Lost & Found Ch. 01

Casey gawked at her, and Sarah couldn't help smiling nastily back at her. "Told you what they did, did they? How they refused to let him go to college so you could have a nice new luxury car and a trip to Europe, how he had to turn-down a full scholarship to Berkeley because your folks refused to help him in any way, how they want a bubble-head like you to go to college, not him, the only brain in the whole damn family? Enjoying your nice birthday presents, are you? You'd better, because that was your brother's future; think about it next time you and the rest of your slutty friends pile into your nice new car, or when you go slutting around Europe next year, and wonder how the hell your brother's supposed to make a life when you've taken his future from him; I hope it gives you a warm glow inside. You have to go now, I'm sure there's a boy somewhere you haven't shown your ass to yet!"

She drove home in shock, numb with the realisation of the truth she'd heard in Sarah's voice, her words running around in her mind, thinking about what she'd said, remembering how they treated him; like he was invisible. When was the last time she'd said 'thank you' when he'd done something for her, or said 'good morning' to him, or even just smiled at him, included him just once? She had time for everyone, but never any for her brother.

Sarah was right; they'd driven him out. They never gave him anything, or bought him anything, or did anything for him, or took him out anywhere; it was always just Mom, Dad and her. Robbie had never been on vacation with them, preferring to stay with Joey; at least, that's what the parents had always said; but supposing they had told him he couldn't, or worse, never even bothered to ask him along?

The birthday present had been a mean, shitty masterpiece, calculated to hurt, she now realised, Mom and Dad giving him a T-shirt, smirking like they were sharing the best joke in the world, with her giggling and rubbing it in because she'd just got a car. Now she remembered with painful clarity the hurt, lost look he'd had, and yet he'd still thanked them politely, humbly even, even though his face told them plainly that he'd come to the final recognition of just how little he meant to them. She and her parents had taken their meanest, lowest shot in a lifetime of petty meanness, and yet he'd still thanked them. In that one incident, Robbie had shown more grace under fire, more character than all the rest of his family, more courage in the face of adversity than the rest of them combined were capable of.

She thought about how thoughtless and malicious they'd all been to him all his life; Birthday, Casey gets an iPod, Robbie gets a book, Christmas, Casey gets a laptop, Robbie gets a book, next birthday Casey gets a car, Robbie gets a T-shirt, her parents no doubt chuckling inside at the stricken look on his calm face each time he got handed the shit-end of the stick, nobody ever going out on a limb and actually being nice to him, not once.

She remembered one occasion when she'd had to go into his room (room, hah! What a joke that was, an awkward little hutch of waste space that he'd been shoehorned into because there was no need to waste a real bedroom on him; it was only Robbie...) for some reason or other, and had smirked at how little there was in there, no trophies or medals, no TV or laptop, no stereo, nothing; God, he was such a loser! She'd noted on his little bookshelf 3 copies of the same book, all new looking, and giggled at the fact that they'd given him the same cheap book 3 years in a row, because no-one had ever bothered to ask him if he already had it. On his dresser, some battered plastic toy soldiers, and she'd sneered at him for being so juvenile; now she realised that they were there because they were all he had. Now it suddenly didn't seem so funny, mute evidence of just how little they thought of him. And what had she just said to her parents? 'It's only Robbie.....'

Casey stopped the car in a side street and, for the first time in her life, cried for her shy, soft-spoken, diffident big brother, for tuning him out, for hurting him so often, and for so long it had become second nature to her, to all of them. She cried for all the hurt and neglect, a lifetime of love and caring they'd withheld from him, for giving him a lifetime of not very much at all, realisation of her guilt drilling into her. When she got home, she ran into his tiny room and looked around.

His battered closet stood empty, and she realised it was her old Barbie 'Princess' closet, her discarded child's closet handed to him to save them from actually having to give him something of his own, yet another reminder of how little he meant to them. His few possessions, his books and toy soldiers were gone; he'd taken them with him, and now there was no evidence he'd ever been there. Robbie really was gone for good. Casey sat on his bed and cried hot, useless tears, a pointless atonement that brought no solace, finally understanding what it really meant when you took everything from someone and left them with nothing.

When Joey came in, Sarah filled him in on what had happened, and for once didn't rein him in when he let loose a string of invective, feeling like doing the same thing herself. "Joey, Robbie's going to stay with us for a while, so I want the two of you to clear out the spare bedroom, fix it up for him, OK? I'm calling your uncle Frank, I need a favour."

When they came down from setting up the room, Sarah sat Robbie down. "Robbie, I think I know what you can do. My brother has a good friend who owns a video game company, software, that kind of thing, in the San Francisco Bay Area, Silicone Valley. I've asked him to talk to his friend, because Joey tells me you know a lot about game software and programming, it might be the place for you. Are you OK with that?"

He stammered out his thanks; this was beyond his wildest dreams, the most anybody had ever done for him...

Sarah had her brother call Robbie and talk to him, and he in turn conferenced-in his friend, Steve Vargas of GameStx. Steve had a long, genial but searching conversation with Robbie, then asked him if he'd excuse him, he would like to talk privately with Frank, That evening, Frank called Sarah, and told her what Steve Vargas had told him.

"Sally, I've never seen Steve so excited. Your young man is a genuine, bona-fide, dyed-in-the-wool software genius! Steve's astounded that someone who's not even graduated from High School could have such an instinctive grasp of high-level programming like Robbie has. Right now, Steve is trying to work an accounting deal to snare Robbie before Activision, Eidos or Microsoft find out about him and try and lure him in. I'm negotiating with Steve, because I think Robbie is going to be the next big thing in the games and gaming software world, and I want him to get the best deal possible -- the last thing I want is you chasing my scalp!"

Sarah listened with her mouth hanging open, delighted at the possibilities opening up for young Robbie at last.

"I'm holding out for an initial salary for him of $8,000 a month, from the way Steve was watering at the mouth, I think young Robbie will be worth that and more, so I'm sticking to my guns while Steve hums and haws, mostly for form's sake, I promise you; Robbie will be a valuable asset, and I know he'll go places, fast. Steve knows this too, so he'll cough-up, I promise you! When Robbie gets out here, he'll stay with me and Caitlin until he can find a place of his own--or not; I trust you and Joey's feelings about this boy, if you think he's a good kid, so will Caitlin and I."

The next day Steve Vargas called Robbie and offered him a position as a developer at their site in Palo Alto, on a salary of $96,000. In addition, he would be staying with Frank and his family in Morgan Hill until he could get his own place. Steve gave him as much time as he needed to put his affairs in order, and promised him some juicy projects to sink his teeth into as soon as he arrived.

Robbie was a little shell-shocked at how quickly things had moved, and tried to stammer out his thanks to Sarah and Joey, but Sarah pooh-poohed his thanks, saying that was what family did for each other, and she was proud of both her boys. Joey punched him on the shoulder and threw him a coke to drink a toast, and that was all that needed saying

Robbie had a couple of weeks before he went, and he spent them with Sarah and Joey, Sarah buying him clothes and stuff he'd need, just hanging out, being part of a proper family for a while. The last thing Sarah did for him was something he never found out about.

Casey answered the knock at the door, and opened it to find Sarah standing there. She called her parents and asked Sarah to come in; Sarah, somewhat icily, politely declined.

"Steve, Angie, Your son needed $500 for air fare, I gave it to him, I would like it refunded please. He asked me not to divulge his whereabouts, and I promised not to; I take my promises seriously; in fact, I'm not too certain where he went myself. I would however just like to add a postscript of my own; Robbie is a quiet, sweet, serious, considerate, phenomenally talented young man with a genius-level IQ, which you'd know if you had ever bothered to attend even one of his guidance counselling sessions, or even just spoke to him once in a while; instead, you tried to crush him. God help you, you nearly succeeded."

"He's gone a long way away, and he's never coming back; you nearly destroyed him, and he has no happy memories of here or you, nothing to come back to. He give me a message to give to you; 'Stay away from me,' and that goes for you as well, young lady."

"You didn't want him to exist, so now you're getting your wish; I hope you choke on it. A wise man once said, be careful what you wish for, you may get it'. You will all live to regret the day you decided to destroy that boy, and I fervently hope I'm here to see it. He's going to make a big splash one day, and you could so easily have been part of that, but instead you chose to ignore and neglect him. You drove him away, so now you get to live with it. He's gone, it would be best for all if you just convinced yourselves he never existed, because really, that's what you wanted all along, wasn't it? "

"All that aside, however, and just to satisfy my own personal curiosity, I have just one question for you, and I really would like an answer someday; what did he ever do to you to make you despise him so much? I'll leave you to ponder that, see if you can come up with an answer that doesn't make me sick to my stomach. In the meantime I'll take a check or cash. Just think, $500 to get rid of your son forever, I'd call that a bargain, wouldn't you? It would be the first, last, and only thing you ever did for your little boy, how good does that make you feel?"

"One last thing; if you do try to find him, for whatever reason, I'll find out, and then Joey and I will make sure the whole town knows just how you nearly destroyed that poor child for no other reason than because you could; when that happens, people will cross the street just to spit on you; you don't discard your children because they can't play sports, do you hear me, Steven Dolan?"

Sarah left with her check, Angie and Casey crying, Steve ashen faced, the fact that their eldest child, their only son, was gone forever only now sinking in.

*

4 years passed. Robbie had quickly settled into his job at GameStx, working his way up from Developer to Team Leader to Project Manager, to Senior Game Designer at the incredible age of 22, designing and rolling out some of the most popular and biggest-selling multi-platform shoot 'em ups and fantasy games.

He lived near Lake Merced in Daly City, a dormitory community for San Francisco in San Mateo County. He'd also to managed to attend college, at UCSF, juggling work and coursework, gaining a degree in Computer Science after getting his GED at night school.

In a gesture typical of him, he'd been sending a large chunk of his salary back to Sarah every month; she needed help with Joey's college expenses, and Robbie was doing what any brother, any son, would do; helping his family where they needed it. He made only one condition, though; Joey was not to know; he wanted to do this for his best friend, his brother, but he didn't want him thinking he was a charity case.

Joey stayed in close touch with Robbie. He was a regular visitor to San Francisco, working for a national insurance company with offices off Market Street, not far from the transformed Embarcadero, so they got together every few weeks to eat pizza, drink beer, argue about baseball, and rehash school days.

In truth, part of the reason for Joey's frequent visits was at the urging of Sarah, although Joey also loved visiting his oldest friend. Sarah was concerned that Robbie was lonely; he had no girlfriend, no real social life other than Joey's regular visits, and Sarah was worried that he had become too introverted, job-oriented, and lonely.

Still she had to admit, he'd changed a lot, changing more and for the better each time she saw him; he'd learned how to smile, and no longer peered at the world through pebble glasses; laser surgery had corrected most of his vision defects, and now he wore small thin lenses in fashionable spidery frames. He was still very fit, the training Joey had put him through had become ingrained habit, and he looked muscular, healthy, and confident -- and handsome, Sarah reminded herself.

So why no girl hanging on his arm; why no adventures among the fairer sex? With his looks, his build, and his sweet nature, he should have cut quite a swathe through the local female population, and yet...nothing. Sarah never mentioned these concerns to him, though; she was as proud of him as though he were her own son, and reckoned that, when he was ready to begin dating, he'd tell her. Robbie called her most evenings, if only to say 'Good night', only now she was no longer 'Mrs. Anderson'; now he called her Mom. He never asked her about his parents or Casey, and she never offered any information about them; he was well off out of there.

GameStx had satellite offices in Sacramento, Mountain View and Santa Clara, so Robbie spent a fair amount of time in one or other of them, as well as his own comfortable hutch in the main site in Palo Alto. He had become the face of the company with the distributors, his in-depth knowledge of the game source codes and his uncanny ability to innovate and embrace and build-in advanced applications and future-proofing capabilities enabling them to confidently pitch their products at new and un-tapped markets and data environments.

All meetings with the distributors usually took place in Sacramento, in a conference suite in one hotel or another, so when these meetings were in the offing, Robbie would book a room in the same hotel and drive up, preferring to stay overnight rather than drive back at the end of a long day, even though it was only a 100 mile drive from Daly City to Sacramento. This particular occasion was no different. He drove up early, wanting to check in and freshen up before the meeting. After checking in, he had half an hour to spare, so he decided to have a coffee in the lobby coffee shop, sitting and idly watching the guests and staff to and fro.

One girl caught his eye. She looked familiar, and Robbie was puzzled; he didn't know anyone in Sacramento except the software team there, all male, but still she looked hauntingly familiar. She seemed to be some kind of hotel Customer Service rep, tall, slim, wearing a smart business suit in the hotel livery, dazzling bright bronze hair caught in a ponytail with a black scrunchie, and large hazel eyes.

She looked up, caught Robbie's gaze and smiled, then froze, her eyes widening as she dropped her clipboard. She slowly walked towards him, still with that deer--in-a-headlight expression, and came up to stand in front of him, lip trembling. Her hand came out, as though to touch him and then dropped to her side, and two big tears rolled down her cheeks. Robbie was startled by the strange reaction this girl was having to him, but she was looking more and more familiar, maybe he'd place her soon, a colleague's sister, perhaps, or someone he'd once had drinks with, but why the tears? She sat down opposite him, and whispered, "Robbie!" confirming she knew him, but he still none the wiser. "Robbie, it is you! Robbie, it's been so long, where have you been? Oh God, Robbie!" Suddenly her face clicked into place.

Casey.

His stomach rolled, and he felt hot and suddenly nauseous. He'd come half-way across the country to avoid ever meeting or speaking to his family ever again, and now here she was, the cause of all his problems in the first place, the one who'd denied him his life, the selfish little daddy's bitch herself!

He stared at her, anger flaring in his eyes, then stood up stiffly and marched to the desk, intending to cancel his booking, settle-up and leave, find another hotel to stay in, anywhere to avoid Casey, deny her existence before she ruined his life all over again..

"Wait, Robbie!" she called, and next thing her hand was on his arm, tugging him. Robbie tried to shake her off.

"Leave me alone, you ruined my life, I don't want to hear, what? That you're sorry? Too fucking late for that, now let go and fuck off!" he hissed at her, aware she was causing a scene.

Casey kept hold of his arm, pulling him around to face her, grabbing hold of both his arms, looking at his face, into his eyes, tears running down her face. "Robbie, I am so truly, deeply sorry! Dear God, I've been looking for you for four years now, just so I could say that! If you want to tell me to fuck off, please, go ahead. I deserve it, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm sorry. Please Robbie, please, you're my big brother, and I treated you like shit, and I am so, very, very sorry."

Robby was silent, staring at her, listening to her voice, the longest conversation she'd ever had with him, said slowly "The whole family left me out my entire life, there was no room in your family for me, why would I care anything about you and your damned family? You did that to me and laughed; you stood by and laughed while they did that to me. I have no part in your family. Now, let me go. Why don't you just fuck off?" Casey flinched. "Didn't like that, did you? Imagine having every day like that, 18 years of 'fuck off', and then you say sorry. Not good enough! I told you to fuck off, why are you still here?"

Casey recoiled like she'd been slapped. "Robbie, please, don't leave me again!" she whispered hoarsely. "I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone. I haven't had a moment's peace or proper night's sleep since you left, I just spent my nights wondering where you were and worrying about you, and being frightened, really, honest to God frightened, that someone even worse than us was hurting you even more, all over again! Please, I felt like a part of my soul had been sliced open because you were gone, the way I should have always felt about you. I was a failure as a sister. I failed you, and I forced you out. I know now what I did, and I've cried for you more nights than I can count, but I always hoped I'd find you one day and say 'I'm sorry, I need my brother, I want him back'. Please, give me a chance to make this right between us. Don't walk away from me again, Robbie, please!"

She was crying openly now, other guests in the lobby staring at the big man making the girl cry; someone was bound to step in at some point soon.

Robbie sat down, handed her his handkerchief, muttering "OK, you've said your piece, now will you please go? I have a meeting in a few minutes, and I don't have time for your whining; you say you've had no peace, good, I think it's right you suffer; you took everything from me, and you gave me nothing. You left me with nothing, so I don't have anything to give you; you want absolution? Find a priest, I'm all out. All I want is to never see or hear from you and your parents ever again. I got tired of being nobody in your lives, now I have a life of my own, one that none of you can take from me, and I like it that way. No going back, Casey, and no room for you. Why can't you understand that I loathe and despise you? Go cry your crocodile tears someplace else, I'm busy!""