Modern Day Cavegirls

"You're cutting the grass with him in a playpen?" Jane asked, and then she nodded, "Oh yeah, Dad and Rose are out of town. Sorry, I've been away too. Why not leave him here with us while you finish the lawn worry-free?

Look, you know he's already stolen Amy's heart. What's the worst that could happen?"

"aaaaaaaAAAAAAHH!"

"That," Jodi pointed with a sad smile. "Eventually, he gets frustrated - just like his father. If he can't get your top open, he tries to push it out of the way. If that doesn't work and if he can find your nipple ... "

She got Tyler off Su-jin's breast and took him back. He started fussing immediately, but one hot glare from Jodi and he began to cry.

"I don't know what it is," Jane said, "but somewhere in all of the changes that happen to a woman on the way to becoming a mother, from somewhere, the weapons are bestowed upon her. She gets 'the look', the sound and she gets the name thing."

"What is the name thing?" Su-jin asked as she rubbed her sore boob.

Jodi smiled as Jane explained, "If you're being a little shit and you won't stop after repeated warnings, a mom will invoke your name - all of it spoken clearly and deliberately - every name you have and the long form, too. That's the last warning. It's all fire and brimstone after that."

Jodi nodded with a chuckle, "Tyler was a good baby and he really is turning into a great little boy. But sometimes everyone just needs to be told. I didn't say a word; I just shot him that look.

It never worked worth spit on his father."

She looked at Su-jin, "I heard you say that you're from Seoul. That's South Korea, right? Do mothers do that there?"

"Oh yes," Su-jin said, nodding with big eyes, "But Korean names go family name first - and I have several names. If my mother said all of them - everything - "

She shrugged, "You hear her start and it feels like it take about a half hour, but if she say it, you are very close. Watch how you answer then. She hear it wrong, she think there is something ... not respectful in your voice, game over.

Best thing is you say sorry, put hands up and step away from kiddie car."

They laughed at that. "Pardon my asking," Jodi said, "but does she call you Amy then too?"

Su-jin shook her head with a grin, "No. My mother never knew that I am Amy. I took this name when I came here. Sometimes American people have trouble with names from somewhere else. I pick Amy to make it easy for them."

She smiled at Jodi, "You are friend of Jane, so I like you too. Please use my real name - if you want to. My name is Su-jin."

"Thank you," Jodi smiled.

Jane laughed, "Go on. Say it. I want to hear you say it one time. It's a short name, and it shouldn't be tough, but there's a sound to it the way that she says it and I can get close - and she even says that I've got it right, but I know that I'm not quite there yet. I keep trying though."

"Su-jin" Jodi said, "Did I get it right?"

Su-jin nodded.

"Not even close," Jane grinned, "She's just saying that to be polite. But I know that it'll drive you a little nuts trying."

----------------------

Jane had Tyler as they walked inside. Jodi was headed back to finish the mowing and then she'd drop by for Tyler.

"So that's it?" Jane smiled, "Full-on love, here and gone in five minutes? I guess it's all over but the crying."

"I want to do that," Su-jin replied looking down at her injured boob, "It hurts. But he is so ... He is only a little baby boy. I will forgive him in time."

Jane nodded, "Any second now."

"Jodi is very nice," Su-jin smiled, "I could like her right away."

Jane nodded as she sat down with Tyler on her lap, knowing that he'd be wanting down in a minute, "She's not one of my original friends from school. Those ones are all gone and I never hear from any of them. She showed up here last year when her old car gave up on her right across the road.

Her boyfriend knocked her up and -"

She saw the look and said, "He made her pregnant. Her mother sounds to me like one of those really righteous religious types and she cut Jodi loose, swelling belly and all. With nowhere else to go, Jodi tried to make a go of it with her boyfriend."

She sighed, "She gave that up after he put her in the hospital the second time.

Anyway, she was desperate by the time that they put her boyfriend in jail. She had a little money saved up, about fifteen hundred altogether, so she decided not to be there when the bastard got out of jail.

She bought an old car and drove as far away as she could. Angel Fire is as far as she got. She had Tyler maybe the second day after that.

My Dad and his girlfriend took her in and she's doing a little better every day now. She's starting her landscaping business properly soon. We just hit it off and I do whatever I can for her. I like her a lot and I guess that I'm a little protective of her, knowing what she's been through."

Su-jin looked over and Jane looked a little uncomfortable, "Now that I think about it, I really should have told you about Jodi last night."

She shrugged, "I wasn't going to tell her about me, the way that I am. I figured that not telling people about me has always worked out ok for me. We'd hang out together and I'd help with Tyler to give Jodi a break.

One evening, she just looked at me and TOLD me that I like girls more than boys. She said that she could see that I liked boys, but she knew that I was more attracted to girls. I asked her how she knew that and she gave me that sweet Texas drawl and said that it wasn't hard. We'd go someplace and she'd notice that I was checking out the women.

So I admitted it to her and she said that she was fine with it. Life went on.

About a week later ..."

She looked at Su-jin, "Look. None of us are old women yet, ok? I was feeling a little needy that night. But I wouldn't have ever said anything to her. We were in here, having a few beers after Tyler was down for the night. Jodi mentioned that her boyfriend was a rotten prick, but there were nights when she missed him while she was alone in her bed.

It got me thinking, so I asked her if ... deep down inside, she was missing that one man specifically, like did she still love him? Or was it just that she needed a man?

She couldn't answer for a few minutes and I guess that I expected that, so I just waited. I mean, if I'd seen that she was still hurting, I'd have moved us off the topic instantly.

She finally told me that she did still love him in a way, but that she'd learned that breathing was better than being with a psychopath. She was just sad about that.

Then she told me that it wasn't the main issue. So I asked her what that was.

She shrugged and seemed to squirm around on the couch next to me for a minute and then she told me that since she's gotten here, she's tried to talk to men - just talk to them socially, not flirting, not letting then get stupid, just talking.

She said that she knows that there are really great men out there somewhere, but her problem seemed to be finding a way to come out from hiding from them. I asked her what that meant and she told me that she WANTED to get to know a man, but she had no courage left to do it with anymore. When she forced herself to take a chance and actually go out on a date - and she told me who it was, and I knew him to be a really nice guy.

I mean, look at her. She's a real doll. Any man with a heart and a brain would know to take good care of a woman like that. She told me that he really liked Tyler and that Tyler was really happy to meet anybody. I was sure that she'd made a good start at least. But she told me that it fizzled pretty quickly. Once they'd gotten to know each other enough to get beyond a goodnight kiss, Jodi was terrified all over again.

She said that when they held each other, she found that she really didn't want to. She told me that she really wanted to hide.

So it didn't work out. I suggested that she ought to maybe find a psychiatrist to talk to about it - and she asked me what money should she use for that. I actually felt really awful for her when I thought about it. I didn't have any other answers for her.

After that, she waited a little while and said that what she wanted was to be held close by someone that she could trust, someone who she knew absolutely cared about her."

Jane smiled then, "How do you think that I got so good at catching a flying beer bottle that's gotten away from me? I wasn't prepared for the next thing that she said at all.

She said "I mean someone like you, Jane. I can trust you with Tyler, with anything. So if you don't think that I look too bad for it could you please maybe think about me and you sometime? I don't think that I'm like you necessarily, but I've been thinking about you a lot and maybe we could have a little fun together if it goes ok."

She looked at Su-jin and almost laughed, "You look like you're about ready to fall off your chair. Is it the suspense or what?"

"I don't know," Su-jin replied with a little laugh at herself, "but this story is fascinating to me because I know you and I've met Jodi. Now I have to know how it ended."

Jane shrugged and said, "It hasn't ended. I've thought about it over a long time. I still can't honestly say that I know that she's any different. Maybe there was always something there - maybe it was something that she'd never dealt with in herself - I mean, consider what her mother must have been like. Maybe she was frightened by any thoughts that she might have had and just repressed it, I don't know. If you grew up in a place where there was somebody telling you that you were surely going to Hell for anything that you did wrong, how do you face having thoughts about somebody who's the same sex as you?

But since then, we do sometimes get together and fool around. It's not the way that you and I seem to want to go about it. I mean, there's no fireworks like that and the passion is at a lower level. I'm very conscious that it's what she needs from me and she's had enough of being thrown around to last a lifetime. I just try to be somebody that her heart needs as well as her body.

I don't think that she wants that kind of a relationship with me on a permanent basis. I just think that sometimes she needs me that way. I don't mind it. To me, she's beautiful and we're close friends. We can say anything to each other and we enjoy spending time with each other. It's been like that for about six months.

Thinking about what we said to each other last night, I guess I want you to think about us and tell me if you still want to be my friend, or if we shouldn't be together or what your thoughts are on the whole deal.

And Su-jin, I'll understand and accept whatever you decide."

She looked down and found that Tyler was nodding, so she carried him to the bed and laid him down. Su-jin watched as she kissed him and told him that she loved him very softly as she covered him with the blanket.

She came back then and sat down, waiting for Su-jin's reaction. She didn't look down and she didn't look away.

"I don't know what to say," Su-jin said quietly. "I like her. I liked her at once. I like Tyler. I have something inside me that wishes for me to say that it is alright - that I can accept this.

So, I accept this."

She looked down, "But you should have told me right at the start last night."

Jane nodded, "I know. I - I don't even know why I didn't think of it. I really wish that I'd thought of it and told you."

"I wish that too," Su-jin said quietly, "Very much."

She got up and began to put her things into her suitcases again.

Jane had a feeling that this might be the result, but there was nothing that she could do to change what had already happened. "Su-jin, wait. You just said that you accepted it."

There was a hint coming for Jane, though she didn't get it yet. It was the smoothness of Su-jin's English - or the lack of it - as the case may be.

Su-jin struggled to the door and set one of her bags down so that she could open the door. "I accept this - like I accept what happen me in Seoul, like I accept EVERYTHING happen to me that I cannot change."

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"To my house," Su-jin replied.

"Can't we talk?" Jane asked.

Su-jin shook her head, "What for? You said that you accept what I decide. This is what I decide.

So, accept it.

I do not know anyone here and I need you to show me place to get hair dyed. I need you to get me phone and laptop, like Bobbi said."

She looked back and Jane saw her tears again, but this time, it was from what Jane had done - or more correctly hadn't done.

"That is all I need from you."

Her voice began to sound rough, following closely behind her ability to use English smoothly, since that was going to hell in a hand basket very quickly. "I not need you make me feel like fool. I do that myself - everywhere I go."

Jane got to her feet and began to step over, but Su-jin held up her hand, "STOP!"

Jane froze.

She saw a different look on Su-jin's face then. It was similar to what had been there when she was working over the old post. There was intensity and little else. If there were other emotions there, they were being well-shrouded.

"I see now," she said coldly. "You not care about other people but Jane."

Jane stood still and slowly shook her head.

"YES!" Su-jin almost shouted.

It surprised Jane to see that there was still more coldness that could be applied - and Su-jin was adding it right now.

"You doing it now!" she hissed loudly.

"You doing it again, right now. You not know what I talking about - so I am right. Jane cares only herself."

Jane felt a little of the fire of her indignation rising up. "What the hell are you talking about?"

But Su-jin wasn't having any of it, "You make sounds, pretty sounds like you care. You don't give shit, Jane. If you care, then you think before you do anything but you don't.

What you think Jodi doing now?"

Jane shrugged, "She's cutting the rest of the lawn for my father. When she's done, she'll come back here to get Tyler."

The response was a short but vehement flood of Korean spoken to the floor and the expression on Su-jin's face left little doubt about whether it had been something very nice.

She looked up and glared, "You hear cutting machine now?

Are you sure you really woman? I have brothers like you."

She pointed behind herself to the door, "Jodi is crying. I not even KNOW her and I see it in face. She wait, that's all. She wait to walk away to cut grass. Then she cry, where no one will see.

Jodi love you - and you bring me here. You come out, have only robe.

What you THINK she thinks?"

Su-jin's voice stayed at the same level, but it sunk low in frequency so that she almost growled, "Forget it.

Leave me alone. Do not talk to me. I do not need anything from you."

She opened the door.

Jodi stood there with her hand slightly outstretched as though she'd been reaching for the doorknob. She looked like she'd been flash-frozen rigidly into place. Her cheeks were wet with the proof that Su-jin had been right on the money.

Jodi regained her ability to move right then and she walked past Su-jin to where her son sat crying. She picked him up and walked out, bursting into tears again as she did.

There was more Korean now from Su-jin, but it was much quieter. She was angry with herself for a lot of things, but right then; it was that she'd been loud enough to have been heard easily through the door.

She hurried with her things and said, "Jodi, please. I need your help."

Jodi slowed down, though she didn't look back and Su-jin caught up with her easily. "I sorry, and my English goes bad when I mad. Here is key. Can you help me to get inside? Afraid I will drop everything soon."

Jodi looked down and saw the key in Su-jin's hand, even as she held onto one suitcase. She took the key and Su-jin whispered her thanks. They reached the small porch of Su-jin's house and Jodi managed to get the door unlocked and open for Su-jin.

"Come inside. Please, Jodi."

They made it inside and Su-jin put her things down, where one suitcase fell open on the spot.

Jodi stood holding Tyler. She leaned her head onto his and wept.

Su-jin had nothing else, so she hugged them both and let Jodi cry. Somewhere in it, Su-jin realized something fairly inconsequential and that was that Jodi was about two inches shorter than she was. Then she realized that she liked that. Then she wondered why she did and then she wondered why she was thinking these things at all.

"I'm sorry," she said in a half-whisper, "I was angry. I should have guessed that you might be there."

"It's ok," Jodi whispered after a moment, "I think this was coming for a while. I guess that I was needier than Jane."

Su-jin looked down at the side of Jodi's face, the little of it that she could see anyway, "You really love her, don't you?"

Jodi nodded and sobbed a little more, "I guess it was a little one-sided.

I got here and had Tyler and we met and she helped me, and somewhere in there, I grew a crush. I never did anything with another girl before and to me, it was safe and it felt good. So I sort of began to love Jane. I think that in there, what I felt became more than what she did.

Su-jin tried, "Maybe you could ... "

She hesitated as she realized that she really didn't have much of a clue about offering advice to an American in an American relationship - in America. She'd have been stretching the bounds of her experience with successful relationships if this was Korea.

"Maybe you could talk to her," she said, "try to fix it."

Jodi sighed, "There's nothing much to fix.

Su-jin, there can't have been much there in the first place if she doesn't think and has a girl over for the night. I only live thirty feet away.

By what you said - that I heard, and I'm sorry about overhearing - she didn't say anything about me either, so I guess that tells me about where I stand. Of course that won't be her version."

She put Tyler down and he began to explore the contents of Su-jin's open suitcase. Jodi returned to stand in front of Su-jin again.

"The thing about Jane that I noticed a few times is that she wants what she doesn't have. I think it came to me a little bit late, but once she has it - she wants something else. I think now that when we'd get together, there was a difference to what we each wanted. We both wanted sex, but I also wanted her to love me. I think now that she just didn't have anything on the go then, that's all."

It took a couple of minutes, but Su-jin felt Jodi's arms move and then she felt her hands around her waist.

"I - Is - this alright, Su-jin? And thanks very much for the hugs, "Jodi whispered, "This feels nice to me."

Su-jin nodded as she put her arms around Jodi's shoulders, "Yes, It feels nice to me too, but I'm still sweaty from jumping around out there."

"So?" Jodi chuckled and it ended in a sniffle, "I'm covered in dust, pollen spores, and grass clippings. I think I like it. I'm just praying a little right now that you don't have any allergies."

"I don't, I think," Su-jin said.

She sighed, "And even if I did, I could buy medicine for that. It is not my real problem."

Jodi looked up, "What is, then?"

Su-jin sighed again, not being able to help it, "I think that today, I have just realized that I am like a leaf. Something happened to me in Korea and what I did shamed my family. It was something that was made so large by other people. I still don't think that what happened was worth the things that were caused by it.

But the result was the same. I am like a leaf thrown into a large river by the wind, and I am floating down the current with no control over it. If I have any control, it has only happened lately. My family threw me away and sent me here to America where I didn't want to go.