Saving You Saving Me

"So how long have you two been a thing?" LeighAnne sputtered her milk across the room and gasped.

"It's not like that. I'm not gay and neither is she. We're just friends." Mrs. Sackett walked into the room telling her obtuse son.

"Take Sue Ellen down to the store we need milk and hamburger." Rory saw the look on his mom's face and hit the door shouting for Sue Ellen.

Looking down at her daughter she took the steps she told her husband she would have too.

"What in the world is wrong with you? Don't let me ever hear you say that in front of Sue Ellen. You'll break her heart. That young woman is ninety percent in love with you. Seeing the way you look at her, I say you're right there with her."

"But mom, we're not gay... I'm not..."

"I never said you were. What I find funny, is you're always telling me what you're not. You're not gay, you're not LeighAnne, even thought that's the name I gave you at your birth. You're not a real woman anymore because they had to remove your uterus to save your life." Taking out one of the pictures she had taken, she shoved it in front of her daughter's face and asked.

"What do you see there?" Then without pause she answered her own question, "I'll tell you what I see. I see you smiling. Something I haven't seen in years. Look at this one and tell me what you see..." Before she could utter a word, her mother continued with the lecture.

"I see a person who's so much in love with you that she doesn't know what to do with herself. Do you know it was Sue Ellen who soothed you when the dreams came? It was Sue Ellen who tended you night and day not worrying about herself. She's the one who pulled you through this." Taking the last picture she wanted to show her daughter, she slapped down in front of the stubborn woman.

"Here's the last picture I'll show you. Look at your face and tell me what you see. If that isn't the same look as in the other one, I'll be struck dumb! I didn't even see that look on your face on your wedding day to that man. Go take a walk or soak your head, but figure it out before you hurt that poor woman and loose the best thing that's ever happened to you."

Her mom stormed out leaving LeighAnne more confused than she had ever been in her life, but her mother wasn't done. Poking her head around the corner and in a much softer tone she asked.

"Is Rory any less your brother because we got him from a woman who killed herself by overdosing rather than tend the precious gift God gave her? Stop thinking about what's not and find what is." Sucking a deep breath Leigh asked.

"But mom, how do I? How do we? What do I do?"

"You two are smart, brave, women. You'll figure it out. Even you can't fight what's meant to be." She knew she had made her points and let her daughter figure out the rest by herself. She knew there was work to be done to open Sue Ellen's heart too.

She got her chance when Rory and Ellen came back and the first question out of Sue Ellen's mouth was. "Where's Kel... Leigh?" Mrs. Sackett saw the fear on the girls face and told her.

"If I know her, she's racing that car of hers up and down the coast road."

"Is she okay?" Was Ellen's instant response.

"Oh, I'm sure she's fine. She's got some thinking to do. She always did that kind of thing when she has some thinking to do. After awhile she drive out to the point and sit on the hood and stare at the waves until she figures out what's bugging her. It's her way." Rory was about to sit down on the couch to watch some TV when Mrs. Sackett told him

"Son, go to the store..."

"But mom, I just got back from the Store." He tried. He wanted to hear what his mom was going to say to their stunning guest.

"Rory Patrick, go to Jimmy's, go to the beach...just GO!" She imperiously told him. "Now dear, let's go sit down and have some tea."

***

LeighAnne was already sitting on the hood of her car letting the sun and waves wash over her battered and fatigued body. She was staring at the pictures her mom had handed to her, trying to figure out what was going on.

She saw the smile and had to admit, it had been awhile since she was happy enough to smile like that. Probably not since her brother died as a casualty of war. It was the other two that bothered her the most. She recognized when they were taken. She remembered what was going on at the time, but she never seen that look on Ellen's face. She just saw Ellen.

That was another thing, she never thought of her as Sue. She hated the name Sue. To her she had always been Ellen in her heart. She refused to even think of her life without Ellen in it. But they weren't gay. At least she wasn't. She had been married for Christ's sake. She wanted children, even if that dream was no longer available to her.

She looked at the third picture and it surprised her the most. She remembered looking as Ellen had finished helping dry her hair and then leaving the room. She even remembered sighing as she left, but she never remembered looking at her like that.

She could see her own heart in her eyes in the picture. If she didn't know who had just left the room, she would have sworn the person in the picture was mooning over some guy.

"Oh God, what do I do?" She asked the waves.

Back at the house, Ellen was facing some of the same issues.

"Let me see if I can get this name thing settled." Asked Mrs. Sackett as she was sipping her tea. "Your name is Sue Ellen and all you knew LeighAnne by was Kelly?"

"Yes Ma'am." Ellen answered wondering where this conversation was going.

"But now, she calls you Ellen and you call her Leigh. Why is that?"

"Well, Ma'am," Sue Ellen said thoughtfully. "I always though Kelly was the wrong name for her. It just seemed too hard for someone so soft and beautiful. In my family, Kelly is a man's name. When I heard you called her by LeighAnne, I though that Leigh suited her much better. She feels the same way about Sue I guess. I don't mind, because she's right. It does sound like the yell my father did while he call the pigs."

"Well first off Ellen, call me Mom or Melinda. Mrs. Sackett was a crotchety old wind bag, who drank cheep wine by the gallon, even if she was my mother-in-law." She smiled at the shocked expression on Ellen's face.

"And second, you're right. Kelly is a man's name. At least it was our son's name. LeighAnne looked up to him like Rory looks up to her. Before he died in the war, LeighAnne was going to be the first woman to win the Winston Cup or the next designer for the white house. She was even going to beat the Intimidator at his own game. But after Kelly's death, those goals changed."

They talked about the past and how it had affected LeighAnne. They talked about Ellen's past too. Mrs. Sackett tried to rid the young woman of some of the more inane misconceptions from her upbringing.

LeighAnne was leaning back on her car looking at the wild seascape and dozed as she held the pictures across her chest. She let her mind float between conscious thought and the numb of just before you fall asleep. While dozing she could have sworn her big brother was there, and they were sitting beside each other as they had so many times before, sharing the secrets of life.

"So, how long are you going to sit here moping? Kelly asked his little sister as she stared at the ocean.

"I'm not moping. I'm thinking. I miss you." She said as an afterthought.

"I miss you too Curly Top, but you need to stop this. You're hurting her and that's not fair."

"What else can I do? I have to live the life I've been given, just like you did." She murmured.

Well Curly Top, I think that's your problem right there. You're not living your life. You're living mine. You never wanted to be a cop or a solider. You wanted to be a speed demon daredevil or an Interior designer depending on what week it was." Her brother nudged her like he had many times before.

"It's not fair you know. Neither one of us should have been over there. They killed the family you know."

"No, they didn't. Look sis; let me tell it to you straight. After 9/11 I was so mad I had to do something, so I joined up. Then I went over there and got myself killed. You did the same thing. LeighAnne, listen to me, you avenged me, you became a better cop than I ever could've been, and you even took my name. It's time for you to let me go. Live your own life. Stop living mine! I love you, but it's time to let me go. Go to her, she is worried."

She felt his kiss on the cheek and snapped awake. She felt the tears and knew no matter haw fast she turned her head, her brother would be gone. She climbed in the car and started the long journey home.

When she pulled up in front of her parents' house, she was met by a worried Ellen. Missing a step, she winced as her leg protested the jarring.

"Are you okay? Asked Ellen. "You've been crying! What's wrong?" She instantly went to Leigh's side offering her support.

Leigh looked down at the shorter woman and finally saw what everyone else saw. "I'll be dammed" she muttered, not knowing what to do about it. Before Ellen could asked the question one her lips she went on.

"I'm alright, my leg just hurts. Help me up to our room. I think I need to lay down for a bit." LeighAnne's mom smiled as she watched them negotiate the stairs.

Leigh hated being dependant on anyone, but she knew she needed Ellen's help. She didn't mind as she was slowly stripped down to her undergarments and a loose fitting T-shirt. She ducked down as much as she could to let Ellen slide the big shirt over her head.

As Ellen lifted the wounded leg into the bed she asked. "Why did you get that tattoo? She's beautiful, but didn't it hurt?" she said as she petted it. Leigh looked down at her Panther and shivered at the stroking touch from Ellen.

"Not really. I was still on a bunch of pain meds when I got it. I was recuperating from the first bullet I caught over there." For the first time the memory didn't scare her.

"What happened?" Ellen asked innocently.

"I was new in country and it was my first escort patrol. It was hotter than hell and I had my vest opened a bit to try and get some air circulation. I didn't know how the guys could stand it buttoned up so tight. Then the shooting started. Just as fast as it started it stopped. I was so wound up I didn't even know I was hit." She felt the scar under shirt and told the rest of the story.

"We got all the way back to camp before we could do anything. When I stepped down out of the vehicle, I went to my knees. At first the guys were razzing me about being a newbie. My team leader saw the blood before I did. All I did was finish opening the vest and my hand came out bloody." Sighing she finished it.

"I woke up three days later. They said it was just a graze. I was told that most of the bullet stopped at the edge of my vest, but one chunk got through where I had it loose. Well anyway, I was part of the Panthers. That's what our unit called themselves. Anyway, when I got out of the hospital, my team took me to a tattoo parlor and I got the tattoo."

"What are the blood drops for?" Ellen asked looking closely at the front paw knowing there was more to the story.

"For the guys who didn't make it back." Ellen snapped her wounded eyes to Leigh's

"Sorry I didn't... Which scar is it?" She asked flustered.

"The one under my breast. I was lucky they didn't have to remove it." Ellen knew the one. She knew where all Leigh's scars were. She reached up and stroked it.

"I'm sorry. I'd take it away if I could." Leigh's breath caught from the gentle touch.

"What about these?" Ellen asked as Leigh's breath caught again as her hand moved down and softly touched the ones on her abdomen.

"Suicide bomber. I covered my face, but shrapnel went under the vest. That's the one that sent me home. That's the one that took my womanhood away."

"What do you mean?" Ellen asked confused. "You're a beautiful woman." She thought about it and realized just where the injury was.

"Oh, you lost your uterus. I'm sorry. I'd give you mine if I could. But you're still a beautiful woman..." Ellen realized what she was saying and stuttered to a stop.

Leigh felt her heart leap in her chest, but contradicted Ellen. I'm not that pretty. Now you on the other hand, you are..."

"Not me! I'm just a stupid girl. I'm not good looking like you. I'm just a Plain Jane from the back country." She said believing it. Leigh opened her arms and pulled Ellen in.

"Who told you that line of bullshit? The first time I saw you I thought you were the prettiest girl I've ever seen." Ellen snuggled in wishing it was true and thanking Leigh for saying it.

Who knows where that moment would have led if it wasn't for Rory's interruption. He came banging in, announcing.

"Mom said it's time for dinner and she wants you girls downstairs right now." Ellen realized how it looked and jumped back guiltily. She brushed her hair over her face to hide her blush.

"We'll be down in a second pest." Leigh told her little brother.

"Cool tat sis." He said unashamedly as he bounded out of her door and headed downstairs.

"Here help me up. What are you blushing for?" Leigh asked grabbing a pair of sweats.

"He saw... What if? What is he going to think?" Ellen said blushing even more.

"Who cares? It's not like he saw us naked or anything. He's seen my legs before. I used to bathe the twerp when he was little. Don't tell me you didn't see you brothers on the farm? I'm sure there was a bunch of rushing around in the morning looking for stuff." Leigh commented as they headed down to dinner.

"Not after my umm breast started growing." Ellen whispered. "After that, father would beat anyone of us if he thought we were being inappropriate. He was very strict."

"What a load of pig shit." Leigh said with heat. "We're family and it doesn't hurt for family to see family from time to time, as long as no one gets all weird about it."

"Get weird about what? Do you have any more tats and can I see them?" Rory asked being his usual tactful self.

"NO and NO! Apologize to Ellen you embarrassed her." Leigh said as they sat down.

"Sorry," He said contritely. "What did I do now?" He asked the ceiling.

Ellen still couldn't get used to the dinners at the Sackett house. They were noisy with people talking and laughing. Everyone asked about everyone else's day and told jokes as they passed the food. It was a totally different experience than the hour of quiet reflection her father insisted on to eat his meal. Mrs. Sackett saw the confused girl and prayed for patients.

The weeks flew by as Leigh healed. Ellen had been putting off looking for her Aunt, but knew she couldn't keep living off these nice people. The thought of leaving depressed her, but she knew one day she would have to say goodbye and get on with her life. She knew she would always remember this as one of the best times of her life.

She brought this up to Melinda, as she was starting to call her, even though she still felt funny about it. She lost that argument as well as many others. Melinda told her that as long as she wanted to stay, she was welcome and she was a great help in getting LeighAnne on her feet again.

Ellen often pondered what was happening between her and the older woman. She knew one day that their friendship deepened. She didn't understand it, but she knew it all the same. She wanted to say so much but was held back by her upbringing. It wasn't appropriate to tell another woman you loved them, even in a platonic kind of way, though her feelings Leigh went a lot deeper.

Leigh wasn't immune to what was happening, but often wondered what it meant. She knew she was falling in love with a woman. She also knew she slept better when Ellen was in bed with her. She also kept having the dream with the ocean and the baby crying. She wondered about that too. She knew unless she adopted, she could never have a child, but for some reason, this felt different. She knew it was her baby. Was she misreading things? She was confused.

***

Melinda was tired of fielding questions about her leaving from Ellen and decided it was time to give the girl a nudge. She sent LeighAnne and Rory on an errand so she could have a talk with Ellen in private.

Not one to beat around the bush, she asked her what was on her mind as soon as the young woman sat down at the kitchen table where such things were discussed and plans were made.

"Honey I'm going to ask some personal questions, and I hope you can answer me honestly. What are your feelings for my daughter?"

"She's the best friend I've ever had." She answered automatically.

"Do you love her? Are you in love with her?" Melinda asked pointedly.

"I... I can't love her that way. Even if I did... The bible..."

"Oh, bother." Melinda said exasperated. "Sit here, I'll be right back." The older woman said as she got up to go get something. When she came back she had the big family bible in her hands.

Setting the book in front of Ellen, she asked. "I want you to show me where it says it is a sin to love!"

"But the church..." Ellen sputtered.

"Yeah I know the church." Melinda said rolling her eyes. "Would this be the same church that is in big trouble because the have a bunch of child molesters as priests? Or the church with the pastors who can't keep their pants zipped?" She opened the bible to the Ten Commandments.

"Show me where it says 'Thou Shall Not Love another Woman.' As a matter of fact, the first commandments are all about love. It says you are supposed to love. God made love and love is never wrong. Perversion is wrong, lying is wrong, stealing is wrong. There are many things that are wrong, but love never is."

"But sex is..."

"Are you having sex with my daughter?" She pinned the woman with her stare.

"NO! We've never..." Ellen recoiled shocked.

"That's what I thought." Melinda said as she relaxed back. "Don't get me wrong. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship, but is not the most important. So I will ask you again, do you love my daughter?"

"Yes, but..."

"Was that so hard? And, there are no buts. Love is never wrong. If you love her then you need to let her know..."

"But we can never. I mean we're... I can't..." Ellen looked around the room for an escape.

"God, you're just as stubborn as she is." Melinda said exasperated. "Maybe that's a good thing. That means you can stand up to her when you know you're right and not let her run you over. You've been asking about finding your Aunt, and some day you should, but do you really want to leave LeighAnne? What does your heart tell you? Once you answer that I think you'll be a step closer to what needs to be done. We love you and don't want to see you hurt if it can be helped. Give it some thought and let me know if you really want to go find your Aunt right now."

She saw the confusion on the girls face and patted her. "Take your time dear, there's no hurry. You're a smart capable woman. You'll do what's right for you. I have faith in you."

It was after watching Ellen struggle with something for days that Leigh asked her to take a walk to the corner store. After walking for awhile in quiet companionship, she started the conversation.

"Whatcha thinking about so hard? You've been chewing on that bone for days."

"Huh, oh, I had a talk with your mom and I can't get it all straight in my head."

"Yeah Mom's a born busybody." Leigh said as she hooked her arm in Ellen's. "Don't let her talk you into anything. Just do what's right for you. I'll stand behind you." She was going to say more but a car full of boys zoomed by calling out cat calls.

Ellen looked stricken at the vulgar words. "Don't let them bother you." Leigh reassured her. "Their summer people, they come here, act like asses and leave. You'll find small minded people everywhere you go." Ellen couldn't put her finger on it, but Leigh had changed in some way. Not a bad way but she seemed more at peace with herself.