The Erotic Book Illustrator

"Sean, are you listening to me?" I heard. I shook my head replying. "Yeah, I'm listening. I was working out in my head how we can split everything up. We have no bloody savings. We'll have to sell the house."

"Sean, stop it. We don't have to do anything. All I'm asking for is you give this some consideration. It's something I would like to do, but not at the expense of our marriage."

"Zoe, you don't have to wait. I'm telling you right now, and I will never change my mind. I will not stand for it. What's more, I'm not going through the rest of my life wondering if it's something you want to do, or whether you're doing it behind my back. The balls in your court."

"Fuck." She hissed. She stood up and mumbled something about going to bed. Once she was gone, I turned off the lights, and stretched out on the sofa. Sleep was difficult. I tossed and turned all night.

She didn't come out before I went to work, in fact I barely saw her for two days. On the third, I came home and found her sitting at the dining table. Her eyes were puffy, she had clearly been crying for hours.

I went to walk up the hallway to have a shower when she called out. "Can your shower wait?"

I came back, and sat across the table from her. We sat staring at each other, waiting...

"I think you're right." She said. "Maybe we are in different places. Want different things. Perhaps the kindest thing for both of us is if we split."

I nodded. "Certainly feels that way." I replied.

"Sean, I have been thinking. Before we decide, I'd like to take two weeks. I thought I might go home and stay with my parents and try to clear my head. Could you give me that? It would give you a chance to evaluate what you want as well. Living the way we are isn't working."

"No, that sounds like a good idea. I assume we will live as if we are still married for those two weeks?"

She scowled, confused. "What does that mean?"

"It means that you're not going off for two weeks with lover boy, then coming home to tell me you want to stay married."

"Bloody hell. Do you have no faith in me at all? I told you before. I would never cheat on you. I said, I'd never do anything without your explicit permission. That still stands."

"Very well, thanks for clarifying. When were you thinking of leaving?"

"Tonight, I've finished Danes book. I have a couple of manuscripts to proof read, but that will keep me occupied at Mum's."

"Zoe, I need you to think about what you want to split things up."

"Split..." "Are you that convinced that is our only option? I mean really, am I wasting my time even thinking about saving our marriage, should I simply file for divorce now?"

"No." I grumbled. "I would like to think we could find some common ground. I still love you Zoe, that has never changed. You found ways to make me question everything, but I still feel like we had something special."

She sighed, a thin smile spreading across her face. "I love you as well, my only fear is we seem to be in different places, want different things. Can our love get us through that?"

Just like that she was gone. It was a chance to clear my head. It was lonely, there was no escaping that. It did give me a look into the future. What life would be like without her. Coming home to an empty house, cooking dinner for myself. I missed her like crazy, all of the reasons why I loved her were gone.

Her cheeky laugh, her annoying habit of changing the TV channel without asking if I was watching the program. Her ability to make me think. She had a mind that asked questions, and those questions made me think... Now there was nothing.

Stu, came around carrying a box of my favourite beer, and he kept me entertained while we emptied it, creating a mammoth hangover. I played football, had some drinks down the pub with mates. That was all good, but it didn't fill the void.

Claire came around carrying a pot of mac and cheese. Which was nice. She asked whether I had spoken to Zoe.

"Nah, she hasn't called me."

"You do realise that phones work both ways? You could phone her."

"She wanted this split to give her time to sort her head out. I want her to do that. I figured it best to let her do it at her own pace."

She winced, "Dummy, I think she's probably doing what you're doing. Moping... Don't be a stubborn arse. Call her."

"Have you spoken to her?" I asked.

"Yes, Sean. I have spoken to her every day."

"How is she?"

"Lonely, just like you..."

After she left, I contemplated calling but decided against it. Yeah, I am hard headed, and stubborn. It was part of our problem I guess.

I did get an interesting call from her brother. Apparently, Dane turned up at her parents home asking to speak with her. Colin, her brother happened to be there on the night. Zoe went outside to speak to Dane. While they talked, Danes voice got very loud and Colin thought it was a bit sus. He went out to check if Zoe, was okay. Dane told him to butt out, which Colin didn't appreciate. A short fight ensued, in which. Colin kicked Danes arse.

Afterwards, Colin and Zoe talked, and she told him a little of what was going on between us. She also begged Colin not to tell me Dane, turned up on their doorstep. He agreed, but thought better of it which is why he called me. He figured I'd want to know the dick followed Zoe there.

Colin did say, Zoe told Dane to piss off, and stop harassing her. Which pleased me no end.

That first week was the hardest, the feelings of emptiness and frustration. How could two people who loved each other, drift so far apart in a couple of months? It beggared belief, that such a yawning chasm could open so easily. Jesus... Did we even know each other at all?

The second week was easier. Work days were long, I had football Wednesday night. Stu dragged me out for a game of squash Thursday night. After the game, we went down to our local for a couple of beers.

"Has, Claire spoken to Zoe over the last few days?" I asked.

"Every day my friend. Every day for hours..."

"Do you know how she's doing?"

"Yeah, she's fine physically. Claire said she is feeling it though."

"Has she said what she's doing?"

"Not in so many words. I sort of promised I wouldn't tell you."

"Is it that bad?"

"No... Shit mate. I can't say without letting the cat out of the bag. Claire, has been pushing for her to come home and talk to you. Maybe even get a counsellor involved."

It sounded positive, but left me feeling uneasy. I had given this so much thought. How could we possibly stay together if she wanted to follow through with her stupid fantasy stuff? I had asked that question of myself so many times, I was sick of it.

The worst part was, I still had no answer.

It was Sunday afternoon when she walked in the door. She didn't greet me with open arms, or even a kiss. She looked wound up and tense. I decided if she couldn't even offer me a kiss, I certainly wasn't going to rush to her.

"How was the family?" I asked.

"They're all good. Colin came home for a few days to catch up as well, which was lovely."

"Nice, you always had a good connection with him." She nodded, and I asked. "Do you want tea, or coffee? It will be dinner time soon, but I could knock you up something if you're hungry now?"

"Coffee, would be nice." She sighed. She carried her bags over to the hallway and left them there, before scurrying off to the toilet.

When she got back, I had her coffee made, and sitting on the bench. When she picked it up and sipped her first mouthful, I asked. "Do you want to sit in here, or outside?"

She gave me a firm stare. "Outside perhaps. It's still nice out."

I was going to lead her to the outside set table and chairs, but she headed straight for the big cane sofa.

I followed along and sat beside her. As it always does in these circumstances, it became awkward very quickly. We both had questions, but neither of us seemed prepared to ask.

In the end, I couldn't take the tension. "Did you come to any conclusions while you were away?"

Her eyes bored into me, I felt them burn. "No, not really. I came up with more questions than answers."

"Questions huh... What say we lay them out and see whether we can find the missing answers?"

She tilted her head a little, her lips pouting in thought. "Maybe, what about you? Have you made any decisions?"

"No, like you. I have questions."

She nodded, "Okay then. Lets hear one off yours?"

"All right. The question that I can't shake, or answer is. 'How can two people who love each other so dearly, be so far apart on what they want out of their marriage?"

"I had the same question. When I posed it of myself. I realised, I don't actually know what you want from our relationship. Even worse, I didn't know. I think I know for myself, but I do want to know what your expectations are."

"Okay, fair enough. What do I want? I want to be able to trust my partner, my lover, my wife. I don't want to be always be wondering if she has decided to finally take things into her own hands and fuck another guy. I want respect, and by that I mean. I don't want to be disrespected."

"Have I ever given you course to question my loyalty?" She asked.

"No, I suppose not, oh, apart from those bloody drawings... The continued voicing of your desires to actually do it."

"Sean, I promised you. I would never do anything about our fantasy if you weren't totally on board with it."

"Zoe, stop... Before you go any further. It was your fantasy, not mine, or ours. It was yours."

"I don't see it that way. I know it started out that way, but answer me this. Did you enjoy it when we role played?"

"I tried to explain, it was your arousal and excitement that aroused me. It was seeing the look of pleasure on your face when we did talk about it that made me happy."

"No, you can't weasel out of it. Tell me, yes or no. Did you enjoy our pillow talk, and role play?"

"Yes, I enjoyed it."

"So at some point it had to become our fantasy. You looked forward to it as much as me?"

"Okay, for the sake of this. Lets call it our fantasy."

She smiled at her little win, and it made me think. I had to admit I did enjoy it.

"It doesn't matter anyway does it. I said I would never do anything without your consent and or approval."

"That's what scares me Zoe. That sentence means there will be more requests, because it is what you want. Sitting behind all the words is your yearning. I mean it's almost a need within you."

"I never hid that fact. From the moment I started reading, and absorbing information surrounding cuckoldry. I knew I wanted to experience it at least once. Yes, I became obsessed with it, but I was always honest with you."

"Yeah, I accept that. What concerns me is the future. Assuming we try to make it work. That yearning obsession hasn't gone away. At some point it's going to come back"

"Sean, all I want is for you my husband to have an open mind. We both enjoy the role play, yes?"

I nodded. "Yeah, maybe for different reasons, but yeah. We both enjoy it."

"Good, nice to know we agree on something." She said with a sexy pout. If we kept on playing with it. Would you be prepared to accept that at some point down the road, I might be able to change your mind. That you might actually give it a go?"

"I believe I have kept an open mind throughout. I played your role play game. What's more, I let you hang with Dane." With his name out, I had to ask. "Have you spoken to him since going to your parents?"

"Yes, I have."

"And?"

"I told him I didn't want to see him again."

"Whys that?"

"I realised. I didn't like him."

"But you were obsessed with him."

"Yes I know, and I apologise for that."

"What made you change your mind?"

"Lots of little things. This was one of those perfect storm situations. We saw that doco on TV, Claire and Stu, came out to us. That got me interested, and then Dane came along. He was, confident, commanding. He had a very forceful manner, and I thought he would be perfect for us."

"For us?"I spluttered.

"Yes, us. He was so charming and confident. I figured if anybody could get you interested, it would be him. But you were so adamantly against it, only made it more intoxicating. I know that sounds cruel, and it is. The thought of a man you hated fucking me, and you knowing it was happening. Bloody hell that turned me on. The harder you fought, the more I wanted it."

"So why did you fall out of love with him?"

"It wasn't love Sean. He was a means to an end. This is where you and I diverge. I think it's possible to separate sex and love. I mean, you have to have some attachment to the person you have sex with. But you don't have to love them. What you and I share is a deep emotional connection. Love... What Dane and I shared was a love of sex. I never loved him."

"Yeah, but why did you decide he wasn't right?"

"I woke up... When Claire didn't like him. That made me look at myself. I was obsessed by him. It made me lose my mind, at least my rational mind. I missed all the hints and clues that I would normally see. He was a dick. You saw it, Claire saw it. I was so fixated on what I wanted. I didn't pick up on his faults."

"So where do we go Zoe. We are just going round in circles. Tell me what you want?"

"Sean. I love you. I hated being away from you. I want, need you in my life. Our marriage is as close to perfect as I have ever seen. We agree on everything except that one thing. I want to stay together. I want us to get better at the things we're good at. I want to start our family."

"I want the same things, and damn. I have missed you big time while you were away. This house was cold without you."

"All I want is we keep talking about the sex thing. Hopefully I can change your mind. Then maybe we will have a cuckolding experience, but if not. Then so be it."

"Can you live with the fact it might never happen?"

"Yes, so long as you can live with the fact it might?"

I chuckled softly. "Never say never right?"

She laughed as well. "Absolutely."

*****

"I know you're not that fixated on the moral element of having sex with other people. Why are you so against it?"

"Social programming I suppose."

"So, is it possible that having more than one sexual partner in a marriage is possible?"

"Anything is possible. My problem is, I like monogamy. I like knowing you are mine, and mine alone."

"Babe, I would always be yours. I'm not looking to replace you."

"Okay Zoe, you want to experience sex with other people, then maybe we go down the route Claire and Stu did. We could try swinging?"

She nodded along, clearly mulling over my words. "I had the same thought. There's just one problem. I hate the thought of you having sex with any other women."

I laughed loudly at her admission. "Holy fuck, you don't see the irony in that?"

She laughed along, before replying. "Yeah, don't panic. It wasn't lost on me."

"How do you justify your desires then?"

She shrugged, "I think I probably have a sadistic nature. That's what excites me so much about the cuckold thing. I came so hard imaging you having to wait outside our bedroom door while I got right royally fucked. Then having you lick his cum out of my pussy, Jesus Christ. Even just saying those words is making me all squishy."

"Then perhaps we really are wasting our time even trying because I don't think I could ever do that."

"Babe, so long as we can keep the fantasy real, then I'm happy. I love you, and can't envisage life without you.

"So long as it stays a fantasy, then I can live with that."

"You know, it might not be that bad... You might like it. Look at Stu."

"Oh no you don't. Stu had that fantasy long before he got married. He told me all about it. I have never have that desire."

"Okay," She sighed. "As long as we can role play, and you can keep an open mind to the possibilities..."

I was sick of fighting. When she kissed me as always, my mind turned to much and my dick turned to steel.... Who knows what the future holds, one thing is certain... It won't be boring.