Revelations and Revolutions

Revelations and Revolutions

I listened as Carrie did what had become the norm in our house for the past six months, she screamed at the top of her lungs at me. It wasn't about anything really, yet it seemed to be about everything in general these days. That is, everything that involved me or that she had suspicions that I was involved in whether I had anything to do with it or not. I took the blame for everything that went wrong in her life, our collective lives together, and believe me, her list of grievances was long. She was relentless in her efforts to find fault with my very existence. Today was just another Saturday at the Stevens house and as usual, there was no escaping her wrath. "John why is this damn washer not spinning out correctly! Why didn't you fix the damn thing like you promised?"

"Carrie Ann, I told you, the motor is ready to give out. I asked, no, I pleaded with you to do the laundry more often with smaller loads to lighten the stress on the motor until we got the washer replaced. I've ordered the new state of the art washer/dryer combo you wanted but with the supply chain issues it is going to be another three weeks before they can have a set delivered."

I went to the washer, opened the door, and found a full load of heavy towels inside, about an entire weeks' worth. I pulled about half out and threw them into an empty laundry basket. I closed the lid and restarted the cycle. I watched as the washer hummed to life and listened as the load began its final spin because the machine was not laboring under the excess weight.

"Carrie, there is an entire weeks' worth of towels in here! You don't work so what takes up so much of your time that you can't do a load or two a day?" She looked at me as if I slapped her. I watched as she scrunched up her face and prepared to launch another tirade for my benefit. I managed to squeeze by her and exited the laundry room as I now planned to spend the rest of my day outside working on the yard and out of the line of fire.

It was about thirty minutes later that I heard the garage door as it opened and I watched as her car pulled away and listened to the tires screech as they spun on the asphalt of our street. I knew she wanted the entire neighborhood to know her immense displeasure with me. That was it, the burning rubber was the final straw. The incessant nonstop screaming and bickering, every evening after work and all weekend long. As the tires yielded to the immense pressure of the torque, applied to the axle from power supplied by a briskly accelerated engine, the squealing signified the loss of traction; and as the rapid turning of the wheels where intense friction literally tore a layer of rubber from the front tires and left it upon the unforgiving pavement, I finally decided to make my stand.

The squealing tires proved to be a perfect metaphor for my life. She had stomped too hard on the accelerator just one too many times. She had peeled off just one too many layers of rubber. I, like her well-worn treads, was nothing more than burned rubber on the asphalt. I believed that she felt that I, like her tires, needed to be replaced sooner rather than later. As I headed inside the house that used to be my home, now nothing more than a cold and heartless shelter from the elements, I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I decided, then and there, I had had it.

The way she left me on this fateful Saturday reenforced how badly I had been treated during the past six months. I realized any effort being made was certainly a one-sided affair. This latest meltdown and vicious tirade forced me to face something I hadn't wanted to face. For the first time I acknowledged and confronted my own feelings. In doing so I came the realization that I was no longer in love with my wife.

I allowed myself to think and admit, I deserved to be treated better, much better than how I've been treated for a long time. Having such an epiphany made me realize that I needed out of here, immediately. It was as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off me. With newfound energy I ran to my study, got on my computer, and looked for affordable places to stay. Luckily, I found an old-fashioned boarding house on the other side of town that was close to work.

I called and spoke with a pleasant woman who gave me the rates and told me she had a vacancy coming up this Friday. I made an appointment to meet her and she got permission from the tenant to allow her to show me the room. Then I jumped in my truck and drove down to the local warehouse store and bought about two dozen moving boxes of assorted sizes. I took them home and called a storage facility near the location I had hoped would be my new temporary living quarters.

After I hung up with the storage facility, I began the ardent task of excavating my earthly goods from my former home. I say excavating because I had felt buried deep and forgotten within the walls of this house for quite some time. Today, I was a Renaissance man. I emerged from the dark ages of my marriage with an enlightened view of the future where truth, beauty, light and love existed. This was the first step toward that bright and exciting, if unknown future, and it was equally exciting and frightening at the same time.

I hooked up my enclosed utility trailer to my pickup and loaded my tools, golf clubs, my bureau sans the drawers which went back inside the bureau once I had wrestled the empty frame down the stairs and into the trailer. I packed boxes with my folded clothes, a few clean towels, my pillows, alarm clock, and a small reading lamp. I used a laundry basket for my toiletries that I removed from the master bath. Next went my books, my desk and file cabinet including the contents along with my desktop and lap top computers, my phone charging cords. I carefully loaded them inside the trailer and made sure everything was safely secured. I rigged up a bar for my hanging clothes and carried them all down. It took me three and a half hours to compact twenty-two years of my life into a that small space. The only thing I left behind was my gun safe but Carrie didn't have the combination. I'd need help to remove it and load it so it had to wait.

As I drove toward the storage unit, I realized I was famished. I looked at my watch and saw it was 12:50pm and I hadn't eaten since dinner last night. I didn't even get the chance for a cup of coffee after Carrie started her tantrum. I decided to just back the trailer into the storage unit for now and grab a bite before I headed out to my appointment at the boarding house. I stopped at a diner where I occasionally ate lunch and devoured a club sandwich with fries and a couple of Cokes. I phoned and reserved a kitchenette in an extended stay motel before I met with Mrs. Devine. I learned that she was widowed after fifty some years and had a five-bedroom home where she and her husband had raised their family. She let out the four extra rooms to supplement her income.

She provided breakfast and supper, that was included with the price of the room. She had coin operated laundry facilities available for tenant use in her basement. The room came with linens but the tenants were responsible for washing their own bedding and keeping their rooms clean and tidy. Her steadfast rule was to be respectful of others. No loud music, excessive noise and no one of the opposite sex in your room. She also forbade the discussion of politics or religion during meals or in the common areas. She felt that would greatly minimize arguments and fighting. Her rules were in writing and you were required to sign a copy stating you understood both the rules and the consequences for violating. Violation of her rules resulted in immediate eviction. I signed the agreement, paid her for two weeks in advance and told her that I'd see her Friday evening.

Next, I called my daughter Erin and asked her to meet me at her favorite coffee shop. She hesitated and then told me she had plans. She and her best friend Georgia and a couple of others planned to see the concert featuring the bands Delta Blue and the Manny Mann Ragtime Band then spend the night in Centerville which was nearly three hours away. I pleaded with her, "I'm sorry baby but this is extremely important! I swear I'll only take up about the time for you to drink a salted caramel latte."

She paused and though her voice sounded a bit irritated she finally said, "Okay Dad. I'll see you in thirty minutes." As she hung up, I wondered how she would take the news that I had just packed up part and parcel and left her mother. I knew she had felt the tension every time she visited with Carrie and I together. The few times we were together just the two of us, I made a point to not discuss the elephant in the room that had been there for months now.

I've no way of knowing what she and Carrie discussed when I was absent. I just sensed the stress she felt and noticed that her visits became shorter and farther in between. I absolutely hated the idea of being a part of her discomfort or causing my baby girl any pain, however, there is no way for her to avoid finding out and I don't want her to be blindsided.

I arrived at the coffeeshop about ten minutes ahead of the time I was to meet Erin. So, I grabbed us a table and then about five minutes before her arrival I went up and ordered her latte and a strong black coffee for myself. I had just got seated again when I saw Erin come through the door. She appeared stressed and almost as if she didn't want to be here. I got up and gave my daughter a hug and immediately felt her tense up. "Hi baby girl! Thanks for coming on such short notice."

Erin was 24 and a true vision of loveliness. Blonde hair, blue eyes and normally had a smile that lit up any room she entered. Some she had inherited from her mother and some from the women on my side of the family. She had definitely got the best of both sides of the gene pool. She was also very affectionate and had been a daddy's girl. Something was decidedly off with her but, I was clueless as to why unless it had to do with her mother's apparent and well vocalized views of me as of late.

Quickly she took her seat as she said, "Hi Dad, I'm kind of in a hurry. I'm going to a concert with friends and it's a long drive." That was strange as she always called me Daddy and now it was Dad twice today. Once over the phone a scant few minutes ago and again, just now. We had always shared the same terms of endearment. She was my baby girl and I was Daddy. I realized the how the distance between us was as wide a span as the Grand Canyon, yet we were just three feet apart, and the hurt I felt, was just as deep.

"Erin, what is wrong with you? You are definitely not yourself! Have I done something to make you feel uncomfortable or to upset you?" I asked genuinely concerned about her.

"No, oh Daddy!" I saw the tears well up in her eyes. Then she gathered herself and asked, "What did you need to see me about?"

I took a sip of my coffee, took both of her hands in mine, and began. "Erin, honey, I know that things haven't been pleasant around our house lately and I'm sorry for the stress and discomfort you've felt at the situation. I've tried not to discuss matters around you, I really have tried. It's just," I took a pregnant pause before I continued, "I'm sorry but I can't avoid it any longer. I didn't want you to find out second handed but, today, I packed up and I have left your mother. I just couldn't take it any longer, not one second longer. I'm sorry, but I felt you should hear it directly from me."

"Oh, Daddy, I told her to stop seeing him! It wasn't right nor fair to you!" she cried as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. God, I never wanted to be in the middle of this!"

I sat there stunned. I felt the jolt of 100,000 volts of burning, overwhelming pain course through my body. I was unable to move, unable to speak. I knew she had her issues with me and that what she argued and carped about was petty and made no sense until this very moment. I'd never put together the pieces until now. Carrie was cheating on me with another man and her reactions or should I say overreactions was manifested in her deep-seated Catholic guilt. She had violated the basic tenets of our faith and several of the ten commandments.

I wondered if I knew this man. Did she love him? How did Erin know? Why did Erin know? Why didn't she tell me? At first, I got extremely angry at my daughter. I thought about it and realized that her mother put her in an awkward position and the agony of whether or not she should tell me or keep it to herself had torn her up inside. I decided that it was not her place to decide and I need to soothe her conscience and lift the burden from her shoulders.

I saw Erin look at me as I went white as a ghost and knew she saw the look of shock and disbelief as well as the immense soul searing pain of betrayal. "Erin, are you saying that your mother has been having an affair? Is that why you've barely been around lately?" She nodded her head up and down, in the affirmative, indicating that it indeed was the reason. I paused for a moment and thought about things. To think I've put up with all of Carrie's crap for months on end trying to keep our family together and for what? To be abused incessantly? I had been minimalized, marginalized, ridiculed, disrespected, humiliated, and all to top it all off, I find out that I've been lied to and betrayed by the woman that meant more to me than life itself! I now understand, at least in part, why Carrie has treated me so badly.

Now it makes sense. I kept these thoughts to myself. Our problems were between her mother and me. Nothing her mother did is in no way Erin's fault nor did she bear any responsibility whatsoever to tell me. I, however, had a responsibility to keep her out of the middle of the coming shit storm that her parents' marriage had become. I saw her tears and handed her some napkins and took both of her delicate hands into mine as I spoke.

"Listen baby girl, I'm truly sorry! This has nothing to do with you and the last thing I wanted to do is to put you in the middle of this or make you feel the need to take sides. Our issues are our problem not yours. Until this moment I didn't know that your mother broke her vows and cheated on me." I reached across and touched her cheek and continued, "You assumed that was the reason I left and I feel bad that somehow, you've been inadvertently conflicted and on pins and needles by what you witnessed. No child should be subjected to something as horrendous as to bear witness to the infidelity of a parent, even if that child is an adult. You had to face an inconceivable and excruciatingly painful situation and, for that, I'm deeply sorry." Despite my best efforts her tears continued to cascade down her cheeks.

"I merely wanted to give you a heads up in person that, as of an hour ago, I left your mother. What was accidently revealed wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back, so don't worry that this is somehow your fault. This is something has been building to a cadenza for some time now and had nothing to do with this latest revelation. I didn't come seeking information from you nor do I want to unload the myriad details of my personal burdens on you, they are solely mine to bear."

"Daddy, I'm sorry, I should've told you but I didn't know how! That's why I've been ghosting you both the past few months. I couldn't bear to watch her disrespect and belittle you and I couldn't tell you what I saw."

Erin was practically sobbing by the time I got up and hugged her. I whispered in her ear, that, "I hope this lifts the burden from your shoulders since it was never your burden to carry. If you care to not discuss any of it with me, that's okay. If, however, you need to talk, I'll listen and provide a shoulder to cry on if you need it. I only want what's best for you. Any information I desire I'll find out from your mother. I apologize for my earlier outburst. I was shocked, to say the least but, that has absolutely nothing to do with you or what slipped out. You're my baby girl and I love you. I also know you're an adult, however, having your folks split up is still traumatic."

I looked into her tear-filled eyes as I told her, "Remember these two things. Nothing will ever change the fact that you're my baby girl and I'll always love you and be there for you. Second, you mother loves you and will be there for you as well, never doubt that." I quietly smiled at her.

Suddenly she grabbed me in a bear hug so tight I could barely breathe. "You'll always be my Daddy! I love you so much. Oh, I'm so sorry Daddy!" She sat back down and began her sad story. "Daddy, I found out quite by accident. I had a luncheon meeting with a client at the restaurant in the Hilton downtown about two weeks ago. I saw mom come in with a man. I hid behind my menu as they came in hand in hand. They were seated in a secluded part of the restaurant. I finished my meeting and went to the lobby."

She fought back tears and continued, saying, "I watched as mother and this man went to the elevators. While they waited for the car to come down, they kissed rather passionately before they disappeared inside the car once the bell dinged and the door opened. I called the office and told them I'd be out the rest of the day. I remained in the lobby and it was three hours later before Mom strolled off the elevator freshly showered and wearing a different dress. She had a small overnight bag in her hand that she must have stashed in the room ahead of time."

Erin needed to pause and catch her breath before she finished, saying, "I'm sorry Daddy, I hoped it would pass. I've seen how she has treated you over the past few months and once I saw them together, I knew why. I didn't want to be the one to tell you, I'm so sorry."

"Baby girl, its alright. It was never your job to tell me and I'm sorry you witnessed your mother's infidelity and got caught up in all this nonsense. I'll be okay. I left her because of her rotten attitude toward me. The constant complaints, chiding, nagging, backbiting and the lack of respect coupled with the lack of common courtesy and decency for someone she claimed to have once loved. What I learned today sheds some light on why she treated me the way she did. Listen, run along to your plans for the day, I've kept you too long already. I'm fine so don't worry about me."

"Fat chance Daddy. I love you. Call me, okay?"

"I will baby girl, soon. I promise! Enjoy the concert!" She hugged me before she left and I hoped she could enjoy her day. I left the coffee shop and went to the motel where I'd spend the next several days. I checked in and dropped off my bags. I checked out the kitchen, stove, fridge, microwave, and coffeemaker. I was all set. I made a small list of groceries I needed before I set out to confront my wayward wife. I also needed to get somethings from my trailer before I returned to the hotel.

I started out for the door when, suddenly, the pain overwhelmed me and surged like the flood waters of a tsunami and swallowed me whole. I felt I was drowning in a sea of staggering, soul shattering pain and betrayal. I know I said I didn't love her anymore and that's the truth. Even though I wasn't in love with her any longer, the fact that she had cheated on me, hit me right between the eyes.

Unless you've had to deal with this level of betrayal you cannot fathom the depth of soul crushing pain you feel once you've discovered your partner's affair. It's the most vile, degrading, and callous violation of trust by a spouse. Especially if you pledged your love and fidelity to one another and uttered those vows of commitment in front of God, family, and friends as we did.

It's something so deeply and intimately personal, especially when you had honored your pledge to forsake all others and kept your promises only to learn that your partner failed to do the same. I asked myself how and why I was so inadequate. Why, if I made her so unhappy, she didn't leave and file for a divorce and then moved on. I wondered why she chose to make my life a living hell for the past six months and I thought what had changed to make her hate me so much.