Dying for Acceptance

"Okay, enough of that!" her mother said before she started crying. "Go shower, get dressed, then we'll do your hair and nails. Once we get your bandages off, we'll start doing your makeup, too. Oh, honey, I am SO excited!" she told Erika.

Thirty minutes later, Erika presented herself to her mother for the first time. She'd chosen a cute white top with a tiny pink bow and a pair of pink lounge pants with a pair of soft, pink and white socks.

"You look so cute!" her mother said. "Does the bra fit okay, honey? I know it's not very pretty, but you need to wear it for extra support until everything heals. But I must say your father did an excellent job."

Erika turned sideways to admire her new boobs which she dearly loved. The only downside was seeing the ugly splint and her still black-and-blue eyes from having had her nose broken when it was reshaped.

She turned to mom and told her, "Splint or no splint, nothing is going to spoil my good mood today." She back to her mother and said, "Mom? Thank you again. I am SO happy now!"

She gave her mother a big hug before she was told, "Okay, let's go take care of your hair and nails and then we can discuss what kind of things you think you'll want for school."

An hour later, Erika was thrilled with how her hair looked. As a boy, it was just long and straight and usually tied in a ponytail. But today, her mother had given it a beautiful, gentle wave after parting it on the side for her. It looked and even felt...glamorous. "It's beautiful, Momma!" Erika said using her chosen new term for her mother.

"It is pretty, isn't it? At it's just perfect for your slender face. You are going to be such a beautiful girl!" her mother said in agreement.

In another 45 minutes, her nails were a very pretty pink matching her pants and the little bow on her top. "I think we can at least try some lipstick today and I'd love to get those eyebrows plucked and shaded in. How does that sound?" knowing it was a rhetorical question.

For the next week, Erika and her mom got her ready each morning as they talked about makeup, fashion, hairstyles, and everything else either one of them could think of. Her father removed the bandages on her nose that afternoon and even though there was still some swelling, Erika was absolutely thrilled with the shape of it. It was very slender with a cute little tip that looked oh-so feminine.

"I love it so much! Thank you, Daddy!" she said as she hugged her father.

"You're welcome...honey," he managed to force himself to say in reply. "And...and you look...very pretty." David was having a tough time adjusting, but he was getting there. The first two or three days had been the worst as he saw his 'son' dressed like a girl for the first time. The change is 'his' voice had also been unsettling as Erika sounded unusually convincing as a female. Eric's voice had deepened a little during puberty, but had never gotten really deep. By making some small changes in the way she let air flow through her nasal passages and throat, Erika sounded quite feminine. Perhaps the hardest thing David had to get used to were the new gestures as Erika talked, sat, and lived her life. The bent wrists, the crossed legs, flipping her hair, the giggling. As hard as it all was to take in, David Jamison promised himself he would never say another negative thing to his child—son or daughter.

Three days later most of the real swelling was gone and Erika was dying to go shopping. Her mother promised her they would go, but told her they first had to do her makeup completely for the very first time. Cassandra went slowly step by step, carefully showing her new daughter how to apply foundation, select the right eye shadow and blend it when necessary, apply eyeliner, blush, and fill in her eyebrows. She'd been using her mother's perfume, but today she would choose her own along with a whole new wardrobe of clothes, shoes, bags, makeup, and jewelry.

When they were finished, both of them were thrilled with the finished product. "Oh, my goodness! I love it, Momma!" she said as she saw herself for the first time in full makeup.

"You look absolutely gorgeous, sweetheart!" he mother told her and she did. Between her own feminine-looking features, her full-C breasts, her new nose, and her now-missing Adam's apple, Erika Jamison looked as pretty as any girl either of them had ever seen.

For her day out, she wore a simple, easy-to-remove top and a cute, short skirt with a pair of flats and a simple necklace with a pair of cute, white earrings.

On the way to the mall Cassandra asked, "So what is your style, Erika? We've talked a lot about it and I think I have a pretty good idea, but please tell me again so I can help you pick out your new clothes, okay?"

"Well, for me, the main thing is I want to look really pretty and very feminine. There's this girl at my school named Sara Miller who dresses exactly the way I want to look. I've always been so jealous of her. What I really love about her is that she's prettier than any of the cheerleaders and they all know it, and she doesn't cut them any slack when they get all catty and nasty."

"What does Sara wear, Erika? What's her style?"

"I don't know if it has a name, she's just really...stylish. Not glamorous or anything, but very...stylish. She mostly wears really nice dresses or else skirts with pretty sweaters and she almost always wears heels instead of flats. On the other hand, what I really don't like is the kind of dressed-down look of jeans and tee-shirts and tennis shoes. I mean, I want to have some jeans and tee-shirts and stuff like that, but most of the time I want to dress so that I feel really, really pretty. I mean, isn't that half the fun of being a girl?"

Her mom laughed and said, "Yes it is, honey." She looked over at Erika and told her, "Okay, so in terms of what you like, I think I've got it. Not glamorous, just...pretty." She pulled into the parking lot of the Southcenter Shopping Mall in nearby-Tukwila and said, "Honey? I've been waiting for YEARS to take you shopping, and we are going to have SO much fun today!" She parked the car and said, "Oh, and we are going to spend SO much of your father's money we may need to rent a U-Haul to get everything home! After all, I have 18 years of pent-up spending on my daughter to get out of my system. So...are you ready?"

Erika was in her element! She tried on no less than a hundred different dresses, dozens and dozens of skirts of varying lengths, scores of sweaters, blouses, cardigans, pants, shorts, and shoes from flats to 3-inch heels, jewelry of every kind and color, the best makeup known to man—er—woman, and lastly, she bought two different brands of perfume. She must have checked out every brand in the mall but was finally able to narrow it down to just two. Not bad for a first day's work!

The girls had taken a 30-minute break for lunch in the food court before heading back for Round Two. What amazed Cassandra the most was how not one person, not even the young girls Erika's age who either saw them or helped them, ever gave the slightest hint they knew. And looking at her daughter so many times in so many different outfits and from every different angle, even she had trouble remembering this was actually her former son.

That was because Erika really did look like a girl. But not just any girl. She was a very attractive young lady which was confirmed by the non-stop looks and smiles from pretty much every boy and man they passed. Cassandra felt awful that so much time had gone by when her child was in so much pain. All she could do was focus on the here and now and enjoy every minute of each new experience with her beautiful new daughter.

Six hours later, their Lincoln Towncar was stuffed to the gills with bags from nearly every store in the mall. Cassandra could barely see through the rear window when she looked in the mirror. Not only was the back seat full, the trunk was also jammed with bags and boxes and Erika was holding one on her lap with two more between her feet.

After unloading all of the bags, they had one very important item of business to attend to that afternoon. They'd already made an appointment with the court and they were now on their way there to get Erika's name legally changed. It was surprisingly easy to do and in just one appearance before a judge, Eric Donald Jamison became Erika Danielle Jamison thus keeping the same initials. Her mother dropped a copy of the court order off at the high school and took another with them to the DMV so that Erika could get her official records and driver's license changed. Her gender would remain male, but her name and photograph would reflect her new female identity.

Not having any real friends to speak of, it had been rather easy to keep Erika's new secret even though no one was consciously trying to keep anything from anyone in particular. One afternoon just two weeks before the start of the school year, Erika was having lunch with her mother at an upscale restaurant in Bellevue when a woman who knew Cassandra spotted them.

"Cassie! Hi!" The woman came over to her table and said, "I haven't seen you in ages. How are you!"

"I'm great, Alex. How have you and Jonathan been?"

"He's working all the time, but what else is new, right?" She looked down and said, "So who is this beautiful young girl?" Erika, whose hair and makeup were perfect, was wearing a gorgeous, emerald-green dress with gold jewelry and 3-inch heels. She finally been allowed to wear a regular bra and the low-cut dress revealed some very ample cleavage while its short length showcased Erika's long, slender legs.

Cassandra raised her eyebrow and looked at Erika who smiled and nodded. "This beautiful girl is my daughter, Erika."

The woman was still smiling as she took a second look. Her smile faded as she asked, "Wait a second. I didn't know you had a daughter, Cassie. I thought Eric was your only...." Her eyes opened wide and she stood there staring. "Oh. Oh, my. So is that...?" She spoke to Erika and asked, "Are you....?"

"Yes, it's me. My name is Erika now. It's so nice to see you again," she said smiling brightly.

The woman tried to keep her composure as she turned back to Cassandra. "Well, it's been lovely seeing you...both...again, Cassie. We'll need to um...get together soon. Um...I um...I really need to run so...you take care, all right?" The woman smiled and waved weakly as she turned and scurried away.

"That wasn't so bad. A little awkward, but all in all, not too difficult, right?" Erika said still smiling.

"It may not always go that smoothly, honey," she cautioned. "Just be ready for any reaction possible, okay? And if there's ever trouble, you call me immediately."

"Momma!" Erika said. "I'll be fine. Don't worry so much, okay?"

Cassandra never told her daughter how much she did worry because doing so would only make matters worse. But her greatest fear was another call from the police only this time.... But for now they would enjoy their lunch together as mother and daughter. As they finished eating, Cassandra said, "You know, honey? I have never been so happy in my entire life. I'm happy, I'm happy for you and well, I'm just so proud of you."

Erika was touched and replied, "Thank you, Momma. I've also never been happier. I can't even imagine ever having to go back and live my former life. This has been the best gift ever and I have you and Daddy to thank for it."

___________________________________

The first day of school arrived in early September the day after Labor Day and as usual, the weather had already gotten cooler.

Erika chose a very pretty, long-sleeved black sweater with a tan-colored skirt and matching shoes with 2 1/2-inch heels. She wore a gold necklace and earrings along with a small, gold watch as well as a gold ring on her right hand. She could now do her own hair and makeup and Cassandra was amazed at just how beautiful her daughter looked every time she saw her.

"Oh, my. Don't you look lovely! I know you said you're not looking for glamorous, but that looks really, really nice on you, honey," she said as Erika came into the kitchen. "Would you like something to eat before school, sweetheart?" she asked.

"No, thank you," she said. "I'm too nervous to eat right now. Not scared nervous. Just...anxious—in a good way. I'll get something at lunch, I promise."

After double-checking to make sure her new drivers license was in her purse, Erika gave her mother a hug goodbye. "Have a wonderful first day, sweetheart!" she told her daughter.

"I will, Momma. And don't worry about me, okay?" She waited for her mom to promise she'd at least try not to before heading to the garage.

"Take my BMW today, all right?"

"I will," Erika said on her way out. She sat behind the wheel and opened the garage door She took a last look at herself in the mirror and smiled at the beautiful, feminine image looking back at her. She loved the way her long, silky hair framed her pretty face and as well as just how nice the blended eyeshadow looked with her dark-red, glossy lipstick. Even the sight of her long, dark-red nails on the steering wheel was a wonderful thrill. Everything finally felt so right!

As she pulled into campus, the parking lot was quickly filling up. She found an empty spot, shut off the engine, got out, then locked the car with the remote. She dropped the key chain in her black purse, closed it up, then slung it over her shoulder and headed toward the auditorium walking the way she'd practiced with her mom so many times this past summer. She'd worn heels enough to feel very comfortable in them and she still reveled in the clicking sound they made when she walked.

As she approached the sidewalk, she noticed that every guy who saw her either smiled and looked away, smiled and stated, or did a double take and smiled. No one had ever paid any attention to Eric unless it was to make a snide remark or maybe knock the books out of his hands.

As she came closer to the doors of the auditorium, one of many guys who'd tormented Eric for years saw her approaching and stopped talking to his buddy so he could run to open the door for her. "Hey, there. I'm Derek. Are you new here?" he asked as he opened the door and bowed slightly trying to impress her.

"Kind of," she said with a smile.

As she walked in she heard him make a wolf sound as he high-fived with his buddies. "Damn, man! That new chick is smokin' hot!"

Erika smiled as she walked inside until she noticed a group of girls standing near the entrance doors. They were all cheerleaders or their sycophants. Erika saw one of them looking at her. She pointed at Erika and then all of them turned toward her. As she came near them, the one who pointed and said, "Oh, look! It's here."

Erika didn't respond and the girl said, "I'm talking to you, freak! Yeah, you...Eric. Don't think we don't know who you are."

Another of them said, "And what's with those clothes? Are you trying to get the job as school secretary? Who even dresses like that? Ewww!"

"Other than me?" another feminine voice said very distinctly. Erika turned to see who it was and it was Sara Miller. She was wearing a pretty twin set with a cute skirt as she bored holes into the smug cheerleader's head. "Yeah, that's what I thought," she said as the girl finally looked away. "Hey, Erika! Wait up, okay?"

Sara walked over to her and said, "My mom told me about, you know, your changes and stuff. I think it's really cool!"

"Your mom?" Erika asked.

"Yeah. She said she saw you and your mom having lunch a few weeks ago. Oh, and she asked me to apologize for her behavior. She was just really surprised, you know. She told me you were beautiful but that didn't do you justice. You look amazing." She leaned over and told Erika, "You may just be the hottest girl in this school!"

Erika wasn't sure what to say in response so she just smiled and thanked her. Sara spoke again saying, "Anyway, you look really pretty and I obviously love your style."

"You should. You're my inspiration."

"Ah, hah! Now it all makes sense. No wonder I think you look so nice!"

The girls laughed and Sara said, "Hey, you wanna sit together?"

"Really? Sure! I'd love to," Erika said still smiling.

They found a place to sit and as Sara's friends came over to say hello, she introduced Erika all of them as her new friend. Without exception, every one of them was very nice to her and most complimented her on how nice she looked. The cheerleaders shot them both dirty looks as they walked by and Sara said, "You couldn't pay me to be a cheerleader. What a bunch of stuck-up bitches!"

During the start-of-school assembly, the principal reminded everyone of the school's no-tolerance policy on bigotry and homophobia but didn't look at Erika or even look her way. After it was over, Sara asked Erika if she'd like to sit together at lunch and she happily agreed. "Okay! I'll save you a space. Have a wonderful first day, Erika," she told her as they parted company. "And don't let the ignorant ones get you down," she added rather loudly as the cheerleaders walked passed making more faces at them both.

During the first four periods, there was a lot of whispering, no small amount of pointing, and even a few comments. For the most part, the things she overheard were very positive and her teachers were especially good about remembering to call her by her new name and refer to her as 'she.' She even had a couple of couple of cute guys whom she'd never seen before smile at her. Although she was secretly thrilled, she wanted to make sure everyone knew who she was before she even thought about flirting back so her responses were limited to a return smile or a polite hello. Okay, she'd thought about flirting many times already, but now that she was actually here on her first day as Erika, she didn't want anyone to ever say she'd been dishonest or tried to deceive them.

After fourth period, Erika headed to the cafeteria and on the way there she saw Sara. "Erika! Hi!" Sara waved her over where she was talking to a couple of other girls Eric had always thought were pretty and way out of his league. It was interesting to her that she still found pretty girls attractive even though she spent all of her time looking at cute boys. Regardless, she wanted to make friends with at least some of the nicer girls, and she was so thankful for Sara having taken her under her wing.

"Guys, this is Erika. Erika? This is McKenna and this is Amanda."

Both of the girls were as friendly to her as Sara had been and they were dying to ask her all kinds of questions but didn't really know where to start so Erika started talking as they headed to lunch explaining as much as she could.

"So you know what happened to me the last day of school, right?" she began. All of them told her they did and how sorry they were about it. She then explained how things had gone with her dad (omitting the suicide attempt or gesture or whatever that had been) and how he'd finally, but reluctantly come around, her mom's total acceptance at having a daughter, going shopping together for the first time, and so on.

"That is just SO cool!" McKenna said. "I think you're really brave to do this Erika."

"Me, too," Amanda told her. "So I was wondering. Can I ask you something? You know, if it's not too personal?"

"Sure. You can ask me anything." Erika was on top of the world and had never been happier.

"So...do you like girls or boys?" she said making a kind of face that let Erika know she wanted to know but not seem like she was prying.

"Oh, wow. That's a great question. Boys mostly, I guess," she said.

"Mostly?" Sara said with a smile. "So does that leave room for the possibility of a girlfriend? Or do you maybe have a boyfriend already?" Sara friends both giggled at her girlfriend question.