The Case of the Sneaky Valentine

It occurs to me that maybe the reason Zoe hasn't come round is that she hates me because of how I've mistreated and hurt her. Is she, even at this moment, regretting the kindness, friendship and love she offered, cursing me for the selfish, cowardly bitch that I probably am? Perhaps she went to 'La Gata Rosa' and has met someone else, another woman, someone prepared to love her properly so she can forget me... Despite all that has happened, the idea of Zoe with another woman is unexpectedly painful and I sob, tears falling.

It was Easter last weekend and so, since both last week and this week are school holidays, I've taken annual leave to be with the girls: two days last week and three days this week. I tried to make it good for them, with a trip to the cinema and a meal out, but I think we were always conscious that there was a fourth person missing. I have booked tickets for Legoland on Tuesday for the three of us and I hope the excitement and novelty will help us forget her not being there.

I had to do it, I keep telling myself; I had to walk away from her for everyone's sake in the long run. This pain will fade in time, I'm sure... I hope. Tina came to me for a cuddle on Friday evening. "Mum, me and Chloe really miss Zoe... you miss her too, don't you Mum? She really cared about you."

"That's enough, Tina," I told her, hating myself as I said those words. We didn't go to the archery Beginners' Course yesterday, yet another thing to feel guilty about but what else could I do? Chloe was particularly upset by that and has been sullen when I try to say anything to her since then.

No! No more tears. I bite my lip and dry my eyes on my pillow as I lie here in bed. There is a soft knock on the bedroom door. "Come in," I call. Tina enters hesitantly, carrying something.

"This letter was on the doormat downstairs," she says, holding out a red envelope. On the front is just my name. Nervously, I tear open the envelope and find inside is a Valentine's card featuring a patchwork teddy bear holding a heart. However, a silver tear has been added to the corner of the bear's eye. I open the card and read inside:

The handwriting is identical to the other three Valentine's cards and, at last, I know the identity of my Sneaky Valentine and tears blur my vision. Inside is also a folded piece of paper that I unfold to find a long, handwritten letter.

Yes, Sarah, I was your 'Sneaky Valentine'. I wish I could still be but I see that my desire and love for you is only causing you anxiety and pain. It is to me too, but I would bear that if there was any sign that our being together might bring you happiness. It isn't, and I cannot stand to hurt you.

You don't remember me from then but we used to live near each other when we were growing up. Our houses backed on to each other and I saw you from time on the street and even, occasionally, in your bedroom opposite mine. I thought then, as I still think now, that you are truly and uniquely beautiful. Yes, I had a crush on you back then and it is one that I still have today.

When I started at secondary school, you were a great big Sixth Former, soon to be eighteen, and I was in total awe of you. You spoke to me once, though I doubt you recall it. Two lads from my class were teasing and chasing me and I tripped; you were there and shouted at them to leave me alone, then helped me up and asked how I was. I was so shy I couldn't speak.

Then, one Monday morning three and a half years ago, I saw you get on the train as I was on my way to my first day at work in my job. I recognised you immediately and, even after sixteen years, I couldn't help but adore you. And still, even after sixteen years, I couldn't bring myself to speak to you, not even when you were stood close to me a few times. So I wrote the card and slipped it into your handbag as I walked behind you on the platform at Victoria.

I saw your beautiful, wonderful girls in the photo you carry, so I assumed you were probably straight and had someone in your life. I couldn't bring myself talk to you but the next year I sent another card, in the same way, hoping that I'd see some reaction the next day but there was none.

After the card this year you reacted: I saw you were looking at the others in the carriage the next day. The following Monday I deliberately stood, hoping to be close to you. It worked and, amazingly, I spoke to you and you replied and, oh Sarah, you are so lovely!

On the night of the snow, I admit, I deliberately suggested that we ought to book into a hotel with the possibility, just maybe, that something might happen. I was surprised that you agreed so readily and that gave me hope that my suspicions were right and that you had more than feelings of just friendship towards me. At the hotel, when we found the queue of people, I thought I might be able to suggest that, with so many people needing somewhere to sleep, taking two rooms would be selfish and so maybe we could share a room. When there was just the one double room left, well, I thought fate was smiling on us. The look on your face, the excitement I sensed as we booked in, gave me such butterflies that I could barely eat when we went out later.

I'm truly sorry for what happened that night. I misread the signs and signals of the whole evening really. You asked for a cuddle and I shouldn't have gone any further but when you asked if I'd been in bed with a woman before and the way you responded to my touch, well, I really thought you wanted to make love -- and I have ached to make love to you for so very long that, being there naked with you, it was just too much to resist. I should have understood that it was never going to be an easy decision for you and that you would need time not pressure. You were taking the first hesitant steps, wondering if you could love a woman; I am deeply sorry that the answer you came to was 'No' but I must respect that decision.

I'm sorry: this letter was meant to be me saying goodbye and good luck. I hope you find the man you think you need to share your life and help you raise your amazing girls and, above all, I hope he loves you in the way you deserve and that you can truly love him back.

Give Tina and Chloe a hug and a kiss from me; I'll really miss them too.

I set you free and let you go from my heart.

Zoe xxx

My tears falling freely and I am sobbing as I finish reading; dropping the letter I bury my face in my hands. Zoe doesn't hate me. Incredibly, I find she has loved me since she was the twins' age; how is that even possible, how can she have stayed so... so faithful to that love?

"Mum, what's the matter," Chloe asks as she enters the bedroom. I look up and see Tina has not only picked up the fallen letter but, as she finishes reading it, holds it out to Chloe along with the card.

"No!" I exclaim, horrified. "There are things in that letter that you're too young to read. Tina, no!"

Tina ignores my plea but just looks me in the eye and asks, "Mummy, do you love Zoe?"

Oh god, that is such a hard question to answer. Do I love her? I have so many feelings for her but is what I feel really love? I think back over the times we spent together, recalling the incidents and conversations. Two things stand out above all the others: that first Saturday morning, with Zoe sat between the twins and all three smiling happily; and then there was that kiss in the snow after we left the restaurant. Eventually, I nod. "I loved the time we spent together and I adored the way she was with you two."

"We made a good family, didn't we?" Tina observes simply. This is so profoundly, heart-wrenchingly true that all I can do is nod. "But that's not, like, answering the question, is it?"

Chloe finishes reading the letter and asks, "Why did you say we're too young to read in this letter, Mum? I think it's beautiful and shows how much Zoe loves you."

"About Zoe and I... together..."

"That you slept together? We know women do that sometimes. Lucy Owens at school, her big sister is at University and she's a lesbian. Lucy told us all about it, even though some of it sounded a bit yucky," Chloe tells me in a surprisingly matter of fact tone. "And there's Miss Drake at school too, though she hasn't told us what she and her girlfriend do together, of course."

"Mum, Chloe and me knew something, like, happened when you were in the hotel with Zoe. You were so happy when you phoned us and the next morning you came to collect us from Granny and Granddad's and you were miserable. You haven't talked about Zoe all week and then you wouldn't let us go to archery yesterday. Chloe and me have talked a lot about you and Zoe and I guess we kinda knew you liked each other more than just as friends. Mum, the question is still: do you love Zoe because her letter says she certainly loves you!" says Tina and I feel the truth of that as a pain in my chest. I remember my jealousy at the idea of Zoe with another woman and then I recall thinking, weeks ago, that if Zoe had been a man then I would being trying for us to be together, to live and sleep together, to be a couple...

"Yes, Tina, I love her," I say quietly and Tina smiles at my admission, "but it's not that simple!" I complain in anguish.

"Why not?" asks Chloe.

"Because of other people," I tell her. "What would Mum... I mean Granny and Granddad think? What would the other children at school think and say to you? You could get bullied..." Tina picks up my mobile phone from the bedside table.

"Mum, why don't you speak to Miss Drake?"

"I can't do that; she said I could call her if you had any other questions, not if I'm just... mixed up." Tina thinks for a moment, biting her lip.

"Okay Mum, I've got a question: should a woman with children walk away from the person she loves and who loves her back, just because the other person is also a woman? What's the answer Mum?" Tina demands.

"Yes... no, she... oh, I don't know!"

"Then why don't you call Miss Drake and ask her?" Tina asks more gently and Chloe nods in agreement.

"I can't call her early on a Sunday morning in the school holidays," I reply but I can guess from the look on her face what Tina will say next, so I continue, "Okay; I will text her asking her to call. Okay?" Tina accepts this and I send Penny a brief text saying the girls have a question. Tina and Chloe climb onto the bed either side of me and we hug briefly, being there for one another as we promise at every evening meal.

I decide to get up and start the day, desperate to stop thinking about that letter and Zoe's outpouring of her feelings for me. I also wish I could shake the low mood I'm in, accept the decision I had to make and just get on with life. Zoe's letter hasn't helped one bit with any of that.

In the kitchen, I start making a cup of tea and glance at the calendar on the wall. Oh yes, we're going to Mum and Dad's for Sunday lunch. I really am going to have to sort myself out and try and cheer the girls up before we go or it's going to lead to some very awkward questions about why we're all so down. I almost drop the mug of tea in surprise when my mobile suddenly rings: it is Penny Drake. "Hello, Penny."

"Hi Sarah, I got your text. Are you all okay?"

"Um yes, sort of. How are you?" I ask, putting off asking Tina's question. "How did the meeting with the head go?"

"Hmm, well, she advised me that my sexuality was something best kept out of school to avoid any difficulties. I think I understand her concerns but it's bloody annoying when the Year Three teacher's engagement to her boyfriend was announced in a school assembly on the last day of term. Clearly homosexuality is best kept out of school but heterosexuality is fine. Sorry, I'm offloading on you yet again and you needed a question answered. What did the girls want to know, Sarah?"

I take a steadying breath. "Well, Tina asked if a woman who has children should walk away from the person she loves, and this person loves her back, just because the other person is also a woman? Does that make sense?"

"Er, yes, I think I understand," Penny replies but then goes quiet. I notice the girls have entered the kitchen and are listening to my half of the conversation. "Sarah, please don't be offended but I suspect that this isn't an abstract question, is it? This is someone Tina knows isn't it?"

"Um, yes... it is, yes." I confess awkwardly, feeling my cheeks burn.

"Sarah, this isn't you, is it?"

"Yes!" I sob.

"Oh shit. No, Sarah, I'm sorry; it's just a bit of a shock, that's all. So, you've fallen in love but the problem is that it's a woman you've fallen for?"

"Yes, it's... it's Zoe, the woman who helped with the 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day'."

"And the Zoe that Tina and Chloe keep talking about." From her tone I imagine Penny smiling. "Sarah, I can't tell you what to do; I can only say that, if it was me in your position, well, I would follow my heart. The fact that the twins are evidently so fond of Zoe would only make that easier."

"Yes, but what about my parents and the other children at school if I end up giving Chloe and Tina two Mums instead of a Mum and Dad?" I cannot help the tears of confusion and frustration.

"Mum, are you alright?" Chloe asks as they both come over to hug me.

"Are the girls with you? If so, can you put the phone on loudspeaker for me so I can talk to all of you?"

"Okay..." I fiddle with the phone. "They're both here and you're on loudspeaker now, Penny," I tell her.

"Hello Miss Drake," calls Tina.

"Hello Penny," says Chloe with a cheeky grin before she catches my eye, "Sorry, I mean Miss Drake."

"Hello, Chloe and Tina. So you both know why your Mum's upset?"

"Yes," replies Tina, "I think she loves Zoe, like the proper 'I love you' sort of love, but she thinks that it's wrong, I guess, like it'll upset Granny and Granddad and that Chloe and me will get bullied and stuff."

"And what do you two think she should do, knowing that you might well get teased at school, bullied even, for having a mum who's in a relationship with another woman?" Penny asks. Tina and Chloe switch into their intriguing twin-talk language briefly.

"We want Mum to be happy," replies Tina for them both after a few moments, "and we love Zoe too and, well, it'd be pretty cool if she was like our second Mum."

"Very cool," agrees Chloe.

"And the teasing and bullying?" Penny insists.

"Well, it'd be harder to tease us if we were, like, proud of having two Mums, wouldn't it?" asks Chloe.

"It would be, but people can still use rude names and make nasty comments, can't they?" Penny seems determined to prove something.

"We know that," replies Chloe, "but people can always find something to be mean to you about if they really want to."

"Yes, and at least we'd have Mum and Zoe happy and there to help us and like look after us," adds Tina. I stare at my little girls and they look back at me.

"Is that what you wanted them to tell me, Penny?" I ask her, my voice thick with emotion.

"I wanted them to be honest but I had a feeling that it's what they would say," Penny replies, "and it's what you need to hear, I think. I know it's your decision, Sarah, but I don't think Tina or Chloe would want you to say no to Zoe because of them."

"That's true Mum," Tina nods, "and it's, like, what I've been trying to say: we want Zoe here too for you and for us too." My heart feels lighter and full of affection and deep love for my wonderful daughters, but that is not all there is to the matter.

"Okay," I concede, "but that still leaves Mum and Dad and, from what you've told me Penny, you can't say that's not an issue."

"No, I can't and I won't. All I will say is that they are your parents and I think that they probably love you and the twins very much. They'll care about your happiness so maybe you need to persuade them that your happiness needs for you and Zoe to be together."

"You make it sound so simple!" I reply.

"Oh fu... flip, it's anything but that! However, that's what's slowly bringing my parents round to accepting that I love Rachel and need to be with her. Who knows: maybe one day we'll get engaged and I can get that round of applause in school assembly," she adds, with a hint of bitterness.

"That would be great!" exclaims Tina.

"Yes, it would," Penny agrees, "but in the meantime, the head teacher has asked that I not talk about being gay. Will you both keep it to yourselves?" The girls both assure her that they will. "Sarah, if you do choose to be with Zoe then I'll do my absolute best to make sure that the twins aren't teased or bullied, I promise."

"Thank you, and thank you for talking to me. Go and enjoy your Sunday with Rachel, I have two girls here I want to hug and make breakfast for. Bye, Penny."

"Bye Sarah." I end the call and, as promised, hug Tina and Chloe tightly.

"Girls, you are both wonderful, thank you."

"So... are you going to call Zoe?" asks Chloe.

"Not yet, Chloe; I still need to think and need to talk to Granny and Granddad. You remember we're going there for lunch today?" I remind them and they both nod. There seems to be an optimism in their eyes that wasn't there yesterday; I hope it isn't misplaced.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am anxious as I help Mum prepare the lunch. Part of me wants to speak just to her alone but I know if she reacts badly then I will never get the chance to present my side properly to Dad. He has always been calmer and less intense than Mum, which I guess might help. Or perhaps not; who knows?

"You've been very down this last week and a half, so you have," Mum observes, "the girls too. Are you all alright?"

"Well, there are some things I want to talk to you and Dad about." I see her mouth tighten and I wonder what she's thinking or guessing.

"That Zoe woman hasn't been about has she?" she comments in an offhand way that fools me not one bit.

"No Mum, she hasn't," I reply neutrally before changing the subject. "Shall I put the carrots on to steam?"

"Yes please dear. The girls ought to come in from the garden, so they should, and wash their hands ready. Can you let Dad know dinner will be in ten minutes so he can finish setting the table?"

I head out into the garden and cross the small patio to the short flight of flagstone steps that lead down to the grass of the main garden where Chloe is chasing Tina between the apple trees at the far end. I call them to come and wash their hands and to make sure that they don't walk mud into the house. Having checked that they're doing as they've been told, I head back indoors to dig Dad out from the depths of The Sunday Times newspaper to set the table.

It is actually twenty minutes before we are all finally sat down and the food has been passed round. I can see that the girls are waiting for me to say something and I can feel my heart beating fast and hard and I can barely eat. Mum is obviously also waiting because her patience finally gives in.

"So Sarah, dear, you said there was something you wanted to talk about to your Dad and me, so you did," she prompts.

"Um, yes." Oh god, how do I start? "It's, well, you know how awful it was with Roy? It was such a mistake getting together with him. You told me that at the time and you were both right, I know. The only good things that came from it were Tina and Chloe here." I pause and can see that they are in agreement with me so far. "I was really miserable with him, as you told me I would be Mum. The thing is, it wasn't all down to him. I know that as a father and partner he was a crap, sorry Mum but that's the best word for him, but the truth is that I was crap as a partner too. I don't think I ever really loved him."