There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 33

"I guess you haven't talked to my niece about it?"

"I didn't want to talk about anything she wouldn't understand."

I was so happy when she went for his throat. Their relationship was over.

He wanted to know why she reacted that way, and Delicious remarked, "I don't want to talk to you about anything you won't understand."

"One for the good guys. This relationship was heading downhill quickly."

Then the bastard hit a home run with the bases loaded, in the bottom of the ninth.

He asked her if he could reserve all the dances for the second half of the affair with her, so they could discuss these and other things of mutual interest. Jennifer was nodding her head like one of those dogs in the back window of a car.

Saturday we sat down and read Divine's diary, and found out how I fathered my daughter.

Sunday Jen and I were married, and the happiest years of my life began.

Monday evening, the beginning of the scientific talks that would lead to Christmas Day started, and here is where we will begin the END of this saga.

155. Wednesday, December 17^th, Nine Days Until Launch

While we were still connected to outside power, water, and sewage lines, everyone began their final checks. From the fifth floor down, every nook and cranny was nearly sterilized to get any particles of dust and dirt out of the ship before we changed to the permanent electrostatic filters.

As the fifth, and fourth floors were cleaned, they were roped off. We had 90 rooms available, and 64 of them were to be assigned. Parents with children, above the age of six were given rooms next to one another, and the rooms next to parents with children under that age were left vacant for when they grew into that age group.

We had 90 stasis units scattered on the fifth, fourth, and the third floors. We knew, even though we had birth control supplies on the ship, we would have new children to deal with in the future, and these units were a must.

It took 2 days to complete these floors.

While the fifth and fourth floors were being cleaned, Dycke's technicians were going over the exterior shell of the Good Luck with a fine tooth comb. They paid special attention to the areas where Sony put the cameras to verify they had not cracked, or left unsealed any of the plates where they were secured. It took almost a year to install this camera system, it would be a shame for them to be the cause of the failure of this mission. It took the technicians 4 ½ days to finish this humongous task.

On 19 December both the primary and the backup crew assembled on the flight deck. We simulated a normal takeoff, and crew rotation. As we rotated into the 3^rd day of the rotation, I feigned being sick and fell off my chair. Jennifer screamed, because she did not know I was acting.

We were cruising along at 4 times the speed of light when the computer printed out, "Meteorite, collision course 45 seconds. Request instructions."

Gray yelled, "What do you want us to do Captain?"

Jennifer replied, "He's sick, I don't know what we should do."

"When Even is sick, you are the captain. We have 30 seconds to live, what do you want us to do?"

"I don't know."

"Mom, we have 20 seconds to live, do something."

Jennifer remembered what you were supposed to do when you saw a tornado coming at you.

"Descend 500,000 meters, turn away from the meteorites closest approach."

"Aye captain, descend 500,000 meters, turn away from the meteorite's closest approach."

I looked up at my wife. "Don't you ever wait that long to make a decision again. If I am dead, 63 other lives depend on you thinking under pressure. I don't count, they do."

Naturally, she kicked me. "You bastard. You did this to me on purpose. You scared the hell out of me. I forgot we were on the ground and not in space."

"I hate all of you for acting so well. I will get even with you in one way or the other. However, this guy is going to have bruises all over his body when I get finished with him."

She kicked me again.

"Have you no feeling for a sick man?"

"You are going to be very sick when I get finished with you."

"I can't wait. I love the way you get even with me."

We ran through several other simulations with Jennifer as the captain, including a computer failure, and an overheating of the nuclear power plant. She responded superbly to these incidents, even though I was nibbling at her ears.

The primary crew was doing excellently, but the secondary crew still had a lot of work to do on their efficiency. I scheduled them for a full 8 hours of training on the 20^th. Screwing up in space was not acceptable.

****************

Adam asked, "What are you wearing to our wedding dear?"

"A flight suit dummy."

"You mean you're not going to be naked as you are now, or like that woman on Star Trek?"

"I know you're used to me being naked at home, but you better be prepared to see me in clothes from now on buddy, and I've never watched Star Trek. Television is a waste of time."

"Buddy, who the hell is buddy?"

"He's my 2^nd choice. He'll be the guy I'll marry just before take-off on Christmas afternoon in front of over 1000 people, if you're not on time, and with my ring. I'll just marry him instead and fly off into space."

"I think I'll spank you to find out if you remember my name."

"I think I'll give you a hard hat to see what happens when you hit the floor this time."

"It's not fair Laura. I outweigh you by 60 pounds, and you throw me around as if I was a tennis ball."

"All those years of chasing girls made you soft. I was taking self-defense lessons, and as you have felt many times, and over many parts of your body, they have paid off."

"Yes I know, but do they have to hurt so damn much. How about a shower?"

"We just came out of the shower; a nice hot invigorating shower."

"We can take a shower, without using water this time."

"Will you rub my front again?"

"I will pay special attention to your front, and then I will turn you over, and pay special attention to your rear, neck, ears and hair. When I am finished with you, you will not be able to walk."

"You didn't mention doing my legs."

"They 'cum' at no extra charge."

"How magnanimous of you."

"I love doing between your toes. The way you react tells me they are connected directly to your brain."

"It must be the way the nerve endings get attached to the spinal cord. They run up the inside of my calves and thighs, directly under vulva of my vagina to get to my coccygeal. From there they go directly to pituitary gland in my brain, which releases my endorphins, which lets them run wild. You couldn't pick a better place to play on my body."

"Wasn't there a shorter way to say you liked me to play between your toes?"

"Do you want to play with my front?"

"Desperately."

"Will you accept my long answer?"

"Positively."

"Could your answers be any shorter?"

"No."

"In that case, I think I'll let you begin."

"I think I'll have a beer first."

"If you do I can guarantee you one thing, you will not be able to have sex on December 25 through February 1. It will take that long for both your arms, and legs to come out of the casts they will be in."

"I have waited this long, what's 6 more weeks?"

"You forgot to add the pain you will be in, plus the excruciating pain I will be putting you through during the 6 weeks of your incapacitation."

"Would you like a sparkling water?"

"No, a V 8 will do."

"You don't drink those very often."

"I'm not going to drink it, I'm going to spill it on the floor to show you what your blood is going to look like if you get yourself a beer. You are the one that said you wanted to play, and got me ready. Now you want to leave me in this condition. You know how angry I get with you when you do this to me, but you insist on doing it anyhow. I hope you enjoy your beer, because you are going to work those calories off in a hurry.

However, I think I'll go for a run first, and calm down. I may not like you right now, but I don't want to kill you either. I'll see you in 3 or 4 hours."

"You've never run for 3 or 4 hours before."

"You've never gotten me this frustrated before either."

"Can we start over again?"

"I don't know, can we?"

"What are you wearing to our wedding dear?"

"A flight suit dummy."

"You mean you're... fuck this."

Adam rolled over and looked Laura in the eyes. "I'm going to kiss you, I don't want to wind up on the floor."

He kissed her, and felt her hand playing with his balls. He immediately tensed up.

"What's the matter Adam, I played with these before."

"I was hoping they were going to stay attached to me, so they could make a junior, or a juniorette one day."

"I'm hoping for that too Adam. Let's not fight so often over the things that piss me off."

"There's no beer on the ship. It would be an awful long walk for me to get one."

"An awful long, cold, walk for you to get one."

"How cold is space?"

"That's not a good question Adam. Space can burn you, or it can freeze you. Even though you experience a nominal temperature of negative 240°F, metal can reach nearly 900°F, when exposed to the sun. That's why nearly every piece of metal has a coating on it to keep it from showing.

In the deepest parts of space, it is believed, the temperature is plus 2 Kelvin. At 0° Kelvin, all molecular activity stops."

"You couldn't just say it's minus 500° out there. I had to get another long answer."

"If you ask me a question, I am going to tell you the truth. I am not going to tell you a half truth, but the whole truth, so help me God."

"What size are your breasts?"

"My right breast is 34 ½ C. My left breast is 34 ¼ B+."

"I'm going to have to pay more attention to the left breast. We have to build up its muscle tone to have it match its mate."

"Did you know your left testicle hangs lower than your right testicle? Would you like me to pull on the right testicle to make sure it matches the left?"

"Where were we before I asked you about the temperature in space?"

"You were kissing me."

"Oh yes, I remember now. Let's resume that activity, it's safer than talking, especially for me."

"Do you mean you're going to shut up for a while?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember where you said you will going to start?"

"I do."

"You're supposed to save those 2 words for the priest on Christmas day."

"I know."

"Do you think you will be able to repeat them?"

"Absolutely!"

"You do know how much pain you're going to be in if you forget to say those two words, don't you?"

"Yes.

"I thought you said you were going to shut up, and start on my front."

"Sorry."

*****************

"Mom, your dynamic duo is back!"

"Oh my goodness, she's cooking a ham and sweet potatoes. You can tell, because everything is burning."

"I heard that Rebecca, and nothing is burning. Get in here and give me a kiss."

Debbie and Rebecca ran into the kitchen and hugged their mother.

"Did you miss us mom?"

"Of course I did. Sleeping with your father every night without fear of anyone listening at our door. Walking around the house naked without fear of anyone looking at us. It's been a terrible existence."

"Do you see what I mean Deb, she's probably pregnant."

"I am pregnant and you knew that before you left."

"Then why all the playing around with dad. The Bible says you're only supposed to have sex in order to get pregnant. Once that's accomplished you're not supposed to do anything anymore."

"You keep to your version of the Bible, and I'll keep to mine. Where are your grandparents?"

"Waiting for the taxi to unload."

"Get out there and help them."

"We are, we just wanted to come in and say hello first."

From the front door they heard, "The pack animals are here."

"Joan, Sam, we were just coming out to help you."

"Don't worry Sandy, there is plenty more by the curb. Something smells good."

"That would be dinner getting ready. Go into the kitchen and get yourself something cold to drink. We will be right back with the rest of the packages."

"Carrying things this heavy, this far, is against the child labor laws. We should get paid for this."

Sam said, "You do, and very well I might add. You go to a private school, take dance lessons, tae kwon do, and play golf every week. You are going to college starting in January."

"That's not fair grandpa, we're going to miss Junior and Senior Proms."

"Okay you two, do you want to tell me what you did, or should I leave it up to your grandparents to tell me how you missed high school?"

Debbie and Rebecca shouted, "She tricked us."

"One at a time please. Rebecca you go first."

"Grandma said I had to take a three-part test to see if I should start as a freshman, or a sophomore in high school, because I was much too smart to continue in 7^th or 8^th grade. I didn't realize she lied to me until it was all over. She is as sneaky as you are, but she comes at you from different angles. It was the college aptitude test. I scored a 1580 on English, 1540 on math, and I aced the writing sample. The little bitch sitting next to me beat me. She aced math too. They knew we weren't cheating because we were in 2 separate rooms, while we were taking the exams.

Then we went through psychological tests, supposedly to see how we would do among sophomores in high school. When I finished my exam with this psychologist, she said to me, the other sophomores would run away from me.

Danni's psychologist had the same feeling."

"What did they ask you Joan when they were finished?"

"They wanted to know what their parents were like. I told him my son is a doctor, and at my daughter-in-law has a degree in psychology. I think they were getting ready for me to say that their parents were Attila the Hun, and Lucrettia Borja, because of the way they attack people verbally.

Sam told them that unless they are provoked, they are the sweetest kids you would ever want to meet. They start the University of Chicago on a Full Scholarship January 16. Look at all the money I'm saving on tuition, books, and fees. No boys will ever go near them, because they are jailbait. I will drop them off at school every morning, and pick them up at the library every evening. If they have to stay later, I can always hire one of your agents to watch over them, like a fairy god mother/father."

"That's going to put a severe cramp in your golf outings Dad."

"It's already been thought of daughter dear. Several of our neighbors have fallen in love with these 2 ruffians, and have volunteered to take care of them in our absence."

"Mom, grandma and grandpa are old, but the people he's talking about are really old. Most of them can hardly walk. We would be taking care of them, not the other way around."

"That may be true, however they have maids, and servants, plus chauffeurs to drive you to school. I don't think you will find they are not a hindrance to your education."

"Can we change our minds and go with you mom?"

"I'm sorry dear all the rooms are taken."

"You're lying just to get us to stay here with grandpa and grandma."

"Yes I am."

"Yes she is, and I won't let her change her mind."

"Dad!"

"Hello brats, how are you?"

"We're going to the University of Chicago next month."

"You're going on a field trip?"

"We're going as freshman."

"When did all this happen?"

"Your mom tricked us."

"Didn't I tell you to watch out for her?"

"We did, but she was really sneaky about this one."

"Let me say hello, and then hide behind a wall before she gets me to commit to something I don't want to do."

Joe walked over to his mother, kissed her on both cheeks, and told her he's leaving on 25 December.

He hugged his father, and asked him if his mother was holding up a little doll, and sticking pins into it.

Sam laughed. "Joseph, she doesn't need dolls anymore. All she has to do is think about it and it's done. How do you think your girls skipped high school?"

"I have no idea, but I'm sure I'll find out."

Deborah yelled out, "It's my turn to tell the story."

She did, nearly word for word the way Rebecca did.

"You are something else mom. How and when did you think all of this up?"

"Your father wanted them tested to see what their IQs were. I thought it was a waste of time, because I knew they were extremely smart. I set up this private test with the College Board with a little stipend to sweeten the pot. They thought I was crazy, and the kids would blow the test. When the 1^st two parts came through their computer, they thought it was a mistake, and ran it through again. The computer verified their scores, and then they went to the writing samples. They were given two different subject matters to write about, and both of these innocent children were given the maximum score. Joseph they ate this test alive, and when their scores were shown to Northwestern, the University of Chicago, and the Loyola University, they all offered full scholarships. They chose Loyola, your mother and I chose the University of Chicago. You will never guess who won."

"That's another thing dad, at least with mom we could negotiate, and come up with reasonable terms. With your mom and dad, they listen to us intently, tell us our arguments are very cogent and well thought out, and then they tell us what we are going to do. It's not fair."

"There's another problem Joseph, the girls are already shooting in the low 90s. They've been playing golf for 2 months. Granted there playing from the ladies tees, but when they get on the greens, they are deadly. I have a 6 handicap. By this summer, they may pass me up, and I will kill them both."

"If you kill them dad, you'll be in jail, and mom will get all the money. The girls will lose their full scholarships, and your 6 handicap goes out the window. No more trips to South Florida, Palm Springs, Hawaii, and Bermuda. All because 2 girls have lower handicaps than you do. All you have to do is blame it on age, a bad back, or arthritic knees. I'll write you a note declaring all these maladies, including your lack of mental acuity."

"As long as you leave that last part out, I'll accept that note."

Joan laughed. "What are you going to say about my 3 handicap Sam?"

"You keep moving the ball, and I have pictures to prove it."

"I always have a judge standing next to me when I move the ball one club length out of the hazard. You conveniently leave him out of the picture."

Sandy asked the girls if the University of Chicago had a theater program.

"Yes they do, but what are they going to do with dwarfs like us?"

"If you want to get into the program, I think you would be perfect. Both of you can sing, and God knows you can act. See the director of the theater program, and ask him. If he thinks he can work you in to the program, he'll give you an audition. If not, he'll tell you. I'll guarantee you he'll put your names down and keep you in mind if they're going to do Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

"Mom, we don't want to be fairies. As we walk around the campus, everyone will say, 'There go the fairies."

Joan asked, "Is there anything you two haven't read?"

"Mom asked us not to read anything 'X' rated. She can't put a block on a computer that we can't undo in half the time it takes her to do it. However, when she asks us not to do something, we won't do it."

"What else did she ask you not to do that you won't do?"

"She asked us not to jump in front of the moving car, jump out of an airplane without a parachute, put your hand over an open flame, or get in the way of a moving bullet. We thought these were all very good ideas."