Waking Up With a Monster

"Mom, please tell me she's lying," said Lila. "This is some sort of joke right. Is this some sort of sorority hazing thing?"

I wrapped my arms around Lila who was nearly hysterical. "Baby girl, don't worry about this," I said. "Your job is to take care of your classes and your grades. Make some new friends and learn as much as you can. I want you to have a great foundation. You can be anything you want Honey. Now is where you start. I love you Lila, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Mark, we need to talk about this," said Katherine. Ten minutes prior to that, I'd have laid down my life for her, but I found myself disgusted by the sight of her. And she knew it.

"I'm going home," I hissed. "You can ride back to the house with me or not it's your choice. But after that...we're done!"

She looked at me with the stupidest expression on her face. It was as if she couldn't imagine me not wanting to have anything else to do with her. I hugged my daughter and told her to call me every day. When Katherine reached for her, Lila moved away.

"You always have taken your father's side in every disagreement," Katherine said. Then she ran to catch up to me. The first hour of the drive was silent. There were several times when Katherine tried to start a conversation, but I was in no mood to talk to her.

"Mark you have to talk to me at some point," she said when we were about halfway home. "Maybe you hate me now, despite the way I feel about you. But Mark, you've always been a reasonable person. So can we just talk about this?" I didn't say anything and she took that as a yes.

"The least you could do was to disagree with me when I said that you hate me," she said. Since that didn't get a reaction, she continued to talk. "Mark, I'm not defending what I did. I was totally wrong. I betrayed you and our marriage vows. But Mark, it was eighteen years ago." She looked at me and I saw the tears in her eyes.

I was so used to comforting her when she was upset or when she cried that I almost pulled the car over and hugged her.

"Mark you're not going to understand this, but I had a mental break down at the time. I think they call it post-partum depression. In the space of two years I went from being a carefree single woman who was fresh out of college to a married woman with a baby. I felt myself being swallowed up by the whole thing. I felt like I was drowning. I just needed to have my own space. And honey you were and are an awesome father. Our daughter loves you. The two of you were fine without me. And once my depression ended, I broke it off. I've spent the last eighteen years doing my best to make you happy. I believe that eighteen years of happiness trumps a few months of mental illness. It never happened again, Mark. I know you're angry. I know you're hurt. But we love each other and we have a daughter together. It was one mistake Honey."

"You claim it was one mistake," I hissed. "That mistake lasted for months. And it smells like bullshit to me. If you were depressed because you suddenly had a family that included a husband who loved you and a baby daughter, why the fuck would you have an affair with another man, who also had a young daughter. That's like jumping from the frying pan and into another fucking frying pan. The only difference is that you don't own the second frying pan. Most people try to find something different from what they have. I think you're lying." I stared at her and she dropped her head.

Living with Kath for almost twenty years and taught me a lot of things about her. One of those things was, knowing when she was lying.

"I also don't believe that this one was the only affair you ever had," I said.

"I swear to you that I never did anything like this at any other time," she said. "You and Lila are special to me. I'd never risk our marriage again, Mark. I learned my lesson the first time."

Once again she looked everywhere except for my eyes as she said it. "Katherine, this morning I really thought I was one of the luckiest men on the planet. I thought I had a wife who loved me, a daughter who was happy, healthy and at the beginning of her life and the car of my dreams. Now all I have is the car. My wife is a lying cheater. My daughter is no longer healthy or happy after finding out that her mother abandoned her regularly for no other reason than to fuck some other guy and spend time playing mommy to another little girl. And I can't trust you as far as I can throw your cheating ass. Just from listening to you talk, I know you did this more than once. You may as well come clean because now that I know, I'm going to find out everything and if you're lying to me, we're done."

"Mark stop being dramatic," she said. "You love me."

"That doesn't mean that I can't live without you," I said. "We both went to college. We will both survive. I'll pay you a very fair settlement. We'll sell the house and split the money fifty-fifty. Then you can go out and fuck as many guys as you want. It'll be better because you won't be tied down. You can go out and become as big a whore as you need to be."

"Mark, I already told you it only happened once. And it was eighteen years ago. I also told you it was a mistake. We are not getting a divorce over this. Do you realize how stupid you sound? Lila is finally out of the house. We can discover each other all over again. We can travel. We can walk around the house naked. We don't have to worry about Lila hearing us or catching us. I love you, Honey and I'm sorry. If I could take it back I would. But I think a divorce is far too extreme a punishment."

"Karen, what punishment would you consider fair?" I asked.

"Personally, I don't think there needs to be any punishment," she said. "We're adults. I've admitted my mistake. Let's move on."

"You have rocks in your fucking head," I spat, far more venomously than I intended.

"So, other than the divorce, what would you consider fair?" she asked. "I know men. I suppose you want to go out and screw some tramp for a while to make me suffer. And then for the rest of our lives, I'll catch you thinking about her sometimes and realize that it was my fault."

"Apparently you neither love me, nor do you really know me after all of this time," I said sadly. "If you loved me, the thought of me having sex with some other woman would almost kill you. You'd feel as bad and as upset about it as I do after hearing about you fucking that girl's father. If you can even suggest that, as if it's somehow acceptable or fair, you don't know me. And if you knew me, you'd also realize that just going out and having sex who some woman that I have no feelings for is nowhere near worth the pain I'm going through right now." She nodded.

"That's right, Honey," she said. "That's the same way I feel about it. What I did eighteen years ago was just sex. It is nowhere near what we do. I love you Mark. No one could take your place. As the years have gone on, my love for you has only grown."

"So you say," I told her. "But I really can't believe a word that comes out of your fucking mouth. I just don't know you anymore, Katherine. I thought I did. And I guess I loved the woman I thought I had married. But now in the cold light of day, I don't think I love the woman you turned out to be."

"Now who has rocks in their head?" she laughed. "You don't know how not to love me, Mark. You'll sulk for a few days and then things will go back to normal."

When we got to the house, I got out of the car. "Mark, aren't you going to put your Mustang in the garage?" she asked. "You know if you get dust on that car you're going to spend three or four hours washing and waxing it. That's three or four hours that we could put to better use. If you know what I mean."

I didn't say a word. I just unlocked the door and went inside the house. Once inside, I went up to our bedroom and then out again. I walked two doors down and looked into Lila's room. As usual it was a mess. It still smelled like the raspberry cocoa that she drank every morning and every evening before she went to bed. There were still piles of discarded clothing and old notebooks strewn all over.

I smiled as I caught a glimpse of the spot on the wall where we measured her height every month until she decided that she was tall enough and we didn't need to do it anymore.

"I miss her too," said Katherine from behind me. "But she can't stay a baby forever, Mark. She has to move forward in her life. And we have to take advantage of our opportunities as well. Remember how we talked about how terrible it is for some people who have lots of kids. By the time their kids are grown, they're too old to do anything. Well, Honey we hit the jackpot. We did our duty to the human race. Our daughter is a beautiful, intelligent, strong young woman who will make her contribution to society. And in the meantime you and I are still young enough to travel, the way we talked about when we first got together.

We can spend the next few years seeing everything in the world that we want to see and then sit back and grow old together while we raise our healthy, fat grandkids. I really like the travel idea. I wish I could just pack a bag right now and just go. And actually I can, Honey. You're the one with the job. And you could if you wanted to. You have so much vacation time stored up that you could take four or five months off, but you won't. You love that hospital."

I went into the hall closet and pulled out a couple of suitcases. I started throwing clothes and running gear into one. I went into the bathroom and grabbed my shaving kit and toiletries. I put more clothes and some underwear into another suitcase. Then I grabbed my long duffle bag out of the closet. I threw a bunch of shoes and lots of scrubs into the duffle bag. I grabbed my iPad and nestled it carefully inside of a rolled up set of scrubs and pulled the string tight.

"Stop joking, Mark," laughed Katherine. "As much as I would love for us to do it, we're not going on vacation. You're not that spontaneous. But thanks for the laugh. Now back in the real world, I seem to remember promising my husband that I was going to suck the skin off of a part of his anatomy and..."

I threw the strap from the duffle bag over one shoulder and picked up the two suitcases. Katherine had already dropped to her knees. She looked up at me on surprise. "Mark, what are you doing?" she whined.

"Kath, we have a lot of things to fix. I'm seriously not sure that they can be fixed. I still think that you're lying to me. I just have the feeling that you're still hiding something. I just don't trust you anymore. It's hard to love someone when you don't feel you can trust them with your heart or your happiness. I really need some time to think about this," I said.

"Why can't you think here?" she asked angrily. "We can't fix things if you're not here. And if you don't trust me, now do you know that I won't go out and screw some guy while you're not here?"

"I don't actually," I said. "And realistically, you're an adult. You can do whatever you want to do. But right now, we're hanging on by a thread. Anymore lies or anything else could break that thread. And once I make up my mind, we're over. I'm not abandoning you, Katherine. You have my cell phone number. I'm going to check into a hotel until I figure out what I want to do. I'll call you in a few days and we'll talk. So you need to figure out exactly what you want me to know."

"I want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry and that it won't happen again," she said.

"Well, I guess that's a good start," I said. "I'll call you in a few days."

With Katherine's voice pleading in the background for me not to go, I grabbed my bags and left the house. I was barely able to force the two suitcases into the Mustang's trunk. The duffle bag had to go on the back seat.

I checked into a mid level hotel downtown near the hospital I worked in. I spent the first evening eating room service food, watching crappy movies and wondering where I went wrong.

Most of the people I knew considered me a pretty smart guy. So why did I feel so stupid? Why did I feel like I had wasted most of my life? But as I reconsidered it, I realized that despite all of the bullshit that I had yet to wade through, some good had come of it. There was no way I could ever consider Lila a mistake.

As I went to sleep, or tried to, the loneliness really set in. But every time I thought about how I missed Katherine, I remembered the lies. I also remembered that I still had no idea of the extent of them.

I woke up the next morning and called Lila. She seemed as usual to be a ball of conflicting emotions. I could pick out happiness at hearing from me, sadness, and excitement all at the same time.

"I know that you have a lot to do, Honey," I said. "And it's a Saturday so I'm sure you have plans for the evening. But I need a favor and I want to take you to lunch."

"Okay, Daddy," she said.

"Don't you want to know what the favor is?" I asked.

"Do you want me to kick mom's ass?" she asked.

"No," I said sadly. "But I would like you to find that woman from yesterday and bring her to lunch with you. I'd kind of like to talk to her."

"No problem, Daddy," she beamed. "After yesterday, Brina kind of appointed herself my on-campus older sister. I'll call her and invite her. I'm sure she'll come, especially with free food available."

I ate breakfast in the hotel's cafeteria. While sipping my coffee, my cell phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw that it was Katherine.

"I've thought about several ways to make things up to you," she said.

"You were supposed to be thinking about telling me the truth," I said.

"You already know the truth," she said. "I went a little crazy after Lila was born and did something I shouldn't have. I already told you that I was sorry and that it would never happen again. What more do you want?"

"Katherine, I lived with you and loved you for twenty years. I think I know when you're lying. And when you said that you had never done it again since then, you were lying," I said. The conversation died then.

"See what I mean," I said. "Even now you can't tell me the truth. I don't think we have much future left, Katherine."

"Mark, you're being unfair. You're asking me to hang myself. I've been a good wife to you, you know it. Why can't we just agree that I fucked up and put it in the past? Mark, we're starting an entirely new phase of our lives now. Let's just start fresh and leave the past in the past," she said. Again the silence on the line was deafening.

"Mark, when are you coming home?" she asked.

"Whenever you're ready to start being honest with me," I said. Then I hung up the phone, chugged the rest of my rapidly cooling coffee and left the cafeteria.

I pulled up in front of Lila's dorm just before noon. A lot of the guys at the college looked over my car as I parked it. I called Lila and she came down and escorted me up to her room. Any hope that being in college had matured Lila, went out the window when I saw her room. It looked surprisingly like her room at home.

"I'm still in the moving in process, Daddy," she said, when she was me looking at the clutter.

"Well I guess you've been moving into your room back home for eighteen years then," I quipped.

We walked over a couple of dorm buildings and collected Brina.

Brina folded her incredibly long legs into the Mustang's back seat. Both girls chattered away like cheerful birds during the drive downtown. I had found the restaurant using an app on my iPhone that found the best restaurants in any city.

I wondered how the girls would ever stay as slim as they both were, with the way that they put away food. After lunch I drove Lila back to her dorm and promised to stay in touch with her. I was surprised when I realized that neither of us had mentioned her mother even once.

As Lila got out and went into her building, Brina got into the front seat. As she sat down her skirt rose, revealing nearly all of her long tanned legs. Brina was tall and lanky, with thick glasses and out of fashion clothes but her legs were first class.

"Well that answers that question," she smiled.

"Was there a question?" I asked. She just smiled. It was an awkward looking grimace that showed teeth. Somehow her face just didn't match those legs.

"I was wondering why you asked me along to this lunch date," she said. "But from the way you were staring at my legs..."

"Bah Bah but..." I stuttered.

"So you want to see my butt too," she said. She immediately began lifting the hem of her skirt even further.

"Hold on Brina," I managed to spurt.

"Oh, don't worry," she smirked. "I'm not going to argue with you. If you want to see me naked, it's fine with me. Of course, I'd rather wait until we get to my apartment but you're in charge baby. I'm going to give you my number though, so next time we don't have to go through Lila."

"Brina..." I tried to get her to stop. She pulled the skirt up around her waist and started trying to shinny out of her panties.

"I never thought that my first time would be in a car," she gushed.

"Uh, Brina, this isn't going to be your first time," I said.

"Yes, it is," she said. "I'm a virgin. You'll see that in a few minutes."

"Brina, what I meant was...you're a beautiful young woman. You don't want to waste something so special on an old man like me," I said.

"So...you don't want me?" she asked with her eyes tearing up. "It's my tits...they're too small, right?"

"Brina, your breasts are fine..." I said.

"But you kept making eye contact with me all through lunch. You told Lila to bring me to the lunch because..." she began.

"Brina, I was looking at you because I wanted to make a good impression. I...I need something from you. I need to get in touch with your father. You talked about how upset he was about what happened with Katherine. I'd kind of like to compare notes. I'm feeling the same way that he was right now," I said.

"Here's my phone number," she said. "I'll call my dad and talk to him. I want to make sure it's okay with him first."

"That's reasonable," I said.

"Oh, shit!" she said suddenly. "You're feeling the same way my daddy was. No wonder you don't want to do anything right now. I should have been thinking. You just aren't interested in women right now. I'll give you a couple of weeks before I try again."

She kissed me on the cheek and got out of the car. I watched those long legs churning up the pavement for a second. She turned and caught me. She blew me a kiss and waved, before going into her building.

She was one messed up young woman.

The drive back to my hotel took a lot longer. Maybe it was because I was lost in thought. But maybe it was because I just didn't feel like I had anything to go home to.

* * * * * *

Katherine

For at least the fiftieth time, I tried calling Mark's cell phone. I couldn't believe my life was falling apart. Over the course of twenty years I had made a few mistakes, but hadn't everyone. At least I was willing to admit to mine and try to make up for them. Mark was being unrealistic. The phone rang and rang and finally went to voice mail. I tried calling Lila. I had called her a few times during the morning as well. The first time she told me that she'd just awoken and would call me back later. The second time she told me that she was busy and would call me back later.

This time she answered the phone. The sound of her voice told me that she was happy about something.

"Hi mom," she said.

"Lila, I need you to do something for me," I said. "I need you to call your father and tell him..."

"Daddy just left," she said. "He took me to lunch."

The two of them had always been close. So it made sense that if Mark was feeling down, that he'd go to her. Life was funny. Growing up, Lila was purely a daddy's girl. But that was probably my fault. I guess in the early years I'd been a terrible mother. Like Mark recently found out, I had cheated on him shortly after Lila was born.