The Pits

"Holy shit!" he said a few minutes later. "The bitch wants to knock you off. I told you that pre-nup was good. She realizes she can't get a wooden nickel out of you. That token five grand won't keep that bitch in shoes, let alone give her something she can live on. That's why she wants to off you. Sorry bud, I'm just too good."

I had to laugh. Only Jerry could turn something this bad into a ringing endorsement for his skills.

"Naturally you can't go back there," he said. "Let me make a phone call."

Jerry picked up his phone and called a number he knew by heart. "Hey Ted, this is Jerry Cantrell, can you come right over?" he asked the person on the other end of the phone. "Yeah I'm not going anywhere before then and probably even later than that. Nope she hasn't shown up yet but I'm expecting her. She lives right down the frigging road from my office. She could show up at any time.I'm hoping I don't have to call the police on her ass this time though."

Jerry put the phone down and looked up at me smiling. "That was Ted Frances, he'll be right over."

"Where do I remember that name from?" I asked.

"You voted for him for Sheriff," he said. "That is, if you followed my advice to you at the time."

A few minutes later a very tall, rangy guy came into the office. He looked like one of those Marlboro Man cowboy types. I instantly liked him, as he shook my hand and clapped Jerry on the back.

"So Why am I here?" he asked getting right down to business.

Jerry played him the tape. Like everyone else he was amazed by my maid's love for scrubbing bubbles. "There's no crime in someone loving their work," he smiled.

When we got to the good part, he clicked into a different mode. He whipped out an iPhone 4, just like mine and started taking down information on the notes program.

"Mr. Blake, can you please identify the parties I'm listening to on this tape?" he asked.

"The female voice is my wife Jenna, and the male is my best friend Dave Rhinehart," I replied.

"Damn," he said. "You sure can pick em." I nodded my head in agreement.

"What made you decide to bug your own home?" he asked.

I told him the whole story starting with what I'd overheard in the garage. "Well," he said. "Hearing this gives me ample evidence to have them removed from your home. It would also serve as grounds for you to seek a divorce. We could also get you a restraining order to force them to stay a certain distance from your property. But that's all."

"What are you getting at?" I asked.

"Well all they've done so far is to talk about doing something. As far as we know this could simply be a joke, or a prank. In order for us to really act, we'd have to have some kind of proof, or..." he lifted one eyebrow.

"Or?" asked Jerry.

"Or catch them in the act," he said.

As he was beginning to tell us what he was thinking Jerry's secretary knocked on the door interrupting us.

"Jerry, your next appointment is here," she said.

"Oh shit," he said. "Have her wait in the lobby." Jerry's entire demeanor changed. He went from concerned buddy, to nervous and fidgety in the blink of an eye.

He, Ted and I agreed to meet later in the day after Jerry's business was concluded. Ted quickly marched out of the office, and on his way. "Are you going to be Okay Jer?" I asked.

"Do you remember when you wanted to get married, and I told you to skip it and just kick yourself in the nuts instead?" he asked.

"Uhm yeah," I said. I'd always thought that Jerry was kind of crazy back then.

"Are you beginning to see what I meant?" he asked.

"Unh huh," I replied.

"Good, because the person who gave me the experience to give you that advice is waiting for me in the lobby," he said. I just shook my head and left the room. I did notice that Jerry was pouring himself a very stiff drink as I left.

As I left Jerry's office I almost bumped into a slim, tiny woman with a determined expression on her face. She had waves of chestnut brown hair that nearly obscured her big blue eyes. A pinched expression on her face and her lips pressed together completed the look of determination.

She was moving forward so quickly that she didn't see me until she was driving her breasts against my stomach.

We both leaped back from the unintended contact and blurted out hasty apologies. In the second that it took her to mumble her remorse for almost knocking me down. The mask disappeared and I got a quick glimpse of the woman behind it.

"I'm so sorry," she said. Her voice was high pitched, almost more befitting a girl than the woman standing in front of me. True she was tiny, but she was generously proportioned for her size. Her breasts though not huge seemed large for her frame. Her waist was so tiny that I was sure I could get my hands around it and have them touch. The tiny waist ballooned out into generous hips and long tapering legs. I think the thing that made her so attractive to me though was the fact that everything about her was real and natural.

After spending the last few years with a woman who was as big as I am, where everything was surgically enhanced, natural was a breath of fresh air.

"No, it's my fault," I said. "I tend to get clumsy around pretty women."

She reddened a little at my compliment, and then recognition hit us both. She was the woman from the parking lot that I'd given my spot.

"My God, you really are a gentleman, aren't you?" she said shyly. I really couldn't think of another word to say so I just smiled at her and went on my way. I couldn't help turning back to look at her on my way out the door though. She looked as good going as she did coming.

I had a couple of hours to kill before I went back to Jerry's office. I checked my phone and I had messages from Jenna and Dave as well. Dave's messages were full of things about the ranch and business. He also wanted to know how I was feeling since I'd missed our morning run. I filed all of it away, and decided to talk to him about the business things later on. I also wanted to spend some time with him, just talking.

He and I had grown up together. We'd been best friends for life. As far as I knew I had never done anything bad to him even accidentally. I wondered what would make him even think of going along with killing me, let alone him being the one to actually do it.

I guess deep down inside I wanted to believe that our friendship meant something to him. I still didn't believe that he could go through with it. We were as close as brothers so I had serious doubts that he'd actually be able to look me in the eye and then push me into that pit to my death.

The messages from Jenna were all about her worrying about me. She didn't know what I'd been doing the past couple of days. She wanted to know where I was, what I was doing. She wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me. She even hinted that she missed us fucking for the past couple of nights.

I really felt sorry for her. I just wished that there was some way I could explain to her that our current sexual problems were all me, not her. Hallmark needs a card that says, "Sorry, I just found out that the woman I loved, married, and have supported and taken care of for the past few years is a cheating homicidal bitch. So I barely want to look at her let alone have sex with her."

As I thought about my situation, I realized that I also needed to find out who else was in on Jenna's plan. How many of the people who worked for me were on her side in this. I really didn't think there were many, but then I never thought that Jenna would do this either.

I remember falling head over heels in lust with her. All of my guy friends told me I was the luckiest man on earth. Most of my female friends didn't like her. I put it down to jealousy, and fear. Jenna was after all a walking wet dream. Very few women could compete with her in terms of pure physical beauty and raw sexuality.

But realistically, her appearance besides just the gift of good genetics was a part of Jenna's job. Car show girls and models had to look a certain way to attract customers. Even while we were together there had been face lifts, Botox, Liposuction, maintenance on her breast implants, micro-dermabrasion and other procedures done just to keep Jenna looking like my wife the porn star. It was no wonder the average woman felt out of her league in Jenna's presence.

I found myself thinking though about the tiny little woman in Jerry's office. Though smaller, she stacked up well against Jenna, at least appearance-wise and I had the feeling that she didn't need all of the fakery. I wondered who she was. She was probably one of Jerry's clients like I was. I knew that I couldn't ask him anything about her, because that would probably go against his attorney-client confidentiality rules, but I was intrigued.

I mentally slapped the shit out of myself for even thinking about it. Here I was contemplating divorce from one woman, while thinking about another. I also had to contend with the fact that Jenna hadn't actually done anything yet. Right now I was as guilty as she was. All she had done was to talk about, or plan on doing something to me. I was already imagining doing something with someone else too. We were definitely a pair.

Time gets away from you while you're crying in your beer. I was so busy ruminating on all of my problems that I didn't realize how late it was. I got out of my car and started walking back to Jerry's office when I saw the stunner again. She was walking or staggering back towards her car, with her head down. She was obviously distressed.

Despite my own current problems I went to her. Since her head was down and she couldn't see where she was going, she bumped into me again before I could say anything.

"Uhm, you're making a career out of trying your best to run me down aren't you?" I asked smiling.

"I'm so sorry," she blurted out. "I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."

I pulled her over to a granite bench that was there for people to sit on while they had lunch or waited for shoppers in the mall.

"Rough meeting, huh?" I asked.

"My ex husband is such an asshole," she spit with more venom than I'd have thought her capable of. "Every time I ask him for something for our son, he refuses. In most cases I have to try to take him to court for every little thing. Even when I do go to court, he keeps everything tied and twisted up in red tape until I either find a different way to get what I need or just forget about it. It's no wonder I don't drink anymore."

Now I knew why she'd been in Jerry's office, or I thought I did. She was obviously having a rough time with her divorce. Well I'd probably be in that club soon.

"I'm going to have to go to court this time though. My son's education is too valuable a thing to take lightly," she spat. She nodded her head and sent all of that wavy brown hair tumbling around her tiny shoulders. This woman was fierce. As I watched she took her dress heels off and started rubbing her foot. As she bent forward her skirt shirt just a bit and I got a glimpse of her long tanned legs.

"Uhm, let me do that for you," I offered picking up one of her dainty feet. "If you lean forward too much, and that skirt shifts anymore, a lot of the guys in this parking lot will be trying to see your panties." As I said it I started rubbing her feet and massaging them.

"So, If you don't mind why not tell me about this problem of yours," I said.

"My bastard of an ex husband pays me child support for our son," she said. I noticed that she was moaning ever so slightly as I rubbed her feet. "That's all I want from him. Even while the divorce was going on I made it clear that I wanted no support for myself from him. I don't want anything from that bastard for myself. But now that my son is four, I'd like to try and find a job, so I can make our lives better. In order to do that though, I need to put my son in a pre-school program. Good...Oh that feels so good! My God where did you learn to do that?"

"Pre-school program," I said reminding her of where she left off.

"Oh yes, good pre-school programs cost money. Today I asked asshole if he'd pay for it and naturally he said no. I even offered to pay him half of it back when I find a job, but he still said no," as she spoke her whole body had gone limp, her head dropped back and she was barely able to hold herself up. "Oh...please stop," she said.

"Sorry," I said, putting her foot down gently. "Did I rub too hard or hit a sore spot?"

"No silly," she said. "I almost had an orgasm. It would have been my first one in about 4 years that I didn't do for myself. Besides the way my legs are moving under this skirt, a lot of those men you were warning me about were going to be really disappointed," she laughed.

"Why would they be disappointed?" I asked. She leaned closer to me, as if she was sharing a vital secret.

"You said they'd be looking to see my panties," she whispered.

"Well, yeah," I said. I refused to say, "Duh,"

"I'm not wearing any," she smiled, pulling her legs closed and pulling her skirt down. "Your massage got me so wet I'd have ruined them, anyway."

"Look we don't know each other," I began. "Nah, it wouldn't work."

"No it wouldn't," she snapped. "And just when I was beginning to see you as some kind of knight in shining armor. You turn out to be just like the rest of them."

"Sorry," I said.

"You ought to be," she fired off. "How dare you even think about propositioning a woman you barely know? The whole time that we've been here, all I've talked about is my son and my ex husband."

"What proposition?" I asked. "I was going to offer you a job and a loan. I was only doing it because you seemed nice and I suddenly remembered I need help. Then I realized that it wouldn't work."

"A job," she snapped. "I'm so sorry. I thought that you...Why wouldn't it work?"

"Because you wouldn't be interested in the type of job I could offer," I said.

"I'll do anything," she hissed. "I'll try anything that gets me a paycheck. As long as it's legal and doesn't involve me taking off my clothes."

"Well the three things I have right now are cleaning, farm work, or book keeping," I said. "And the way you dress, and the car you drive puts you above that type of work."

She got the evilest look on her face. "Go call the police," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"There's a black guy over there," she said pointing at a man in a business suit, talking on a cell phone. "He must have stolen something. And look over there, foreigners." She pointed at two Asian college students.

"They're students," I said. "And the black guy is probably a lawyer. You can't jump to conclusions about people just because they look a certain way." even as I said it I realized how stupid the things I'd said to her were.

She stood up in front of me tapping one tiny foot on the sidewalk. She was obviously pleased with herself for proving her point. "How did those words taste on the way out?" she asked. She smiled and her whole face lit up. There was a fire in those eyes and it made her even prettier. God I'd hire her just to look at her.

"Okay," I said. "I'm actually late for a meeting." I grabbed a piece of paper out of my wallet and wrote down the address of the ranch. "Meet me here at 9 a.m. tomorrow morning. And you can look the place over and decide which job you want. Bring me an idea of how much your son's pre-school will cost, and the hours you'd like to work and we can work something out."

"I'll be there," she smiled. Then she reached up and kissed me. The contact was electric. I hadn't felt anything like that since I'd first started seeing Jenna."Your armor is shinier than ever," she said. Then she turned and walked towards her car, leaving me stranded in her wake. All I could do was watch the gentle twitching of her hips as she glided away from me. Suddenly I realized that I didn't know her name, and I was very late.

As I ran down the hall near Jerry's office, I saw a tall stocky woman emerging from his office. Okay I'm lying she was a big fat evil looking woman with an unpleasant expression on her face. I generally try to refrain from judging people until after I've met them. My experience earlier in the day should explain why, but this woman, besides her almost masculine appearance and nearly freakish size, smelled extremely bad.

"Fucking Bastard," she mumbled, looking through her purse and extracting her keys. She turned back to look at the door and then noticed that she was blocking my way. "Sorry," she smiled with a quickly hoisted angelic expression on her face.

I found myself marveling at her quick change. Let's face it; women simply confused the shit out of me. I decided that for the good of my own mental health, I would never allow myself to become involved with one again.

I knocked lightly on the inner office door and walked in to find Jerry drinking a full glass of scotch.

"I can't believe the giant balls on that bitch," he shouted. "First she takes advantage of me while I'm drunk. I'd never have touched her if I'd been sober. Not in a million fucking years would I have inserted my dick into that diseased cunt. Then she turns out to be a fucking virgin. Boy did I have to hear about that part forever. I think she was only a virgin because nobody wanted her ass. Nobody, that is except for poor drunken dumb assed Jerry. Next thing I know she's pregnant," he ranted. I wasn't sure that Jerry even knew I was in the office. I think he might have been drunk. I had heard for a while about Jerry's marital problems, but seeing that woman in person simply scared the shit out of me.

No wonder Jerry was so God damned miserable. It also explained why he'd never wanted any of his friends to meet her. Shit, he was prettier than she was.

"So naturally I ask for a DNA test, and guess what?" he asked whomever he was ranting at. "It was my fucking puppy. I had no choice. Honor decreed that I had to marry her and try to make a go of it. That bitch did everything she could to make my life miserable. I bought her a fucking townhouse in the very heart of the city. She wanted to live in the country. I bought her a really nice car. The bitch wanted a 4X4. Why the fuck would the bitch need that kind of vehicle?"

Jerry's drunken rant was interrupted by Ted rejoining us. Amazingly Jerry pulled himself together and began making sense again. After seeing that monster of a woman though, all of my problems seemed small. That is unless my own monster managed to succeed in killing me.

"Okay," said Ted. "We've monitored your phone all afternoon and your wife's cell phone as well. There seems to be another player involved as well. Do you know a gentleman named Fred Mertz?"

"Yeah," I said. "He's a real dickhead. He owns some property that adjoins mine and tried to buy me out after I became successful. He's one of those entitled guys, who seemingly, walk around on rose petals. We don't really get along."

"Well he gets along with your wife," said Ted.

"Holy shit," I snapped. "The next thing I know you'll be telling me she's fucking the ostriches too. Who isn't she fucking?"

"God damn it you're lucky," cried Jerry. "I'd do anything to get that bitch I was married to fuck somebody so I could unload her. She makes my life a living hell."

"I really wish I could help you Jer," I said. "I truly do."

"Couldn't you get one of your farm hands, a blind one to go after her?" he asked.

"Actually guys," said Ted. "She's not fucking anybody. From conversations we've intercepted, she has yet to actually have sex with either one of the men involved. She's teasing the shit out of both of them, but has yet to deliver anything."He was smiling as he said this as if he knew something that I didn't.

"Okay, drop the other shoe," I said. "What are you hiding?"

"We have a theory but I want to avoid speculation until we get some kind if proof. Anyway what we need for you to do is to let them kill you, so we can get to the bottom of this." He seemed to be serious as he said this.