The Pits

She laughed at something else. "After you sell this dust bowl and smelly birds to the idiot down the road we'll live happily ever after."

"I can hardly wait for them to come in and give me the tragic news. Do you think it would look too dramatic for me to faint? I'm not sure if fainting would be too over the top. I want to sell this, but I don't want to overdo it. That's why I wanted him to fuck me last night. I was going to scream and get really loud so all of the staff would hear us going at it. That way if anyone asked, they'd be able to tell them that as far as they knew we were happy and fucking all the time. Of course it wouldn't have meant anything baby. It's still your pussy. It always has been," she suddenly stopped.

"Uh oh, someone's screaming and coming this way. I think it is show time, gotta go." she said as she hung up the phone.

Jenna opened the door in response to a gentle knocking.

"Hello ma'am," said Emilio nervously.

"You're uh..." she said fishing for his name.

"Emilio Aquino," he replied. He really didn't want to be here. Most of the staff had always been uncomfortable around Jenna and he was no different. He'd worked here for over 4 years and she still couldn't remember his name. The boss knew every single one of the workers and their spouses, and children on site.

"What can I do for you Emilio?" she asked smiling.

"There's been an accident ma'am," he said quietly.

"Is this about another dead Ostrich?" she snapped. "They've already set up traps for the cougar. You'll just have to give them time to trap him."

"That's not it ma'am," he said softly. "It's the boss."

"Tony, my Tony," shrieked Jenna. Her face was a mask of shock and rage. "What happened? Where is he?"

"He got accidentally pushed into one of the pits," said Emilio. He was on the verge of tears himself.

"Oh, no!" Jenna cried. She collapsed in front of Emilio. She was obviously overcome with emotion. She just lay there on the floor sobbing, as Emilio made his way back to his bungalow.

Back at the pit, several Police officers dissipated the crowd of my workers who'd come by to gawk. Many were crying and I knew that I'd have to pay them a bonus when this was all over. Four men dressed in black overalls jumped into the pit. Then their co-workers handed them a large stretcher. Down in the pit away from the eyes of my employees, Ted who'd been one of the four pulled his hood down so I could see his face. He handed me a set of black overalls just like the others wore.

"Get up you faker," he said. He playfully swatted at one of the spikes it swayed bending easily since it was made of rubber. I changed into the black overalls and pulled the hood around my face. Ted pulled out a cell phone and started talking into it as he climbed out of the pit.

After a few minutes, the four of us started to get out of the pit. Two of us jumped up to the ground, while the other two remained in the pit to hold the stretcher. A realistic looking dummy was fastened to the stretcher. It was covered so no one watching could tell it wasn't me. The two men in the pit got out after handing the stretcher off to the men up top. Then the four of us all carried the stretcher to a van marked Medical Examiner. It appeared that no one had noticed that four men went into the pit but five came out.

Just as we got the body into the van Jenna came screaming towards us crying her eyes out. Ted intercepted her and offered her his condolences. He told her there'd be a very thorough investigation done and that all of the guilty parties would be prosecuted.

As I watched Jenna, all of her expressions were off. Even from this distance, I could see that she was acting. I guess it wouldn't be very noticeable unless you really knew the person, but I had loved and lived with her for a long time. To me it was as clear as glass. I just shook my head and rode away from the former love of my life.

"Oh boy that went better than I expected," said Ted. "How does it feel to be dead?"

"Ha Ha," I smirked. "Did you arrest her yet?"

"Well, there's a problem with that," he said. "We want to wait until this mysterious fourth person shows up. So we can get them all."

"What fourth person?" I asked. "There's Jenna, and Dave, and Fred Mertz. Is someone else in this too?"

"From the most recent phone conversations we've intercepted, we believe that Fred Mertz isn't actually a part of this. He just agreed to buy your place if it became available. Your wife is also sneakier than we gave her credit for. Whoever this fourth person is, she only talks to him on a cheapo burner cell phone that we didn't even know she had." He looked at me and shrugged. The shrug seemed to say that you can't always see everything.

"Anyway," he continued. "We did manage to pick up her side of the conversation from the bugs in the house, but we have no idea of who he is. So we're going to wait for a while to see if he shows up."

"So where does that leave me in the meanwhile?" I asked.

"Dead," he smirked.

Ted's phone began ringing and he quickly answered it and started to talk into it. "She did what?" I heard him say. Then he listened for a while and shook his head. "No, you were right to call. Hold her until I can get down there, but be polite."

"Let me guess," I began. "Jenna is freaking about me being dead."

"No, there's some freaking out going on but it's not your wife," he said. "Some woman who claims to be your new personal assistant showed up for work just after we left, and got into an argument with your wife. When my men tried to make her leave, she refused to leave until she got a chance to see the body. Geez how long have you known this woman? She was far more upset about all of this than your fucking wife was."He just looked at me then as if I had done something to screw up his plan.

"Now I have to go to the station and deal with her," he said.

"Don't," I said. "I'll deal with her." He looked at me suspiciously. And then he just nodded his head.

After a few more moments of driving we pulled into the Town Square. The Courthouse and all of the other city offices including the Sherriff's station were there. I put my hat and dark glasses on and pulled my hood over my head. I kept my head down and walked into the office with the other men who were dressed like I was.

By doing all of that, I made sure that no random passer-by could recognize me, and start a rumor that I wasn't as dead as people thought.

Once inside the sheriff's office, unlike the other guys I kept my hood and glasses on.

The inside of the sheriff's headquarters was relatively small. They had a couple of cells, but Alana was inside of a locked office. She was talking to a female deputy when I looked into the room. I knocked on the door and the deputy came out to speak with me.

"How's she holding up?" I asked.

"She's really broken up about you. She's been crying since she got here. I got her to relax by telling me how she met you, and stuff like that. It's hard to believe that after only knowing someone for a few days that you could make that kind of an impression on them."

I nodded my head thinking that she'd made a mark on my life as well.

"She told me that she wishes that she'd met you before she met her asshole of an ex husband. She thinks her life would be so much better. She Uhm, told me about that foot rub you gave her." I just smiled.

Ted came over then and we went into the office. "Do you realize that you're messing up an ongoing investigation?" he yelled at her.

"Do you realize that I don't care?" she yelled just as loudly.

"If you thought for a second, you'd see that the investigation you're jeopardizing is important. We're trying to catch the people who killed your friend," shouted Ted.

"Finding out who killed him won't bring him back," she snapped.

"Exactly how is this any of your business, anyway?" asked Ted. "His wife is fine with how we're handling this..."

"That bitch isn't his wife," snapped Alana. "She may be married to him but she isn't his wife."

Ted looked at her and then at me. "Do you want to explain that to me, or should I send in the shrink?" he said.Alana sat down and started crying. Even Ted was moved by her heartfelt tears.

"She's married to him, but she doesn't really love him," she said. "Have you even seen the way she's walking around talking about how distraught she is? She's already told everyone that she can't possibly stay on the ranch because of all of the memories. It's like he hasn't even been buried yet and she's ready to sell off all of his things. That isn't love." She looked up at Ted and he nodded his head.

"I hardly know him, but I'm barely able to stand up," she sniffled. "I feel like I just want to die too. I don't understand how someone who's supposed to be his wife isn't going crazy. And then you assholes won't even let me see him. I just need to say goodbye to him. There are some things I need to tell him that I never got a chance to when he was alive."

Ted looked at me as if I was the lowest form of life on earth. I was enjoying this being dead thing too much. How often did a guy get a chance to hear what people really thought about him? Ted shook his head and left the room.

"Tell me now Al," I said softly. I took off the glasses and hood and just looked at her. She jumped up in shock and ran across the room to me. She pulled me down and kissed me. Then she stepped back, and started hitting me.

"Hey, why are you beating on me?" I asked.

"You're an asshole," she spat. "Why did you let me think that you were dead?"

"Al, a few days ago I discovered that my wife was planning on having me killed," I said. "This was the best way to draw her and the people helping her out."

"You should have told me," she said, punching me in the arm again.

"When all of this started I didn't even know you," I told her.

"Well you do now," she snorted.

"So what did you need to tell me?" I asked.

"Nothing," she snapped. "Now that you're alive, things are different. You're a lot more attractive when you're dead." She had that mouth turned up and tight. She was the cutest thing I could imagine, with her arms folded across her chest so tightly that it didn't seem possible for her to breathe.

Ted came back into the room. He stuck his head in first as if he was checking to make sure it was okay for him to come in.

"Ted we're not trying to kill each other. It's okay for you to come in," I said.

"That's not what I was expecting," he said sheepishly. "But hey, you guys are adults. I just didn't want to walk in on anything."

"Well don't worry, that's not going to happen," snapped Alana, glaring at me.

"Well alrighty then," smirked Ted. "We need to sneak you into a hotel room. Put your hood and glasses back on so no one recognizes you," he told me. Then he turned towards Alana.

"And you," he said to Alana. "I don't know why he insisted on bringing you into this. But if you tell anyone that he's still alive, besides going to jail, you could be responsible for him dying. So keep your trap shut."

"I don't care if he gets killed or not," said Alana, she was starting to cry again. "Can't he stay a little bit longer?"

"I'm definitely calling that shrink," said Ted.

"Besides you should be at work, what am I paying you for?" I asked gently.

"That big plastic bitch, that you call your wife fired me," said Alana.

"Well you're unfired," I said. "Besides she can't fire you since she didn't hire you. Our deal stands."

"Then why can't I go to the hotel with you?" she asked. "Our deal was for me to be your personal assistant. In order to assist, I have to be with the person."

"Al, I know this is going to sound really corny, but you're with me even when we're not together," I said. Her eyes got even more watery.

"Steady stomach," said Ted. "You're right, that was really corny. I thought I was going to throw up." Alana gave him an evil look and took my hand.

"Look, you can call her from the hotel. I'll get you a clean cell phone to use but we need to get the hell out of here," said Ted.

"Call me," she said as Ted and I left.

The hotel that Ted stuck me in was fairly remote. It was about 5miles outside of town, and away from all of the main roads. It was the kind of place that people go to for fishing, or to get away from it all.

As soon as I got there I called Jerry and asked him how my divorce was coming. He told me that he thought that he'd be able to get me an immediate decree, as soon as any evidence was brought before the court that Jenna was part of the attempt to murder me. I told him to bring all of the papers over for me to look at and to hang out for awhile because I was going to go crazy in the hotel alone.

"So, you're kind of taken with the crazy woman aren't you?" asked Ted. "That's why you want to rush your divorce through, isn't it?"

"Maybe," I said. "I'm not sure she feels the same way I do though."

"God damn, you're dumb," said Ted. "She cried non-stop over you until she found out you were alive. She didn't want you to leave again. And as soon as she recognized you in the room, I thought her nipples were about to shred that fucking shirt. Are you guys in junior high or something?"

Jerry got there before I could answer Ted's question. He rushed into the room. He was happier than I've ever seen him.

"So it worked huh?" he asked.

"What are you so fucking happy about?" I asked him. He immediately tried to put a sad look on his face.

"Jenna called me this morning," he said. "Can you believe that bitch wants to get together to discuss your estate? You haven't even been dead for 4 hours yet and she's trying to find out how much money she'll get. She's invited me to dinner tonight."

"Jerry you know that she's not going to get a dime, right? Why bother going?" I asked.

"Yeah," said Ted. "She's going to jail. We've already got her for conspiracy to commit murder. And she's also going down for soliciting the attempt."

"Tony you're my best friend right?" asked Jerry.

"I guess," I said slowly. I was thinking of Dave, who'd pushed me into a fucking spike filled pit for a crack at fucking Jenna.

"Well don't take this the wrong way," began Jerry. "You don't love Jenna any more do you?"

"He'll no," I spat.

"That's for sure," giggled Ted. He looked like he was about to bust a gut holding back outright belly laughs.

"Well in that case, since you don't want her anymore... and you know that I have a thing for well endowed women..." said Jerry nervously.

"I know that going to the dinner is pointless. But, I wanted to go anyway if you don't mind."

"You want to fuck Jenna don't you?" I asked. "You're going to pretend to help her get all of my fucking money just so you can get into her panties!" Jerry looked at the floor.

"Geez Tony, you're done with her. You've moved on and that bitch is built like a fucking porn star. I warned you about her from the beginning." Ted was laughing openly now. Jerry and I both glared at him and he held his hand up and tried to stop laughing.

"Well if the shoe was on the other foot, and you wanted to fuck that monster I married, I'd be fine with it," said Jerry. Ted started rolling around on the floor laughing.

"Ted what is so funny?" I asked.

"Yeah?" asked Jerry.

"Trust me, I'm waiting to see how this one ends," laughed Ted. "It's going to be priceless."

"Oh alright Jerry, have your fun," I said.

"So what's this about you falling in love with someone new?" asked Jerry. "Don't Fucking do it. You can't trust any of them. How do the rappers say it? "Bitches be crazy," You're better off just dating her and when it starts to get close, break it off and find another one."

"It took me a while to figure it out. You saw what happened to me. I ended up married to a fucking monster. And now all she tries to do is drain the fucking life out of me and bust my balls for every little thing," said Jerry. "God I wish I'd never started drinking. If it wasn't for the DNA test I couldn't even be sure the puppy was mine. And as God is my witness I'm going to be stuck with that evil bitch for the rest of my life. No other man in his right mind would ever consider marrying that fucking cow."

"Well, now that I've seen her, I can see what you're talking about," I said. Ted started laughing again. "She's pretty fucking monstrous, what made you do it."

"I was drunk out of my mind," said Jerry. "Anyway, tonight I won't be drunk. I can't wait to get my hands on those..."

"Jerry, try to fuck her at the ranch. Her mysterious friend is supposed to show up early in the morning. That way we can catch them a together and end this shit once and for all," said Ted. He was still laughing for some reason. "And you," he said looking at me. "Don't leave this fucking room until I come for you tomorrow." Just before he left the room he threw a small object to me. It was a phone. "Call your girlfriend if you get lonely." Then he started laughing again.

I sat there in the hotel room for a long time, thinking about my life. Less than a month ago I'd thought I had the world on a string. I'd taken a useless plot of land and a truly ass-brained idea and turned them into a successful business. I had a gorgeous wife who I thought I loved, and also thought that she loved me. I had a bunch of Mustangs and more than enough money to live on for the rest of my life.

I also had 2 best friends who were more like the brothers I never had.

But now looking back on it and pulling away the facade I could see that except for the money, I really didn't have much. And since money has never really mattered to me, I actually have nothing.

Even I have to admit, that eventually the bottom will fall out of the Ostrich market. Oh sure there will always be a market for the quills and feathers, and to a lesser extent the hides etc. But the market for Ostrich meat will pass and probably rather quickly. It's probably time for me to start thinking and come up with my next ass-brained idea.

As far as my cars go, I truly love them. I started out playing with Hot Wheels cars as a boy. I had over a hundred of them and at least five different tracks. Even as a boy I collected every Hot Wheels Mustang I could get my hands on. There was just something about the pony cars that clicked with me.

The car truly reminded me of the freedom that it and its iconic emblem symbolized.

There's also the fact that in this crazy world we live in, there are precious few things that don't ever go away. Even now, Chrysler brought back the Challenger and the Charger in response to the new Mustang design in 2005. More recently GM brought back the Camaro as its own response. All of those cars had been out of production for a number of years though.

Of all of the cars from the classic muscle era only the Mustang survived. Sure it's changed over the years, but it's always been basically the same. It's a small car with a big assed engine that is an absolute blast to drive. Since 1964 they've never stopped making them. That's as close to permanent as anyone can hope for. Besides that I just flat out love that car. I've never met a Mustang I didn't like.

With that being said, what about Jenna. I truly wanted to love her. In fact for a long time I thought I loved her, but maybe that was just my reaction to the fact that I thought that she loved me. Truthfully, I just wanted all of this, over with. I was more upset with the fact that Jerry wanted to fuck her, than jealous over the fact that he probably would.

He was supposed to be my best friend or one of them. It felt like he was choosing a bitch who wanted to kill me over me.

Then there was Dave, he actually tried to kill me for her. I gave him a job and a place to stay when no one else would, and this is how he repays me. I guess on some level I could understand it. After all Jenna really does look like a wet dream on two legs, but there's always been something odd about her. I guess for a number of years I just didn't see it because I was too close to her.