September Blue

Bumping around. Voices. Lifted. Vomiting. Moving. Darkness. Sirens. People rushing around me. Dizzy. Everything spinning. Nausea. More voices. Lots of them. So cold. I took a deep breath. Something on my face. A mask? Cool air? The darkness took me again, welcome darkness.

"She's coming round." I didn't recognize the voice. My eyes opened. I was in bed. Things taped to me. Needles and tubes sticking into my arm. Beeping machines next to my head. Lying in a strange room? All pale blue and white. Antiseptic smell. Air-conditioned chill. I closed my eyes again, let the darkness once more fold me into its welcoming embrace.

A soft gentle hand holding mine. Mom's voice. "Ashlee? Ashlee?"

My own voice, so weak, a whisper. "Mom?"

"You're okay honey, you're in hospital. They want to keep you here for today and tonight, maybe a little longer."

"Is my baby okay?" That was all I could think about, my free hand, that one that wasn't attached to anything, stroking, soothing, feeling my baby restless inside me. Feeling my baby move, a vast relief washed over me; my baby was still there, still safe.

A new face, one I didn't know, looking down at me. "Your baby's fine, Ashlee." A nurse, leaning over me. "We want to monitor you overnight and tomorrow, maybe a little longer. The Doctor wanted to make sure you were fine before you go home. Now you just stay quiet and rest, your Mom's staying with you here. Press the buzzer there if you need anything or you need to go to the washroom, okay? Lunch'll be coming soon and you need to eat it. You haven't been eating nearly enough and you were dehydrated as well. The Doctor'll be coming to check on you again later this afternoon, then we've got the dietician coming in to talk to you tomorrow morning about your diet and the obstetrician's coming by for another check in the morning and to talk to you about follow-ups. I'll be back in another hour to check on you. I'm Maggie."

I nodded, watched her leave. Wondering how I could eat possibly anything. I didn't feel hungry at all. Just thinking about eating, I felt queasy again.

"Dad's out getting lunch honey, I'm staying with you today and tonight." Mom squeezed my hand. "Dad's coming back in for this evening and he'll come back to pick us up and take us all home tomorrow after they say you can come home." Mom leaned over, kissed my forehead.

"I'm keeping our baby," I whispered, panicking. "Nobody's taking my baby away from me."

Mom squeezed my hand. "Nobody will, Ashlee. Dad and I, we understand what that baby means to you." When I looked into her eyes, I knew that she did. She really did. "We love you honey, you and your baby are coming home with us, don't you worry. You're our little girl, Ashlee, nothing will ever change that. Nothing."

The fear I'd felt for months lifted from my shoulders, leaving me floating. I hadn't known how heavy that weight had been until it vanished.

"Mom?" I wanted to cry again. I wanted her to hold me. I hadn't wanted to hurt her and Dad. I wanted her forgiveness for what I'd done. What Ryan and I had done. Mom knew that, I could see her face, read the expression there. I knew she understood what I was asking even if I couldn't put in into words. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

She leaned over me where I lay in bed. "Honey, what you and Ryan did, that's between the two of you and Ryan's gone now, he's left us and you're all we have left." She had tears in her eyes as she stroked my forehead, brushed my hair away from my face the way she had when I was little and I'd hurt myself and come running to her. Mom had always loved stroking my hair, brushing my hair for me. She'd sit me on her lap while she told me everything was going to be alright and stroke my forehead and brush my hair back just like that. Now, when she did that, I knew everything was going to be alright.

"I won't say what you two did was right or wrong, and we understand why you kept it a secret so long, honey. What's done is done and you're going to have Ryan's baby and we're your Mom and Dad and we love you and we'll love yours and Ryan's baby just as much as we love you and we loved Ryan and we're here for you, honey. We're always here for you, Ashlee, no matter what."

For a moment I couldn't speak. Then I could, but all I could manage was "Thanks, Mom."

Words couldn't convey how much that meant to me. I squeezed Mom's hand, closed my eyes. Exhausted.

I thought I heard her whisper. "We love you Ashlee, we love you so much and you're giving us Ryan's child now as well, you're giving us our grandchild, how couldn't we love you. Sleep now, honey, I'll be here with you."

But I couldn't be sure that was what she'd said, I was so tired. So very tired. I squeezed Mom's hand again, just a little squeeze.

I slept.

I looked at Ryan's photo on my bedside table. Smiling, his hair its usual mess. I looked at his photo and I felt our baby inside me stirring, moving. My hand circled, stroking, soothing him, feeling him relax, quieten. In another week or two he'd be born. It was September and little Ryan would be my September baby.

September, a month that I knew would always, now and forever, remind me of Ryan. Of life and death. Of love and loss. A happy month. A sad month. A blue month. September blue.

Ryan was gone, but something of him remained. Something of him would live on, a living symbol and memory of our love and what it had meant for both of us. We'd been blessed with those brief moments' together. Those all to brief days and nights of pure happiness, of shared joy, of love. Two months of love that had started with that one special night, that Halloween night that I'd never forget. Never until the day I died. Two months that had ended with that last night together, that night when he'd both left me forever and given me his baby. Our baby.

Our baby boy. That last ultrasound had been so definite. Our baby was a boy.

I'd already started calling him by the name he'd be given when he was born. Ryan.

Mom knocked on my bedroom door. "Ashlee. Time to get up dear, we've got to be at the clinic for the check-up and the ultrasound in an hour and a half."

"Coming, Mom." I eased myself out of bed, waddling towards my bathroom. I waddled everywhere now. Little Ryan wasn't so little anymore. Already he was taking after his father and his grandfather. Soothing him with my hand. He didn't like it when I walked around. He kicked. Hard. I felt those kicks. Every one of them.

He was still kicking when I walked into the kitchen half an hour later.

"Feel little Ryan, Dad," I said, smiling. "He's really working out this morning."

"Feel him? Jeez Ashlee, you can see the little guy." Dad rested his hand on me, feeling those little feet kicking so hard. His smile as happy as mine, his eyes no longer sad.

"He'll be a football player like his Dad and his Granddad," I said. "You're going to have to teach him."

"Looking forward to it, Ashlee." Dad gave my forehead a quick kiss. "Oh, and Lee called, asked if you'd like to watch a movie with him tonight."

"I'll call him after we get back," I said. "Would it be alright if he comes round here? I don't really feel up to going out."

"Invite him over for dinner, honey," Mom called from the pantry.

"That young man eats like a horse," Dad complained.

I giggled. "You're just worried he's going to eat your seconds before you can get to them."

Dad laughed. He was laughing more now. We all were.

Life goes on. Sometimes late at night, lying in bed by myself, I think I'd rather be with Ryan, wherever he is. I'd rather be with Ryan than be here, alone, without him. But that's just the occasional thought now. I have little Ryan to think of. I have little Ryan to live for. He's going to need me to be strong for him and I will be. I promise myself that every night. Promise myself that I'll be strong for our little boy. I'm all that he has and he's all that remains of my Ryan, all that remains of our love. I have to be strong for him, I know that. I'll be alright, I know, though late at night by myself I still cry.

Every night. Alone in my bed, after Mom and Dad are asleep, the tears still come. I feel little Ryan moving in me and I lie there knowing his Daddy will never be there to hold him, to play with him, to love him, to cherish him, to watch him growing up and then the tears come. But tears always dry. Sleep always comes. Pain fades over time. Memories grow dimmer. I'd loved Ryan. I loved him still. That love would always be with me. Always be a part of me.

But I also know Ryan wouldn't want me to sit around mourning him forever. I'm only nineteen. I've got the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm going to take a year out and start my studies at the local College next September. It isn't the best in the State, but I can live at home and Lee studies there. Mom will help take care of little Ryan after she retires next year. Mrs. Noble next door's already retired, she's going to help me out after little Ryan is born.

And Lee? Well, Lee isn't a loser. He likes his fun but he's a nice guy, he's smart and he cares for me more than I'd ever realized back when we were dating. He'd been there for me after Ryan left me, he'd been there for me, not knowing what was happening to me but always so calm, so supportive, so unquestioning over those agonizing months where I'd kept my secret to myself. He'd been there for me, caring for me through those long months of sadness, grief and anxiety, even though, lost in my own grief and fear and desolation, I hadn't been there for him. He was here now when I needed him. That was more than I could say for most of my friends.

After I returned home from hospital I'd told him I was pregnant. I'd told him who the baby's father was. He deserved the truth. He'd been there for me after Ryan left me. He'd been there for me, unquestioning, supporting me through those nightmarish months where I'd concealed my secret from everyone, including him. I'd told him the truth at last, after I got home from the hospital, knowing he'd be horrified and upset with me, knowing he'd abandon me, but also knowing I couldn't lie to him, not now.

He hadn't been upset with me. He hadn't blamed me. He hadn't walked out in disgust or anger. I wouldn't have blamed him if he had but he hadn't. He'd held me. He'd comforted me. He'd talked with me, listened to me. I wasn't sure if he understood but regardless, he'd continued to be there for me. Maybe he loved me. I wasn't sure about that, he hadn't said but I thought to myself now and then that he might. I knew I wasn't ready for anything myself. Not yet. But he was here for me now when I needed someone most of all. I treasured that about him; that he was still here for me; that he'd said he'd be there for me when the baby was born and afterwards. I treasured that even more now that he knew the truth.

I had no idea what the future held for me. For us. But one day soon little Ryan would need a real daddy. Someone to play ball with, somebody to teach him to shoot, take him hiking and swimming, teach him to stand up for himself, to throw a punch, ride a bike, drive a car. Someone to lay down the rules and tell him right from wrong. Someone to give him a little brother or a little sister or perhaps even both. A little brother and a little sister for my baby Ryan to grow up with, to play with. Someone to love his Mommy and for his Mommy to love in turn.

Little Ryan would need a real daddy, not just a sad memory of Mommy's and some old photos.

One day .... one day soon.

Thanks so much for reading and I do hope you enjoyed. Ratings and comments are, as always, more than welcome. so have at it. This is my first story in this category and I'd love to know what you think.... Chloe