There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 33

Joseph laughed. "Are you still wondering why they got a full scholarship to the University of Chicago mom?"

"No Joseph, I'm amazed they made it to 10 and 11 years old, with ideas like that drilled into their heads."

"Grandma, if we got in the way of a moving bullet, you would have to spend some of your money on our funerals.

Grandpa would have to spread our ashes on the 9^th green, because he always double bogies that hole.

The police would always wonder why 2 children, our age, would walk in front of a moving bullet, when their grandparents just received a huge amount of money for their care. You would constantly be under suspicion, until the district attorney would file charges against you. Any jury, listening to the amount of money you would receive if we were deceased, would find you guilty. The state would take the money, and you would be wearing prison stripes for the rest of your life. I don't think orange and green are your colors."

"Can you see why they aced the writing portion of the SAT Joseph? You give them a kernel of information to work with, and within moments you have a full ear of corn. They are both amazing young women, and they are a credit to both of you."

"We should have given them to your parents 10 years ago Joseph. It would have been an extremely exciting adventure for them watching these 2 grow up. My ulcers will attest to it."

Deborah said, "You don't have ulcers yet."

"Does that mean you're saving them for your grandparents?"

"Not for grandma, but when I shoot a 68, grandpa is going to rue the day he forced us to play golf."

"I hate you both. You're not even playing with good clubs yet, and you're shooting in the 90s. I should have my head examined."

"Are you sure you don't want me to add that last line on your note dad?"

"Be quiet Joseph, you're lucky you studied all the time, or I would have wrapped a club around your neck."

"I took the easy way out dad. It helped me get great grades. I never had to walk miles chasing after a little white ball, and never got angry, when I missed a 2 foot putt."

"Dinner is ready. Everyone sit down at the table, except my 2 girls. You two can help me serve."

"Why is it always us? Are we slave labor? Are we the lowest part of the totem pole? Are we the ones that are kicked off airplanes because they are full? Are we the ones that are not allowed on roller coasters, because we don't reach the height requirements? Are we the ones that go to the Super Bowl only to find out that our tickets are frauds? Are we?"

Their grandparents, and parents yelled, "Yes!"

Rebecca said, "Well that answers those questions."

Dinner was a raucous affair, talking about the fears of going to college, without high school experience. The amount of time they would have to spend in the library as opposed to the time they spent in the classroom, and allotting time to have fun on campus. College was a fun experience, but it was also a demanding one, and they would have to discuss many things with their professors to make sure they were going to give him/her exactly what he wanted. There is no doubt they could do the work, but it was the format they wanted it in that was important.

When dinner was over, Rebecca said, "Don't tell me, we have to clean the table. It's all part of the growing up experience, or the slave labor contract."

"Thank you Rebecca, we were going to do it, but since you volunteered, you and your sister can do it for us."

"Volunteered my..."

"Watch your mouth young lady."

"Yes dad, sorry about that."

"You may begin cleaning the table, and you are forgiven."

"Thanks dad."

"Come on Deborah, we can get this done in 5 minutes."

"How did I get involved in this? You volunteered not me."

Rebecca whispered in her sister's ear, "If you want to remain a virgin, you will help me clean the kitchen. If you don't clean the kitchen one of these nights, I will take that pink thing that you're hiding, and shove it up your pussy to make you scream and bleed. Are we on the same page now?"

"How did you find out about my little toy?"

"When was the last time you could try to hide something from me?"

"Never."

"Where did you get it and where can I get one?"

"I already bought you one. I knew you would find out about mine."

"Where is mine?"

"It's in the pocket of your jean shorts."

"It's too cold to wear jean shorts."

"That's why it's in the pocket of your jean shorts."

"You sneaky bitch. Why didn't you hide yours in there?"

"I knew you would smell me on it. You have a nose like a bloodhound."

"I don't hear dishes moving in there."

"Debbie and I are talking. We will get to the dishes in a moment."

"Are you saying I have a big nose?"

"No, our noses are exactly the same, but we are so use to each other's smells we can pick them up from one room to another. We can even sense when one of us is troubled, or happy. We are as close as twins, and I wouldn't change it for the world."

"Neither would I, except for the pimple on your nose."

"I don't have a pimple on my nose, you're just trying to rile me up. I'll take my little friend, lubricate it, and shove it up your ass for saying that to me."

"That sounds interesting, let me think about that, and I'll get back to you."

"You would even consider something like that?"

"Why not, all the books we've read told us there are so many ways to have sex, and that is the 5^rd most popular. Masturbation is first. Hand jobs are second. Oral is third. Vaginal Intercourse is fourth, and Anal is fifth. We've done the 1^st two, and the 3^rd one is a long way away."

"It better be, or I'll break both your necks."

"This was a private conversation mom."

"I was wondering why dishes weren't being moved, and I came in here to find out why. I was not snooping on your conversation, but I'm glad I came in at the last moment. I won't mention it to anyone, but that last part had better be many years from now. I will come back and haunt both of you if it's not."

"Can we ask you a personal question?"

"I should have stayed in the living room, because I know what's coming. Go ahead, I'm going to shoot myself."

"How old were you when you gave your 1^st blow job?"

"Please God strike me dead right now. You're not supposed to tell your children things like this, but I promise never to lie to you two."

"Come on dear, tell them about our 1^st time together and how wonderful it was."

"So help me God Joseph, I'm going to kill you."

"Would you like me to tell them, or do you want to continue?"

"Mom's first time was with you dad?"

"This may sound old-fashioned to you two, but we have been our only sexual partners. We were both virgins when we met, and we have never cheated on one another.

Your mother's 1^st blow job, as you put it, was an exciting experience for both of us. After I recovered, I went between your mother's legs and returned the favor. We still had not had intercourse, but we were working up to it.

"You didn't answer our question mom. How old were you when all this happened."

"I was a freshman in college, and I was 18 years old."

"18, you were a late bloomer mom."

"I wasn't looking for sex, I was looking for love. I found it. I lost it, and I was lucky enough to get it back."

"When did you lose it mom?"

"I couldn't figure out what to get your dad for his birthday, so I gave him me. I was 19 years old, and your father was..., your father was wonderful."

"Your mother was no slouch either. We made love all night long. I made her breakfast in bed the next morning, because she was so tender and loving. I knew before that moment we were meant for each other, but the look on her face that morning, made me by her ring."

"A gift for a gift, not a bad trade dad."

"There is a bad part to this story."

"What's that dad?"

"We got you two, and the table is still dirty."

"Why do we always get picked on Debbie? We are having an intellectual conversation, and they still find a way to pick on us. We must make sure they get on that bubble and leave."

"You are going to miss us terribly."

"Don't worry mom, grandma and grandpa will torture us with that daily."

"Can we join this group? It seems all the action is in here, and we were getting lonely in the living room. Why is the table still dirty?"

"To quote my daughter's dad, we are having an intellectual conversation."

"That's right grandpa, we just found out when my mother gave her..."

"One more word young lady and your jaw will be broken."

"This is not fair. I have useful information to impart, and I am restricted from saying it."

"Shall we talk about little pink objects Deborah?"

"I thought you didn't hear that part?"

"A little bird told me. We will discuss that later. We will discuss many things later."

Joan said, "Sandi I think I should sit in on this. I am her mother for all intents and purposes. I better know what's going on."

"No mom she can't know this."

"Yes girls, she has to know this. She is your mother, and you are growing up. It's nothing to be ashamed of, all women do it, even those that deny it. Clean up the kitchen, then we will going to the bedroom and discuss everything."

Deborah said, "I don't like this mom. I'm not going to be comfortable talking in front of grandma about sex."

"You better get comfortable talking to me about sex. I'm going to be the only one available to you to speak about it. If you get your information from the kids at the corner, you're going to wind up pregnant, or with some disease that can't be cured. Don't be afraid of me. I'm not going to chastise you. I'm going to help you grow up into smart young ladies. Come on, I will help you clear the table."

"No grandma, it's our job, we will do it."

*************

156. Ears, Knows, & Throwed

With cushions attached to the cranes long cables, the Mickey Mouse ears were lowered to their 90° positions. They couldn't be lowered under their own power, because their gears were designed to work only in zero gravity. If we use them in 1G, they would break.

We sounded the alert horns to make sure no one was in the test area. We were going to turn on every diagnostic tool, simultaneously, on both ears.

We knew we were going to kill some birds, and probably some animals who were in the area, but there was nothing we could do about it. However, for 3 miles straight ahead of us, we made sure no human being was present.

All our test markers were set in different areas of the exclusion zone, and all posts reported the area was clear. This test would take a total of 15 seconds, and the horns would sound continuously during it.

This was Gray's department, and he was in complete control.

"Nuclear engine to 5%."

"Nuclear engine is at 5%."

"Angle on all instruments negative 2 degrees."

"Computer verifies instrument panel negative 2 degrees."

"All instruments are green and ready for the test."

"Computer agrees."

"Set computer for 15 seconds."

"Computer set for 15 seconds."

"On my mark: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, execute."

On the outside of the ship you couldn't see, or hear any difference. You just didn't want to stand in front of these extremely expensive instruments at this time. Your body would be toast, because of the electromagnetic energy that would be flowing through it.

"The computer indicates shut down."

"Shutdown is confirmed."

"Print out everything and let's see how the instruments reacted."

The computer's initial printout gave each instrument perfect power readings, and information return. As it continued to digest the information it received during the short test, everything continued down the perfect optimum green line. The test was a 100% winner, and Gray didn't like it. No initial test is supposed to come out perfect. There is always supposed to be a glitch somewhere. He called downstairs and said they were going to run through it one more time.

Everyone returned to their positions, the three-mile exclusion zone was cleared, Gray started the countdown, and the computer ran the test for 15 seconds. Gray scanned the readouts again, and they were exactly the same.

He called downstairs once again, and told a technician to disconnect the cable to the Pulse Radar Array. When he was done, they would run the test one more time.

The cable was disconnected, the range was cleared, the horn sounded, the test was run again, and the computer printed out the results. In bold red letters it said, "Radar System Port Side Inoperable."

Gray shouted, "Bitch."

The computer printed out, "Prick."

Gray screamed at the print out. "Teddy, Newton, I'm going to kill both of you."

Gordon said with a smile on his face, "Maybe Zoey and I shouldn't have children."

"The way you two have been going at it, if that girl is not pregnant already, I think everyone in the pool has lost."

"You guys have been betting on us?"

"You two are a sure thing. I think the pool is at $28,000."

"You better give everyone their money back, because Zoey is still taking the pill. She doesn't want to take a chance of reverting back to who she was before we met. If it means we can't have children, we won't have children."

"Maybe she can try, while we are in space. Everyone will help her, because we will be a very close-knit community."

"We will see how it goes Gray, and take it from there."

"I have to look at the rest of the printouts, why don't you see what room your wife is hiding in."

"She's rotating the turkey eggs. They have to be turned at least once a day."

"Zoey knows where they are?"

"Several people know where they are. I couldn't possibly do this on my own. Monty watches me like a hawk."

"If I swear on my children not to say where the eggs are, will you tell me?"

"I know I shouldn't do this, because you are going to laugh every time you see Monty, and she is going to want to know why."

"Please Gordon, now I have to know. I won't tell a soul, not even my wife."

"Okay, the eggs are in the security office, on the engineering deck. The supplies are in Monty's shower. She is going to be assigned a room on the fifth floor."

"How do you know?"

"I asked my dad to set it up."

Gray tried to hold it in. He tried very hard, but when he couldn't hold it in any longer, he ran off the flight deck and into the auditorium and began laughing. He laughed, until he started crying. His brother-in-law was still 5 years old, and the smartest person he ever knew. Where was the only place you would never look; right underneath your nose.

Agents were in and out of the security office 24 hours a day. They took care of their business, but the forms in the file cabinet and went on their rounds. No one sat there, it was just a room to keep notes, file forms, and log in and out. There wasn't even a chair in there, just a desk, and the filing cabinet. He wondered if the eggs were in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet.

When he returned to the flight deck Gordon asked him if he was feeling better.

"I am feeling much better thank you. I have to go over these reports now. If my wife and 2 children are outside, would you have her send them up here, so I can kill them?"

"Why, just because the computer called you a prick?"

"Has a computer ever called you a prick before?"

"Not recently, but my dad told me all about Teddy talking to the computer, and trying to give it a sense of humor. It seems your children have been successful."

"Why couldn't they cure the common cold, instead of giving the computer a sense of humor?"

"I think the computer talking back to you was much more fun. Scientists have been working on the common cold for over 200 years, but it keeps mutating. Every time we think we have it, it changes, so we hit it with a bigger hammer, and then a bigger hammer. Pretty soon we won't be able to pick up the hammer.

We are going to have to slowly wean ourselves off the high-powered drugs we've become used to, and become more self-sufficient, like the Quechuas (Kich-ua) people of southern Peru. They have no access to modern medicine, yet they don't contract polio, diabetes, or the other dread diseases we have had to fight. They only use locally grown herbs to cure whatever ails them. They live rugged lives, but they live into their 70s and 80s. The only time they get one of our diseases is when one of our anthropological teams goes down there to study them. They spread every disease we have to the people down there. We should just leave them alone, and mind our own business."

"Is there anything you don't know Gordon?"

"I must admit since I've met and fallen in love with Zoey, I have fallen far behind in my readings. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to work, train, read, and be with my wife. I love being with my wife."

"You're supposed to love being with your wife Gordon. It's the reason you married her. Once we leave the Earth, and we get into a normal rotation, everything will calm down, and you will have time for everything."

"You are correct Dr. Thyme. I have his father's permission to break him in half once we are in space."

"In half or in quarters I can still lean over you to train you Monty."

"I will break your jaw to make sure you can't speak."

"I will have turkeys running around this spaceship, until the end of time."

"You would have to start with one, and there are none on this spaceship."

"If you say so, oh majestic one."

"Dr. Thyme, does he have turkeys on this spaceship?"

"The last person on earth he would tell would be me Monty. You know what a big mouth I have."

"That's why I asked you."

"Two more days Monty, and my birth certificate will be here from Switzerland."

"You better put mustard, ketchup, salt and pepper on it Gordon, because you're going to be eating it."

"What am I going to do with the other thousand copies I'm having printed, and the pictures of it I will be putting in the Fort Worth News, the Dallas Times, and the Houston Chronicle?"

"The hell with the Bishop, I have to kill you."

"You can't do anything until we are in space."

"Sometimes I hate your father."

"He likes you. He's never done anything to hurt you. It must be your menses time."

"That's it, you don't need your legs to fly a spaceship."

Gordon was off and running, and Monty was on his heels.

I walked on the flight deck and asked Gray what my son did to Monty this time.

"Even, it would be much easier for me to tell you what he didn't do to get her riled up than what he didn't do. I'm surprised she's only going after his legs, and not his spinal cord."

I yelled, "Gordon get over here."

"As you can see dad, I'm a little busy right now."

"What did you do to Monty today?"

"Nothing terrible, I told her my new birth certificate from Switzerland was due in 2 days. She told me to be prepared to eat it. I asked her what I was supposed to do with the thousand I'm having printed, and the 3 I am having emblazoned in the area newspapers. She said she was going to kill me, and I told her she couldn't do that until we were in space. That's when she told me she hated you, and I didn't like that remark at all. I told her my father likes you, and he hasn't done anything to hurt you.

By the way she was acting, I thought it must be a medical reason. I said to her "It must be your menses time, and suddenly, she got very angry with me."

"You have no idea why she would've gotten angry with you do you?"

"No I don't. All I know is that when its Zoey's time, she gets hypersensitive, and very testy. That's the way Monty was acting today."