Who Knew?

"Look, why don't we just talk about all of that stuff after we get you well," he said. I could tell that there was something he wasn't telling me. It was like he was holding something back.

"Josh, ever since we were kids we've told each other everything. What's the deal?" I asked.

Cherry picked that time to come in. "All taken care of," she said to Josh.

"Hey, Cherry," I said smiling.

"My God you look different," she said.

"Yeah I know," I said. "I look like shit. But come on I'm still recovering from major surgery and treatment."

"No Honey," she said. "You look great. I'm your best friend and I've never seen you like this. You're smiling. I've never seen you smile before."

"I think you know why," I said. "So what's taken care of?"

"Um, Josh had me do a few things," she smiled.

"I didn't know that you knew Josh," I said. "Does he know about the crush you have on him?" Cherry blushed and looked away.

"I wanted to get you out of that rat trap you were living in," said Josh. "I paid off your lease and gave the keys back."

"What about all of my stuff?" I asked.

"I had Cherry buy you all new stuff," he said. "I honestly don't know what you did with all of the money you must've been making."

"I spent all of the money, or most of it paying private investigators to find you, Josh," I said. "That was the only reason I did any of that stuff." Things got really quiet then. I could tell that once again I'd said the wrong thing.

"Well, how did you and Cherry meet?" I asked trying to change the subject. They both started laughing.

"How do you think that I found out that you were in the hospital?" asked Josh. "Cherry contacted everyone that she knew trying to find someone who could put her in touch with me. It took a very long chain of people, but she knew a guy who worked in one of the places she performs who went to photo school with one of my techs. She called him and got him to get me to call her. I finally called her just to get him off of my back. I thought she was a fan and wanted an autograph or a print of one of my pictures or something. When she told me about you, I flew straight home."

"And lost your fiancé in the process," I said. He looked at the floor.

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be," I said smiling. "Maybe you were meant to be with someone else."

"I'm becoming more sure of that every day," smiled Josh.

I moved into Josh's huge house about a week later. Josh waited on me hand and foot. He never allowed his staff to do anything for me. He changed my bandages himself. He reminded me of and gave me my meds and he rarely left my side. If he had to work, then Cherry stayed with me. Sometimes the three of us did things together.

Eight weeks to the day after my surgery, I had my reconstructive procedure done. My new boobs were the same size as my old ones. Josh and I had talked about them endlessly. I'd asked him all kinds of questions about what kinds of breasts he liked. I'd asked him if he wanted them bigger, or smaller. I asked him how he wanted them shaped and he just told me that I was the one who'd be carrying them, so I needed to decide for myself.

When I thought about it, I decided to make then almost exactly the same. In terms of size they were the same. I wore the exact same bras that I'd always worn. The temptation to go to a bigger size like Cherry's breasts was real, but I decided that Josh liked them the way they'd been before so there was no need to change anything.

I can still remember the day that most of the scarring had faded. I burst into Josh's room topless and shook my boobs in front of him. I pushed him down on his bed and rubbed my boobs on his chest and even in his face. Josh turned red and I could feel his dick pressing itself into my stomach. That got me really wet. I had on a pair of tight yellow shorts and after a few minutes my panties were soaked and there was a visible wet spot on the shorts.

Josh rolled over and stood up. "You should probably go and change," he said. He left the room quickly. That was the moment that I realized that I still had a lot of work to do. It had been nearly six months since Josh and I got back together and he hadn't so much as kissed me or copped a feel, let alone tried to have sex with me. There was also the problem of our status. When I mentioned it to my therapist, she told me not to push it.

She knew the entire history of my relationship with Josh and told me that trying to push him too hard would be a mistake. She in cases of divorce that were caused by infidelity it could take years for a couple to work out their issues. In a case as convoluted as ours, I should be glad that he was even talking to me again. Pushing him could definitely mess up all of the progress we'd made.

It took about another month for me to start messing things up. Over all of the time that we'd spent together, I'd begun to feel like I was Josh's wife again. I mean I lived in his big-ass house with him, we went out together often and we also stayed in together. We got along great and I loved him as much as I always had. I was sure that it was time to start taking baby steps towards getting us back where we were.

Most men whether they're married or living with a woman, or just involved in a long term relationship with her know certain things about that woman. They know for instance, that if they want to get laid they have to get their woman in the mood. There are a lot of ways to do that and every woman is different, but if they get her in the mood and then get her aroused, they'll usually get what they want. On the other hand, if their woman meets them at the door wearing nothing but a smile or some other outfit that shows a lot of skin, then they know that they're even luckier because they don't even have to work for it. They can just lay back and take it.

Josh and I were watching a movie together when it all went out the window. I guess I'd been thinking about how things were with us in the old days. We just couldn't make it through a movie in one sitting. We always wanted each other. So there we were sitting on his big comfy sofa and suddenly only one thing mattered. You can call it a hot flash or whatever you need, but I wanted Josh more than I ever had before. I wrapped my arms around him and yanked him over to me. I kissed him full on the mouth and tried to force my tongue down his throat.

Josh pushed himself away from me. "Brianna, have you gone crazy?" he asked.

"Josh, I'm fully recovered," I said. "I'm a healthy young woman and I'm in a romantic mood."

"Sorry," he said. "Instead of watching this movie together maybe you should go out and meet someone to take care of your needs." The mood vanished in an instant. I realized then that I'd fucked up yet again.

"Josh, what the fuck are you talking about?" I snapped. "I'm never going to have sex with any man except you."

"Then you'd better start screwing women," he said. He was getting up and getting ready to leave.

"Josh, please don't walk away from me," I said calmly. "Can't we talk about this?"

He sat back down.

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said. "Maybe I was having a flashback to before all of that happened. But it's not my fault. I've loved you for most of my life. So we were watching that movie and all of a sudden I just needed to have you in me. All of my medical problems are gone. You've even been able to go back to work and Cherry, is on tour. Everything is perfect. I guess in my mind, we've already moved past all of this. But in the real world we still have a lot to work through." He nodded.

"I guess we may as well start talking about all of this and get through it," I said. "A lot of it isn't going to be pleasant, but the sooner we start, the sooner we're back where we should be."

"Where should we be?" he asked. "I thought that we were fine. As you said all of your medical problems are solved. You can take all of the time you need to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life."

"You already know what I want to do with the rest of my life," I snapped. "I've wanted the same God damned thing since I was 18. I want to be married to you and I want us to live our lives together and I want to be the mother of your spoiled ass little brats."

"Brianna what's plan B?" he asked. I was in shock. I was having trouble thinking. Then finally I realized that he was playing with me.

"Josh there is no plan B. I'll do whatever I have to do to get plan A." We just sat there looking at each other.

"Josh, are you trying to tell me that you need more time to get over what we went through? Maybe we need to see a therapist together, or a relationship counselor. Is that it? Just what is it going to take for us to get back to where we should be?" He looked down at the floor.

"Josh, listen to me," I said loudly. "I know that what I did was terrible and awful and all of that bullshit. Your mom knows what I went through and how it all started and she's still on my side."

"Then maybe you should try to marry my mom," he snapped. "I don't think my mom knows my side of this. No one does Brianna. I LOVED you. Do you know what love is, Brianna? It's not like the shit you were just watching in that movie. Love is caring about another person even more than you care about yourself. Love is knowing that as long as that person is okay, nothing else matters. Love can be your greatest weakness but also your greatest strength, Brianna. It means going to a job that you fucking loathe. A job that beats you up and puts you in danger, that you have absolutely no interest in, simply because you need the money to keep a roof over the head of the person you love. Love is taking shit from a boss that you despise because you need the job to feed the person you love. Love is..."

"Josh, I know all of that," I interrupted. "I felt the exact same way about you and that's what got me into this shit. Do you think I was stupid? Okay, maybe I'm not as smart or as talented as you are, but I love you just as much as you love me. Do you think I didn't notice that whenever we were short of money, you got your little stomach aches? It hurt me too, Josh, so I decided that no matter what it took, I had to help bring in some money. I knew that you'd never want me to work in that massage parlor, but I had to for US, Josh. Sonny blackmailed me; that was the only reason he got his hands on me. I belonged and I still belong to you and you only." He smirked when I said that and I started crying.

"So even you think I'm a whore now, huh?" I asked. "So Josh if you don't love me anymore, why the hell am I here with you?"

"Brianna, I tried so hard not to care about you," he said. "There are hurts that you gave me that you haven't even begun to imagine. But as soon as I heard that you were in trouble, I dropped everything to come to you. The doctors told me then that I should avoid doing anything to depress you because little things could send you over the edge while you were recovering. So maybe I didn't push things, maybe I just tried to hold off on this talk until you were ready for it."

"So Josh, what does the future look like?" I said. "Do you still love me or not?"

"Brianna, I once told you that I'd love you forever," he said. "And I've realized that I still do. I don't want to love you. You hurt me more than anyone should ever have to put up with, but I still love you."

"So why do you want me to go out and find someone else?" I asked. "Why can't we go back to the way things were?"

"Because, Brianna, I'm not sure I'll ever trust you again," he said. "I'm not the man that all of the publicity portrays me as being. I'm just a regular guy who likes to take pictures. My needs are simple. I've got some money, but I'm still the same guy I was. I didn't go out and spend a quarter of a million dollars on an Italian sports car. I just bought a newer and better Mustang. All I need is one person to share my life with and raise a family with. I need someone who believes in me and loves me, that's it."

"But Josh, that's me," I said. "It always has been."

When I told this to my therapist, she looked like she wanted to slap me. "I know this doesn't sound professional," she began. "But why the fuck did you do that when I warned you not to? You've set yourself back a long way.

"You should have started slowly. You could have just held his hand during the movie and then gotten yourself off with your vibrator later. Over a few days or weeks you could have built yourself up to the point of giving him a few kisses like when you were younger. The point was to tease him enough to the point where HE started to make the moves on YOU," she said.

"You should have just done enough to get him aroused and no more. Make him the one who initiates sex by teasing him. The trust thing is a biggie though. The only way to rebuild trust is over time. If you love him though, and he loves you, it is definitely possible. But now things are far worse than they were before."

Over the next few weeks, I noticed that she was right. Josh started staying out later after work and he started giving me money so I could go out. He often initiated conversations by asking if I'd been thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.

I also noticed that things were changing with Cherry as well. I asked her what was going on in her life. She smiled a bit and then looked down. I could tell that she was embarrassed about something.

"Brianna, I'm retiring in a couple of weeks," she told me.

"You're what?" I snapped. "But I thought that you needed to make enough money to start your own dance school."

"Well, I'm not sure I still want to have a dance school," she said. "But if I want one I could start it pretty easily. Josh gave me back all of the money that I spent for your medical care. Even though he paid for both of your surgeries, he gave me all of the money back that I'd put on my credit card before he showed up."

"Josh certainly is a giving person," I said.

"Yes, he is," she said smiling,

"I wish he was giving me what I need," I snapped.

"All you'd have to do is ask him," she said. "He really loves you. You're his best childhood friend."

"I don't want to be his fucking friend," I yelled. "Every time I see him, I just want to spread my legs and swallow him whole. I wish I could get his whole body into my pussy. I just want to start making little Josh clones so badly that I can feel it."

"Brianna, we don't always get what we want," she said calmly. "Sometimes we have to be happy with what we have."

"Cherry, I feel like a bitch in heat. I made at least forty sex films and nothing those idiots in them did ever got me as horny as Josh does just by walking into a room and looking into my eyes. I want him so bad, Cherry. God, I wish you could understand what this feels like. It's Hell to want somebody so bad who doesn't want you back."

"Actually, I do," said Cherry.

"And you know what the worst part is," I continued my rant. Cherry's words had passed right over my head.

"The worst part is that he's mine," I said. "He always has been mine and he always will be. Miss Polish supermodel doesn't know how lucky she is that they broke up. I would eventually have killed that bitch if I had to." Cherry was breathing deeply. And suddenly what she'd just said registered.

"What do you mean, you do?" I asked. "You're a virgin, Cherry."

"Probably not for long," she said.

"What!" I screamed.

"Brianna, that's why I'm retiring. I don't want to dance in front of other men any more. For my whole life, up to this point there was never anything that was more important to me than dancing. All of a sudden there is," she said.

"That's great Cherry," I said. "I'm happy for you. Maybe we can have a double wedding. That is if I can fix things with Josh. I'm sorry Cherry. I should be happier for you but I guess everything in my life has always revolved around my marriage. And I guess I pushed him too fast again."

"Brianna, have you considered the possibility that maybe you hurt him too bad for things between you two to ever go back to what they were. He almost married someone else and you've had sex with probably a hundred guys other than him. Maybe you guys should just be friends and you should try to find another guy." I looked at her like she had three heads.

"Cherry..." I began.

"My name is Lisa," she said. "One week from Friday, we're putting Cherry away for good."

"Whatever," I snapped. "Josh is just afraid and skittish. He doesn't know what's good for him. I know that I hurt him, but I'm not going to do it again. Besides, he's mine; I would literally die without him. Didn't you notice Cherr -- I mean, Lisa -- how fucked up my life was without him? I went from one wrong decision to the next. You said it yourself: even messed up from the surgery and on all of those painkillers, I was happier and better the moment he came back into my life. If you didn't want me to be happy then why the hell did you go to all the trouble of getting us back together?" Cherry was making me angry at that point. I knew that she was just trying to tell me the truth as she saw it but her version of the truth wasn't the one I wanted. Then it happened. In all of the time that we'd known each other, Cherry had never raised her voice at me or anyone else, but she did.

"Why is everything always about YOU?" she screamed. "We talk constantly about what YOU want or what makes YOU happy. What about Josh? What about what he wants or what makes him happy?" She was positively glowering at me. Her hands were balled up into fists at her sides.

"You're my friend, Bri, but you hurt him. And maybe you hurt him so badly that the best thing for him to do is to move on. He came back for you when even your family abandoned you. All of the people you work with and the guys you fuck, none of them even visited you in the hospital. He put his life on hold for you, Brianna. He broke off his engagement and turned down work to take care of you. When will it be enough? When will we have all done enough for the great Goddess Brianna? Right now, he's supporting you and you're living in his house rent-free, ordering his staff around like you live there, but you haven't done a God damned thing for him. Now since he didn't roll over and fuck you when you wanted him to, you're pissed at the world. Boo-hoo!

"Maybe he doesn't want to have sex with a woman who has screwed more men on film than most women screw over their entire life. He also got the bills for your medical treatment. Brianna, the company you worked for obviously didn't adhere to the adult industry's medical standards. You had a half a dozen venereal diseases. Is it any wonder that he might want to think twice before sticking his dick in that cesspool between your legs?"

"Get the fuck out of my house, Cherry," I screamed at her. "Get out before I have you thrown out!"

We were both crying and I realized that we'd both gone too far. We'd both had valid points. I did want Josh. I wanted him so badly I was sure that I would die if he didn't marry me again. But Cherry was right too. Josh needed to be given time. We'd been apart for three years. Those three years had seemed like an eternity to me. We'd been back in each other's lives for only seven months. Even my therapist had told me that getting over infidelity sometimes took years, and that was in the case of a normal marriage. Our case was very extreme, so the fact that we were even living together again was a gift. Why the hell had I pushed him so far?

I think I knew. I'd noticed that over the past few weeks Josh had been acting differently. He was restless at times. And at other times he'd just stare off into space. I wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe he was trying to hook back up with Elena. We'd seen her on TV a couple of times at different affairs and she was always alone. There were reports of all kinds of men chasing her and having no luck at all. I hoped with all of my heart that we'd open up a newspaper and see her dating an actor or the president of some foreign country.