Who Knew?

"So do I have to send Josh a copy of this disc?" he asked. I started crying because I knew that if Josh ever saw that video our marriage would be over.

That was how I got started fucking Sonny. I later found out that the reason why Sonny had started on me was because misery loves company. His wife, who also starred in a lot of his amateur porn videos, had left him for one of her co-stars. Sonny really had loved her and so he wanted to make everyone as miserable as he was. He picked me because every other girl that worked for him was already willing to fuck him for a few dollars more in their check.

Over the next few weeks Sonny went through a lot of lube because he became obsessed with fucking me. I never once returned the feeling. Sonny would get on top of me and just pound the shit out of me trying to get a reaction. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I would stare straight ahead and refuse to move or make a sound. He told me it was like fucking a mannequin. He really wasn't enjoying it but he wouldn't stop and let me think that I'd won.

He still called me Tasti. And again I didn't mind it because that way no one knew anything about my real life. I called him Pushme-Pullyou after the character in the Dr. Doolittle movies.

"Why the fuck do you call me that?" he asked me.

"Because in the movie Push me-Pullyou had two heads that were the same but faced in opposite directions," I said. He was the same coming or going just in reverse. And I hate fucking you and at the same time I fucking hate you." He looked at me and saw the undisguised hatred I felt for him.

"Sonny one day, you're going to regret making me have sex with you. You're going to know that it was the worst mistake you ever made." He could tell that I was really serious.

"Well it ain't going to be today Toots," he said. "Get up on the table."

Sonny was in my pussy, balls deep when the ham-like fist smashed into his face. He was knocked out of me and onto the floor with such force that neither, he or I realized what was going on. The next thing I knew Sonny was being picked up off of the floor and flung bodily across the room. He was screaming like a girl until he hit the sharp edge of a file cabinet and went quiet. Our two older security men came running into the room with a bunch of the girls behind them. The first guy, Harry, told Josh to stop or he'd kill Sonny. The other guy ran to call the police. Josh punched Harry in the face so hard that he broke Harry's glasses and his nose and Harry couldn't open his jaw for days. Rick, one of the men who worked with Josh came into the room and grabbed him before Josh could resume kicking Sonny's motionless body. Sonny was jerking like a rag doll every time Josh kicked him. There were body parts that shouldn't move that were moving and Sonny wasn't making any sounds at all.

"Josh," stop it," screamed Rick. "Why are you doing this?"

"I don't know," said Josh. He looked directly at me and said, "She's not worth it." I'd seen Josh in every mood he was capable of expressing. I knew that man better than his own mother did, but I had never seen the despair and desolation on his face like I did that day. It was as if he just had nothing else to live for. It was like he was standing on the edge of a cliff. He wasn't trying to decide whether or not to jump. He was only trying to decide whether to jump upwards or out.

I knew then that it was over between us and that I'd never be the same. Every emotion in me all came out at once in a long mournful moan. Josh reached into my purse and took the keys to his car and walked out of the room and out of my life.

"The police are on the way," said the other security guard who'd just gotten back. "Call 911 again and tell them to bring two ambulances," said one of the girls.

Rick who remembered me from meeting me at our house once or twice came over to me. "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name," he said. "Why are you here?"

"Rick, are you still friends with Josh?" I asked. He nodded.

"Then when the police come don't tell them anything. Don't tell them that you came in here with him. And don't tell them that you know him," I said. "Please, can you do that for me and for him?"

"Of course," he said.

"Rick, can you take me home after talking to the police or whatever?" I asked. "I'd kind of like to know how he came to be here, but we can't talk about it now."

I felt bad, but not as bad as I thought I would. I was clinging to the faintest of hopes. Why the hell was my Josh in a massage parlor? Maybe that was why he'd freaked out. If he was about to do what he caught me doing, maybe we could both forgive each other. Maybe he'd forgive me if I had a chance to explain the circumstances of what I'd done. I'd done it for both of us. And I'd never enjoyed any of it. I'd actually hated having sex with Sonny and I hadn't done anything with him that I hadn't done with Josh.

The police came and took statements from everyone. No one had really seen anything. Arlene, the Asian woman who worked the counter had been away from the front when Rick and Josh came in. she hadn't seen anything. By the time she got out of the bathroom it was all over and Josh was gone. None of the girls had seen Josh clearly enough to identify him and they were afraid to as well. I lied my ass off, saying I couldn't describe him either. That left only Sonny, and he was barely clinging to life.

Rick did drive me home, but it was worse than I thought. Josh, my Josh had almost been killed that morning on the construction site. They were working a new building. It was going to be a supermarket so luckily it wasn't very tall. A new crane operator was so busy watching the air conditioning unit he was trying to move to the roof that he wasn't paying attention to the men around the building. The three ton unit knocked several men including Josh off of the building. Two of them were hospitalized. Josh being young, strong and wiry wasn't badly hurt but he did complain of soreness in his upper back and right shoulder as the day went on. His boss was a frequent customer of a massage parlor and told Rick to take him there. Rick brought him to our place because he lived near here and could go home and surprise his wife. Rick, however, was the one who got the surprise.

My problems had only gotten worse. I'd assumed that Josh was coming to the massage parlor for something that I should have known he'd never do. Now, because of me, Josh might end up in jail or worse. Topping it off was the fact that Josh had caught me doing something that I never should have done. There was no way he'd ever forgive me. I slowly walked up the stairs to our apartment. I opened the door and looked around. It didn't look like Josh was home yet. I decided to grab a shower and clean myself up so at least I'd look good for him when he arrived. Maybe if I was lucky he'd let me explain. Josh was, and still is, the only man I've ever really loved. There is no way out of that for me. I can't simply choose not to love him anymore. My love for him has no off switch.

When I got out of the shower I started to put on one of his shirts like I always do, but I decided that under the circumstances maybe that wasn't a good thing. I put on my robe and sat down on the couch so I'd be the first thing he saw when he walked in.

After the first few hours were over, I stopped crying and started to clean up the apartment. I had the idea that even though Josh wasn't a drinker maybe he was going out to get drunk. I hoped that he'd still be sober enough for us to talk when he came in but I didn't care. I just knew that I needed to explain this all to him and get him to forgive me. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him. When I got done cleaning I pulled the phone over and sat back down on the couch. I jumped up and ran to our bedroom and realized that while most of his clothes were still there, several of his favorite items of clothing were missing. His cameras were also gone. I went into shock.

I sat down on the couch and stared at the door until I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I looked at the phone. There were several messages but none of them were from Josh. I was sure that he'd have to come back to get the rest of his clothes. I was afraid to leave the room. I had an idea in my head that if I left. Josh would run in and grab his clothes and leave before I could get back.

I decided that I'd rather die than miss my chance to explain and try to make things up with him. I understand now that I was being totally irrational, but when you love someone the way that I love Josh and think that you might lose them, you'll do anything to get them back.

After sitting there on the couch staring at the door overnight, I needed to go to the bathroom badly, but I didn't move; I just sat there until I couldn't hold it anymore and then I pissed all over myself and the couch. A few hours later the contents of my bowels joined the piss. I wouldn't move. I wouldn't get up to eat or drink or do anything else. I was waiting for Josh. No matter what it took, I would not let him down again. While I sat there on the couch, I was waiting for Josh. My rational brain had simply shut down. To me the longer I waited, the more that he'd see how sorry I was. The longer I sat there in my accumulated shit and piss and tears, the more he'd see how worthy of him I was.

As usual when I was really down, it was Josh who rescued me. This time he didn't do it directly but he did it through others. When Josh left he was gone for good. He'd filed for divorce the very next morning. His boss who was sympathetic to his plight had gotten the company's lawyer to file the divorce for Josh at no expense. Of course I wouldn't find that out until later. So any way, there I was sitting on the couch staring intently at the door. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in over two days and the whole room stank like you'd imagine it did.

Josh, in his sorrow, had turned to his parents. They, in turn, turned to my family and, before you knew it, my brother and one of my sisters arrived at the door to our apartment along with my Aunt Sally. My dad wasn't feeling well and my other sister didn't give a damn about me. I could hear them outside the door and they called me but since they weren't Josh my brain refused to even acknowledge their presence.

They knocked on the door and called to me both aloud and on the phone I heard it ring and looked down at it, but again it didn't matter. I just wanted them to go away and leave me to my mission. Didn't they understand that the only way I'd get my husband back was to prove my worthiness? A short time later they were back with the apartment manager who let them in. My brother stepped into the apartment and stepped immediately back out as the odor of nearly three days of accumulated shit, piss and whatever else I sat in hit him in the face with both barrels.

My aunt braved the room next and looked at me but I couldn't be bothered to avert my eyes. At first since I wasn't moving they thought that I was dead. My Aunt waved her hand in front of my eyes several times to see if I'd react. When I didn't, she put her ear to my chest and found that my heart was still beating. Her standing in front of me blocked my view of the door and I reacted violently, knocking her to the floor. "Stay out of my way, Dammit!" I screamed. "I can't see the doorway. What if Josh comes home?"

"Honey, you have to let us help you," said my Aunt Sally. "Brianna, Josh is never coming back. You hurt him too badly; he's gone. The families -- both his and ours -- loaned him some money to start over. No one knows where he's gone, but your father is very sure that he won't be back. "

"Daddy spoke to Josh?" I snapped. "Where is Daddy? He has to tell me everything Josh said. Maybe we can find him."

"Brianna, what the hell did you do?" asked my sister. "Did you try to poison him with one of your noxious hamburgers?"

My aunt forced me into the shower and cleaned me up. The sofa was a total loss, so my brother and sister dragged it out of the apartment and into the alley behind the building. Later, my aunt made soup for me and I immediately vomited it right back up. Aunt Sally took care of me like I was a baby for the next three days, while my brother and sister returned home the morning after they arrived. Finally, Sally was able to get me to talk about what had happened on the fourth day.

Though when I told her what had happened, she stood up and looked at me as if she was seeing me for the first time.

"You did what?" she asked. It was as if time suddenly stood still. My aunt, who since my junior year of high school had stepped in and literally become my mother, looked at me as if I'd attempted to kill a puppy in front of her. I guess I'd expected her to just gloss over the facts and move on to making me feel better. Wasn't that why she came? I started to ask her what Josh had told her, but she cut me off before I could even say a word.

"Brianna, let me get this straight," she snapped. Her voice was colder than I'd ever heard it. The temperature in the room got colder every time her mouth uttered a sound, while at the same time the heat coming off of her was palpable. She took several deep breaths. I could see the veins in her forehead actually expanding as blood filled them. "The man who has loved you for longer than I can even remember, the one you followed around like a puppy dog, the first person who even sensed what you could become and loved you when you were still that skinny frizzy-haired..., the man who goes hungry so you can stuff your fat ass, you didn't cheat on him Brianna, did you?"

"Of course I didn't cheat on him," I snapped. "I'd never do that, not in a million years. I just had sex with someone else."

She shook her head. "I don't know what that poor boy saw in you. You have to be the stupidest woman on the planet." She walked out of the room.

"Aunt Sally," I yelled after her.

"Leave me alone, Brianna," she replied from the other room.

After a while I heard her talking in the phone. "Yeah, we were dead wrong. This is way worse than we thought," she said. "You told me that you were loaning him the money because you thought that he loved Brianna enough to come around someday. You thought that the responsibility of living on their own was just too much for them and they were fighting so he wanted to have some space for a while. You figured that after a while he'd miss her too much to stay away from her and they'd get back together, right? Well you can chuck all of that shit out of the window."

I couldn't hear what my dad was saying.

"Shit, Dave, I'll bet he didn't tell them what's going on with the two of them either. Josh has never been able to say one bad thing about Brianna, so he probably just kept it to himself. I, above all people, should have known what was going on. That boy would never leave Brianna; why were we so stupid. You said it yourself he looked like death warmed over."

I wished I could hear what my dad was saying but I could barely hear my aunt.

"Yeah, Dave, there is a reason for him to leave your daughter: she cheated on him. Apparently while Josh was working his ass off to pay the rent on this dive they live in she was..."

"Don't get mad at me. I wasn't here during all of that. I got here three days ago. I don't know all of the details but I feel like wringing her fucking neck. You know that I am probably the worst person in the world for her right now. I had to leave the room to keep from knocking the shit out of her and she's always been my favorite. Whatever. I'm going to calm down so I can go back in and talk to her. Yeah, either I'll or we'll be home in a couple of days."

I heard her pacing the floor and trying to regain her composure. Finally she came back into the room with me.

"Brianna, how did you feel about Josh?" she asked me.

"Aunt Sally, that's a really stupid question," I said. My aunt was not exactly a svelte athletic woman, but she moved so fast I never saw it coming. My cheek was still stinging from her slap when my senses returned to somewhat normal.

"I love him more than life itself," I said tentatively.

"No," she said. "That's how he feels about you. You can see it in everything he's done since you guys met. What I want to know is: how you feel about him?"

"But I told you," I said slowly. "I love him every bit as much as he loves me." I told her the entire story. I started back when we first got the apartment even though she knew most of that already. I talked about how I first started working in the massage parlor and everything else up until she'd come to help me. She just looked at me and shook her head.

"Brianna, do you understand just how badly you've hurt that man?" she asked.

"Aunt Sally, I don't understand what the big deal is. Sonny told me that his wife had sex with other people all the time. It didn't mean that she loved him any less. It just meant that her body had needs and she let someone else fill those needs."

She stared at me like I was a fucking Martian. "Isn't Sonny the guy who blackmailed you and fucked you? Isn't he the one who pretty much ended your marriage? And didn't his wife love him so much that she ran off with another guy and left him so miserable that he took it out on you? If he loved her so damned much why did he just start fucking you instead of trying to get her back?"

They were all really good questions.

"I didn't want to have sex with him," I whined. "I didn't enjoy it. I told you how I just lay there like a lump, hoping he'd quit. I really didn't have a choice, Aunt Sally."

"You always had a choice," she snapped viciously. "You should never have gone to work in that pit in the first place. That was a choice. When they expected you to take your clothes off, that was a choice. Do you really think that Josh would have wanted you parading around naked in front of other men? Did you ever tell him where you were working?"

"No," I said slowly.

"And in the end," she snapped. "The biggest mistake ever...was to let anyone in that place touch you. You broke -- no, you destroyed -- your marriage vows then, Brianna. From the first time you let that man con you into having sex with him, God damn you were stupid."

"But Sonny said, that sex and love are different," I said. "He said that there's nothing special about having sex and..."

"There's nothing special about sex to HIM," she snapped. "You tell me, stupid: was there a difference between you fucking Sonny and what you and Josh did?" I couldn't even look at her. I just nodded my head and started crying again.

"Maybe you should come home for a while and be with your family," she said.

"Fuck that, Aunt Sally," I shouted. "I have to find my husband. Where is he?"

"WE DON'T KNOW!" she screamed. "And the last person he wants to see right now, is you. Imagine it: for you, it's a case where you had choices and just continually made the wrong ones. You had to sit through having some guy who had no respect for you sticking his slimy dick in your little pooter, but you had a choice. Josh worshipped the ground you walked on. He put you on the highest pedestal they make and watched you drunkenly fall into a pile of shit. You were his first and only love. You were the standard that he compared other women to. He will not get over this. From now on he will never look at women the same way. For every dog out there, for every misogynist, there's a bitch who done him wrong."

Aunt Sally and I left that same day. We drove all the way back to the small town that Josh and I had grown up in. People around town greeted me warmly. I hadn't been expecting that; I guess I was expecting to be treated like the whore of Babylon. Small-town folk could be overly pious and extremely zealous in their vilification of people. Even when I spoke to my in-laws, there was no condemnation. My husband's mother and father greeted me like their daughter, instead of their daughter in-law. I even got the impression that they were a bit pissed at Josh.