There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 01

"Can I order whatever I want?"

"You can order two of anything you want, and one thing you don't want."

She furrowed her eyebrows at me, and shook her head. She decided on the 3-pound Maine lobster, with scallops, shrimp, asparagus, and a baked potato.

It was my turn to shake my head.

When dinner arrived I asked her, "How much do you weigh, and how big are you?"

"I weigh 117 pounds, and I am 5'7."

"I'll give you $100 if you finish everything on your plate."

"You may as well take out your money now, because you have never seen me eat."

I had ordered the North Atlantic salmon with asparagus and broccoli.

Delicious looked at me and asked, "How much do you weigh, and how big are you?"

"I think there's an echo in this restaurant. I weigh 192 pounds, and I am 6'1."

"How do you eat so little, and weigh so much?"

"How do you eat so much, and weigh so little?"

Delicious giggled. "There is an echo in this restaurant."

"I get very little exercise sitting over my computer keyboard, and working on my experiments. My home is very isolated, which I absolutely love, and a national park is my backyard. You may very well hate it, because there are no children your age around. We are about 20 miles west of the downtown area of Idaho Springs, which is smaller than Waterville. We will talk about your schooling later, once we understand what you have been going through here. Rod believes you will do better being homeschooled. You may want to think about that possibility. He tends to think that you are a lot like me, in that you don't relate to people very well. In two years if you decide you want to attend college, there are many good ones in the Denver area. I think the best one for you will be the Air Force Academy, where they will regiment you, strictly."

She looked into my eyes from across the table. "You are yanking my chain, I can tell."

"Already, damn I was hoping it would last a whole day."

She giggled again, and it was a very sweet sound. From a young girl, who was deeply depressed 6 hours ago, to the young girl smiling across the table from me, there was a vast difference. The tension in her face was gone. She was wearing a new long sleeve blouse and slacks. The only remaining item from her previous outfit were her ratty sneakers. We would take care of that in the morning, before returning to the funeral home. The burial would be Saturday, and it would be a very tough day for her.

*****

I was in the middle of eating my salmon, when I looked up and saw all that remained of the lobster was its shell. Thank God for that plastic bib, because there was butter everywhere. She skipped the scallops and shrimp, and inhaled the asparagus without breathing. I asked her if that was the result of her blowjob practice.

When she laughed, she nearly spit a spear back at me.

The baked potato was the next item to disappear from her plate. When she finished cutting it up, adding ½ pound of butter, a tub of sour cream and salt, it looked like mashed potato soup, with skin. It took her longer to make that concoction than to eat it. She stopped to breathe, and take a small sip of her diet 7-Up. I was so engrossed in watching her eat; my salmon was still sitting on my plate getting cold.

As she skewered the first scallop, I reached into my jacket pocket, took out my wallet, and extracted a $100 bill. There was no sense waiting any longer. The scallops and shrimp did not stand a chance.

She licked her lips, pulled the $100 bill from my hand, and looked at my plate. "Are you going to eat that?"

I looked at my poor, cold salmon. "If you want it, it's yours."

She pushed her plate aside, and took mine. She started eating the salmon, when I reached across and took a piece of broccoli from my plate.

She said, "Hey, you said that was mine."

I replied, "Sue me."

After paying the bill, and standing up to leave, her tummy didn't even have a bulge. "Where, in God's name, did that child put it all?"

*******

I would not allow her to go back to her home and stay alone all night, because I would not sleep there. I took her to my hotel and tried to get a room close to mine. It was Wild Turkey hunting season and every room was full. They had one two-bedroom suite remaining. I asked her if she would be uncomfortable sleeping in the same apartment with me, but in a separate bedroom.

She said, "No."

I changed rooms, and had the valet bring all her packages from the car and from my room up to the suite. He jokingly asked her if she bought out the store.

"No," she said, "just everything in my size."

The valet laughed, and accepted the large gratuity I handed him."

At 11:30 PM, I told Delicious to take a shower, or a bath, and get into bed. I would wake her up at 8 AM. We would have breakfast in the suite and buy her shoes on the way to the funeral home.

She dropped her head, not knowing what to do or say to me after everything we had done together that evening. Finally, she approached me, pecked me on the cheek, and thanked me for making a horrible day into a good day.

I said, "Baby, the next two days are going to be very hard for you. I will be at your side every moment to help you through them. When they are done, every day afterwards will get better. I will make sure the world is at your feet. If you do your share of the work, I will do more than my share to help you. You will have a wonderful life; I promise. I really adored my sister. Rod believes we can help each other. I believe that may be the truth. You have helped me already. I haven't talked this much to anyone in decades. I cannot believe how much you remind me of her. You are lovely reincarnation of my sister. I will love you as much as I loved her."

"Thank you, Uncle Even, I will try."

"I'll make a deal with you; if you don't call me Uncle Even, I won't call you Niece Delicious."

She didn't giggle this time, she laughed. She laughed a 'Divine' laugh. I have no idea where my extended family tree came up with these ridiculous names, but I thank the good Lord my parents did not have another boy. Can you imagine walking around with the name 'Odd Luck' for the rest of your life?

I believe my sister named this wonderful child 'Delicious' to assuage my parent's sensibilities, because they forced her into the marriage with Julius, and saw what he was doing to her.

My father did not have an easy name to live with either, even though in Greek mythology he was the Father of the Titans. However, walking around the greater Boston area with the name 'Uranus Luck' led to many brutal fights and quite a few giggles from girls.

My mother had it easier because she was named for the Greek Goddess of the Grain, Demiter. Demiter Childs is easier to walk around with than Uranus Luck. How she got past the giggle factor, and married him, I will never know.

Then I was born, and they had the nerve to call me 'Even'. I could have been normal with the change of one letter. I could have been 'Evan Luck', instead of Even Luck. I swear they were demented. The next year, when my sister was born they proved they were out of their minds by naming her 'Divine'. How stupid was that? You brand a new baby with an impossible standard, seconds after she is born that she has to carry for the remainder of her life.

My sister becomes pregnant because of the spring break tryst and because my parents force her to marry this bastard, she names her child 'Delicious' to make them feel better about their decision to force her into her marriage. I can see my niece's name being used and abused by every boy and girl in school; with every crude joke imaginable. I believe my sister counseled her little treasure in ways that drove away every boy who came near her. I hope to find out more about her life, when we return to Idaho Springs, and grow closer together.

******

She came out of her bedroom wrapped in a towel that almost covered her.

She said, "We forgot to buy sleepwear."

I turned away quickly, trying not to see what I was not supposed to see.

"I'll give you my pajama top. You can wear that overnight. We can buy you sleepwear at the same time we buy you shoes." I handed it to her looking straight into her eyes, and nowhere else.

I don't know why I left my door slightly open during the night, but a few minutes after 2 AM, I heard Delicious cry out, "Mommy, mommy, help me."

I dashed out of bed, wearing my pajama bottoms, ran across the living room. I opened Delicious' door, and saw her struggling on top of her blankets. My pajama top was wrapped around her neck, exposing her upper body to me. I jumped onto the bed, and covered her breasts. I took her into my arms, and held her tight. Her bed was saturated with sweat.

"It's okay, Delicious, I am here. I will keep you safe."

Her eyes blinked open as she awakened, and cried out. "She's gone Uncle Even; I will never see her again. I need her in my life. I need her to teach me what to do."

"She is always with you, baby girl." I tapped the center of her chest, and her head. "She will always be in your heart and in your mind. She will never leave you. You can talk, see, and speak to her simply by closing your eyes and looking inside yourself. You are a part of her, just as she is a part of you. Don't ever think that she will leave you alone in this life."

"I need her to help me think things through, because I am so afraid of everything. I watched what my father did to her, with every woman he saw. He didn't hide it; he flaunted it in front of her. He is part of me also, and I don't want to be like him."

"You will never be like your father, because he never talked to you as your wonderful mother did. He was too busy carousing around with other women to take the time to care for his own daughter. You may have part of his genetic makeup, but your mind was formed by your mother. My sister took great pains to make sure you were brought up properly. I know why she allowed you to dress and talk the way you do. We will talk about that when we get home to Colorado. Now you have to go back to sleep. It will be time to wake up soon enough."

"Uncle Even, will you stay with me until I fall asleep."

"Niece Delicious, I believe it would be better for you to sleep in my room. Your bed is soaked with your perspiration. Come here; I will carry you."

I slid my arms under her knees and shoulders, and carried her into my bedroom. Either I was stronger than I thought, or she lied about being 117 pounds. She was as light as a feather.

I placed her down lightly, and had her scoot over to the center of the bed so I could sit beside her. She snuggled under the blanket, and I waited for her to return to the arms of Hypnos.

2. The Morning and Afternoon of the Second Day

I must have fallen asleep sitting with my back against the headboard, because in the morning I found her sleeping with her head against my abdomen, and her arms wrapped around my legs. I didn't want to wake her up, but I had a morning erection, and it had to be taken care of soon, or my bladder would burst.

I rubbed her shoulder in an attempt to wake her up gently. As she started to wake up, and instead of rolling away from me, she rolled right onto my erection. Her eyes opened wide. She said, "Is that what I think it is?"

"That all depends; what do you think it is?"

"You know what I think it is; is it?"

"You are very bright young woman. How would I know what a very bright young woman would think it is, because I am only a man."

"Uncle Even, is it or isn't it what I think it is?"

"Niece Delicious, it is not bigger than a breadbox."

"Uncle Even did I cause that?"

"No you didn't. I have to go to the bathroom. It happens to a man every morning. In the vernacular, they call it, "Morning Wood."

"Uncle Even are you lying to me?"

"Niece Delicious, let's make a deal. I will never lie to you, if you promise never to lie to me. That means ever, even if I asked you the most embarrassing question about your bodily functions. If I asked 'did you take a crap today?' You have to answer me honestly. You can ask me anything about anything, and I will answer you truthfully. How does that sound to you?"

"It sounds like you are trying to trap a 16-year-old girl into a very small box."

"If you let me go to the bathroom and alleviate my bladder problem, I will come back and allow you to ask me 5 questions about my personal life. I will answer you truthfully, regardless of how embarrassing the questions are. How does that sound to you?"

"Regardless of what I ask, you will tell me the truth."

"You can even ask Rod, if I answered you truthfully. I have no secrets from him."

"I can ask you 5 questions, and you aren't going to ask me any?"

"You are correct."

"When do you start asking questions of me?"

"I start asking questions, when you have a troubled look on your face, and I think you need a friend to give you some advice. Can I go to the bathroom now please, before I make a mess on the bed?"

"Yes, go ahead, while I think up some embarrassing questions."

Delicious heard the telltale signs of me alleviating my bladder in the bathroom, and she became embarrassed. She heard me wash my hands, and when I walked back into the bedroom, I said, "I can tell by the blush on your cheeks, you are not accustomed to hearing a man urinate."

"No, it was not on my things to do list."

"Okay, do you have your questions ready for me"?

"Yes. Question number 1. At what age where you when you saw a magazine like Playboy?"

"I was 9 years old, and it was Hustler magazine."

"Question number 2. At what age did you see your first naked woman?"

"I was 15 years old."

"Question number 3. What was her name?"

"Divine."

Delicious' jaw dropped to the floor, when she heard her mother's name mentioned.

"Would you like to explain that to me?"

"Is that a question?"

"Yes, dammit, it is. Question number 4. How and why did you see my mother naked?"

"Delicious that is two questions."

"For this question and answer period, it is one question."

"Your mother didn't know my car was in for repairs. She thought she was home alone, but I was in my bedroom, which is directly across from the bathroom. My door was closed when she went into the bathroom to take a shower. She came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head, and nothing around her body. I opened my bedroom door as she exited the bathroom. We looked at each other and screamed. It was the first time I realized she shaved."

Delicious laughed. "What happened next?"

"Is that a question?"

"Dammit Uncle Even, question number 5, what happened next?"

"It was very funny. Every time we looked at each other, or passed each other in the hallway, we would laugh at one another. Our parents asked us what was going on between us. We told them it was a private joke. It took us nearly a month to get over it. Honestly, I don't think we ever did, until I left for college."

"Question number 6. When was the first time you had sex?"

"Young miss; I said you could ask 5 questions, not 6."

"Come on Uncle Even, that's not fair. I never expected you to say the first woman you ever saw naked was my mother."

"In life, Niece Delicious, you have to expect the unexpected."

"Please Uncle Even, answer the question; it's very important that I know."

"There is only one other person in this world who knows the answer to that question, and I have known him for 28 years. I knew you when you were a baby, but you could not talk back then. I've known you for less than a day, how do I know I can I trust you not to repeat this answer to anyone?"

"I swear on my mother, I will never tell another soul the answer to this question."

"First, let me tell you I am not gay. However, if what you said to me at the funeral home is true, I am like you. To this day, I have not had intercourse."

Delicious' facial features froze. I could see my statement rolling around in her brain trying to make sense of my answer, but unable to come up with a satisfactory conclusion. Finally, her eyes returned to normal size, her mouth closed, and she licked her dry lips. She asked, "But why, you're not bad looking, and you have more money than you know what to do with? Women should be crawling all over you."

I smiled, "Our question and answer period has concluded for today. It's now time for you to order breakfast, while I shower, shave, and get ready for the day. I want you to dress in a skirt and blouse, or a dress. Later today I will take you to a salon and try to have them do something with your hair."

"What's the matter with my hair?"

"Besides the split ends, uneven color, and your attempts at keeping your bangs straight; everything."

"Uncle Even, I don't know about this 'honesty' thing. I'm getting ready to punch you."

"Niece Delicious, as long as I am allowed to punch you back, you go for it."

"You wouldn't hit a girl."

"Would you like to bet my $100 on it?"

"It's my $100, and no, I don't want to bet it."

"Is there a chicken in this room; because all I hear is clucking."

"Go take your shower Uncle Even; I am beginning not to like you."

"Order breakfast for 6, Niece Delicious, I want to find out where you put all that food. Make sure you are dressed beautifully, because I'm going to invite Rod to join us at 9 AM."

"Do you have anything particular in mind?"

"No, as long as you start out with panties and a bra, anything else will be fine."

"If you stop calling me Niece Delicious, I will stop calling you Uncle Even."

"I swear everywhere we go there is an echo."

"You are wasting time Even. My stomach is growling. Call your friend, and get ready for the day. I will take care of everything else."

"I see that you are starting to do your share of the work. Make sure you order breakfast for six: Four for you, and one each for a Rod and me."

"I will just order the left side of the menu."

I headed for the safety of the bathroom and said, "As long as the blueberry pancakes are on the left side of the menu, it is fine with me."

I closed the bathroom door just in time not to get hit by a pillow.

******

Rod screamed at me. "Where the hell are you? I called your room last night and some drunk answered the phone. I called the front desk and asked for your room number. They said it was against hotel policy to give out a room number, or call a room after 10 PM. I didn't know if you were dead or alive."

"Rod, it's nice to know that someone missed me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I am in Suite B on the 14^th floor."

"I'm sorry, can I speak to my client please. His name is Even Luck. He buys store brand foods; and will drive 20 miles to save $.03 on a gallon of gasoline. He would not rent a suite in a hotel if they shoved a rocket shoved up his ass, and lit the fuse."

"Rod, if you think that is bad, wait until you have to pay my American Express bill next month. Maybe you should open it while you are in the hospital emergency room. You will have a heart attack, because I took Delicious shopping. We talked for hours. She reminds me so much of my sister. I spent a ton of money on her wardrobe."

There was no acknowledgment from the other end of the phone. I waited for 30 seconds, before I asked, "Rod are you all right?"

"I'm calling the police on the house phone. Someone has taken over the body of my friend, Even Luck. He doesn't spend money on personal items, no less on someone he just met."

"Rod I want you to be up here at 9 AM, for breakfast. Don't be late. Did you take care of the item I asked you to do yesterday?"

"Yes I did. The reason they did not do anything to the bodies was because there was going to be no one to pay for it. I told them I didn't care what happened to your parents, but your sister was to look like an angel by the time we returned today."