that you would ever go along with the idea of a threeway. Ben, though, was overjoyed at the idea! But he wanted a little one-on-one time with me, first. So, I fucked him for a couple of weeks. Finally, I got my threeway. It was great, until you busted it up."

For once, her voice was matter-of-fact, rather than accusatory. In a sick, twisted sort of way, I could see why she might feel that way. For what it was worth, she was correct: her having sex with (and yes, I noticed she said 'made love') Jamie Keller was more than enough to end our marriage. With that in mind, why not fulfill her other fantasies? In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

I shook my head.

"I almost wish I hadn't asked," I said. "Angela thought that finding out why you cheated would make me feel better. Instead it's just made me feel even more inadequate! I wasn't enough for you, and you didn't even have enough respect for me to tell me to my face. You just decided to go out and get what you wanted, and to hell with me!"

Brittany shrugged her petite shoulders.

"It didn't really feel like that to me, Don," she said. "Or at least, I didn't think of things in those terms. I don't know if it will help to hear this or not, but the truth is that I just didn't think of you at all until I'd already done it! It was only afterward that I gave any thought to what the consequences might be. I truly didn't set out with the intentions of hurting you or destroying my marriage. My Mom says that I'm a horribly weak person, and I guess she's right."

I started to say something angry and then stopped myself. There was no point in it. I'd pretty much said it all by now, anyway. In a strange way, though, I was starting to realize that Angela was right. Now that the initial hurt was wearing away, I actually did feel a little better!

I'd learned that I hadn't pushed her away from me, her own desires had led her astray. Her mother was right, she WAS horribly weak! To throw away 11 years of marriage, a good home and family, for a stupid affair, was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard! But, it wasn't my fault.

"Did you ever love me, Brittany?" I asked quietly.

"Of course I did!" she replied. "Part of me still does, I guess. I mean, over and above the effect it's had on our two children, I regret hurting you, too! That must mean there's still some love there."

"Were you ever faithful to me?" I asked next.

"Yes, I was totally faithful to you...until that night when Jamie and I made love," she replied. "I'm afraid that for the rest of that whole year, I was a... Well, I was a slut."

She dropped her head again and sighed deeply.

"My therapist helped me see I was wrong to do what I did," she said, not looking up. Then her voice hardened with anger again. "You didn't have to wreck everything, though!"

She pointed an accusing finger at my chest.

"You seriously damaged my relationship with my parents! You ruined my reputation so thoroughly that I can't get a job in my field anymore! I don't even think moving to another state will help! And you ruined my poor little Jamie, too! She won't talk to me anymore, but I've heard from others that she was smeared right along with me when you released that video! How could you do that to me!"

"Hey, I told you ahead of time I was going to do it if I didn't get my way in the divorce. You could have avoided all that, but you chose to go with your stupid pride. You thought that I was a liar, like you are! I'm not, though: I do what I say I'll do! Of all people, you should have known that, Brittany. Don't even try to blame your problems on me!" I said, indignantly.

She shook her head, angrily. "No, you went off the deep end! You had to have your revenge because your stupid male ego was bruised! You got all butt-hurt because I needed more than you were willing to let me have!"

"No, Brittany," I said, my voice deadly quiet. "If that was the case, you should have come to me and told me to my face, like an adult, and gotten a divorce. I would have been horribly angry. I probably would have hated you! But, I still would have respected you."

I shook my head at my ex-wife contemptuously.

"But instead of doing that, you decided to cut loose and be a worthless slut! You aren't even worth as much as a common street walker: at least they are honest about what they are (and they get paid)! It terrifies me to think of something like you having a parental influence over two young, impressionable children. But the courts have had their say over that, and I can't stop it. I can only pray that your mental illness ends with you!"

I looked at her scornfully. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared up at me. Damn it, I just knew this was a bad idea! There's just too much anger and hatred for us to have a civil conversation. Not that I had said anything I didn't believe; but I truly hadn't intended to get into it with her today! Oh well, I had the answers I was looking for, at least. I decided to leave and let Brittany wallow in her suffering.

I turned to leave, but to my surprise, Brittany stopped me.

"Don wait, I have questions too!" she said.

"Like what?" I asked, disbelievingly.

"Why were you so willing to give me up? Why didn't you fight for me?"

"That's a ridiculous question!" I snapped. "Don't you remember any of the talks we had while we were dating? The talks about infidelity, and how it destroys families! I told you then, that cheating was the only thing I could think of, that was a no-questions-asked split. I will never put up with that! You knew that before we were engaged, to say nothing of getting married! The second you had sex with someone else, there was nothing to fight for!"

She trembled slightly, and a soft sob escaped from her lips. But she stoically wiped her eyes and composed herself enough to ask her next question.

"How did you find out?" she asked. "We were so careful, and you never break your habitual patterns!"

I snorted a humorless laugh.

"Believe it or not, it was a total accident!" I said.

I went on to tell her the whole story of that terrible morning. As the tale wound on and on, her eyes gradually grew wider and wider. When I finally finished, she sank down onto one of the cheap metal chairs she kept on her porch.

"That story is so unlikely it almost HAS to be true," she said. "Google Earth, of all things!"

"I had a god's-eye-view of it," I said, bitterly, but with a certain amount of dark humor. Honesty compels me to admit that if it had happened to someone else, it would've been funny. Life is like that sometimes.

"Did you need to ask anything else?" I asked, finally.

"No," she said, very quietly.

She stared at me for a long moment. When she spoke again, she really surprised me, because she said some things I honestly never expected to hear her say.

"Don, I'm sorry. Really, truly sorry, for my selfishness," she said. "I know I have no right to be angry at you. My therapist says that the one I'm really angry with is myself, it just manifests as anger toward you. For what it's worth, I've told the children that our divorce was my fault, not yours. I didn't give them specifics, of course, but I did tell them that much."

"Thank you for saying that, Brittany," I said. "It eases my mind slightly, for the childrens' sake, at least."

And then I turned and left. It was the last time we would speak to each other face-to-face for a long time.

###

Another year passed, and my love life (my lack of a love life, I should say) stayed about the same. I still had the occasional roll in the hay with a willing woman, but there was no relationship in the offing. There was rarely, if ever, an expectation of one. I'd just about resigned myself to a life of sex without love (yes, I'm a hopeless romantic, quit making fun of me!).

I've heard the phrase 'time heals all wounds' many times in my life, and I guess there's some truth to it. Time seemed to be taking it's sweet time (ha, ha), but I noticed that I was gradually letting go of my bitterness. I enjoyed my time with my children. Watching them grow and learn was one of the true joys in my life! Brian, even though he had just turned 10 years old, was already expressing interest in the family business. He loved helping me with the plants, and especially the Japanese-inspired rock and sand gardens.

Danielle seemed to be gravitating more towards a career in healthcare, although there was plenty of time for her to change her mind, too. She was only 12! And speaking of her tender age, it seems she was beginning to discover that boys aren't necessarily the gross, icky things she used to think they were. Some of them were fascinating! I knew that stage of her growth was coming along soon, but I hadn't expected it to arrive just now!

It was my enhanced protectiveness towards Danielle that led me to volunteer to be a chaperone for the kids' school sock hop that fall. Well, honestly, Angela and her new husband Mike also worked hard to get me to agree to help out, too. If you have kids that age, you probably know for yourself how had it can be to get parents involved in that sort of thing.

So, there I was, watching a bunch of kids getting sugared-up and bouncing around the school's gymnasium. The music was incredibly loud, and...well, I'll spare you all my opinion on the quality of the music. I guess that, even though I'm only 37, I'm officially old-fashioned, now. I don't even know the name of the other guy who's singing in Van Halen. Oh come on, that was funny!

I was focused on the kids, almost to the exclusion of all else, in fact. That's probably how Angela startled me so badly.

"Hey," she said.

"What?" I said, a little sharply. I hate admitting when someone startles me.

"Why don't you go talk to her?" she replied.

"Angie, what are you talking about?"

"That teacher over there! The pretty brunette in the cream and charcoal sweater!" Angela said. "She's hardly taken her eyes off of you once, this whole evening. Things will be wrapping up in another 30 minutes, so go while you have a chance!"

I gave her a confused look. Looking at me? A woman? Angie had to have things wrong. I discretely scanned the gym and spotted the woman she was talking about. She was indeed a brunette, and she was more than just pretty, in my opinion. She was about 5'6" tall, and well-tanned like me. She was curvy: her sweater couldn't hide her breasts.

Her nice bust tapered in at her waist, and flared out again at her generous hips and ass. The knee-length skirt showed off her shapely calves, along with just a hint of thigh whenever she took a step. I wondered to myself if those where pantyhose she was wearing, or if they were stockings...

Yes, she was very attractive, there was no denying that. She wasn't looking at me, though I wouldn't mind if she was! After a moment, I turned to look at Angie.

"Are you sure she was looking at me?" I asked, my disbelief obvious in my tone.

"I'm certain!" Angela said, grinning widely. "Trust me, buster, a woman always notices these things. Go on, take a chance, Don! At the very least, you'll probably get a night of fun out of it. But you never know, there just might be something more!"

I shrugged. Why the hell not? I didn't have anything going with anyone else, and she really was a cutie. She was almost the perfect opposite of Brittany, physically. After just a moment, I decided to go for it. As if to spur me on, Angela smacked me on the back of the shoulder where no one else could see her do it.

"I'm going, I'm going!" I said very quietly to her.