Pulling On The Wool

The wheels were turning, the wagons were circling. Like always, Mom was going to protect herself, and her own.

"I don't know what I want to do, Mom." I told her.

"If that little bitch could lie to you about something like this, she will lie to you about anything!" Mom said. She sounded so angry, that was not like her at all.

My head was spinning, everything was confusing.

Later, I called the hospital.

"Are you and the baby doing OK?" I asked when Sarah picked up the phone.

"Yes, Honey. We are fine. Where did you go? Why aren't you here?" Sarah asked. Her voice sounded frightened, timid.

"I know, Sarah. How could I not know, for God's sake? You lied to me, I am going to file for a divorce."

"Oh, Danny, no." I heard her say, then she sounded like she was crying.

I hung up the phone.

I spent that night in the bedroom I had used since as early as I could remember.

That was somehow comforting, to be home with my family.

The next morning Mom made breakfast, Dad was already gone to store. Normally Mom would have gone with him but today was different.

"I have a meeting set up for you this morning with Stan Carpenter." She told me. I knew him, he had been the family attorney for years.

"Mom, I am not sure I want to do that, I think I need to talk to Sarah and...."

Mom just looked at me, that look was a lot like the time she figured out it really was me and three other kids that broke some windows with rocks down at the church.

Mom was right, I thought. She always was.

Momma's boy? The silver spoon, everything taken care of, everything handled?

Yes, that was me.

+++

I didn't go to the hospital to pick up Sarah, and it was much later before I even saw her. There were no phone calls, nothing.

She had been by the condo, I found that out when I went home over a week later. Nothing was missing except for her clothes and some personal items.

In the bedroom, I stood there in silence for a very long time. Then I walked over to our bed, picked up Sarah's pillow, held it to my nose.

The next thing I remember is sitting on the carpet, crying like a baby.

I had met with the lawyer, it was like everything was set in stone, all taken care of. I signed the papers, giving her half of the small amount I had in the bank.

I had given Sarah a company credit card months before, things were progressing so fast I had to contact the company to find out what those charges were.

She had spent just $900.00 so far, at a few stores and a rental car. I didn't bother to cancel the card, I didn't want her living on the street.

Other than my Corvette, and personal items in the condo, I really didn't have that much except for my job. The job though paid a lot, especially with the bonuses.

Stan had told me that very likely Sarah would insist on separate maintenance, and probably I might end up paying child support anyway, even though the baby was not mine. He explained that courts often only cared about what was best for the child, so I was braced for that.

Sarah just signed and that was it. That actually confused me, if she was a gold digger, why didn't she at least demand something? I remember looking over at her, she looked back at me with sadness in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She mouthed silently to me.

I forced myself to not jump up and run over there to hug her.

No fault. Automatic. She didn't even suggest child support, payments, or anything. I wasn't even there for the court date, the lawyer sent in one of his people and got it rubber stamped.

The issue of the baby did come up before the court of course. Sarah told them the child was not mine and that was the end of that.

There should have been a fight, crying, something?

There was nothing. Nothing at all.

I did do one thing on my own. I knew that Sarah had no job, no income, and a baby. I set up an automatic payment schedule, that put $1000 each and every month in her bank account.

I never mentioned that to my Mom, either.

Just like that, my marriage was over. Funny though, I was miserable. I went to work, ran the store, went home.

Depression is an odd ailment, a person can function in day to day life yet almost without caring?

A few months later I did go out on a date, with a bubbly little brunette named Sharlei. We ended up back at my condo and it was clear that Sharlei was completely willing.

That was not the best time of my life by far, Sharlei did everything she could think of, finally managing to get a weak erection out of me.

We even completed the act, if one could call it that, but only barely. My mind felt blank, I just could not get into it.

"See ya!" Sharlei told me the next morning as she was leaving.

"Give me a call, let's hook up again sometime." She smiled brightly at my door.

I never called, neither did she.

That was my one and only date during that period.

+++

It was at least a full year later, I was on the phone with a customer when Sarah walked in. She looked slightly nervous.

Sarah, and she was also beautiful! My heart skipped a beat, I finished the conversation quickly and walked over to her.

"Hello, Danny." Sarah said with that familiar smile.

"Hi. What's up?" Was my clever conversational answer.

She told me she just wanted to see me, see how I was doing. She was on her way to a large clothing store a few blocks down the street to apply for a job.

"They have a day care right in the store, so I could work there." She told me.

I nodded.

"I wanted to say thank you for..helping us, you didn't have to do that." She smiled, then she put her hand on the back of mine.

I couldn't even answer.

"Well, nice to see you." She turned and headed for the door.

As the door swung shut behind her, I took off after her.

Sarah was just getting into a small white pickup as I came out. I knew the man driving, I had seen him just one time.

It was Dale. Sarah looked up at me, Dale turned his head and looked at me also. I went back inside, went to my office and shut the door.

+++

Two days later, I looked up to see Dale again.

"I need to talk to you." He said without fanfare.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"Can we maybe go into your office, somewhere private?" He asked.

"Sure." We went inside, I shut the door and sat down behind my desk.

"Sarah and I aren't going out." He said.

"I don't think that matters."

"I just wanted you to know, when she told me about Dana...?"

"What about Dana?"

"That she..was mine and all.."

"What do you want, Dale?" I asked him.

"I can't have Sarah, not that way. We were young and it was just a fling, shit happens. But when she told me, I had to step up so I have been helping her. So have you been, and I want to know why?"

"It's not the child's fault." I answered lamely.

The truth is I really wasn't sure why I had been sending money to Sarah.

"Dana is beautiful, you should go see her."

"Why?"

"Sarah is in love with you, you know." He added.

"It sure didn't look that way!" I said, bitterly.

"Hey, guy. Sarah was 19 years old and pregnant, I was just an ass and I didn't even have a fucking job! Yea, she saw you as an opportunity, there ain't any doubt about that."

"That part I have figured out." I said.

"Yea, well. Then she fell in love with you. That part I am sure of, we have talked quite a bit. She feels terrible."

"So what am I supposed to do about that?"

"You should go see her, maybe have a long talk. I saw you when you came out of your store, you are still in love with her too."

"I just figured you and Sarah were back together."

"Well, we ain't. No such luck for me. I tried and all I got out of her was "I can't." Dale leaned forward.

"The worst that can happen is..nothing happens." He said.

Dale pushed a piece of paper across my desk, then he got up and left.

It was just a phone number.

I sat there thinking, then one of my crew came in with a problem, so I went back to work.

+++

"Hello?" I heard Sarah's voice, she picked up on the second ring.

"This is Dan." I said. There was a long silence.

"I was thinking maybe you and I? Sit down and talk? I could come and pick you up, maybe dinner?"

"I would need to find a baby sitter." She told me.

"Bring Dana, OK?"

"OK."

I guess I expected Sarah to be all fixed up when I arrived, she was dressed in a simple skirt and blouse, no makeup at all.

Dana sat on the floor, she looked up at me with huge eyes and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

"Where is your car?" She asked when she saw the white van I was driving.

"No place to put a car seat." I told her.

For the first half hour or so, the best I can say is the conversation was tense. She told me about getting the job at the clothing store in between doing her best to keep little Dana from throwing food all over the restaurant I took them to.

Then we were talking about some of the things that we had done together, and I never did get to any of the things I wanted to ask about.

Back at her house, she invited me in again, so I went. It was a simple apartment, clean and neat as a pin like Sarah had always kept everything in our brief time together.

She took Dana in and put her to bed, she was already asleep.

Sarah came back into the living room and sat down.

"OK." She said.

"OK, what?" I asked.

"You want to know everything, I know you do."

"Yes. Mostly why did you make me think you were pregnant by me, when you knew very well Dana wasn't mine?"

"I did that. It was deliberate. I knew you had money and...things. Things I could never give a child on my own. That day..in the store, when I asked you to the party? It was on the spur of the moment, since I didn't know what to do. Then at the party, you were so nice, I decided...I know that was wrong, and I really am sorry."

"And you kept right on, right up until we got married?"

"Yes, I did. I don't know what I was thinking, not really. I was afraid, because I was sure when the baby came that you would know."

"No kidding." I said.

Sarah looked down.

"So, did you ever care about me at all, even a little bit?" I asked her.

"Yes. I fell so completely in love with you by the time were got married that it was all I could think of. I kept wanting to tell you, but..."

"You should have."

"Yes, I know. I ruined everything."

I sighed and got up.

"I guess that is what I needed to know." I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, went out to the van and drove home.

It was just after one in the morning when I got to my condo, I made a cup of Tea, sat down.

Without thinking, I reached for the phone, dialed her number.

It was busy.

I tried again a few minutes later, still busy.

I reached for the phone the third time when it rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Danny. I have been trying to call you but I keep getting a busy signal." Sarah said.

"Me, too."

We both started laughing.

"Will you..Please? Come back over here?" She asked.

I took the Corvette. If a cop had spotted me, I would have gone to jail.

+++

Happy? Yes, I guess I have to say that things seemed to be all right. Sarah met me at the door and was in my arms just that fast.

It was fairly easy for me to think of forgiving and forgetting at that point.

Dana was a beautiful child and full of energy, she was walking now and seldom fell, and she was also saying a few words.

Named after me, but not mine. I guess the truth is that I also very quickly loved that little girl, but every time I looked at her, memories would slip into my thoughts.

I was spending more time at Sarah's apartment than I was at home. It all got a little bit domestic there for several happy months.

One evening we were sitting there playing with Dana, Sarah looked over at me with an odd expression. She appeared to be tense.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm pregnant." She told me. I reached for her, she relaxed at that.

"Yours this time for sure!" She said.

"I know."

"Danny, I let this happen deliberately."

"Yes, I know that, too."

+++

It was a few days later when I drove by my folk's house to tell them about Sarah and I, and that I planned to be with her again.

I had a feeling I knew what was coming, so I went by myself.

"Are you out of your mind, Danny? That woman took advantage of you, there is no way in hell that I will stand for..." She stopped when I held up my hand.

"Mom. Shut the fuck up!" I told her. She stared at me in shock, her mouth worked a few times but she said nothing more.

Dad nearly lost his mouthful of coffee at that, I glanced over at him and he was grinning at me.

Mom changed instantly, she smiled and came over and hugged me.

"We just want you happy, son." She said.

Yea, that is my Mom. I love her, it's just the way she is, always in control.

She thinks so anyway.

"I am in love with Sarah, and it won't be too long before you will be a grandmother." I told her.

My Mother did not appear to be completely happy with that but I could see she accepted it. So that much was settled, anyway.

+++

That evening Sarah and I went out to a nice dinner, then back to my condo. I paid the sitter, then we sat down to talk.

"I love being with you, I want us to be married again." I told Sarah.

What I didn't expect was the pained expression on her face.

"Danny, I love being with you, too, but..."

"But what?"

"I have my daughter, but I think what happened will always be between us." She wasn't meeting my eyes.

"But..what about..you are pregnant?"

"Yes. I...I wanted to give you that..."

I felt a sudden flash of anger.

"What is it then? Child support, maybe? I don't get it, you sleep with me, you say you love me?"

"I do love you. And you know better than that. I have a job and we will be fine. But no, I won't marry you." I saw her eyes were damp when she looked up at me.

I have to say I didn't get that at all.

+++

Time changes a lot of things, my Dad passed and it was a complete surprise. He was only 59. Mom changed after that, her heart was no longer into the business, so she turned everything over to me.

I see her several times each year, otherwise she is always on a cruise somewhere or visiting some foreign Nation.

She also sold their house and now she lives wherever she happens to be at the moment.

Just once I had a little problem with a supplier, one email to Mom and a few days later everything was fixed.

Yes, that's my Mom. It took me a very long time to finally understand how she managed to accomplish some things. Remembering that one time when things were very testy between them, I know my Father knew, too.

I understand enough about women to know how they are about things, security, especially with a child involved. The best available mate it seems matters, and a good wife will love their mate completely.

But not at the expense of their child. With Mom, it was me.

With Sarah, it was Dana.

A good mother will sacrifice almost anything, even their own life for their child. What was it that made my Mother so successful on all those trips?

I don't even want to know.

As things turned out, Sarah was right. I look out across the main store showroom and watch as my soon to be 10 year old son Thomas uses a broom to sweep up non existent dirt. Then he walks up and down the display cases, putting things back where they belong.

I have him half the time, and Sarah has him the other half. Blond hair, he is the spitting image of the boy I was at his age.

Sometimes I get both of the kids, Dana at 12 is a handful. She takes after her father, so she is on the big side. But most of the time she is with her own father, Dale.

I have to say that I love Dana, but it isn't the same as the way I feel about my own child. The way Dana looks, the way she is, is a constant reminder.

Yes, Sarah was right. That would always be between us, and sometimes there just is no way to fix the mistakes of the past.

Sarah and I even go out sometimes, a lot in fact, I know some would think that is odd. We laugh and talk, and often end up in bed together.

That part is fun and fills a need for both of us.

But Sarah lives in her house with her two children and I live in my condo.

I even see Dale a lot now, and gave him a job working in one of my stores. He turned out to be an all right guy and a good employee. I have been thinking of opening a new store, and I bet Dale can manage to run that.

I asked Sarah once when we were down at that local beach we like to go to if she and Dale ever got together again, she just shook her head no.

I was busy rubbing sun tan lotion on her bare breasts and took advantage of a happy moment to ask.

"Anybody else at all?" I asked. None of my business but I wanted to know.

"No. What about you?" She asked me right back.

"No." I answered that truthfully.

"You could, you know. If you wanted to." She said.

"So could you."

"I know." She smiled over at me.

I leaned down and gave Sarah a kiss.

"I like things just the way they are, Danny." She told me.

I didn't answer, just nodded.

I am in love with Sarah, I know that. I also know she loves me. We live apart, yet we are still a couple?

Tied together for life by children.

I did ask her another time to be my wife, she shook her head no once again.

"Ask me again when the kids are grown." She smiled, then she kissed me.

Will I? I have to say I do not know.

Strange. Our relationship is strange. But for now, it's enough.

Sometimes things are just the way they are.