September Blue

"Ashlee, you're perfect," he breathed, before licking me again. Lifting his face, looking so elated, so happy. "You're just right, everything about you is just right for me."

He meant it, I knew. I reached down with one hand, stroking his head as he lapped at me, as his tongue danced over me, drawing my hips upwards in little jerks as I found myself wanting more.

"You're mine, Ashlee, you're all mine and I love you my gorgeous little sis."

Nobody had ever called me gorgeous before, but when Ryan said it like that, I believed him completely, knowing that to him I was. "I love you Ryan, I love you and I'm yours. I'm yours forever."

He smiled again, smiled and pushed two fingers inside me, the fingers of his other hand holding my labia open for him to lick my clitoris while his fingers eased in and out of me and I'd never seen anything so exciting. Never imagined watching a guy do things like this to me could drive me half crazy and the noises my pussy was making. Wet noises around his finger and I could feel how wet I was.

"You're so wet." He felt that too and now he moved up and over me, pushing me back down onto the bed. His voice whispered in my ear as his fingers slid out of me, caressing my labial lips as the head of his cock gently nudged against me. As I tasted myself on his lips as he kissed me.

"That's what you do to me, Ryan," I gasped. "As soon as I think about you."

He pushed against me, my pussy fluttered with anticipation for just a moment and then he was inside me, sliding inwards, plunging inwards at the end. That sensation of being completely filled radiated through me, drawing a soft moan of pleasure from me as his weight came down on me, as he took me, as he possessed me.

"Ashlee ... Ashlee..." The sound of my name on his lips, breathed with such passion, such love, such want and need.

"Ryan ... Ryan." Echoed in my own whisper as his cock began to move inside me, easing in and out, taking his time, enjoying me, each long slide reverberating through me, bringing a sobbing gasp or a soft moan from my lips as I clung to him, as I surrendered myself to Ryan, to my big brother. To my love.

Pure pleasure washing through me as he moved on me, as he rode me, as he took his pleasure with me and brought that raw ecstasy to me and I wasn't thinking anymore, I was absorbing. I was feeling.

"On the floor," I moaned at last, drawing my knees back, my hands reaching down to his butt, holding him, feeling his muscles tense as he thrust into me, looking up at his face above mine as his cock filled me. "I want it hard, Ryan, I want you to fuck me hard so I'm sore in the morning, so I can feel what you did to me and remember it."

He smiled, moving inside me, thrusting up inside me again so that I shuddered with pleasure. How could it possibly feel better than what he was doing to me now, but I knew it could and I wanted that too.

"Everything," I moaned, clinging to him, his weight crushing down on my breasts, his legs spreading me so wide for his cock to take me. "Give me everything."

"Ooooooh." I gasped as he withdrew completely from me.

"On the floor, Ashlee, kneel for me." He was rolling of me, onto my bed, off my bed onto the floor. Onto the rug beside my bed. I scrambled after him, frantic with my need, my excitement, my desire to give my body to Ryan. To my love. Onto my knees in front of him, turning, on my hands and knees, shivering with anticipation as he moved in behind me, one hand caressing my butt. "God, I love looking at you, you're so hot, sis. You're butt's so cute"

"Ohhhhhhhhh." I wiggled my butt at him as one fingertip ran in a circle over my labia where I was so open and wetly ready for him. Already opened by his cock, wanting him back inside me.

"I want to fuck you hard, sis," he breathed, his finger slipping into me so that I sucked in my breath, my fingers clutching at the rug.

"Yes," I shivered, "Fuck me, Ryan. Fuck me as hard as you want.... Please."

"I like it when you say please." His voice was low, husky. He pushed two fingers inside me.

"Please," I moaned, "ohhhh please Ryan, please. Hard. Give it to me hard."

His cock filled me, his hands grasping my hips, holding me as he rammed himself completely into me in one hard thrust that buried his length in me.

"Uuunh!" And again. "Uuunh!" A kaleidoscope of colors dancing inside my head as he rammed himself into me again and again, hard unforgiving strokes, battering my body exquisitely, my breasts quivering like jello as he took me. Hard? He'd never done it to me hard like this before and it was almost painful. Almost. I buried my face in the pillow, biting it to muffle the noises I couldn't help making, clutching at it as I knelt for Ryan. As he knelt behind me, his hands holding my hips so tight, pulling me back on him as his cock slid into me so deeply. Again and again and again. His hands, holding me, his thumbs across my butt. I could feel them, pulling at my butt.

"Ashlee." So much desire. So much need. "I want you ... I want everything you have to give me."

"Anything," I moaned. "Anything you want to do to me, Ryan. I'm yours ... I'm yours..." And I was, I knew. I was his. I was Ryan's, body and soul. Heart and mind. Anything and everything, anyway he wanted to take me and I moaned and pushed myself back onto him, feeling his cock sliding inwards, feeling my body's shuddering need for him, feeling his urgency as he thrust himself deep into me, my back arching as he filled me.

Again and again and again. Hard thrusts, my moans and cries muffled by the pillow. Each of his thrusts battered my body exquisitely, unforgivingly, hard. Welcome. My breasts quivered with each of those thrusts, my body jolted, his pelvis slapped up against my butt and the backs of my thighs, his fingers dug into me almost painfully. My sex made those wet wet noises and it went on and on and on until I couldn't think straight. I couldn't think at all, mind a kaleidoscope of sensations, my body a mass of feelings that grew and grew and grew until it was all I could do not to scream and wail out loud.

"Now, Ashlee, now...I can't wait any more.. . I've got to .... I've got to," he groaned, stroking even harder. So hard. Brutally hard. Pulverizingly hard. Impaling me. Glorious welcome impalement.

"Yes. ... yes ... yes," I choked out, eyes wild, biting on the panties that I'd stuffed into my mouth to muffle the noises I was making, groaning, sobbing, choked off cries, clawing at the rug I knelt on, wanting him so much. That pulsing pleasure building inside me as he took me, feeling Ryan's urgency, knowing his control was gone and he was almost there and wanting him to finish in me. Wanting him to take his pleasure, find his satisfaction in me. Cum in me. Wanting that so much.

"Ashlee," he groaned, fingers digging into my hips, body slapping up hard against me where we joined. Where he piston his rigid length into me again and again. "Ashlee .... Ashlee..."

"Yes," I choked out, spitting my panties out now, pushing myself back on him, squeezing him tight as he moved urgently in me. "Do it Ryan ... finish in me now ... now ...I want it now, Ryan ... give it to me... give it to me..,"

"Ashlee..." He groaned. "Oh god, Ashlee." One last hard thrust and he was cumming inside me. His cock throbbing, pulsing against my inner walls, feeling as if he was ramming himself all the way through me and I wanted it so much as he spurted inside me, his culmination flooding me. His cum exploding into me in long hot jets, spurt after spurt inside me, filling me, feeling his cock pumping his cum into me, luxuriating in the feel of his culmination inside me and then we were both collapsing forward onto the floor, his weight on me, his arms around me, his breath hot on the side of my face as his body jerked against mine one last time.

We lay there, panting, moaning, joined together, his warmth and his arms cocooning me for long minutes. His weight on me, on my back, his cock still inside me, my legs stretched painfully wide as he lay between them. I felt powerless, possessed and loved all at once, an exquisite feeling of being wanted, of belonging.

"I love you Ashlee," Ryan breathed in my ear, one of his hands brushing my hair away from my face as I turned my head sideways to I could see him above me, looking down at me. "I love you so much."

My soft sigh of happiness brought a smile to his face. "I'm so happy," I breathed, "I'm so happy we found each other, Ryan. I love you so very much. I just want to be with you always."

"Me too," he kissed my ear, my cheek. "God, I wish I didn't have to go. I don't want to leave you ever again, Ashlee."

"Mmmmm," I smiled, sliding one hand under me, my fingers finding where we joined, holding him inside me as he slowly softened. I loved feeling him inside me afterwards, lying together, glowing, our bodies still joined. "September," I murmured, "in September we'll be able to be together all the time." Ryan and I. Our own apartment, together. "And we can do this whenever we want."

"Mmmmm." Now it was Ryan's turn to sound happy. We stayed together until at last he stirred, slowly slid from me, leaving me empty. Bereft. Lifting his weight from me, kissing me as I moaned quietly, missing him inside me the instat he was no longer in me. His hands, so strong, lifting me easily, placing me back in my bed, drawing my duvet over me, tucking me in as I cupped myself with one hand, wanting to keep him inside me until the morning came.

"I love you, Ashlee." He gave me a last kiss as I curled up in my bed where he'd placed me, where he'd covered me with my duvet. "Can I take these?" He held up the little black lace panties I'd been wearing until he stripped them from me earlier and gagged me with them, stuffing them into my mouth to stifle my moans. I'd worn then especially so that he could strip them from me. That look on his face when he'd seen them. It'd been worth wearing them just for that.

"Love you, Ryan. Take them." I giggled. "I want to watch you jerk off into them tomorrow night, okay. I'm going to miss you so much." I so wished he wasn't going, but the Christmas break was over. I'd see him again in a few weeks. In February.

"Ashlee, I'll miss you so much, little sis." I liked it that he still called me his sis. Not only Ashlee. It was like belonging twice, like being loved twice over. I liked the way that made me feel. Loved that feeling of belonging at last. Of really belonging. Of belonging to Ryan. A last kiss, his hand cupping my breast for a long moment as our mouths possessed each others.

"Drive safe," I breathed.

"Love you, Ashlee," breathed one last time and then he was gone, slipping out of my bedroom, tiptoeing down the hallway into his own room to dress before he eased himself out of the house for the long drive back to College.

In September, it'd be our College. We could be together without the need to conceal anything. Our own apartment. Ryan and me. I was so looking forward to that. We'd work something out. I was adopted, not his real sister. There'd be something we could do, I was so sure. Mom and Dad might not approve, but in the end Ryan and I, we'd be together. We'd make it work. We'd be together for the rest of our lives. Marriage. Kids. The whole thing. It'd work out somehow. There had to be something we could do to make this work. I was so sure of that.

Finally, for the first time in my life, I knew I belonged. Really belonged. I knew I was smiling as I fell asleep, glowing with his love, wrapped in a cocoon of newfound security. Knowing I meant so much to Ryan. That he meant so much to me. That we were meant for each other. I didn't hear him leave.

The doorbell chimed, waking me. The door opened, voices floated up the stairs while I wondered sleepily who'd be coming round so early. My heart leapt at Mom's voice, suddenly wailing, frightening me. What had happened? Bolting out of bed, I scrambled into shorts and a t-shirt, ran downstairs to the kitchen. Mom sitting on a chair. A policewoman next to her, her arm around her. A policeman standing in the doorway with that look that said he wasn't enjoying himself.

"What's wrong? What's happened?" I looked from Mom to the policewoman and back.

"It's Ryan," Mom sobbed, her face white, suddenly so old as she looked blindly at me. "He's ... he's ....oh God, why Ryan? Why?" She collapsed face down on the kitchen table.

The policewoman looked up at me, he arm around Mom. "Is there anyone who can help? Friends? Relatives?"

"Mrs Noble. She lives next door. Number fifteen," I said, blankly. "What's happened?"

The policeman turned and left, my Mom wailed and sobbed. The policewoman looking at me with a look that brought dread to my heart. Understanding came after a long moment as I listened to her words, not wanting to hear them but hearing them nonetheless. Hearing and dissolving into my own tears.

Mrs. Noble from next door came over with the policeman, called Dad. Called Uncle Jim and Auntie Beth, called the Minister from our Church. The next hours were horrific. A morning burnt into my memories forever. Mom wailing and sobbing. Dad arriving home, the Minister from our Church turning up, Uncle Jim and Auntie Beth arriving. Slowly finding out what had happened. A pileup on the freeway. Ryan's car hit by a tractor trailer. Dead on impact.

It'd been sudden, the police said. He wouldn't have even known what had happened they said. But how did they know that? They hadn't been there. They couldn't have know. Mom couldn't stop crying. Dad was in shock. I sat there speechless, shaking, tears flowing in a silent river down my face. It was Uncle Jim that took charge. Eventually the police left. I headed up to my bedroom to get dressed, trembling. In shock myself. Ryan was gone? He wasn't coming back? Ever?

That sense of completely belonging at last, that feeling that I'd had only hours before, annihilated in an instant.

In my bathroom, I showered and dried myself without even thinking, my mind a complete blank right up until I was about to pop that morning after pill into my mouth and swallow it. I looked at that little package, looked at it and I knew that Ryan was still inside me. That this was the worst time of my cycle not to take the contents of that little package. I looked and I knew Ryan wasn't coming back and I died. I just died inside, collapsing to the floor of my bathroom, sobbing, my head in my hands. Desolated. There was nothing I could do to bring him back, nothing at all. Everything we'd talked about, everything we'd planned together, all gone. Ended.

Vanished as if it had never been.

But there was one thing I could do. I emptied that little package down the toilet, flushed it away. Dropped the packaging in the garbage. Dressed and went downstairs to join my parents, hearing my Dad's sobs, my Mom crying. Uncle Jim and the Minister on the phone. Standing there in someone else's body, no longer taking in what was happening. Unable to accept that Ryan was gone, not wanting to believe it.

Two days later at the funeral home, I arrived early. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. The unfairness of it all tore at me, whipped at me, shredded my soul into tormented fragments. Lee drove me, waited outside for me while I had my own time alone with Ryan. He lay there, in the casket, eyes closed, his lips with that quirky almost smile he had when he wasn't laughing. For a moment, seeing him, I was sure he was just asleep. Any moment now he'd sit up and laugh, tell me it was all just a bad joke, tell me that it wasn't real. I stood there, looking down at him, in a daze, watching, waiting, not wanting to believe he was gone.

I watched and I waited but nothing happened. He lay there, unmoving, as if he were asleep.

I stroked his cheek with my hand. His skin so stiff, so cold. I leaned over, kissed him, just once. One last kiss. On his lips. Those lips that had explored my body so recently. Lips that two days ago had been so passionate, so warm, so full of life. Now frozen, unmoving, unresponsive. I looked and I knew. This wasn't Ryan anymore, this was his shell. A lifeless shell that Ryan had departed from, leaving me all alone once more. Before the tears came again, I slid a piece of paper into the casket, folded that little note I'd written for him into his hand. I wanted that message from me to be with him for all of time.

"It may be a lifetime before I see you again, but wherever you are, Ryan, I love you. Wherever you are, please wait for me. Please look for me. Please don't forget me, Ryan. Please don't forget our love because no matter what, one day I'll come to you. I will, and we'll be together again until the end of time. I love you so much, Ryan. I'll always love you ... Ashlee."

My tears came then, trickling down my cheeks. There was one more thing I needed to do while we were alone together for the very last time. Alone together until it was my turn to come to him wherever he was, wherever he might be. I reached into my handbag, retrieved the balled up panties of black lace that had been in his bag in the car when he'd crashed, the little lace panties that I'd given him to take back to College with him.

We wouldn't be skyping anymore now, we wouldn't be talking and teasing and satisfying each other. He wouldn't be jerking off into those panties while I watched him and played with myself for his eyes, for his enjoyment. We wouldn't be moving in together in September. But the gift of those panties had meant so much to him, had excited him so much. Wherever he was now, wherever he went, I wanted those panties to be with him until I joined him.

All through the funeral service, I sat there, not taking in a thing, knowing only that Ryan had left me. We'd just found each other and for a moment in time I'd really truly belonged. Now I was alone again. Lost and so very alone. The service came to an end, they carried him out. We followed to the cemetery. I watched as he was lowered into that hole in the ground, the soil shovelled in. It was only then, standing there with tears pouring down my cheeks, that I finally accepted that Ryan was gone. The full desolation of my loss hit me, collapsing me into Lee's arms.

Four weeks later I sat in my bathroom looking at the little test strip. I was. It said I was. God, what was I going to do? But I already knew. Nothing. I was going to do absolutely nothing except wait. If I was, at least something of Ryan would be with me. Something real. Not just memories. Something more tangible.

Another month and I was sure. I'd missed two periods now. The test results were the same. Positive. Now I was certain. Ryan's baby. I was going to have Ryan's baby. All I needed to do was keep what was happening secret until it was too late for anyone to do anything about it. I sat there, hugging myself, feeling the changes in my body already, feeling joy now as well as sadness. Terrified. Elated. But overriding everything there was that sense of desolation and loss and of being so alone.

I'd have to tell Mom and Dad eventually. When the time came, when I couldn't hide what was happening any longer, I'd tell them. I would. They deserved to know the truth. They'd never lied to me. I wouldn't lie to them. I had no idea how they'd react or what I would do then, none at all. But at least our baby, Ryan's and my baby, our baby, would be with me and no matter what, I knew I was keeping my baby. Our baby.

One morning a week later I found myself throwing up. I managed to conceal my morning sickness. Managed to conceal everything from Mom and Dad, from my friends, from Lee, from everyone. For four months. Right up until that late June morning right after those last exams when I threw up before blurting out the truth to my Mom and fainting.