Wounded

"But what's holding you back? I think it's guilt. WHY THE FUCK AM I ALIVE WHEN MY FRIENDS, MY COMRADES ARE DEAD! I have no right to be alive when they aren't. I have no right to enjoy my life when they can't!

"It's called survivor guilt. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Maybe. But they're certainly the window to your hearts. DAMMIT! What makes you think you're so fucking special? What makes you think you were in control of events? YOU FUCKING WEREN'T! YOU WEREN'T AND STILL ARE. NOT. IN. CHARGE! YOU ARE A VICTIM! Just like all the others.

Crying now. "Call it fate. Call it luck. Doesn't matter. I personally believe the good Lord made those choices and he saved your miserable asses because you have an important role to play. I can't tell you what that role will be. Maybe it's to be the best husband, best father, best son, coach on Pop Warner....You'll have to discover that for yourselves.

"Please don't disappoint and piss off the good Lord. Not a good thing." They chuckled.

"But don't just reach out your hearts to others. I want you each to go back tonight and stare at your eyes in a mirror for 20 minutes. Look into your heart. Look into your soul. What you see there will not be pretty. We all carry a ton of shit, a ton of baggage that you may see there.

"But please, please. Find it in your hearts to forgive yourselves. The war WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your friends dying and getting maimed WAS NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO OTHERS. YOU ARE NOT GOD!

"Dammit! I love you guys, but sometimes you piss the hell out of me. I want to grab you by your collars and slap you like in the movies to bring you to your senses. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A SURVIVOR, YES, AS A SURVIVOR, IS TO FUCKING MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY DAY YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. DON'T WASTE A SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Remember. The Lord, or fate, or whatever, can still yank your number at any time.

"FORGIVE YOUR SELVES! OPEN YOUR HEART TO YOURSELVES! Jamie! Do it for Sheila. George! Do it for your wife and kids. John! Oh, John. Please do it for me?"

"GUILT? FUCK! I look around and see the price you all have paid. YOU PAID THAT PRICE FOR ME! I stayed at home going to parties and enjoying college and life while you're getting blown apart in body, mind, spirit, and heart.

"I enjoyed myself while your comrades were dying. I HAD NO RIGHT TO BE ENJOYING MYSELF WHILE YOU ALL WERE SUFFERING AND DYING, FOR ME! I never realized all that until I looked into your eyes. I have survivor guilt too. So...

"I WANT ALL OF YOU. PLEASE! PLEASE! FORGIVE YOURSELVES. IF NOT FOR YOU THEN DO IT FOR ME!" In a hushed voice, "Quit being such selfish bastards and trying to keep all the guilt for yourselves. Do it for me! Please? I'm just not sure the Lovely Katie can do this for long if you don't.

"So, in order:

Number one: All men are stinky and sweaty men are the worst. Right, Monica?

Number two: You're afraid. BUT WE'RE AFRAID, TOO!

Number three: You're fucked up. BUT WE'RE ALL FUCKED UP, TOO!

Number four: You feel guilty as hell because you're still alive. We feel guilty as hell because we let you go off to war and because our lives went on as normal.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to do this to you, or to myself. NOW START SWEATING YOU STINKY, OH SO STINKY MEN, BUT THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID."

The hush continued for several minutes. Each man in his own thoughts. Katie, a hand to her mouth and crying, was gathered up by Monica and guided out of the room.

"Jesus, Katie. Where the hell did that come from? I think you nailed it. That's the key! If they can't forgive themselves for being alive, they'll never really get better. But you're obviously paying a hell of a price. You've got to listen to your own heart as well."

They hugged, she cried, but her spirit started to lift. She had no right to be guilty. And she couldn't help John if she herself were stuck.

As she unloaded the guys from the van, "John can I come in for a few minutes. I can't stay long. I have a lot to get squared away for tomorrow."

"Sounds very tempting, Katie, but if it's OK, I'm gonna take a pass on that. I have some mirror viewing to do. But what if I come to the clubhouse early to help you set up?"

"That'd be great, John. I understand. Remember. No pressure. You set the pace. Look. I'm sorry. I screwed up again. I never should have mentioned your name. I never should have implied that we...that we.."

Taking her hand. "Katie. It's OK. Nothing to apologize for. You're right! 100% right. It's just not that easy."

"I'm starting to get a deeper understanding of that. It's not easy. But, John, remember, please. It's not easy for me either. See you tomorrow." She wrapped her arm around his neck, bent over and gave him a long, passionate kiss. Oh, John, if you only knew how hard it is.

SATURDAY

"So, how did you guys like the park this morning. Pretty nice to get out and about. Back to some nature and all that. Great! Glad you enjoyed it.

"And now, let the party begin. We have a keg of beer from the local distillery down the street. I laid on my back, opened the tap, and just let it run for a while. And it's pretty damn good. I think there's a little left. The lovely Katie sure does like her beer.

"We have wine and soft drinks. Barbecue kindly donated by the place down the street. They wanted to thank you for your service and have a discount for vets. So eat, drink, and be merry. But not too merry, please.

"Ah, here they are now. These are six of my skankiest friends" the girls rolled their eyes. They were used to Katie. "And I have these certificates from last week" and she held up some official looking forms, "that certifies them as disease free. But it has been a week....." the one next to her punched her arm.

"And we all know the the lovely Katie is head skank."

"No. As a gentle reminder, be nice, be respectful. These are ladies. Remember, I have my rod." She pulled it from her back pocket, pushed a button and it popped open, "and I am dying to use it. Carry on."

The party lasted until late in the evening. The conversations were boisterous and the closeness and friendships that had formed were obvious. Folks were hesitant to leave, but she noted they left in clumps, not individuals.

Katie refused to let the girls help with the cleanup. It seemed as though they, and everyone else had a great night. Even though the girls were initially taken aback by the severity of the injuries the men all exhibited.

John and some of the guys stayed to help. She divided the leftovers and distributed them. Made sure things were squared away so they could use the room again. The guys carried the keg, drinks, and whatnot to the van for Katie.

"So, John. What do you think?"

"It went great, Katie. I think between the park this morning and this get together, it really lifted their spirits. Having your friends here made a big difference. It wasn't just another stag night."

"What about me coming over to your place for a bit?"

"Mighty tempting, Katie, but I have some more mirror viewing to do. I know what I need to do, but just can't seem to shake it."

"Can I help? Is there anything I can do?"

"Thanks, Katie. You've already helped a lot. I'm not the guy I was a couple weeks ago. But this is on me, not you. I have to work it out and make sense of things."

"John, you don't have to do it alone. I can help. Please let me help."

"Tell you what. What if you take me to the lake tomorrow and we'll go kayaking. I think I can do that now. If I screw up, I get wet, and you get a good laugh and something to tell the guys about on Monday."

Disappointment written all over her face, "Sure, John. I understand. See you in the morning. Now let's get out of here. I'll flip the lights off and lock up."

When she got home, her Mom could tell things weren't going right. "So, how was the party?"

"Oh, it went great. Every one had a terrific time, especially since my friends were there."

"Then what's wrong, dear?"

"Oh, Mom. One of the guys is having so much trouble. I can't seem to be able to break through the walls he's created. It's like he's in some kind of protective bubble and won't let me in."

"And you like him...."

"Yes. A lot. And it's just so frustrating. I don't know what to do?" She started to tear up and her Mom hugged her.

"Be patient, Katie. If you really like him, hang in there. Good chance the 'lovely Katie' will be able to break those walls."

She shot her Mom a puzzled look. How did her Mom know she used that terminology? "Thanks, Mom. Guess I'll hit the sack." She idly picked up her phone and checked her balance, hoping it might change."

"Holy shit!"

"Katie! Your mouth! Is that the language you use with those soldiers? I hope not."

"Sorry, Mom. It's just that my bank account is double what I started with. No one but you knew. Did you do this?"

"No way, Katie. You said you wanted to handle it on your own so there was no way I would interfere. I wonder how it got there."

"Well, eventually I'll get to the bottom of it, but I'll be in church first thing tomorrow morning to thank God for making this happen and to pray for all the guys."

Kayaking was great. They had a terrific time together and John had been able to transfer into and out of the kayak with no trouble. They stopped for a bite to eat, then went to his apartment. Her hopes were running high for a break through.

But he kept her on his lap in the wheelchair and although he brought her to more than one orgasm, he would not let her touch him. She did manage to open his shirt to feel his chest and back. 'My God. Are these all scars? They're all over the place.' He kept the light off and would not move to the couch or bed.

TUESDAY

Katie was growing increasing frustrated and was preparing a sermon for John when on Tuesday morning, he asked her to come over for some dinner. There was something he wanted to discuss with her. She fretted all day. Was this the end? The 'we have to talk' talk. The possibility brought her to tears all day.

After dropping the guys off, she went home, showered, perfume, some makeup, an easily removable dress and another set of new underwear. She was not going to give up easily and she was ready to let him have a piece of her mind about her own suffering, etc.

But he had made chicken, potatoes and all the fixings. After dinner, they sat on the couch. Oh, no. He brought me to the couch. Can't be a good thing. Please, please. Don't let it be The talk.

But instead, he reached around and pulled her close. Kissing her and probing with his tongue. She responded immediately. Relief mixing with her delight at the closeness. Both of their hands started to wander.

He started feeling her breasts. Rubbing her nipples through the thin fabric of her dress and bra. He started working on the zipper on the dress she had chosen which ran down the center and was readily available. Just in case.

She assisted where needed until her top was fully open. His hands gently, oh so gently started loving her breasts. He reached behind and unhooked the clasp with ease. She had considered going braless, but felt that was a little too brazen. He eased his hands onto her breasts, teasing, a little here, a little there. "Dammit, John. Quit teasing me. I need you to touch me like you mean it. Like you need me. Please?"

He complied and immediately started massaging her pert little globes, stroking and pulling on her nipples. He kissed her nipple, flicked with his tongue, sucked up the nipple and then inhaled a good third of her breast and pulled on it. "I love it! Thank you. It just feels so good."

As his mouth worked on the one, his hand worked over the other one. Once again she could feel herself building. She moaned onto the top of his head and pulled him close.

"Ahhhhh. John. John. John." She moaned, tightened her arms against him, then started having contractions of her abdominal and pelvic muscles. "Errrrrahhh." She relaxed and went still for the moment.

She reached her hand down and felt for him through his pants. What? He's a little bit hard. That's a change. Was he rubbing on me and I didn't notice or are his nerves rerouting? I have to find out. She started to stroke him and felt it enlarge. I think he likes me. John seemed to be getting a little more excited, but not as excited as his cock was getting.

"Can you feel that, John?"

"Some. More than before."

"Let me get him out, OK?"

"OK. Open the cage and let's see what happens."

"Take off your pants."

"No, let's just try like we're doing." She opened his zipper. Reached through the fly of his underwear and pulled his semi hard cock back through the hole. She stroked it and it got firmer, but not rock hard. That's hard enough to do the job even if it's not rock hard. She stroked more firmly with a slight increase in firmness. She felt a drop of precum on the end.

John seemed to enjoy it, but not like others she had experimented with. Without thinking she arched her back down and sucked his cock into her mouth. She swirled around the head then took it out of her mouth. "Well?"

"I feel it and it feels good, but not like before."

"Let's try this." She licked it and back into her mouth. It was soft enough that she could take all the way to the base. She concentrated on the base, then strong sucking up and down, up and down.

"Nice." She started playing with his balls, then his perineum, and finally approached his anus.

"Better not do that, Katie. Could get messy. My control is not what it used to be." She kept away and started sucking some more. Suddenly he strained and fluid started filling her mouth. Wait! That's not cum! He's peeing!

"Oh, Katie. I'm so sorry. God am I sorry." Her immediate horror was replaced with curiosity. Not as bad as I would have thought. Pretty neutral. Ghandi drank some of his every day. Right? If I stop, we have a mess and he'll never let me touch him again. Don't gag. Just keep swallowing. Nope, not exactly the way I thought things were going to go, but I'm staying in place. God, how much does he have in there?"

He tried to push her head away, but she wouldn't budge. When he stopped, she muttered, "No!" As he kept trying to push her head. She continued to suck. Hard. She finally withdrew her mouth and stroked the area on the underside of the head firmly, like some of the books had said.

"Oh, Katie, thank you." He orgasmed and she could feel his contractions. But nothing came out. Damn! Retrograde ejaculation. She continued to stroke and a little came out. "Well, John. Thoughts. Comments?"

"Katie. I am so embarrassed. I am so, so sorry that happened. I emptied before we messed around and... I guess it didn't work. I...I didn't mean to..."

"Not that dumbass. I don't care about that. Although, holy crap, That was, 'interesting?'" Laughing. "Can't say that was what I was expecting. No, what I meant was, you had an orgasm without any electrical stimulation. You had retrograde ejaculation, but there are things we can do about that if....Well, never mind. What did you feel?"

"It was a mild version of a regular orgasm. Very enjoyable, but not like before."

She hugged and kissed him. "That's great!

"It is?"

"Heck, yea. John, at your level it could just be a hunk of salami that's firm, but has no feeling at all. You're only a few months down the line and you at least feel something. If we work on it a lot, those nerves will be scared to death not to make new connections."

"How the hell do you know all this?"

"Well, I am a woman of the world you know... No, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. This is great, John."

"But nothing came out."

"Common problem. The neck of the bladder usually contracts and stops the cum from going inside. yours does not so... It's easier, now, for your stuff to go into the bladder than out your penis. Especially one as big as yours, Big John." And she winked at him. "10% of normal guys can squirt it into their bladders instead of out. We both discovered your bladder neck is not all it used to be."

"Katie. I am so sorry. I...I feel like such a failure. Such a freak! I can't believe I did that to you? It must have been awful. I don't blame you if you never want to come anywhere near it again."

"John, it's alright, Babe. Really. Accidents happen. Not you fault and although I'll probably be up all night peeing from all the extra fluid I got..." and she laughed and touched his shoulder.

Looking him in the eyes, "Even if it never gets better it's fine with me. But I want it to get better for you. I just want you! Remember the lovely Katie's sermons? I want you. I want your heart most of all. I want your brain and at least a part of your soul. And I want your body in whatever shape it's in. But it's last on the list.

"I just need you, John. In whatever shape I can get you. I...." But she stopped. Afraid that she would spook him.

"So, Katie. The reason I invited you is that I have to leave town tomorrow, go to a couple of events on Thursday, and then back either Thursday night or Friday."

"That's fine, John. Thanks for telling me. I would have wondered about it."

"No. No, Katie. I want you to come with me. I can get you your own room or whatever.....and I'll pay for everything...."

She hugged and kissed him. She felt his hand instinctively grab her breast. "Keep your mind on business, soldier. Of course I'll go. But no way do I want my own room. We can share a room. I won't make you do anything you don't want. I promise I'll be good.

"Where are we going?"

"I can't tell you. Please. I just can't tell you where or what it's for. But you'll like it. Or at least the second part of it. Trust me, please. I need you there. I need you beside me. I don't think I could do it on my own."

"Alright, if you want to be mysterious. What kind of clothes do I need? How do we get there? What do I need to bring? Give me some clues."

"Well, you're going to drive me in your car. Bring comfortable clothes for the trip. A dark, black, very solemn dress like you'd wear to a funeral, and something formal like you'd wear to a very special celebration at a business you were working at, I guess."

"You're not really helping me much, but fine. My Mom's going to flip. 'Oh, Mom, I'm going away with John somewhere for 2-3 days. Nope. Can't answer any of your questions.....OK.'"

"I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you more, but I'm afraid you'd say 'no.' "

"You're not making me feel better about this, John. So are we done here or do you have more surprises for me?"

"Katie. I am so sorry. I never thought..."

"Oh shut up and kiss me goodbye so I can face my Mom. I should make you tell her. But no more 44 oz. drinks for you." But I laughed and hugged him.

Later: "Mom. I'm going away with John tomorrow. I'll be back either Thursday night late or more likely on Friday."

"OK, dear. Thanks for telling me." Katie's eyes bulged in surprise and her mouth dropped open.

"Katie, dear. You're looking like a goldfish. Are you OK?"

"Well, yea, but...."

"Katie. You're a big girl and I'm sure that as part of your college career you've been around the block a time or two. So if you feel comfortable with it, then I'm not going to try and stop you." Her Mom turned so as not to expose her smile and her mouth as she mouthed 'Yes!' "Do you need anything for your trip?

"No. I think I have what I need, thanks." What the hell, Mom?

WEDNESDAY

"Listen up. I have some very sad news. Your van driver is leaving this afternoon and may not be back until Friday. No. I have no fucking idea who will drive you home. No, I don't know who will drive you tomorrow or Friday. That's all I can tell you, but please be kind to your substitute van driver. Or I'll get out my fucking big rod and leave marks on you. Class dismissed."