The Pits

"No matter what she tells you about me none of it is true," snapped Jerry.

"Jerry except for some of the personal stuff, that I have no way of ever verifying..." The female deputy laughed then. "Most of the stuff she said about you when she wasn't calling you names was pretty complimentary."

He looked shocked. "Like, she said that when you found out that she was pregnant, she never expected you to do it, but you took responsibility for what happened with the two of you, and married her. You both tried to make it work, but you were just not suited to each other."

Jerry was shocked. "But I've never heard her say anything like that," he said. "All I've ever heard from her is asshole this and asshole that. I started to think my name was asshole."

"Jerry you've never spoken very positively about Al, either," I said. "The only thing I've ever heard you call her is the monster you married. No wonder I wasn't able to figure out that she was your ex wife."

"Well that was the way I saw her," he said.

"But it's not the way I see her," I said. "I think she's beautiful. And if I get the chance I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to her." Alana squeezed my arm and snuggled into it more.

"Awww, that's the way you're supposed to treat a lady, Jerry," said the female deputy.

"Belinda, you've got a great ass," said Jerry.

"That's a start," smiled the deputy. "I love flattery."

The car stopped in front of my barn. Ted spoke into a radio and we saw several men come out of the woods and hedges around my house. The house had been surrounded all night.

I used my key and let Ted into the house. He quickly looked around my large living room and saw no one. My maid came down the stairs and Ted motioned for her to be silent and she nodded her head. We all headed for the bedroom. Ted opened the door silently and we saw a very naked Jenna curled up in the center of my king sized bed with another figure.

"Let me do this, I owe that bitch," snapped Alana.

"Get your flabby plastic ass out of my bed, you murderous cunt," yelled Alana.

Jenna woke up with her eyes as big as saucers. "Why are you here? I fired you," she said. "And what the hell do you mean your bed?"

"Well it will be mine when I get married," snapped Alana. "So you and your little boy toy there need to get out of here and head for jail."

We all noticed that the slim figure beside Jenna was trying its best to hide. Jerry walked over and pulled the sheet off. "His dick isn't any bigger than mine," he said. "In fact..."

That was when we all noticed that the figure beside Jenna was a woman. Jenna still hadn't seen me yet.

"Get out of my house, all of you, "yelled Jenna.

"Jenna Blake, you're under arrest for soliciting a murder for hire. You're also charged with conspiracy to commit murder," said Ted.

"I don't know what you're talking about," snapped Jenna. "From what I understand, one of my husband's unstable stable hands did it. I had nothing to do with it. I loved Tony, with a burning passion that will last forever."

"Don't worry about that," said Ted, keeping a straight face."They've got this cream now that will stop the burning and probably the itching too, so it may be embarrassing but it won't last forever." Jenna frowned.

"Listen to this," said Ted. He played the tape where Jenna told Dave to hurry up and kill me so they could be together.

"Dave has agreed to testify against you in exchange for a lighter sentence," said Ted. "We've also got evidence that you and your friend Sally there planned the whole thing. "

"I had nothing to do with this," said Sally. "She told me she was tired of being married to her husband and just wanted to take his money and run away together. I don't know shit about any murders.

"You lying bitch," screamed Jenna. "I can't trust any of you. The only one who's ever loved me had the misfortune to be born a fucking man. And he's dead now. He was worth more than all of you put together and that idiot Dave killed him."

"Not quite," I said, stepping forward so she could see me. "I'm still here. That's why you're not going down for murder, baby doll."

"But I don't see us as being married for too much longer. I think you've met your replacement. And of course this means that you won't be getting shit, in the divorce. If we'd grown apart, you should have just told me. It would've hurt but I'd have given you a fair settlement despite the pre-nup."

"Since you're still alive, we can work this out," said Jenna. "Maybe there's a way that all three of us can be together. I really do love you. You're the only man I've ever loved. I just need both. While we've been married, I've only been getting sex from you. And it was very good but it was only part of what I need. So after a while I just missed pussy. It became an obsession. It also took a session with Jerry to make me realize how good you really are in bed. We can get past this. I know we can." She let the sheet drop exposing her huge udders. Everyone gasped at the same time.

"No, you can't," snapped Alana. "He's mine now. So put your giant hooters away." She protectively put her arm around my waist. Jenna just started laughing.

"When you get tired of Minnie Mouse, come up and see me," she said. Alana launched herself at Jenna. I had to grab her arms and hold her back.

Ted cuffed Jenna and her lover and took them away.

"Well that explains it," said Jerry. "I was beginning to worry. No wonder she wasn't into me last night. She was a dyke all along. I should have realized it from the beginning."

"Yeah sure," said Belinda. She and Alana looked at Jerry and just laughed.

I spent the rest of the morning letting my people know that I was alive, I was back and things would be getting back to normal. I took the rest of the day off after promoting Emilio to fill Dave's job.

Jenna got 7 to 10 years. I think the thing that shocked me the most was the fact that Jenna was a lesbian or at least a bi-sexual. She'd been involved with Sally off and on for most of her life. I'd actually been supporting Sally for the last few years. Jenna had been sending her money regularly.

I still couldn't believe that she'd never loved me. She had been the one who approached me in the beginning. She was also the one who proposed to me. I guess I was just unlucky enough to be the sucker she chose as her meal ticket.

Sally and Dave each got 3 to five years. Dave wanted to talk to me and to apologize. Ted said that Dave claimed to have just been out of his mind with lust for Jenna. But I just couldn't bring myself to speak to him, because his betrayal hurt too much. Whatever happened to all of that shit about Bros before Hoes?

Another important thing I did was to meet Jerry and Alana's son. Believe it or not Jerry had never mentioned that he'd named the boy after me. We get along great. He follows me around everywhere. Jerry signed away his parental rights and I adopted him. We made it clear to Jerry that he's still going to be an important part of his son's life whenever he wants to be. But this way he just doesn't have to be unless he wants it. Jerry now has a relationship going with Belinda, that snarky female deputy.

Alana and I got married and lived happily ever after. I keep her in line with a regular regimen of foot rubs, and occasional threats to fire her.