Screw Your Roses, Asshole

There was security, there was comfort, there was warmth and caring, there was all of that but there wasn't that flame that drew me even though I knew Fred'd look after me.

"I'd like you to stay, Alex," he added. "You don't have to go looking for anywhere else to stay."

"Okay," I said sleepily and the look on his face, I knew he meant it. Really meant it and I slept.

He did, and it was two weeks before I even looked at my cell. Didn't need it. I went to work with Fred, I went home with Fred. I ate with Fred. Bathed with Fred. Slept with Fred. Made love with Fred. But when I finally looked at my cell my voice mail was full and I had, like, a gazillion text messages over the last few days. It was Mikhail and shit, I felt so bad. Mikhail was leaving me messages telling me he missed me and he wanted me and I was in bed with Fred and I did like the guy.

Just, I loved Mikhail. I kind of looked at my cell and I looked at Fred lying there asleep, that smile on his face and fuck, he looked really happy and it was me that'd made him happy and I felt like crap coz I knew I wasn't staying. I was going back to Mikhail and I couldn't help it and I didn't know why I was but I just started to cry.

"You know, I've really got this thing for you, Alex," Fred said, looking down at me and it did feel good to have him holding me and we were lying on a rug in front of his fireplace with the fire lit and it was just so peaceful and relaxing and secure and I really thought maybe I should stay with him. "I mean, you're here now, you've been here a couple of weeks. You could stay. Maybe move in with me sort of permanently?" He sounded so fucking hopeful and I actually thought about it.

I did. I mean, I liked Fred. A lot. I'd enjoyed being with him and I'd felt so safe and secure and cared for and his bed was so fucking comfortable too. And the apartment. Fuck, I'd like to live in an apartment like this. It was so fucking ... I don't know, I just liked it. One of those old industrial loft places. Exposes timber, old bricks, high ceiling, polished wood floors. Fireplace. Kind of all arty and stuff. And a real bathroom that was clean and had an honest to god Jacuzzi bath, not just a crappy shower in a corner.

Not like the hole Mikhail and I were living in. Not to mention his entire fucking band.

"Umm..." I had no idea what to say and shit, if it wasn't that I loved Mikhail I'd have said yes right then but I loved Mikhail, even though he was a complete fucking asshole sometimes and I'd left him and I'd been here in Fred's bed for the last two weeks I can tell you, I felt so fucking bad about that now. "Uhh..."

Fred hushed whatever it was I'd been going to say with his finger. "Listen to me, Alex. That boyfriend of yours, he's no good for you, he's just abusing you, taking you for a ride. Everyone can see that. You're going to get hurt if you go back to him, I'm telling you." His lips brushed mine and I did, I kissed him back.

"Stay here, you can stay with me, Alex." He was just about pleading. "We'd be good for each other, you and me."

"Yeah, we would," I said, and I knew we would be, even if he was a lot older than me. Way older. Like, fifteen years older. "But I love Mikhail, even if he's an asshole sometimes, and I know he loves me. I gotta go back to him, Fred," I said. "He loves me and I love him and you know, I like you a lot Fred." I smiled kind of wetly, and if I kept this up I was going to be crying. "But I can't stay here. I have to go back to him."

I felt like shit. Fred's face, I knew he wanted me and I liked the guy and I knew I was hurting him but I had to do what was best for me. I knew that was Mikhail, but I felt so sorry for Fred.

"I can't stay," I said. But then I eased closer to him, right up against him, pressing myself against him. "But I'm here now." I slid one of my legs over his hip and it felt so good when I reached down with my hand and his cock was so hard. "I'm here now, Fred," and my hand stroked him and I half wanted to cry because if I didn't love Mikhail, Fred would've been wonderful and he was getting hard in my hand and I did enjoy making love with him.

I'd never thought I'd enjoy making love with someone else but I had, I really liked it with Fred and he had me climaxing so good. But with him, my heart didn't pound like it did as soon as I looked at Mikhail. I didn't totally lose control the way I did with Mikhail, because as soon as Mikhail touched me, I'd do anything he wanted and I knew that and with Fred, it just wasn't there. But I liked Fred. A lot.

"I'm here now, Fred, tonight. You can do what you want to me tonight. Anything you want." I kissed him and I held him in my hand and I meant that. Anything he wanted. "Anything you want, Fred."

"Alex," Fred breathed, and he wasn't doing anything, just holding me and breathing hard as my hand stroked his cock. "Jesus, Alex. I don't want you to go."

"I know, Fred," I said and I was stroking him and he was so hard. "I know you don't but I love him and I have to go back to him." I did have tears in my eyes now. "But you've got tonight with me, Fred. You can do anything you want with me tonight."

He held me. All night. Nothing else, he just held me and I slept in his arms and when I woke up he was still holding me, looking at me and I think he must've been awake and holding me and looking at me all night. I woke up and his eyes were sad and I kissed him and only then did we make love, slowly, gently and I must have climaxed three times before he finished and the look on his face when I was climaxing, I knew he was enjoying my excitement and I was making him happy and I knew my pleasure was what Fred wanted as well as his own but afterwards, after breakfast together when I was ready to leave, he looked so sad.

"Where the hell have you been, Alex?" Mikhail was so wound up when I walked in the door. No-one else was there, just Mikhail and I looked at him and I'd missed him so much and I just burst into tears.

"Hey," he said, taking me in his arms. "Hey. I was worried about you."

"I stayed with a friend from work," I said. "I'm sorry I walked out, Mikhail. I love you."

He held me in his arms. "Yeah, I know you do Alex. I missed you. Hey, rent's due. How about we pay that and the utilities and jump into bed."

"Okay, yeah." Sniffling, I logged on and did the rent payment. Paid the utilities as well. That just about cleaned out my bank account but payday was Wednesday.

"Mind if I borrow some?" he said, taking the cash from my handbag. "Bit short right now."

"That's okay," I said. I had my bus tickets already.

Then we jumped into bed and made love and for once, Mikhail was gentle and caring and it was just so good that I couldn't imagine how I could ever have walked out on him.

"That good, Alex? You like that?" His hands held my hips and he was fucking me slowly, easing his cock into me and fuck, I loved his cock inside me, moving, sliding, thrusting. Fucking me.

"Uhhh ... uhhh ... yeah ... oh yeah ... I love it .... I love it... do me, Mikhail ... do me..."

Mikhail did.

"You can do anything you want to me... anything you want..." My hands clutched at the sheet, forehead resting between my fists. Oh fuck, yes, yes, he could, he could do anything he wanted to me and this was so good and he'd done it to me like this before but after being away from him and making love with Fred, I'd missed Mikhail so much. Missed the way he just took me and had me doing whatever he wanted and I really had and I did love him.

"Anything I want?"

"Anything you want, Mikhail," I moaned as his cock slid up inside me so slowly, torturing me with that slowness and Fred had been caring and gentle and sweet and slow but Mikhail fucking me however he wanted was just so much better and I tried to push myself back on him but he just held me in place so that I shivered with my need as he eased into me and I loved the way he did that. "I love you ... I love you ... anything."

"Oh yeah?" His voice, he just purred and I rippled.

"Nnnuuuhhhhh." Shuddered as all of him filled me and he held himself inside and my sex was just clasping him so beautifully and why had I ever been so upset with him. Kneeling on our mattress with him behind me, his cock in me, my arms slowly collapsed until my face was resting on my pillow.

"Anything," I moaned, and yeah, I meant it.

"I wanna fuck your ass."

"Huh?" Oh Jesus his cock in me was so good.

"I wanna fuck your ass."

"Okay." I just went kind of blank and he did, slowly, and okay, it didn't hurt like that first time and he was slow and he used lube and everything but I can't say I liked it. It was kind of okay and Mikhail really enjoyed it and I was, like, okay, if he really wanted to he could do that.

Afterwards we had a shower together and after that, well, I sucked him hard and we made love again and he made me climax so hard that I saw stars and I went to sleep in Mikhail's arms, happy that we were together again and I was with him and for the next few weeks it was good.

The band stayed, but they kept the noise down when I went to bed.

Mikhail woke me up early and fucked me before I headed off to work. When I came home that evening, he fucked my ass again and I didn't really like it but it didn't hurt as much that time and I tried not to make so much noise coz the others were in the other room but I couldn't help it and I knew they could hear and that was just, like, humiliating. But he did it and I let him and really, it wasn't so bad.

Things settled down. The band started staying out and fucked if I knew what they were doing. They didn't have any gigs and Mikhail was out with them and he'd borrow some money from me and he usually got back even later than I did. We kind of saw each other now and then in the evenings but I was working my ass off and usually I just got home and went to sleep before he got back and sometimes we made love in the mornings before I went off to work. I wasn't so much into that coz he always wanted me just before I was supposed to leave.

Making love, a mad rush to shower and dress and run for the bus. Every now and then he wanted to fuck my ass and I didn't like that much, coz it always left my ass sore and then I had to work all day. But when I told him that he got mad with me and he almost hit me and I was so frightened I cried and after that he held me and then he fucked my ass and I let him coz I loved him and I didn't want him upset with me.

So yeah, things were back to normal.

Fred kind of looked at me but he never said a thing about that couple of weeks I'd spent at his place with him but he did look kind of sad when he looked at me and I was sorry for that and I knew he wanted me back but I loved Mikhail.

February thirteenth. I'd had the morning off, come in late afternoon for the evening shift and I'd been taking Valentine's Day bookings for the next day and I was kind of sad coz thinking about it, Mikhail had never bought me flowers or a card or anything for Valentine's Day. Not in two and a half years. Actually, he'd never bought me flowers, ever, at all. Me, I'd got him something every time and that just didn't seem very fair to me.

"You've got the Montana room, Alex," Fred said to me around nine. "Big group just came in, rock band or something, sounds like they wanna party like there's no tomorrow 'n and I know you like that band stuff, some kind of metal band I think."

"Cool," I said, heading down towards the noise. They were loud ... they were ... holy guacamole! Was that ...? Oh man, yeah, it was. Fuck! War Machine. Mikhail was gonna be so jealous.

"Hi guys," I breezed right on up, recognized every single one of them. Dominator. Dante. Blaze. Crow. Raven. Oh my god, Raven? I just idolized her. Half a dozen others. "I'm your waitress for tonight, my name's Alex. What can I do for you?"

"Sit on my face?" Crow gave me that shit-eating grin that I just loved on their video clips. Crow was the guy I just totally fan-girled over and he was more than a bit drunk, which I guess you kind of expected with a metal band.

"Sure," I said, and I did that move that I'd learnt in that self-defence class I took a couple of years ago and next second he was on his back on the floor and I was kneeling over his face and yeah, I did it, I sat on his face and okay, I was wearing shorts under that skirt so yeah, I was sitting on his face but he wasn't getting a faceful of pussy and I was kind of a bit stunned with myself but I guess Crow was the kind of insane guy that inspired insanity coz yeah, that was about the craziest thing I'd ever done.

Apart from coming here with Mikhail I guess.

"One mustache ride for Crow. What can I get the rest of you?" I said, pad in one hand, pen in the other coz shit, I never was good at memorizing orders and I wasn't fucking this one up.

Raven had her face buried in her forearms on the table and her shoulders were shaking. Dante was just laughing so hard he couldn't speak, Blaze was choking on whatever it was he was drinking and Dominator was just giggling like the girly-guy he was.

"I'll have one of them too," Blaze spluttered, grinning.

"Fuck off," Crow said, and I could feel his mouth moving and I kind of wriggled on him. "I haven't finished my order yet, dude."

"Oh yes you have," I said, standing and shit, he was laughing.

"Now that was fucking funny," he grinned.

I smiled. "Would you like a drink with that?"

"Fuck yeah." He was laughing. "Bourbon all round, bring a few bottles. What's the best one you've got?"

"They want to buy you a drink, you siddown with them and take a break, Alex," Fred said. "Enjoy yourself. Those guys are spending like there's no tomorrow, you just sit there and encourage them." He laughed. "Jesus, you just got them to buy six bottles of Old Fitzgerald Bourbon and you know what we list that stuff at. Five and a half kay a bottle and Jesus, you got them to buy six frigging bottles? That was all of that we had, good work, Alex. I'll get one of the other girl's to help."

"Thanks, Fred. You sure it's okay?"

"Yeah, you go sit with them, have some fun. You're the hardest working girl here, I'll get the others to cover your other tables. Nobodies gonna mind, the tips from tonight are gonna be as big as the rest of the entire frigging month combined thanks to you." He grinned, pushed my shoulder. "Go on, have some fun tonight, you deserve it."

"My boyfriend's in a metal band," I said, and I was perched on a chair between Crow and Dominator and I couldn't believe I was sitting there with War Machine drinking. There were half a dozen groupies and a few other guys and I recognized their manager but shit, this was just making my year. "They're good, but they're not as good as you guys, been doing a few gigs around Seattle."

"Yeah, what they play?" Dominator was kind of coming on to me, I knew, but shit, I liked him.

"Death Metal," I said, "kind of model themselves on you guys."

"Cool," Crow said. Then, "Hey, seriously, how good are they? We need a warm-up act for Friday and Saturday for the gig we're doing here. Act we had booked cancelled, the motherfuckers broke up and just called and said sorry. No fucking integrity, they coulda hung it together for another fucking week and then broken up. It's a fucking pain in the ass and finding a good warm-up act, that's fucking tough. What's your boyfriend's band like?"

"They're good," I said, sipping on my half a tumbler of Old Fitzgerald and ice and it was smooth. I didn't like bourbon at all but this was good. Should be, cost just that tumbler with half a shot in it was setting them back, like, close to a hundred bucks. I'd never drunk anything this expensive in my life and they'd knocked it back like water and they were onto the cheap shit now. The stuff that only cost two kay a bottle. Jesus.

"They do covers like you wouldn't believe 'n they got some really good original stuff too. Got a good act." They did, even that fat bitch Laney.

"Well fuck, it wouldn't hurt to listen to them, they got a gig this weekend?"

"No," I said, "I don't think so."

"Well shit, we're having a party at the hotel after this, come along." He grinned at me, his hand on my knee and yeah, I'd have taken it off if it was any higher but it was only my knee. "Come along, call them up and ask them and bring a demo or something. It's fucking short notice and we're screwed if we can't get someone."

"There's a lot of bands 'd jump to do the warm-up for you guys," I said.

"None with a selling point like you, Alex." That smile and it was kind of doing things to me. I'd always thought Crow was hot but in person, Jesus, it was like some kind of magnetic attraction and it took thinking about Mikhail to put that one away. "Call 'em up. Tell them midnight at the Connaught Hotel."

"Where's that?"

He told me and I kind of knew but shit, I was the only one with a phone. The others, there's had all been cancelled coz they hadn't paid the bills and they hadn't bothered switching to a pay in advance plan or anything coz I was taking all the calls, not that they were flooding in, and their cards had my number down as the manager.

"I better go get them and bring them along," I said. Then, "is that okay? Really? Coz they're out and if I bring them along and you're bullshitting me, he's gonna be totally fucking mad with me. You really serious?" All I could think was, wow, what an opportunity for Mikhail and the band. War Machine were big. Maybe not huge, but fucking big and they had a huge fucking fan base. Jesus, this'd get Mikhail that exposure and after doing a warm-up for War Machine, that'd help them get more gigs for sure.

And that'd get them out of our apartment.

Crow looked at me and he grinned. 'Hey, no bullshit. We do fucking need an act and as long as they're not a total waste of fucking space, hey, why not. Pay it forward, that's what I say, that's how we got our fucking start." He looked around. "Hey guys," he yelled. "Maybe we got a warm-up act here, I'm off with her to bring 'em to the hotel, see ya all there. We can check 'em out." Crow looked across at Blaze and Dante, then to Dominator. "Whaddaya say guys, interested?"

They all looked at me. Me, I just sat there next to Crow with my heart pounding.

"Kay dude."

And just like that I was walking out with Crow and Fred was kind of watching me, a bit stunned, as Crow followed me into a cab and I hoped to god I'd remembered where they were all going and that they were actually fucking there.

They were, and wasn't that a fucking relief and it was some kind of warehouse party and it took fucking forever to find Mikhail, and when I did he was a bit fucked off with me coz I turned up with some death metal dude.

"Hi Mikhail." He was dancing with that fat bitch Laney, and okay, I didn't like her but better her than some blonde groupie with big boobs I guess.

"What the fuck're you doing here, Alex? Who the fuck's that motherfucker?"

"He's Crow, from, you know, War Machine, and they were at the restaurant tonight and they need a warm-up act for their gig this weekend so I told him about you guys and he was, like, totally cool about checking you guys out. The act they had cancelled on them and shit, Mikhail, this is a real opportunity for you guys."

"For fucking real?"

"Yeah, I think so. They gotta party on back at their hotel and Crow, he invited me along and I said let's pick up you guys on the way and he was totally cool with that. Limo's waiting outside. It's a stretch Limo and it's got, like, a bar and everything."