Secrets and Surrender

I paused uncertainly. Kylie watched me, her expression only mildly amused.

"I guess maybe it looks almost like one, huh?"

"Almost," Kylie agreed. "Not where I would have picked, necessarily." She shrugged. "Though there's something to be said for keeping it casual."

I studied her a moment, trying to figure out where her head was at. "So what if this was a date?"

"You didn't ask me out."

"No. But if I had?"

Kylie tilted her head, eyes half-focused on me in thought. "That's an interesting question," she murmured. "I think I'd have said yes, but--"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But I don't know that I should."

"Why not?"

"Because maybe it'd be for the wrong reasons."

"So are lots of dates."

Kylie's lips twitched in a crooked smile. "True enough."

I chewed my lip, considering for a moment. "I'll have to ask you out for real one of these days."

"We just established that I'd only say yes for the wrong reasons."

"Only the wrong ones?"

"Well... no. But some wrong ones. Like... maybe I think you're the only good option I've got, until I move somewhere else."

"Sure, yeah, maybe. But at least you think I'm a good option."

"Maybe I should have said decent option."

"Maybe."

"Or what if it goes badly? I'm s'posed to go back to not having you to hang with a school?"

I tilted my head. "So you don't want to risk not liking me because you like me?"

"Not at all what I said."

"No, but not too far off either, I think." I shrugged. "I won't ask if you really don't want me to. But I don't think that's what it is. I just think you're nervous."

"Of course I am! You make me feel almost normal sometimes, and I don't know what the fuck to do with that."

"Oh. Oh wow."

"Too heavy?"

"No, it's good. It's... intense. But I appreciate where you're coming from."

Kylie took a long drink to avoid speaking or making eye contact for a moment. "I mean it," she said softly. "I sometimes feel normal with you. And I don't want to lose that."

"Dates are normal."

"Not with me."

"Why not?"

"Because... because."

"Oh. Well when you put it so eloquently..."

Kylie snorted. "Shut up. I'm trying."

I nodded. "Ok, well, what about this?"

"This?"

"Right now. This is almost like a date. This is fine, isn't it?"

"But it's not a date."

"No. But it's like what one would be." I shrugged. "Disappointing as it may be, I probably wouldn't be any more inventive than grabbing food somewhere."

"Not even a movie first?"

"Well... maybe. But I just feel weird about that. Like, go on a date with someone, then just sit next to each other for two hours without speaking? I'm not convinced."

"Huh. Yeah. When you put it that way..."

"It's mostly just about excuses to chill and talk, right?"

"That's already what we do."

"Yeah, but... differently. Somehow."

Kylie chewed another fry. "You sure it's not about trying to get into each other's pants?"

I coughed, nearly choking on the mouthful of milkshake I'd been in the midst of swallowing. "I mean, in a sense. Kinda. Maybe."

"I'm pretty sure it's the pants thing."

"I, uh..."

"And you probably don't really want in my pants."

My face was painfully warm and I kind of wanted to just hit the ejector seat on the conversation. I summoned all my foolish determination and ventured forward anyway.

"Why don't I?" I asked.

"You can't guess?"

"Well..."

"Not even gonna try?"

I swallowed hard. "Do you still have..."

"A dick? Yeah. Haven't fixed that yet."

"Ah."

I felt like Kylie had remained altogether too calm, considering. Her even stare made my own awkwardness and red face all the more embarrassing for me.

"So you probably don't, am I right?" she asked.

"What if I'm ok with it?"

"Then I'd be worried."

"Why?"

"'Cause you're probably fetishizing me."

"I... what? No. Just, like, I like you."

"Sure. I like you too. But you're probably in over your head here."

"And you're being overly defensive here."

Kylie sipped her milkshake, giving me quite the crooked look. I thought she might tear into me for a second, but then the moment passed.

"I am," she admitted. "It's a bit of a sore point for me."

"I get that."

"To an extent, maybe."

"As best I can without living with a vagina for a while, I imagine."

Kylie's lips flicked into what was almost a smile, just for a second, then went neutral again. "Either way, it's probably not happening."

"Give it time. Think about it."

"You think I haven't?"

"... have you?"

"Of course."

"And?"

"Exactly what I just said."

"No, Kylie. What do you think of it? Nevermind what you think I think."

Kylie went quiet for a while. Uncomfortably long, really, but I was determined at this point to get a straight answer. Speaking for me was only a way of deflecting from that. I assumed. If it wasn't, then she was just guessing, and she was wrong. Probably. I couldn't actually say totally for certain based on experiences I hadn't had yet, but to the best of my knowledge, I meant everything I'd told her.

"I don't want to lose you yet," she said quietly.

"I--"

"Shut up for a second. Let me finish. If... if it was a little closer to the end of the year, fine. I'd go for it. See what happened. But it's not close enough yet, and I don't want to risk ruining this... whatever it is we have."

"Friends, Kylie. We're friends."

"Yeah. That."

I shrugged. "I mean, I think that's a fair answer."

"Thanks so much for your approval."

"Don't be shitty. You were putting words in my mouth. Speaking for future me. Risking friendship for maybe getting something more... that's more legit."

Kylie slumped in her seat. "Shit, I'm ruining things anyway, aren't I?"

"No. Hell no. This is good."

"Fighting?"

"Not hardly. Skirmishing, maybe. You should have seen the blowup I had with my parents when they told me we were moving. That was a fight."

A ghost of a smirk appeared on Kylie's face. "Maybe this is a fight, and that was a war."

"Maybe. I stand by my analysis."

Kylie reached for her milkshake, pulled it closer to her mouth, then stopped and shook her head. "I need something more substantial to eat, I think. You want anything?"

"No. I'm good for now, thanks."

Kylie ordered a burger while I toyed with the remnants of our fries. Disaster had been averted, to some extent. I wasn't quite sure where we were at anymore, but it was probably going to be ok.

"You shoulda got something," Kylie said once she had her burger. "Now I'ma feel weird eating while you stare at me."

"Maybe I won't stare."

"You're staring now."

"We're talking. That's what people do when they talk."

"So stop, then."

"Fine."

"Fine." Kylie took a bite, chewed, and swallowed. "You're still staring."

"What else am I s'posed to do? Stare at the ceiling like an idiot?"

"Maybe. I dunno. Just not at me."

"Maybe you're the only thing worth staring at."

"Thing?"

"You know. As opposed to the ceiling. Or the wall. Or whatever."

"Uh huh." Kylie took another bite while arching her eyebrow and waiting for me to dig myself deeper.

"I mean," I said carefully, "that I like looking at you."

"Weird."

"Not weird. You're beautiful, you know."

"Ha, right."

"You are. That's what drew me to you in the first place."

"Before you knew."

"Before I knew. It didn't change anything."

Kylie chewed slowly, eyeing me thoughtfully. "I accept the compliment," she finally said.

"So glad to hear it."

"But are you sure it's worth hanging with me just 'cause of that?"

"Who the hell said that was the only reason? That was just the initial one. You're also kind of alone, like me, if for different reasons. You get what it's like. And you're fun to hang with. So much less pressure on stuff. We can just chill."

"I'm pretty, I'm an outcast, and I'm easy?"

"Er... I don't think that's quite what I said."

"Pretty close, dude."

"Ok, fine, so you don't think there's any good reason we hang out?"

"Well... you kinda just keep showing up."

"Hey!"

"Nah, for real though, you're easy to hang with too. Low pressure, like you say." Kylie tilted her head. "Plus you're kinda cute too."

I flushed just a little warmer than before. "Thanks."

"But don't get the wrong idea. We're still not dating."

"I'm too out of your league, huh?"

"Other way around, more like."

"I dunno. You've got ketchup on your chin. Pretty sloppy."

Kylie grabbed a napkin and wiped her chin with impressive speed, and only a small but adorable squeak of surprise and indignation. "Don't look so smug about that," she warned darkly.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"This is why I didn't want you to look."

"Ah, but if I hadn't looked, you wouldn't have know. It would have been more embarrassing in the long run."

"I'd take my chances."

Kylie slowly made her way through the rest of her burger while eating all the more carefully and daintily. I felt nervous butterflies take a firmer hold of me the closer she got to finishing, and only getting worse as we left the diner. She gave me a curious look for walking so slowly, but I had other things on my mind.

We didn't go very far before I felt like we weren't being directly observed, and that the moment was right. I reached over for her hand, felt her tense at the contact, watched her turn, confused frown on her face.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Holding my hand?"

"Briefly," I said.

I stepped closer, staring into her eyes. She didn't know what to do. I only barely did.

I raised my free hand to Kylie's cheek, brushing it tenderly with my fingertips. I made my movements slow and gentle, as though reassuring a timid puppy. Kylie stared back at me, frozen, unsure, anxious, and waiting.

I kissed her, only softly, delicately. I waited for her to tense again, or pull away. She didn't. She didn't push forward either. Just stood there, still unsure.

"Now it's a date," I whispered.

"Cheating," she replied faintly.

"It's in the rules."

"I called no date. That's cheating."

"So you agree it's a date now?"

"Yes, dammit."

"Would you say it's going well?"

"Makes the top ten for me anyway."

"Could be worse, I guess."

"Sure could. If you hadn't made the top ten, it'd be worrisome."

"You haven't been on ten?" I hazarded.

"Correct."

I kissed Kylie again. She pulled her hand away from mine, but only so she could press back against me and lift her arms to my shoulders. It was a much better kiss all round.

I slipped my arms around her in a gentle embrace, straddling the line between loose and tight. This was uncertain territory, even if she was now kissing me just as firmly as I was her.

"We should keep moving," Kylie said.

"Do we have to?"

"Yes. People are gonna stare."

"So?"

"I don't like being stared at, Carter. You should know that."

"I dunno. I stared at you and it got you to kiss me."

"That is not at all how that went." She slipped from my arms, but took my hand as we headed away. "What do you think? Keep going, or turn around and catch the bus home?"

"It's still early for the busses." I shrugged. "We could walk for a bit, then go back? We probably should go back eventually, at least, 'cause otherwise I don't know how I'm getting home."

"Yeah. Me either."

So we walked, fingers intertwined, sometimes talking, sometimes silent.

I had very little idea what I was doing, but it felt good, and I was pretty sure Kylie wasn't any more certain than I was, so at least we were even.

I didn't dare kiss her back at school as we split up to our respective busses. I didn't care about anyone seeing, not much anyway, but I was quite certain she'd be pissed about it. I settled for giving her hand a last squeeze before separating. She half turned and gave me a quick smile before we parted and went our own ways.

****

Things went pretty great for a little while. I got some shit for cutting a whole afternoon, as did Kylie, but it honestly wasn't a big deal. I was getting to the point of realizing just how unimportant high school was, how powerless the jackass administrators were, and how irrelevant all the bullshit was.

Maybe it had taken being swept from my comfort zone to see it. I was pretty sure I'd have been happy staying in my familiar world-view bubble, believing that it all mattered, that I needed to respect the principal and my teachers and all the rules, and that it would pay off someday.

The main downside to staying in such a bubble was that I probably wouldn't have met Kylie. Not in the same way, at least. Not so that we'd get so close and start spending most of our free time at school together, and even some time outside it as well.

We hadn't done anything more than kiss and hold hands, and that was fine. I loved just getting some light makeouts in, and she was responding with more interest and enthusiasm all the time. She'd even initiated a few times, though she was more hesitant about it a lot of the time. Possibly due to her notion of the gender roles she was expected to fill. I didn't feel like they were super important, but I recognized they mattered more to her, and she had to figure out her own path.

I got suspended about a week after our afternoon adventure. It was unrelated, mostly, but there was a chain of events leading to it. I planned on telling anyone who asked that it was, in fact, because I'd buggered off halfway through the day. Getting temporarily kicked out of class for missing class had a deliciously ironic flavour to it that I appreciated, even if it wasn't the truth in this case.

I evaded Kylie's questions over text, though I was happy to talk to her about most anything else. It'd only be a couple days anyway, then I'd be back.

Nevertheless, she must have decided that wasn't good enough. I was lying in bed one afternoon, fully clothed, on my back, hands back under my head. Bored to shit, essentially. I'd had some privileges revoked at home as a result of my suspension, though I was pretty sure that was only because I'd refused to explain my line of thought to my parents. They knew why I'd been suspended, and they were pretty sure there was more to it than they'd been told, but I sure as hell wasn't explaining it. Even for the sake of leniency.

Mom knocked on my door, waited a moment, then came in without waiting for me to answer. To be fair, I wasn't sure I would have answered.

"There's someone here to see you," she said.

"Oh?"

"She says she brought classwork for you."

"Ah. Good. My education is very important to me."

Mom frowned. "I wish you wouldn't say things like that. Like you mean the exact opposite."

"I do, in fact, mean the exact opposite." I sat up and smiled winsomely. "But what the hell, maybe I'll look at it anyway."

"Carter..."

"Yeah, Mom. I'll actually look at it. Ok?"

She nodded tersely, concern still evident in her eyes. "Can I send her up?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

Mom left. Moments later she was replaced by Kylie. I'd been hoping it would be her. I wasn't even sure who else it would be, but I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up too high.

"Hey there, rebel boy."

"That's me. Nice of you to bring school to me, since my rebellious ways have taken it away."

Kylie snorted and stepped into the room. "I didn't bring anything."

"Oh? Coming to see me under false pretenses, huh?"

"You know it."

I patted my bed. She slipped her bag to the ground and sat next to me.

"I'll be back the day after tomorrow," I said. "It won't be that long."

"I know. But I missed you, you stupid trouble-making goofball. You know I was perfectly happy spending breaks by myself before you go and get me feeling like a regular human being again?"

"My bad."

"Damn straight."

I hesitated. "So you heard why I got suspended?"

"Duh. Everyone did, sooner or later. It wasn't subtle."

"No. I guess not. I'd hoped, though."

Kylie toyed with a few strands of her hair. "So you know I need to ask."

"You don't have to."

"I do." She looked straight at me. "Why'd you kick Ben in the balls?"

I sighed. "He was being a dick."

"So what's new?"

"More than usual."

"There's something specific, isn't there?"

"Maybe."

"And you don't want to tell me?"

"Correct."

"So it's about me?"

"... maybe."

"Dude, Andrea told me."

"Oh."

"He was picking on you about your 'boyfriend.'"

"... yeah."

"I've heard worse. You didn't have to do that."

"Yeah, well, it felt right." I shrugged. "And Rob texted me earlier. Apparently Ben's been less of an asshole since. So maybe he just needed a good kick in the dick."

"He's got issues," Kylie said. "He's not just an asshole."

"You're gonna be standing up for that shit now?"

"No. Just... I don't want you kicking everyone in the dick. Your foot would get tired."

I laughed. "Don't worry. Lots of 'em don't have bits to kick. So that helps."

"You can still kick people in the pussy, dude. It's a similar motion."

"True."

"Give 'em the old cunt punt, if you will."

I laughed harder, and it only got worse when Kylie started giggling too.

"That's so horrible," I said.

"Hey, you started it."

"I know. But still." I wiped a few errant tears from my eyes. "Dick kicks and cunt punts."

"Both getting you equally suspended, I imagine."

"Yeah. I'm lucky I didn't get worse, really." I sighed. "And you're right, I shouldn't have done it. Ben'll grow up on his own eventually. Hopefully. I think he's starting to realize no one else thinks it's funny anymore. Maybe he's just slow."

"Lots of people are."

"If too many people are slow, doesn't that just make them average?"

"I dunno. Maybe."

I grinned at Kylie. "Still, enough about that. Seems like I got you in my room, huh?"

"Don't you look at me like that. I just wanted to see you. You happened to be in your room, is all."

"Yeah, but you're here now anyway."

"I said stop looking at me like that!"

I ignored her and leaned in. In spite of her protests, she met me halfway, bringing our lips together in what was becoming a comfortable prelude to making out for us. The first kiss of many.

I pushed against Kylie more aggressively, getting closer and closer, kissing her deeper. She giggled and nearly fell over a few times as her space was crowded out. I kept pushing. She tried to force me back again, to crowd me out instead, but was already at a disadvantage, and wasn't really trying that hard.

Kylie giggled even harder as I gave her a particularly well calculated shove and she went sprawling on her back. I crawled atop her even as she tried to sit back up.

"Stop," she said, playfully swatting at me. "I didn't come over for this."

"But it would be such a shame not to make use of the opportunity now that you're here."

"Is that all this is? Convenience?"

"Hell no. This is you being sexy and alluring and in my bed."

Kylie flushed. "M'not those things. 'Cept in your bed. I can't really deny that one."

"You are all three," I insisted.

"Well you're just a horny boy--"

"True."

"--taking advantage--"

"Somewhat true."

"--of poor little me."

"Not hardly true."

"Very true! I came over just to see you, just 'cause I miss you, and here you are trying to... trying to..."

"Trying to what? Go ahead. Say it."

Kylie had gone bright red. "You know."

"I know I wanted to make out with you. You look like you're thinking of something else."

"No. M'not. Just..."

"Just what?" I danced my fingers up her side, over her layered tops, nearly to her breast before sliding away. "I think maybe your mind's going place mine hasn't yet."

"Well good. 'Cause I'm not ready for those places."

"Me either. I wasn't even thinking them." I booped her nose. "That was all you."

Kylie squirmed beneath me. "Well you're on top of me. On your bed. Being all... all..."