Who Knew?

"That one was pretty mild," I said. "The first time I saw you have one of those it scared the shit out of me." I remembered the time Cherry had a seizure in the middle of one of her performances. It was awful; she couldn't control her body and fell to the floor thrashing about uncontrollably. The audience thought that it was part of her act at first and some of them laughed. The entire club went deathly silent, though, as they realized what had happened. Cherry had recovered from it and then bravely got back to her feet did a couple more moves to a standing ovation and then left the stage.

"That wasn't a seizure," she said. "Sometimes they start and don't happen. I've gotten to the point where I recognize the feeling I get just before they hit. I move to a soft quiet place and take my pill and just relax. Sometimes they don't happen, sometimes they still do but they're a lot milder when I'm ready for them. The pills help too." I nodded my head and she turned and stared at me.

"Okay, tell me the whole story," she said.

I told her everything starting with when Josh and I met and ending with everything I'd been doing since we broke up. When I finished she just sat there staring at me with her mouth open. She clearly didn't know what to say.

"Tasti...Brianna, uhm...you know I love you, right?" she began. "But honey, you fucked up, and pretty fucking badly."

"It doesn't matter," I snapped. "I'm going to get him back. It doesn't matter if it's tomorrow, next week, or the week after we turn fifty. My life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon."

"Honey, every time you make a movie where you're fucking some other guy, you're making it worse. You had the perfect guy and you screwed around on him. I think that this is bad on two fronts: first there's the fact that the woman he loved since he was a little boy went to work in a place like that. We both know that he'd never have wanted you to do that. I mean come on, Brianna, this is a guy who went hungry at times so you could eat. He obviously loved you, and no man wants to see his woman parading around naked in front of other guys; at least not any man that's worth being with." I nodded at her. I knew that she was right.

"I think that if he'd found out you were working there before anything happened, the two of you could have worked it out. But once he caught you screwing Sonny, there was no going back. I mean maybe it might someday have been possible if enough time had passed and the two of you still loved each other. But now, with you screwing everything with a swinging dick, I just don't see it ever happening. Then you have to face the fact even if you did run into him somewhere, once he found out all the things you've done, he'd never want to be with you again."

I sat there and listened to her. I was stunned. I realized that she was right and I started crying. "Cherry, I'm only doing this for him," I cried. "That was the reason I started doing the movies in the first place, because I needed money for an investigator to find him. I've been paying them so much money for years and they haven't found a trace of him," I babbled.

"Bri, there's a couple of other things you need to think about too," she said. "What's worse than all of the sex and you working in a massage parlor is..." she began.

"What could be worse than that?" I asked. "He's going to think that I'm a whore, when I just did it to make money for us because I love him so much."

"Honey, you don't understand men at all. This is worse than you being a whore. Under the right circumstances, like you tying him up and making him sit down and listen to you, he could forgive a whore. He could forgive the sex, especially if he really loved you. But what you did is beyond sex."

"What are you talking about now, Cherry?" I asked. I couldn't see anything worse than what I'd done.

"Bri, the sex can be explained away. Men are such fragile little creatures emotionally. All you really have to do is make him believe that none of the men you've screwed ever made you feel the way that he does and half of your battle is over. Then you go more into why you started doing it in the first place and the two of you are back together. It will take some time for him to become comfortable with you again. And it will take even more time for him to want to have sex with you, but you have to be patient. And all of that is IF and I do mean IF, you can get past what the real problem is."

"Cherry, I still don't get it," I said. "What else is there?"

"Brianna, the two of you lived in a shitty little apartment, barely paying the bills. You weren't doing that by choice. You were doing it because you wanted to be together. You were doing the best you could while you waited for his career to take off. He was working at it, right? You said that he was working two jobs and taking photography classes at the same time, right? He was busting his ass trying to make it for both of you, right?"

"Yes Cherry," I snapped. "You're right about all of that. But I fail to see why that's worse than the sex."

"Oh it's worse, because you took the kind of job that said you didn't have enough faith in him to support you. It said that you didn't believe in him or in his dream; and Bri, to a man, especially one with principles, that's far worse. It's almost like you ripped his heart out twice."

"But, I didn't want to rip it out at all," I whined. "I love him."

"Oh yeah," she said. "You love him so much that you had to go fuck other guys to fulfill your needs because he wasn't capable of doing it."

"That isn't true," I snapped. "Even the guys I'm with in the films don't hold a candle to Josh and they're professionals."

"Yeah but, he wasn't ever going to be good enough to support you, so he can't have been much of a man," she laughed. I almost hit her.

"Fuck you, Cherry, "I snapped. "I always knew that Josh was going to successful as a photographer. I'd have bet my life on it. And in the end it didn't really matter because even if all he ever became was a good hobby camera nut, it would have been enough for me. All I ever wanted was to be with him, you idiot. I love him."

"Okay," she smiled. "You've convinced me. Now all we have to do is convince him." I looked at her and my mouth dropped open.

After that day Cherry and I concentrated on plans to get close to Josh. It wasn't easy. Josh had two careers going. He was very in-demand for photographing models and fashion shows, but he also did corporate ads and photos for all types of events. He was almost as famous as the stars he photographed. Cherry showed me all kinds of things about Josh. She showed me photos of Josh at the Super bowl, sitting with a famous actor. She showed me pictures of Josh at a party with an actress who'd gotten nominated for an Oscar. For a while now everyone had wondered why Josh hadn't settled down with someone and gotten married. Then suddenly Josh met Elena Gornakovski, who is probably the world's biggest supermodel, and the next thing anyone knew, they were an item.

"Do you know how they got together?" asked Cherry. I shook my head. "Do you know why they got together?" she asked. I shook my head again.

"Because he's still in love with you," she snapped. "She looks just like you. She's just a little bit prettier, a little bit taller, a little bit thinner and she has no tits. But other than that, she's you or a reasonable copy. He still hasn't gotten over you. I'll bet you any amount of money that if we got the two of you together, he'd dump the copy for the original in a heartbeat."

Cherry did have me pumped up. For the next few weeks we tried everything we could think of to get an appointment with Josh or to show up somewhere that he'd be. On the surface it should have been easy. After all we were part of the entertainment industry too, so we should have been able to swing it. But porn has always been something that is just universally looked down on. Even the people who buy it or make it aren't proud of it. How many guys do you know who actually display their collections of porn movies out in the open where everyone can see them?

"Thanksgiving," screamed Cherry one morning. "Next week is Thanksgiving. Josh is into that whole family trip. He has to go home for Thanksgiving." I realized that she was right.

I called my Aunt at home to see what the family would be doing. "Who is this?" she asked.

"It's Brianna, Aunt Sally," I said quietly. Her whole demeanor changed. She went from sounding cheerful and happy, to polite and sad, with a note of coldness thrown in.

"It's been a while," she said. "I didn't recognize your voice. So what do you want, Brianna?"

"I was thinking about coming home for Thanksgiving," I said.

"Brianna, I don't think that's a very good idea," she said. "I'm not sure you know this, but a lot of people around town have seen or heard about your, um, movies. Your sisters and your brother have had a rough time because of them. It's been hard on them. Deep down, Brianna, I'm sure they still love you, but I'm just not sure that this would be a good time..."

"But Aunt Sally, I just wanted to..." I began.

"Brianna, your brother has guys walking up to him all the time asking him if he ever fucked his sister. He's gotten into so many fights over it that he had to move out of town. He only comes to visit on the weekends, now. It took him years to find a woman who'd even give him a chance, because all of the girls around here think he's some kind of pervert. Your sister, Tina, had to move out of the state after she lost her teaching job. Most of the school district didn't want her teaching their kids because they thought that she had to be like you too."

"I'm sorry Aunt Sally," I said. "I had no idea...What about Josh's family?"

"Well, Josh is kind of a hero. He's here a lot," she began. "He divorced the whore. He also paid for a new gym for the high school. He comes back and talks to the kids often. All of the boys love it when he brings his girlfriend with him. She's really nice. She's not what you'd expect from a supermodel. She sits down and talks to all of the girls in the school like she was one of them."

"Aunt Sally, I didn't ask you if Josh was famous or anything about his God damned girlfriend. I asked you about him and his family," I snapped.

"Okay, Brianna," she snapped. "Josh is fucking miserable. All of the light has gone out of his eyes. Maybe the people who see him on TV can't tell. But to people who know him, it's like all of the life has been sucked out of him. I'm not sure he'll ever get over what you did to him, but at least he's trying. And Brianna, if you love that man at all -- if you ever did love him -- stay away from him. Give him a chance to heal and move on."

I slammed the phone down and just erupted crying. I had ruined everything for all of the people I loved. My brother and sisters didn't want to have anything to do with me. I'd ruined their lives and their careers. Josh was miserable and the town I'd grown up in considered me a whore. I'd never asked for any of that.

I wasn't going to give up. If Josh wasn't happy with me out of his life, maybe having me back in it would make him feel better. Cherry and I drove home Thanksgiving morning. I wasn't going home but I was going somewhere that I thought I'd be welcomed. I stopped off and bought a big festive Thanksgiving bouquet for his mom. I'd always liked her and she'd always loved me. She was one of the few people that I'd had a chance to explain my side of things to.

It was a very crisp and chilly morning when Cherry and I bounced up the steps to the old house. I heard the sound of laughter coming from inside as I knocked on the door. After a few moments the smile I put on vanished as she opened the door. I was looking at Elena Gornakovski in the flesh.

"Yes?" she said, smiling. Her eyes were very intelligent as she scanned me up and down.

I was awestruck. Seeing the woman on television or in pictures didn't do her justice. She was indeed taller than me and definitely much prettier than me. In person I don't think anyone cared that my boobs were bigger. Everything else about her was perfect. She almost glowed. Her skin was alive and seemed to have an inner resonance that normal skin just didn't have.

"You're her, aren't you?" she asked in heavily accented English. She smiled again and this time it wasn't the sweet cheerful morning smile she'd had before. There were a lot more teeth in it and she'd thrown her shoulders back. It was almost as if she was laughing at me.

"Mom, we have a problem," she said stepping away from the door. The bitch didn't even invite me in. She left Cherry and I standing there in the early morning chill. In a few moments the cheerful face of my ex mother in law filled the doorway. As soon as she saw me, her expression darkened. "Brianna," she said. She reached out to hug me and said hello to Cherry.

"Hi Mrs. McVay," I said. She looked at me curiously.

"When did you stop calling me mom?" she asked. "Brianna, I've never lost hope. I've never given up on you. Of course those awful movies of yours didn't make it easy. I had pretty much convinced Josh to call you when someone in town saw the first one on the internet. Ever since then Josh simply won't even talk about you. If someone mentions your name he gets depressed. Brianna, I still have hope for you and Josh, but you need to give him some time. Luckily, he's out at the lake with his father right now, they're..."

"Looking for wild berries for your famous stuffing?" I interrupted her. She nodded. A big tear rolled down my cheek and she grabbed me and hugged me.

"I won't stop hoping," she said. "And I won't stop working on him, but you need to help me too. And for God's sake stop making those awful movies. Did you ever think of what it does to a man to see the woman he loves do that? How would you feel if you ever saw him with another woman?"

"But he's..." she shook her head.

"They haven't done it yet. Josh hasn't touched another woman since you left. She's the first one he's even dated and there's just something fake about her. But trust me, she's working on him. If it was up to her, they'd be married already. I think she's smart enough to know that a few years from now, her modeling career will be over and she doesn't have much else to offer anyone. Remember what I said, Brianna." I turned and walked back to my car. I was getting in the car just as a jeep pulled into the long driveway. The driver slammed on the brakes and I saw Josh get out of the car and stare at us as I drove away. For the briefest instant, I was sure that he knew that I was in the car. But he couldn't have.

That day had been another strong blow to my already weakened sanity. Cherry took me out to a restaurant for an early Thanksgiving dinner. Then I went to a club with her to watch her perform. Men were such assholes. The club was packed on Thanksgiving night. Most of those bastards had probably left the table after eating and celebrating with their families to come out here and stare at a bunch of naked women.

I was sitting at a table in the VIP section. It was dark there but I still had a few guys come over to the table to ask for an autograph. It always made my skin crawl. As I politely signed their programs or cards I couldn't help but notice the way they looked at me. Most of these guys were assuming that, given the right motivation or situation, I'd just lie down and fuck them, right there. Some were very disappointed when it didn't happen.

"Five hundred dollars," said one guy after I'd signed his menu.

"Huh?" I asked in surprise.

"I'll give you five hundred dollars, right here in cash," he said. The bouncer heard the shock in my voice and came over.

"Is this guy bothering you Tasti?" he asked.

"How the fuck am I bothering that whore?" screamed the guy. "I just offered her five hundred bucks for a fuck. She isn't fucking anybody right now, so it's better than nothing. Besides if you've ever seen any of her movies, she really isn't that good a fuck. She doesn't even move. She just lies there, pretending to be asleep, while guys fuck her. Have you ever seen a woman who could sleep through a guy shoving his dick up her ass? The really crazy shit is when she sleeps through getting double penetrated..." the guy didn't have a chance to say anything else because the bouncer grabbed him off of his feet and dragged him through the club before throwing him out the door.

"That guy was full of shit," said the bouncer.

"He was actually right," I said. "I've never had sex willingly with anyone except for my husband. The things I did in the movies were only to get money to find him."

"Um, sure," said the bouncer. I could tell from the little smile he was trying to conceal that he didn't believe me either. I guess the whole world thought that I was a whore. People I didn't even know looked down on me. But somehow no one thought badly of Cherry at all. After her shows there were long lines of people who wanted to get an autograph from her or take a picture with her. I wondered what the difference was.

Why was Cherry a celebrity and I just a whore? Cherry didn't dance totally nude. She'd occasionally take off her bra but no one had ever seen her pussy. And all Cherry did was dance. Sure her dances were erotic and arousing, but no one ever touched her. I guess that made Cherry an entertainer and me just a whore.

The next day things were different. Sonny called and told me that we needed to shoot a few new scenes so we could get them packaged and on the shelves in time for the Christmas rush. "Sonny I need to see you," I said.

An hour later he was pushed into the living room of my apartment by his newest assistant.

"What's up Tasti," he asked.

"Over the past 3 years, how much of my money has been spent on Private Investigators?" I asked.

"Jeezus ," he said. "I don't have exact figures."

"Sonny, except for what I live on, all of my money has been spent trying to find my husband," I snapped. "Come up with a fucking number."

"Okay it's about...You get five grand a film. I give you a grand and keep four for the PI's. You do two films a month so about eight grand a month. So eight times thirty six is about two eighty eight," he said.

"So I've been living like a college student. I'm stuck in this rat trap apartment. I have no savings. I don't even own a car, while two hundred and eighty eight thousand dollars of money I've earned has been spent trying to find my husband, right?"

"Well yeah," he said.

"Sonny, what did you do with my fucking money?" I screamed.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Sonny, my husband is the biggest, most famous photographer in the world. He's all over TV and movies and fashion magazines. He has billboards. He's also a famous art photographer. He has pictures in museums and galleries all over the world. You can buy prints of his pictures on the internet for Christ's sake. He's engaged to a fucking supermodel, but your investigators haven't been able to find him in three years," I screamed.

"How did you...?" he began.

"All I did was turned on the fucking TV, and there he was!" I screamed.

"Brianna, I..." he mumbled.

"You what?" I asked. "You're going to give me my fucking money back first. Then you're going to tell me why."

"I don't have the money," he said. "I can give you maybe a hundred grand but that's all I have. Jeezus Tasti, I didn't mean to cheat you but, shit, the guy didn't want to have anything to do with you. I thought that in time you'd get over him. Everybody gets over their first love. You're fucking all of those pro porno studs. What does this guy have?"

"He has my heart, Sonny, and he always will."

"I just thought that if you found this guy you'd give up making movies and we were doing so well, Tasti. I didn't want to kill the golden goose," he said.