The Procedure

As for Sandy, he'd thought about it and he knew what the problem was. The problem was that she was already too close to him. With other women, all he had to do was not call them. They didn't know where he lived or where he worked. But with Sandy, she was always around. He couldn't avoid her and the longer he put off telling her to leave him alone, the more she thought she was his girlfriend.

When he got home he sat, had a beer, and then thought long and hard about Allie. He had to admit that something was going on. Something was wrong in his head. It wouldn't make him a wimp to go talk to one of those psychologist people just to get rid of this one little issue. It was a real issue. He wasn't faking it. Just going for one little thing that really needed to be addressed didn't mean he was like all those snobs who have to go all the time because they just can't handle the normal everyday stress of life without having a panic attack.

Oh, dear me, my rich daddy got me a half million dollar car but it was the wrong color so I need to go and lay on a couch and cry about it to my therapist. Fucking wankers.

Ok, on second thought, no psychologist. Yeah, fuck that. Just don't see her. Yeah. That's it. He would just not see her. Stop going over to mom's. Stop letting Allie come over to his house. Stop seeing her. Just cut his sister out of his life. He'll still finish paying for her school but then that's it. He'll cut her off and that's it. She can go have a nice life and he'll eventually forget about her and forget how she made him feel. After all, what was the psychologist person going to advise him do other than that? What other thing could he do?

He reached over by the tv for his phone.

"Hello." Sarah's voice said.

"You owe me an apology." Steve said.

"Who's this?"

"Steve."

"Steve? Oh, Stephen. Hi. What's up? Long time no see."

"You owe me an apology."

"I do?"

"Yeah."

"For what?"

"You fucking know for what." he yelled at her.

"What? What are you talking about?" She seemed genuinely shocked to hear him angry.

"All this time I have been waiting for you to tell me that you're sorry. I have waited and I have been patient but you're just never going to do it, are you? You don't even think you did anything wrong, do you?"

"I'm sorry. What did I do?"

"You know what, fuck it. And fuck you. Don't even know what you fucking did. Damn."

He hung up on her. Then he looked up at the clock. 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 ...

Ring, ring.

"What?" he answered.

"Who do you think you are talking to ..."

"If you're not calling to apologize you can go ahead and lose my number."

"You called me."

"Not to invite you to prove to me how much of an idiot you are."

Click.

Ring. Ring.

"What? And make it quick."

"What do you want me to apologize for?"

"You're honestly telling me that you don't know?"

"No, I don't know. You do still understand English at least, don't you."

"I wished you happiness and you threw a fucking baby tantrum at me."

"What? When?"

"The last text I ever sent you dumb ass. You probably didn't even read it."

"I did."

"Then what did it say?"

"I don't remember."

"Cause you didn't read it."

"Well I still have it, so let's just see what it said."

He waited.

"Oh." she said.

"Yeah. I sent you that and how did you repay me? Huh?"

"Come on, Stephen that was ..."

"Three years. Almost four. I've been pissed off about what you did for three years. Every day for three years. But you never called me. You never sent me a card. Or text. Or anything to show or even suggest the slightest hint of remorse. Well, I'm done. I'm done waiting. No, don't be happy. You're a fucking bitch. You deserve to be miserable. I hope every bad fucking thing in the universe happens to you because you have it coming."

"Oh, my God. I'm ... I'm sorry."

"Too late. That train has left. I was going to try. You know. I cared about you, not just as my girlfriend but as a person. I know I couldn't be your friend but I was going to be friendly. But no. Not now. That's done."

"You do care."

"Yeah, cause I'm a human being and not a soulless, heartless automaton like you."

"Ok. Ok. Can you calm down?"

"Why should I, huh? You going to try to tell me what to do now? Fuck you. I'm not your friend. I'm not your boyfriend. I don't even want to be an acquaintance. I'm your enemy."

"Stephen, can we just talk like adults?"

"Apparently not."

"I mean it. I am sorry. I had no idea what I said affected you like that. I ... I don't know what to even say. I do apologize. I mean it. I do have a heart and from the bottom of my heart I do apologize."

"Yeah, but now I don't even know if I can believe you. You yelled at me in person but I'm supposed to accept an apology on the phone? No."

"Ok. We can meet if you want."

"I don't want. You can go to hell."

"That's the anger talking."

"Yeah, cause I'm fucking angry."

"Please. My treat."

"As if I'm going to let a woman pay for me."

"Ok fine. Not my treat but let's just talk. Ok. I'm offering to come and apologize."

Steve made a big sigh and then agreed. He worked out a time and a place with her and then put the second part of his plan in motion.

...

Back to work on Monday, Steve had to tell himself not to punch John when he saw him clock in.

"I know, I know what you're going to say. Nothing happened." John said.

"What do you mean?"

"Your sister almost yanked my damn arm off, man. And then once we lost you, she dropped me like a bad habit. What's that about?"

"Really?"

"Dude, if I had fucked your sister, believe me, I'd be rubbing it in your face."

"Well, I guess she just isn't at that stage in her life where she takes you to court for paternity."

While they were working he made sure to text his scheduled break time to Sandy. Nothing else, just the time. He could trust Sandy to infer everything else on her own, little cute energetic rabbit that she was.

During his extra long lunch break he met up with Sarah at the coffee shop.

"Hi." she said.

"How are you?"

"Good. Good. You?"

"Never been better."

"Oh, and I guess I should say it, you were totally right."

"I'll accept that, but about what?"

"About Richard."

"Who?"

"The guy I was with. He was such a jerk in the end."

"I never called him a jerk."

She was surprise but then closed her eyes and it looked like she was remembering something. "Oh. Right. Well, he was a jerk. I never should have dated him."

"Well, you have my condolences that it didn't work out."

"I have to admit that I did actually have you on my mind not long before you called me."

"So you thought about apologizing to me but just never got around to it."

"Oh, right. Yes, I am very sorry for what I said. Can you forgive me?"

"Well, ok. But just this once as a favor to someone who was once my girlfriend."

"Thank you. So, are you seeing anyone?"

"Me? I might as well ask you the same question?"

"No. Not just now. Not for a while, actually. I've been trying to better myself and find my inner power."

"Ah, yes, the illusive inner power. I went looking for that a few months ago down in the ruins of Machupichu. We made some fascinating discoveries but didn't find the inner power anywhere."

"Ha! I forgot how you used to always make me laugh."

"Yeah, but never for the right reasons."

"Do you think ... I mean, we're older now. We're wiser people. Do you think that there's any ..."

"Oh no." Steve said in pretend shock.

"What? I didn't say too much, did I?"

"Not you. Her." Steve said as he pointed.

Sandy came over to the table with a big smile. "I knew you'd be here." she said.

"Oh no. You have caught me with another woman. What ever shall I do?"

Sarah let out a light chuckle when she heard that and then looked over at Sandy.

"I'm Sandy." the woman said as she extended her hand.

Sarah took it. "Sarah. Nice to meet you."

Sandy sat next to Steve and hugged his arm. "So, introduce me properly."

"Sandy, I'm sorry. I know you can never forgive me for this. This is my ex girlfriend Sarah and just now we were about to rekindle our old flame. How can you ever forgive me? I tricked her into coming here under false pretenses for the purpose of asking her to date me again. But you've busted us. I should have known that you would but I just couldn't help myself. I need a woman from time to time. I'm a cheat. I'm a pig. Yes, a rotten male, chauvinist, misogynistic patriarchy. So I understand that you want to break up and I deserve all the scorn you can lay upon me."

Sarah started to just openly laugh and Sandy was just smiling.

Ok. The sales pitch was out there. He just had to wait for her to take it. Come on. Blow up. Be like every other woman in the world and blow up. You can do it.

"Are you really his ex?" Sandy asked Sarah.

Sarah nodded as she tried to calm her chuckle. "I am. We dated in high school."

"See. Confirmed." Steve said.

"I'm so embarrassed." Sarah said. "I was about to say something stupid but he stopped me."

Sandy hugged Steve's arm even tighter. "He's a good guy like that."

"I know." Sarah said. "I wish I would have never broken up with him."

"Well, now that I'm single again, maybe we can remedy that." Steve said.

"Oh, just listen to him." Sandy said as if Steve had just laid down a punch line.

"Oh, he used to tell the best jokes." Sarah said.

"Did I? See, I don't remember that."

Sarah laughed. Wait, why was that funny?

"Hey, let me get your number." Sandy said and then the two women started to exchange information.

"Seriously?" Steve asked. "You're seriously not angry?"

"No, why would I be?" Sandy said. "In fact, why don't the two of you go out."

"Really?" Steve said.

"WHAT?" Sarah said.

"Yes. Steve, take your old friend out to a nice dinner. It'll be nice."

"Are you sure?" he asked while looking across the table at Sarah who was also puzzled.

"She was about to ask you something and then you had your little speech moment. You two need to know if there are any residual, lingering feelings and you can't do that if I'm around. It's best to get everything out in the open."

"You're giving your boyfriend permission to go on a date with another woman?" Sarah asked.

"Sure. Otherwise he might just cheat on me behind my back. Absolutely, Steve, take her out. Make it romantic. And whatever happens, at least we'll all know."

"That's ok." Sarah said. "It was just a question and you've answered it. I don't want to get between you two."

"No, no. I insist. Otherwise, how can you guys ever get back to being friends again?"

"We won't." Steve said.

"That's not right. You have to make peace before bringing the gifts."

In the end, Sandy was just so easygoing about it that Sarah eventually gave in and agreed to go on a 'romantic' date with Steve 'just to see'. Once it was two against one, they didn't even bother to ask Steve if he wanted to go. They just assumed he would.

So as he went back to work he was still officially dating Sandy and now with a scheduled date to have dinner with Sarah. Shouldn't that be a dumpable offense? He should be able to dump her for being so non angry, shouldn't he?

"Dude, how'd it go?" John asked.

"I think I have two girlfriends now."

"Shit, what?" John said before he started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"That is the same shit that happened in the tv show."

"What?"

"Yeah. This dude gets both girls to come to the same date and then neither one wants to break up with him."

"You motherfucker."

After work, instead of going home, Steve went to a bar and sat with a beer. How could there be a woman who didn't get angry? How could there be a woman who didn't lie? What the hell was wrong with Sandy? Did she really have no character flaws he could use as an excuse to dump her? Why was he still dating her? Why had he even started?

Oh, right. The surgery. He had been so stupid. Why would he have needed to date anyone to justify getting that done? No other guy would have needed to justify it. They just do it as insurance. But Steve needed to justify it. It was expensive. And he spent that money with half a mind that he'd then be free to ...

Oh, please. As if he'd actually ask his sister on a date. Or kiss her. Or fuck her. Or get her pregnant.

Even just the thought of those ideas was starting to work on his system. The blood started pumping and his breath started getting hotter.

Ok, enough of that. Put it away. It was never going to happen.

How was it that loving someone could be painful?

...

"Dude, you know what your mistake was." John said on Friday as Steve clocked out.

"I didn't get random girl number five thousand four hundred and thirty two pregnant?"

"No, about the date you have to go on tonight."

"What?"

"You wanted to get busted but you were fake cheating. That shit was never going to work. What you have to do is really cheat on her. Hell, she gave you permission. But it's a test man. Just a fucking test. If you don't cheat on her, she'll lose respect for you."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's all just a test. So what you need to do is actually cheat on her. Then tell her that's what you did. Maybe she kinky. Maybe that's what she wants. Every woman wants a man that other women want."

"The goal, is to break up with her because I don't want to date her anymore."

"Well my (expletive deleted), if you ain't got the balls to just be honest and break up with her, then at least have the balls to cheat on her."

"Wonderful advice. Is that what you teach your kids? By the way, how are your kids?"

"Just fine. They have bigger balls than you."

"And you know I don't feel comfortable with you using that word."

"I can say (expletive deleted) all I want. That's what I get for my ancestors ..."

"Yeah, but ..."

"(Expletive deleted, expletive deleted, expletive deleted). What you going to do about it?"

...

Later, Steve found himself in a nice restaurant with Sarah and everything was cordial but distant at first. It looked like she was just going through the motions to make her new friend happy. But after they had eaten and were waiting for dessert, she asked him an interesting question.

"You don't really like Sandy, do you?"

Without even a thought Steve shook his head. "Nope."

"Then why are you dating her?"

"I asked her out on one date and I don't know. I never officially told her I was going to be her boyfriend, she just assumed we were a couple and it's just been like that."

"Just been like that? Like what?"

"She's just there. I'm just there. We don't kiss. We don't ..."

"You don't kiss?"

"No."

"You're sleeping with her but you don't kiss her?"

"We're not sleeping together. She's saving herself for marriage."

"What? Really?"

Steve nodded.

"Are you going to marry her?"

"Hell no." Steve said.

"How long have you been dating her?"

"Since January."

"Six months. Wow."

"Yeah, go ahead. Say it. I know you're going to say it."

"Say what?"

"I told you so."

"I never told you this?"

"Yes you did. You told me I was a loser who would never get another girl to date me and even if she did, she'd never fuck me."

"Oh, I did say that. I'm sorry."

"You were right, apparently."

"Don't say that. What she's doing is wonderful. And you shouldn't be pressuring her."

"I'm not."

"Come on. You're not getting any sex and you're not pressuring her? I don't believe that."

"There is someone I want to have sex with but it is not her."

"Who?"

"I can't tell you."

"I won't tell anyone. I promise."

"It's not something I can talk about."

"Oh, come on. It's just me. You're on a date with me with your girlfriend's permission of all things. You can tell me."

"No, I can't. I absolutely can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, even compared to you, me wanting to be with this person is so outlandish that it defies reason."

"Who the hell is this? Defies reason?"

"I asked out Sandy as a way of avoiding having to deal with my feelings for this other person. Sandy is nice. She's actually too nice. I don't want to date her but I don't want to hurt her."

"You honestly want to break up with the best woman you're ever going to meet?"

"She's just so dull. And weird. And she makes more money than me. Oh, and definitely weird."

"But also so good. You owe it to her to just tell her the truth."

"Hey, you don't suppose we could just tell her we got back together, even if it's not true."

"No."

"Come on. Think of it like this, you'd be doing her a favor, not me. As long as she's with me she's never going to find that one man who's going to love her for just the way she is."

"Well, what's stopping you from actually going and dating someone else?"

"You mean actually cheat?''

"Yeah. Guys do it all the time."

"That's what I was trying to do with you at the coffee shop."

"No you weren't. Don't give me that. You just wanted it to look that way."

"You don't know that."

"Really? Then take me home and fuck me."

"You know I can't do that."

"Why not? It wouldn't be our first time."

What she said was true but what she didn't understand was men don't like getting back together with a girl after she's been with other men. "Well, it's just ... Not fair to you."

"Please. You love her."

"What?"

"A guy who won't cheat. It has to mean you're in love."

"No, I'm just not falling for a fake out is all."

"A fake out? You think I'm lying."

"Hey, didn't mean it to be offensive. I'm just saying ..."

"Ok, fine. I want you."

"Come on. No you don't."

"Yes. Yes I do. You take me home and fuck me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not a real request."

"Yes it is. I want you."

"You're not going to do that to Sandy and you know it."

"No. What I see is you not wanting to do that to Sandy."

"If I took you up on that, we'd get back to my place and then you'd bolt on me."

"Or we could just sneak away to the bathroom here and fuck. What do you say?"

"I still don't buy it."

"Stephen, if you can't cheat with me willingly offering myself to you and her already signaling that she'd be ok with it, then I'm sorry, but it means you love her."

"Yeah, but see, I don't really believe it's a real offer."

"Fine. I'll write it down and you can hold me to it. Offer still on the table. Any time. Any place. You just call me up and cash it in and we'll see who puts out and who wimps out."

...

Summer ended and Steve's birthday passed so now he was 23. While some lamented the loss of the summer heat, Steve would be glad he wouldn't be dropping his body weight in sweat everyday.

As Steve was coming into work his supervisor gave him his pay stub and mentioned that there was an extra memo inside. Before Steve could even read it he heard John saying "That is whack."

Steve opened his and read the notice. The state had imposed a new tax that took a whopping 20% from his salary.

"What the ..." Steve started.

"This is bullshit." John said.

"I'm sorry you both feel that way." Mrs. Oliver said.

"What's the tax for?" Steve asked.

"Well, I would like to say it was to compensate women for the pay gap but it's not." Mrs. Oliver joked.

"You mean the gap where you make more money than me?" Steve rebuffed.

"It's that paternity thing." John said. "They can't hook men through the courts no more so they putting a tax on all of us."

"I can't afford this. Let the rich people pay it, not me. I never got a woman pregnant."

"As you both know, the company has to comply with all tax legislation. This tax is to cover the WUBI." Mrs. Oliver said.

"Universal Basic Income but for women only. This is WHACK!"

"I can't afford this." Steve repeated. "I have bills. I ... I barely make enough as it is."