Revelations and Revolutions

What I had done that caused her to lose so much respect for me that she continually ridiculed, humiliated, and tortured me. I now questioned whether she had ever loved me at all. I hoped to get some answers later that day. I collapsed on the bed and sobbed uncontrollably until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with an enormous weight bearing down upon me. I knew whatever ember of love that might have glowed deep within me was now extinguished by the flood of tears.

I still recognized Carrie as the mother of my child and that she would always be an important part of Erin's life and I vowed to never attempt to sabotage their relationship out of spite but for Carrie, I felt nothing. No hatred, no love, just ambivalence as one would for a passing stranger, for that was all she was to me after over 27 years, just a stranger. I loathed what she did to me but I realized that I'd never would disrespect or humiliate her the way she had done to me. In my heart I knew that I no longer respected her, because her actions and behavior simply didn't warrant it. I gathered myself together and set out to the house that was no longer my home nor had it been for quite a few months despite making the monthly mortgage payment.

I noticed that Carrie's car wasn't in the garage when I arrived at five so I backed out and parked on the street several houses away and walked back. I didn't want to be blocked in by her when it was time to leave and I didn't want her to know I was at the house. I looked at my phone for the time and realized she had been gone for eight hours now. I knew in my heart where she had been all this time. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down in my favorite chair, took a generous pull of the frosty cold liquid from the icy can and waited. The sun faded in the western sky and yielded to the dusk as night fell.

The darkness slowly enveloped me and I became virtually invisible in the inky blackness as I sat and waited to toll the death knell of my marriage. With the ghastly murkiness as my mourning clothes, I kept a silent vigil and held a wake while I bided time till she ultimately arrived. Another hour had passed by ever so slowly. The shadows helped me maintain my composure and it afforded me the element of surprise for when she eventually decided to grace me with her presence. I had just started on my fourth beer when I saw the lights from her car as she drove up the drive, opened the overhead door and pulled into the garage. I chugged my beer and sat, like a lion, tensed and prepared to pounce and devour its prey. Cloaked by the shadows of the night, I lie in wait.

She entered via the kitchen and turned the light on. She called out for me but I didn't answer. I remained still and silent with the empty can in my hand. My shield was effective as I was nearly concealed in the shadows and as it turned out, completely invisible to her. I thought nothing new here. She walked right past me and went to the foot of the stairs. She was about ready to shout my name up the stairwell when I casually tossed my empty can, not at her, but in her direction and watched as it hit the railing and careened to the floor.

The noise of the metal can's clang as it bounced off the wooden railing and then as it skidded across the hard wooden floor had shattered the deafening silence and startled her. She spun around as she screamed, frightened in the darkness, and unnerved by the returning silence. I watched as she flailed around in search of the light switch. She fumbled around desperately before she finally managed to flip the switch on and flood the living room with light. I was temporarily blinded as my eyes adjusted from the pitch black to the brightness. I was finally able to focus my vision just as she finally noticed me sitting in the chair.

"John what in heavens name..." she paused as she saw the empty can on the floor where it skidded to a halt after it careened off the railing. "Did you throw a beer can at me? Are you drunk, you bastard!"

I watched her face as it reddened with rage before I deigned a response. "Carrie, to answer your questions, no and hell no!" I threw the can near you at the railing and no I'm not drunk. I've had several hours sitting here as I waited for you, my loving and faithful wife, and spaced my drinks accordingly as I fully intended to remain stone cold sober for our little encounter. Though I'm surprised that you have managed to pull yourself away from your other endeavors to return and grant me an audience this evening. What I'm not surprised by is the fact that you came home full of your virulent, acerbic attitude toward me yet again. Now I have some questions for you!"

I took a deep breath as she tried to stare me into submission but I was long past being the muddy doormat beneath her feet any longer. "You've been gone for eight hours just where in hell have you been?"

She stammered, "It's none of your business!"

"Oh, but you are so wrong Carrie! You take off for places unknown, you refused to answer your phone and you never bothered to let me know where you were or how long you planned to be gone. So, I'm not asking I'm demanding to know where you were all day long! I know it wasn't grocery shopping so tell me dear wife, where were you?"

"I went to visit Erin and spent the day with her, if you have to know!"

"Carrie, that's a bald-faced lie. I spent time with Erin and you weren't with her."

"Well Mr. Smarty Pants, I didn't come when you met with her because I was and am still furious with you!"

"Ah, Carrie, a mixture of lies and truth. Yes, you're truly angry with me and have been for several miserable months now. But you continue to lie about your whereabouts. Erin attended a concert with her friends three hours from here and planned to spend the night. She told me she hasn't spoken with you in days!"

I watched as she squirmed before she lied yet again. "I went to the concert but didn't want to spend the night. Now I wish I would have!"

"Quickly, what bands played?"

"Uh, Red Dawn and I can't remember who opened for them."

I looked at her with disdain as I replied, "No Carrie, it was Delta Blues and the Manny Mann Ragtime Band. Her best friend Georgia is a big-time jazz aficionado. In fact, the concert started an hour ago and it's still going on. You, I suspect, were making your own music. Perhaps opening with a solo on the skin flute followed by a banging drum duet. Stop with the lies Carrie! You've cheated on me tonight yet again and have been cheating on me for a long time so show me a last bit of courtesy and tell me, who, and most importantly, why Carrie? Why have you abused me incessantly? Why have I been minimalized, marginalized, ridiculed, disrespected, humiliated, lied to and betrayed by the woman that meant more to me than life itself? Tell me, what I did to make you hate me so much?" My emotions overwhelmed me and I felt my eyes as burned and reddened as tears rolled down my cheeks.

She then said, "John, I've never cheated on you or have I done any of the hideous things you have accused me of. You supposed to have faith in me and our marriage!"

I sat there momentarily stunned by the sheer audacity of this woman. Finally, I gathered myself enough to respond. "Carrie, I had faith! Faith in the Lord and faith in your vows of fidelity to me, made in our church, under God, and in front of our family and friends at our wedding. I had faith that you would treat me with respect and dignity. I had faith that you had pledged your life to mine in marriage and faith in our love that you wouldn't betray my love nor my trust and wouldn't hurt me. I had faith that you wouldn't hurt the daughter we bore and raised under this roof."

I paused to gather myself and continued, "My God Carrie, Erin saw you! Two weeks ago, with a man with whom you were holding hands and had a romantic lunch. The passionate kisses, the trip up the elevator only to return three hours later freshly showered, clothes changed and carrying an overnight bag in your hand! Given the events that have so recently come to light, quite by accident I might add, is it any wonder my faith has been shaken as you systematically imploded my life and caused a great deal of pain and turmoil in Erin's life as well." I looked for signs of remorse, empathy, guilt, anything, yet there was nothing except anger and an icy glare.

"Soon, the pain of your betrayal will seep into the lives of our family and friends, nothing more than collateral damage just so you can sate your insidious lust or is it love for this mystery man? You haven't the right to be that sanctimonious, deceptive, and so self-righteous! How dare you!!"

Then suddenly it appeared for the first time this evening, I finally saw a glimpse of guilt and shame come to the surface on Carrie's face. I continued. "She was there meeting with a client and accidently spotted your lecherous liaison with your paramour. She became emotional and it slipped out as she believed I knew why you had been treating me so badly. Erin didn't reveal his name but I sensed she knew him, though I never even asked because I didn't want her in the middle of our issues! So, for God's sake Carrie, just answer my questions!" The icy stare I knew all too well returned with a vengeance.

"Oh, by the way, I've packed up and moved out while you spent the day otherwise engaged with your lover. Yet, I did that before I knew you broke our vows and before you completely and irrevocably shattered my heart. No, I packed up because you killed my spirit and my willingness to put up with your constant diatribe and verbal shitstorm anymore!"

I guess she was overwhelmed or had no biting comeback because she ran up the stairs, slammed the bedroom door and I'm sure she locked it behind her. I guess it was too damned hard for her to face the truth. I knew now that no real answers are forthcoming and I may never know the truth as to why. However, I'd move heaven and earth to find the name of the man who deliberately and coldly ruined my marriage.

I went to the kitchen and removed my wedding band and placed it on the table next to her coffee mug. Before I left, I grabbed the remaining beer from the fridge. I threw some ice in my cooler and put the beer in the ice and I left her house and my old life behind. Back in the hotel room I drank the remaining eight beers from the twelve pack as I tried to dull the pain and feel numb. I failed miserably.

Finally, I laid down and soon the room spun and I ran to "pray to the porcelain god" as I delivered my offering and purged myself of the sour mixture formerly held within my stomach. I took a long hot shower, toweled off and went to bed where I slept fitfully before being awakened by the early light of dawn as it seeped beneath the curtains and into my eyes. Having been woke by the silent alarm clock of the rising sun I slowly rose from the bed, my back sore from the uncomfortable mattress reminiscent of a mid-grade motel.

I strolled to the bathroom to begin my ablutions. After another long and thankfully hot shower, some ibuprofen with water and a hot breakfast with lots of coffee were desperately needed as I greeted a new day. It was my first day of independence and freedom to pursue some happiness. A breakfast of sorts was served in the lobby from 6-9 am but it was free thus saving the cost of a meal elsewhere. I dressed and headed down to the lobby and broke my fast with the myriad of weary travelers facing yet another day winding their way toward their final destination. We were joined by an assortment of truck jockeys whose living is measured by the miles they make on the road. The eclectic group was rounded out by a variety of salesman out hustling a living and I the vagabond, suddenly made homeless by a failed marriage. I thought of a line from an old Charlie Pride song, "Sleepin' under a table in a roadside park, a man could wake up dead. But it sure seems warmer than it did sleepin' in our king-sized bed." At least I'm safe and sound here in the motel and a hellva lot warmer than home had been.

While I ate, I checked my messages and discovered Carrie called forty times until my mailbox was completely full and had texted almost as many times. She said it was a mistake. She pleaded with me to forgive her and come back home, that she needed to explain. I thought, How could it be just a simple mistake? For six months running she has used me as her doormat and punching bag. Not a single solitary civil word little alone any affection, intimacy, or kindness.

I received no love, no respect and, as I learned yesterday, no honor or commitment. I wonder why she wanted to remain married. Most likely old lover boy had refused to leave his wife and family for her so she still needed a meal ticket while they took the best from both worlds and in the process left me holding the bag. Well, I made a pledge that the gravy train has pulled into the station for the last time. I no longer needed to know why and I no longer needed a marriage that was no longer sacrosanct nor a wife that was callously coldhearted, ruthless, and sadistic. I knew in my heart I deserved more than that from a wife. I still, however, needed a name. The name of the man who was the catalyst that made my life and marriage a living hell for the past six months.

I was beyond caring about explanations and while forgiveness was on the table at some future date, reconciliation was not. I texted her back and said, "Carrie, last night was the time for explanations but you stormed off and shut me out again. This, however, would be the last time you shut me out. Now, the need for as to why you did what you did is no longer necessary for me. I don't plan on giving you the satisfaction of unburdening your soul. I'll never set foot in that house ever again. Stop bothering me." I put a bunch of angry faced emojis at the end. Though it seems childish and petty now, at the time it gave me a great amount of pleasure.

I made plans to have her followed as I still wanted the name of the man who wrecked my marriage and in concert with Carrie, destroyed my life. I also needed to find the meanest, nastiest blood thirsty shark of a divorce lawyer I could find and hire them as I planned to give Carrie and her, as for now, unnamed lothario, a taste of their own medicine.

Carrie continued her barrage of calls. So much so that I finally went to my carrier and opened another account and got a new phone number. I gave it to my employer, clients, a few trustworthy friends, and my daughter. I kept my old number in case I missed a client and deleted the messages from Carrie daily. Carrie called all my friends, our mutual friends, my parents, brother Don and sister Shari.

I told all of them we were having serious problems and I had moved out. They had all borne witness to Carrie's frigid coldness, constant ridicule, and blatant disrespect toward me at one time or another during the past few months. Carrie for her part, enlisted an army of family and friends that called solely to harass me and to intercede on her behalf. Their efforts were relentless. I even received a call from her mother Sharon.

"John, what's going on? My baby is in tears because you left her!"

"Sharon, you have witnessed the degrading and nasty way your daughter has treated me over the past six plus months on more than one occasion! I've had it! As for the other major reason, you need to ask your precious baby girl for that answer!" Before I hung up, I added, "Oh, by the by, if you cared so much for the wellbeing of our marriage why didn't you intervene much, much earlier? Perhaps you could've saved everyone involved a great deal of pain and suffering. Or was it that, if I was the only one suffering, it made it okay in your eyes?"

With that little dig, I disconnected. After I hung up, I had second thoughts and considered that perhaps I was a bit too harsh on Sharon, taking out my anger, hurt and frustration on her. After all, she was just protecting her daughter as I would Erin. Though we never really connected with each other, her parents were her family and I was always respectful and pleasant in their presence until now.

Truthfully, I knew in my heart they were blameless and most likely perplexed, confused and at a loss for a solution as much as I was. I decided to call Sharon back and apologize but before I could call her my phone buzzed yet again. This time it was Arthur, Carrie's father who rang. I answered it and he screamed into the receiver, "You bastard, now you've got both my daughter and my wife sobbing uncontrollably! I've got a good mind to come over there and pound some sense and respect into you!" He continued railing at me for several minutes before I told him goodbye and hung up. I shut the phone off once again. I screamed in frustration inside my empty room, "The hell with them all!" Like Neil Diamond sang, "No one heard at all, not even the chair."

That same day, I did a factory reset and turned it in to my carrier for credit toward my new phone and closed the account. I'd check my master list of clients and call them all to make sure they had my new number. Now if Carrie, who was on my old plan, wanted a phone, she'd have to get her own plan and pay for it. Until then, her phone was only useful as a paper weight. When all her efforts to find me came up dry, she started in on Erin. It took three weeks of non-stop haranguing before Erin called me on a Sunday as she had my new number. "Hi Dad, I wanted to talk to you about mother."

I asked, "Erin is your mother alright?"

"Yes, she's fine except for the fact that she is lost without you and she is so sorry for her actions. I believe she is being honest about things Dad. Couldn't you speak with her, perhaps forgive her, and try to reconcile your marriage and relationship?"

I was livid. Not with my daughter but with Carrie. I took a pregnant pause, calmed down before I answered my little girl. "Erin, I will not involve you in our marital problems nor should you place yourself in the middle of things. Your mother made choices and choices have consequences. I love you but I will not discuss your mother or our relationship with you or for that matter with anyone else, okay?"

I heard her sigh as she said, "Okay Daddy! I love you, goodnight!" I decided that I needed to end this whole charade by taking the beginning steps toward ending this farse of a marriage. Monday morning, I called off work for the next three days and researched several attorneys before I called and made an appointment with Ms. Virginia Stevens, Esq. a family law attorney with the venerable and well reputed firm Stanley, Morgan, and Myers. My appointment was set for the next afternoon. I hired a PI to investigate and provide surveillance on Carrie so I could obtain further proof of her infidelity and to obtain the identity of her paramour. I knew that our state was no-fault but I had hoped for some leverage in negotiating a favorable settlement in the divorce and some tangible evidence to use against her lover.

Ms. Stevens informed me of all the legalities our divorce would involve. I didn't want to leave Carrie penniless nor did I care to reward her for her cruelty and betrayal. Simply, I didn't want to, despite her level best efforts to make my life a living and unbearable hell, return the same in kind. First and foremost, she was the mother of my daughter and secondly, it just wasn't the way I was wired. If she truly didn't want a divorce than that would be pain and anguish enough. I asked her to have Carrie served at home this Friday at 9am. I knew Carrie isn't a particularly early riser and I was positive she'd be home. I had one more day before I needed to return to work so I made good use of my time.

First, I determined our total credit card debt and divided it by two. I went to our bank and removed half of our checking and savings and opened a new account and applied for new credit cards for myself. I had the branch manager electronically transfer half the funds from my new checking account and half from our joint account and I had him assist me in paying off and cancelling all the credit cards using those funds. Then I had him sign an affidavit attesting to the validity of the amounts that he removed from our joint account and that I had opened new accounts with the exact figures that I had removed under the guidelines Ms. Stevens had recommended.