Off with Her Pants

Fay totally cracked up just before I hung up on her. I was still smiling a while afterward, though. Fay's craziness was good for my sanity at times.

****

I went through the motions of helping Fay pick out her outfit, hair style, makeup, and other such vital things for her 'big date.' In reality, she knew so much more about that stuff than I did that I might as well have been a cat advising on financial investments. Still, it was Traditional for me to offer input, and one didn't lightly fuck with Tradition.

I flipped through Fay's closet on the pretense of carefully examining her options. She stood in front of her mirror and held earrings up to her reflection.

"How good are you trying to look for this guy?" I asked. "Casual? Fancy? Come-back-to-my-place-and-do-naughty-things-to-me?"

"That's just called 'slutty,' dear."

"Uh huh."

"And no, not slutty. I don't like David that much. At least not yet. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, though."

"How generous of you."

Fay laughed. "Oh fuck off. Maybe I just like being taken out sometimes. It doesn't always have to be in the hope of true love."

"Sure, sure."

I abandoned the closet and sprawled across Fay's bed. I took some satisfaction in just how much it would annoy Mom to find out I'd simply moved my lazing around to a new arena.

"You really should get your boy toy to take you out places," Fay said. "I think you'd enjoy it."

"Maybe I would, but it's not that kind of relationship."

"So you insist." Fay's mirror-reflected eyes met mine. She pursed her lips as she examined me. "But it is the kind where you do naughty things."

I felt my face heat slightly. "Only a little."

"More than a little, my darling. You got some real action recently, didn't you?"

I bit my lip and considered denying it, but Fay already knew. Of course she knew. She had enough experience with boys and with me that I couldn't expect to hide everything.

"Maybe I did," I said casually.

"You definitely did. I see those little grins you get when you start daydreaming and forget I'm in the room with you."

"Don't!"

"Oh you so do."

I attempted to shrug it off, but Fay's accusation merely brought Denver to my forethoughts. I felt the stupid little smile creep onto my lips, and was unable to stop it. Fay nodded in self-satisfaction.

"Ok, maybe I'm having some fun with it, alright?" I said. "And maybe... maybe things have gotten pretty naughty."

"But no actual sex yet, right? Because you have to tell me when it happens."

"I most certainly don't."

"You do, Relly. I've worked on you for too long for you to hold out on me."

I feigned indignation. "What, I'm just some project for you now?"

"Not 'just' a project. But yeah, kinda." Fay tousled her hair a little and held it in slightly different ways, turning from side to side to judge her various appearances. "Sometimes I feel like I've worked harder trying to get you a boyfriend than I've worked for myself."

"Well that's just not true."

"It isn't. But I'm making a point, you see."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. If we have sex, I'll tell you. But we won't."

Fay raised an eyebrow. "You won't, huh?"

I shook my head. "That'd be taking it too far."

"I see. Why, exactly?"

"Because...." I stopped and tried to put emotions into words. It made sense in my head. Denver and I couldn't actually, like, properly fuck. Obviously. Except when I really thought about it, I wasn't sure why. "Because of reasons," I finished.

"Oh, well as long as there are reasons, that's alright then."

"It's complicated."

"Yes, yes. I know. Very complicated."

"Well it is."

Fay finished pinning her hair in a simple yet elegant style. She examined it critically, as though she hadn't worn her hair exactly that same way a hundred times before. She took these things more seriously than I felt necessary, but it seemed to work for her, so what did I know.

"I think," she said slowly, "that it's not very complicated at all. I think it's very simple, but you just don't want to tell me."

"One might argue that's what 'it's complicated' often means."

"Sure. One might." Fay undid her hair, then mussed it back out with her fingers. "Relly, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"And I know this is a silly thing to say, but please try not to be offended or upset by the question."

"You're right. That is silly. I can't very well help how I react. And now I'm anticipating something bad, which is only making things worse."

Fay stood still for a moment, her hair unfussed with, her appearance uncritiqued. Her reflected eyes bounced to me and away again a few times. I couldn't imagine what she'd be hesitating about that way.

"Relly," Fay said gently, "it's not your dad, is it?"

"My dad what?" I asked in genuine confusion.

"Your boy. It's not--"

"Ew! Fay! What the hell?!"

"I'm just--"

"No! Ew ew ew." I bounced off the bed and flung my hands in disgust. I loved my father, but the idea of doing... of doing.... I couldn't even bring myself to think it. "That's gross. Come on. How would you like it if I asked about you and your dad that way?"

"I'd find it gross also," Fay replied evenly. "And if it helps any, I was, like, ninety percent sure it wasn't him anyway."

"Well then I repeat, what the hell?"

"Because that means it's Denver."

I froze. I was afraid she was going to go there next. I'd been too distracted to mount a proper distraction offensive. Maybe it didn't matter. If she was even suggesting it, it meant she'd given it real thought already.

"I notice you aren't protesting quite so vigorously this time," Fay said. "Or indeed at all."

I turned away and folded my arms. "I just don't know why you'd say that."

"Because, my darling, you as much as admitted that you'd been messing around either last night or this morning. And if you were home that whole time, and your mom was home too, then I struggle to imagine what boy you could possibly have been with who was so dreadful that you couldn't even tell me." Fay snorted gently. "Let's be real, there's no boy you'd hide from me that you'd let your mother find out about."

I hugged myself tightly as though it might protect me. There was a slight tremble to my lip. When I spoke, it was barely loud enough for Fay to hear.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"What kind of best friend do you think I am?"

"The good kind?" I asked hopefully.

"Damn straight." Fay's footsteps padded nearer. I felt her approach me from behind, then her arms were around my waist. Her grip was much looser and gentler than my own. "I would never tell."

My arms relaxed on their own, perhaps because I'd been holding them so tight. The rest of my body had to be systematically coaxed out of its more subtle tension.

"And you don't think it's gross? Or fucked up?"

Fay released me and sat delicately on the edge of her bed. She crossed her legs and clasped her hands over her upper knee. "I wasn't sure what to think, at first. Of course, I didn't truly believe it at first either. It was just a silly guessing game. Who oh who could Relly the Chaste have fallen for? Who could she be hiding?"

"And you actually decided it must be either Dad or Den?"

Fay shrugged. "It made more and more sense. If you'd denied with sufficient conviction just now, I'd still be guessing."

I let my arms fall to my sides. I tried to take calm, relaxing breaths. Fay patted the bed next to her, and after a moment I sat down. I still felt like I had to justify myself somehow. As if there was some explanation that made it alright.

"It was just an accident, you know. Neither of us meant to... to...."

"Yes, what did you get up to?"

I flushed. "I am not giving you details."

"Maybe not now. I'll wear you down, though."

Fay's lips held the faintest pixie smirk. I kept waiting for words of judgement, or a sneer of disgust. They weren't her style even at the worst of times, but it was hard to accept her outwardly easy acceptance.

"You're acting like Den's just some boy I met," I said.

"Well, he kind of is. From the right point of view."

"He's my brother."

"Yes."

"It's... that's...."

"Incest, I believe. Although I'm not sure how I feel about the word. It's so... harsh."

I cringed at the word, but Fay's continued gentle tones and lack of overt emotion were helping. This was not at all what I feared would happen if and when someone found out what Denver and I were doing.

"It is harsh," I agreed softly. "But maybe it needs to be for something like this. It's pretty bad."

"Are you happy with what's happened?" Fay asked.

I nodded. "Yes. At least, I think so."

"You think so? Relly, I've known you a pretty long time now, and you've got this new little smile lately that I've never seen before. Don't tell me you just 'think so.'"

"Yeah, ok. I'm happy with it."

"Then it's not all bad, is it?"

I looked intently at Fay. "You really don't care?"

"I care." Fay pushed her hair back behind her ear. "I care that you're happy. I care that you're finally exploring the romantic side of your life."

"It's not romantic, exactly."

"Sexual, then. Whatever." Fay shrugged. "But no, I don't care that he's your brother. If anything, I think maybe I'm happy it's someone who won't take advantage of you. You're still too much an innocent for your own good."

"Hey!"

"Well you are."

"What are you, my mother?"

"Certainly feels like it sometimes."

I tried to glare at Fay, but she just cracked up. It was hard to maintain an annoyed facade when she was giggling unreservedly.

We just talked for a while after that. I continued to loosen up as time passed and still nothing bad happened. Fay continued to gently pry for details which I mostly refused to share. It was nice to be able to release some of my pent up stories and questions. It was perhaps even nicer not to have to carry my big secret alone anymore.

****

"Shouldn't you be getting ready soon?" I asked later on that afternoon. "Like, for real this time?"

Fay hadn't so much as touched her hair, makeup, or clothes since I admitted the truth about Denver and me. I didn't really want her to go, but I knew that was pure selfishness.

"Enh. I can cancel," Fay said. "Push it back to next week, maybe."

"You shouldn't do that just 'cause of me."

"Sure I should." Her eyes gleamed. "If I cancel my date, you'll feel guilty and you'll have to share all the lascivious details you've been holding back."

"That's your master plan? You better work on it some more."

"Come on. We'll have a sleepover, we'll stay up late, maybe get a bit tipsy like bad little girls, and you'll tell me all the things you and Den get up to."

"Dear lord, Fay. Do you really want to hear about me and... you know... that badly?"

"Your brother, you mean?" Fay shrugged. "It gives the tale a certain... unique quality, I suppose. A certain naughty thrill, perhaps. But I assure you, it's mostly about you."

"Oh, good. Here I was worried you'd gone all deviant on me."

"Nope. Just the regular amount of deviance that I've always had."

Fay giggled some more when I rolled my eyes at her. Still, I gave her suggestion some actual thought. In some ways, I very much wanted to spend the night with her. More time talking, discussing, and feeling supported in my illicit bedroom activities sounded good to me. On the other hand, it meant no chance of sneaking some time in with Denver.

It hadn't occurred to me at first just how much I was looking forward to nighttime. Our parents in bed, and Denver and me free to do whatever we felt like. I truly was a soul lost in my own special brand of forbidden lust.

"Go on your date," I said firmly.

"But--"

"Seriously. Don't cancel it on my account."

Fay pouted childishly. "Don't wanna."

I patted her head in a deliberately patronizing manner. Fay, of course, took no offence at the gesture. I'm not sure it would have occurred to her that it was even an option.

"Let's get you ready," I insisted. "And in the meantime... I might actually have a dirty detail to share."

Fay perked up immediately. "Do tell."

"Promise you're going on your date?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure."

I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. "Actually, I kind of, like, need advice too."

"I'm already hooked, Relly. Just tell me, dammit."

I nodded. "Ok, so, like... have you ever done... you know...."

"I'm going to slap you if you keep me in suspense like this."

"It's hard for me, ok? Can't you, like, do your hair or something? Pretend to be busy? Just... don't stare at me like that."

Fay tore her intense gaze away from me. She went to stand in front of her mirror, then fussed with her hair enough to almost be convincing. "Like that?"

"Sure. Fine." I took another breath. "Have you ever done... butt stuff?"

"Eeeh!" Fay's hands shot to her mouth, and her expression was one of scandalized delight. "You're kidding me, right?"

"It was just a question."

"No it wasn't. You actually let Den--"

"Yes, ok."

"But in your--"

"I said yes! And... only a finger. And he licked it a bunch."

Fay squealed again. She bounced back onto her bed beside me despite my best efforts at keeping a physical distance between us. "Did it hurt? Was it super, super gross?"

"What? I'm asking you for advice, remember?"

She shrugged. "I've never let a boy back there. Never liked one well enough for that. It's so... icky, you know? It'd have to be for a special occasion or something."

I slumped a little. "Great. Some help you and all your experience are."

"I think you overestimate how much experience I have. Just how big a slut do you think I am?"

I gave Fay an appraising look. "Moderately slutty?"

Fay gasped and her expression turned something like indignant. "How dare you. I'm only slightly slutty. Mildly slutty at the outside."

"Fine, fine. I just... I honestly don't if it was right to let Den do what he did. Or if I should let him do more. Or... whatever."

"Well, one thing I can say for sure is you kinda fucked up letting him do weird butt things to you already. That's setting the bar pretty high."

I rolled my eyes. "How about we bear in mind that I'm not actually in a relationship with my brother. We're just messing around."

"Boundaries are still a thing, Relly. Doesn't matter what your status is. If you let him do whatever he wants, that's exactly what he's going to do."

The thrill that ran through me at those words was more than a little embarrassing. The idea of my brother doing whatever he wanted to me was fucked up, but perhaps also the most exciting thing in my life. I didn't want to let Fay know just how much I liked the sound of that, even just in theory.

"He's still Den," I said. "He's not going to do anything too crazy."

"You sure about that? Boys are boys. They want what they want, brother or not."

Again Fay's words did funny things to me. I squirmed a little, but I was pretty sure it wasn't noticeable.

"So you're saying I should back off a bit?" I said. "Restrict his playground, as it were?"

"Well duh. Why go through all that anal nonsense when you don't have to?"

I bit my lip for a second. "It, uh, might not actually have been that bad."

Fay cocked her head. "Explain?"

I shrugged and looked away. "I'm just saying. It didn't hurt, and it wasn't as icky as I thought it would be. I mean, I'd just showered, so maybe that was part of it." I picked at the hem of my shirt. "It was mostly just weird. Kinda nice, maybe, but definitely not as good as... you know... the normal stuff."

Fay was rapt. "Really? Crazy. You actually liked it, huh?"

"Just a bit," I said defensively. "It's not like it was anything great. But, I dunno, Den liked it. And I kinda like that he liked it. I guess."

"Awww, you're really falling for him, huh?"

It was my turn to act more shocked than I really was. "Hey, no. That's totally not it. It's still Den we're talking about."

"Yes, I know. The brother you seem to do anything for, and who you say you like making happy." Fay shrugged. "I'm just saying, maybe your feelings run deeper than you want to admit."

"I am not in love with my brother," I stated firmly.

"Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Just be careful. Don't get yourself hurt over this, alright?"

I thought about protesting again, but opted not to. I didn't think Fay was really, truly suggesting that I was in love with Denver. Maybe she just thought it was a risk, and that I needed to be aware of the possibility. He was still my brother, though, and that's what he'd always be first and foremost. Girls didn't fall in love with their brothers, right? Then again, how many of them did the things I'd done with mine already. Perhaps comparing myself to the average girl didn't make much sense anymore.

"I'll be careful," I promised.

****

I ate supper with my parents that evening. No Denver. I tried asking where he was, but neither Mom or Dad had any idea, nor did they seem to care that he was missing. Me they worry about; Denver they simply assume is hanging out with friends or something. Fucking double standards.

I migrated to the living room once the parents had absconded. Nothing new there. It wasn't about the couch, though, or even my zombie mom show. I was waiting for my brother. It made me feel more than a little pathetic to admit to myself, but I really just missed Denver. It had only been a matter of hours, not even a full day, and still I kept watch and waited for him to come home.

Fay's words taunted me. The idea that I felt anything more for my brother than regular sibling affection mixed with a confused sexual mess should have been laughable. We were just messing around, that was all. Just experimenting and playing.

It annoyed me that I couldn't help glancing toward the front door every few minutes, just in case.

I didn't love him; not in a romantic sense. That much I maintained, in spite of whatever nonsense was going on with me. Maybe I felt something more than I meant to, and if I did it was certainly inappropriate, but it wasn't love. A longing, perhaps, or a desire to spend intimate time with. Those I could handle.

The hour grew progressively later, as time is wont to do. I grew restless, and took to making occasional trips to the window, where I'd peer out for any sign of Denver. It was pretty desperate. I swore at Fay for driving me to this level of insanity, though I knew it wasn't her fault. At most, she'd caused me to realize that I was going through something a bit more than I thought I was. I'd have had to deal with it sooner or later anyway.

Eventually I gave in and slipped downstairs to Denver's room. It was dark and empty, as expected, and flicking the light on only solved half the problem. I just stood in the doorway for a moment or two, as though somehow it would either summon my brother or sate my desire for his presence. Naturally, neither occurred.

Instead of leaving, as I really should have done given that I was intruding on Denver's personal space, I clambered onto his bed. I curled up right in the middle with my head resting on my arm. His scent was only just barely perceptible, but it was definitely there. I wasn't sure whether or not that helped any.

I contemplated going to sleep. I could have buried myself under Denver's covers and gone to dream land, then presumably be awakened when he got back. If I was feeling extra naughty, I could take all my clothes off first. There was most certainly a thrill to the idea of being totally helpless and exposed when I was discovered violating my brother's sanctum.

It wasn't an easy idea to commit to. My mind conjured scenarios in which it went disastrously wrong. What if Denver didn't come home that night, and in the morning Mom came in looking for him and found me instead? What if he was tired and not in the mood for playing with his little sister? God forbid, what if he'd been out with a girl and brought her home with him?