There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 01

"Don't you feel like shit now?"

"Yes, I also feel like an idiot for acting like a harlot, as I did at school."

"You realize that's exactly what you were doing: Acting. You fell back into your role as a vamp, and you got exactly what you wanted. You wanted the boy to run away. You set it up perfectly, by getting Rosalynn to look in your direction. You knew Rod would never touch you because of it. You were safe because she was looking. You don't need that anymore, because you are with me. I am here to protect you. Rod and Rosalynn will protect you. You have to stop acting and start living life. I am no one to talk. I don't live life either. Rod lives life. Rosalynn lives life. Talk to them, open up to them, and you will blossom into a wonderful human being. Don't be like me, you have to be much better than I ever was. My ways are set in stone. You have your entire life ahead of you. Let Rosalynn show you the way. She is an excellent role model. She loves life, she loves her husband, she loves her religion, she loves sex, and she loves her children dearly. You could not ask for anyone better to show you the way to a good and productive life. Believe it or not, Rod is not bad, either. The only thing missing from him is he is not really into religion. He is so into education, it interferes with his logic. If you really want to get into a discussion on religion and history, Rod is your man. He is brilliant. He's not too bad as an attorney either. Here is money for lunch and for your salon treatment. Ask Rosalynn how much of a gratuity you are supposed to give each person that works on you, because I have no idea. If you are not happy with the way your hair comes out, say so. Have them change it while you are sitting in the chair. There is no sense you coming home and being unhappy for a few weeks until you go back. Okay?"

"Why are you giving me $500 for haircut, and lunch, Even?"

"Because I can. You don't have to think about taking money from anyone, ever again. Those days are gone young woman. I have more money, and will continue to make more money, during my lifetime, then we could ever use. I wish I could have done this for my sister; it would have given me the greatest joy to do it. It is impossible for me to do it for her any longer, but I can do it for you. I can't take your mother's place, but the three of us will be here to guide you, and correct you when necessary. I will be here for the rest of your life, and I will protect you from all harm. Your mother's worst fear will not come to pass. Your father is dead. He can no longer be the one to hurt you. You are protected by love; hers, theirs, and mine. You will grow up to be a testament to her wonderful life force. She was mine; I loved every breath she took. Her smile was enough to make my day. I tormented her and she smiled at me. I loved the ground she walked on, and she knew it. She was my only love, and my very best friend."

"Uncle Even, you were in love with my mother."

"I loved your mother with everything that I am."

"Is that why you never..."

Rosalynn called out, "Come on, Delicious, it's time for lunch."

Delicious kissed me on the cheek, and said she would see me later.

As she was walking away, I yelled, "Please don't eat the table."

She didn't turn around; she stuck her hand in the air and waved at me.

I got into the coach with Rod and the six kids and started our trek home. We filled up with fuel before entering the interstate, because surprisingly, you use more fuel going uphill 6000 feet in altitude, during a 90 mile drive, then you do going downhill. You also have to keep your foot on the accelerator all the way.

One hour and twenty minutes, and six sleeping kids later Rod stopped at the security entrance to my home. I punched in the twelve-digit code, and watched as the concrete pillars descended into the ground and the steel gate slide open. As soon as the vehicle was clear, I opened the (fake) boulder, punched in the closure code, and watched everything return to its closed and locked position.

As I stood there being blown by the wind and blinded by the sun, I wondered how large a windmill it would take to generate sufficient electricity to the fence to discourage anyone from attempting to climb over it, or cut it, while using the remaining power to make the house self-sufficient. I would ask the computer a few smart questions, and expect it to give me its usual brilliant answers.

I rejoined Rod as he continued up to my home and backed up to the first garage door. I punched the code for that door to open, and started unloading all the packages we had purchased while we were in Maine. When we were finished my back hurt, and I swore I would never go shopping with a woman again. I also knew I was telling myself a lie, because I would be going with Delicious anytime she left the house. I was her protector, and nothing was going to happen to her while she was my charge.

At 7:15 PM, my cell phone rang, and I knew it was Rosalynn by the ring. I picked it up and said, "Were you amazed by the amount she ate?"

Delicious said, "She ate like a bird, no wonder she's so beautiful after having six children."

"If you keep talking about her like that, you are going to have a friend for life."

"We already are friends for life. I am going to be her permanent babysitter. Twenty dollars per hour per child, that's a fair wage don't you think so, Uncle Even?"

"You should become the bargaining agent for the Teamsters Union. They would love you forever."

"Why, and I'm making more money per hour than they are?"

"You're making more money per hour than almost anyone except Bill Gates."

"I guess I don't have to go to the Air Force Academy in that case. All I have to do is find people with a lot of children, willing to pay a lot of money per child."

"What do you have to fall back on if you don't?"

"You said I could always come home."

"Yes, I did. When are you going to be here?"

"What do you mean when? We are waiting for you to open the gate."

While I punched in the code I said to her, "It would have been kind of you to tell me you were here."

"I thought you would see the headlights."

"I'm in the basement."

"Oh, I didn't know that. Are you going to let me in the front door?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"Well, I'm giving Rosalynn her phone back, so when you make up your mind I'll be the one standing or sitting by the front door."

I watched as Rosalynn drove through the security gate on my closed circuit TV, and closed it behind her. I punched another button, and the front door opened. I watched as my niece stuck her head through the front door into a dark hallway. As soon as she said, "Hello" I hit another button that turned on the lights on the main floor.

She yelled out, "Is this a test?"

I opened the door to the basement.

"Do you do this to all your guests, or haven't you had any?"

I said, "Since the people at IBM finished setting everything up, I have allowed only three people down here; you are number four, so be nice."

"Nice, I should feel honored. Where the hell are you?"

"Watch your mouth young lady."

"I only said hell."

"If you cannot use the word in proper company, don't use it in this house."

"Even, please tell me you're joking."

I did not respond to her query.

"Really?"

"I told you I would never lie to you."

"Even the basement is bigger than the house above it. It's huge down here."

"It's 22,000 square feet, blasted out of solid rock. I was going to work on a clandestine project, for an agency that was not an agency of any agency of our government. They told me what they needed, gave me a time frame, and asked me what I needed to accomplish the task. The main thing for them was they could not leave anything behind that could be traced to them. I got my property, my basement, and my house. They got their project completed on time, and under budget. They didn't care about the budget. Everyone was happy, especially me."

"Would you at least tell me where you are?"

"Directly behind you. I love what they did to your hair; it falls very naturally, and makes you look very feminine."

"Thank you Even, can we go upstairs and talk. There are things rattling around in my head that I have to get straightened out, before I can move forward."

"Like the question that went unanswered at the airport."

"Yeah, that's sort of the biggie."

"Okay, let's take the elevator up."

"You have an elevator?"

"Do I have to say it again, or are you going to try to remember?"

"Yes I remember. That's why that question is a biggie."

I smiled at my adorable niece and said, "We are going to come out in a broom closet; don't knock everything over please."

"What kind of establishment are you running here, that guests come out in a broom closet?"

"It's the kind of establishment that if the proprietor gets an unwanted guest, who comes over the fence, and past his security arrangements, he gets into the elevator, and closes a door that does not look like a door. The elevator runs on electric motors that are silent. It can stop halfway up, and cannot be seen. When the way is clear, it can continue going all the way up into the security of a broom closet. It cannot go down without going all the way up to the broom closet first. It is a security precaution."

"Uncle Even, are you saying you do dangerous stuff down here?"

"Niece Delicious, one of my newer patents has just passed $900 Million in profits for all the companies that are using it in their products. It has only been out for two years. The patent runs for twenty years. That patent will make me approximately $40 million a year. I have forty-three other patented products that bring in as much or more money than this one. People will kill for that amount of money."

"I did a lousy thing for $500."

"Yes, Delicious, you did, and you paid a high price for it. You felt terrible when you went over to Rod and handed him that money, didn't you?"

"Yes, but it wasn't so much the money, it's the way I got him to give it to me that I felt bad about."

"That was the price you had to pay. That gut wrenching feeling that you took money from a nice man, who if you had asked for it, would have given it to you, without asking you why you needed it."

"Can we go up to the broom closet now? I'm starting to feel bad again."

They got into the canister like elevator and slid slowly up to the main floor of the house. The canister rotated and the opening faced the dark broom closet.

I said, "Take small steps, and keep your hands in front of you. When you touch the door the handle will be on your left side.

She moved forward, with no fear, until finally she said, "I've got it."

I replied, "One day I'm going to remember to do this first." I turned on the light in the closet.

Delicious said, "Uncle Even, you are a terrible tease."

"I don't have a lot of company. Sometimes I play tricks on myself. It makes the time go by quicker."

As we entered the kitchen, I asked her if she would like something to drink?"

"Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, please."

Without blinking an eye, I replied, "We have kilts upstairs, plenty of rocks outside, but as far as the twist is concerned, it went out style before my time."

Delicious had no idea what I said to her. I opened a drawer, pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, and put it in front of her. "Write it down."

Delicious did, and when she read what she wrote she looked up at me and said, "Please keep your day job, this is awful."

"Niece Delicious, it was so awful, it took your brain four minutes to figure it out. Think about that for a second or 240 seconds."

"Uncle Even, that's not fair. It was a terrible joke."

"A sixteen-year-old girl asking her uncle for a Scotch on the rocks with a twist is supposed to be funny? The next time you do it, I'm going to line 10 of them up in front of you and watch you drink each one. I will wait until the alcohol takes effect and put you to bed. I want you to remember what happens to you the next morning as you vomit your guts up for the next four hours. I want you to remember what any man could have done to you while you were in that condition."

"Uncle Even, you are just like my mom."

"Don't you dare try to butter be up."

"I wasn't, because it's the truth. Mom would have beaten the crap out of me if I took a drink of alcohol. She would have cut my arm off if I ever did drugs. I tried to tell you that in the funeral home. Mom helped keep my head on straight, and she did it by lecturing me, like you just did. She was a wonderful mother, and she was a better friend, because I didn't have any friends to talk with."

"In that case, you are forgiven."

"Even can we have another question and answer period?"

"Am I allowed to ask questions, also?"

"Only if you absolutely have to, but they have to be easy questions."

"Delicious even the easiest questions can be the hardest to answer."

"Let me start with this one, and then I can stop whenever I want. Is that okay?"

"When we talk like this I don't want you to feel any pressure being put on you. I want you to feel like you are in control at all times."

"Thank you Even. What was going on between you and my mother?"

"Nothing."

Delicious was waiting for more details, but I did not give her any, until she finally raised her voice and said, "Even, you had the hots for my mother, even though she was your sister. What was going on?"

"Nothing."

"Don't you dare do this to me, I won't sleep for a year if you leave me hanging like this."

"What would you have me say, Delicious. Would you like me to tell you that we had a sordid affair. We had to sneak between bedrooms in the middle of the night to satisfy our own youthful lust for one another. Is that what you want to hear?"

"If it's the truth, Even, yes. If it's not, tell me how you managed to control your feelings."

"I never touched my sister inappropriately; even though I wanted her every day and every time I saw her. Divine was so beautiful, so cheerful, and possibly the happiest girl I ever knew. Every one of my friends wanted her as his girlfriend. Then they would look at me and know they were in trouble if they touched her wrong, and I found out about it. Our playground was at home, where we would laugh and study in the den and make fun of one another. It was the simple things that would make her laugh, and make my heart sing. I wanted her to be anyone else's daughter, or me to be anyone else's son so I could have her. I think that's why I began studying so hard. I had to get away from her. If I hadn't been away at school the summer she went to Cape Cod, we would have been there together; which means you wouldn't be here now. Her life would have been so much better, and so would mine. However, It would have wound up disastrous for both of us in the end. She had no idea how deeply I felt for her. I was her big protective brother. She could tell me anything and know it would never be repeated. However, sooner or later, she would have fallen in love with someone else, and seen the devastation in my eyes. That's when it would have hit her that her big oaf of a brother was in love with her, and had been since they were children. I could not stand the look of disappointment in her eyes. It would be like I had betrayed her. Instead of seeing me as protecting her, she would know I had been lusting after her all that time. It would have broken both our hearts, and I could not have lived with myself knowing I had caused Divine that much pain."

"Even, I think you're wrong. Mom had a lousy and painful marriage, but I think she had a good life. She was well liked where she worked, and had several long-term friends from her job. As soon as she knew I could take care of myself, while I was out of the house, she was able to relax and enjoy herself a little. It got really terrible this past three years, when I developed a body, and he started staring at me. That's when mom went completely ballistic with the education of my body, and my mind. She put me on the pill. She wanted me to be able to keep any man off balance, and away from me, long enough that I could run and get away safely."

"How did she tell you to protect yourself from a man who was coming on to you?"

"She told me to come on harder to him. Men hate pushy women, especially when it comes to sex. You know the type," Hey baby, I got this piece of meat for you!" They expect you to be repelled by their vulgar remark, and walk away. Mom taught me to walk right up to the bastard and grab that 'piece of meat' right front of his friends. She had me memorize dozens of lines I could use to put them in their place, but if the man was really big and intimidating, she would tell me to say something like this, "I'm for you big guy, but I don't believe in using condoms. I have "HEP" 'B'. It's not active now, and if you want me, it's got to be bareback so I can feel your hard cock inside me."

I laughed hard. "Do you know where my sister got most of that line?"

Delicious replied, "No, I thought she made it up."

"Delicious, my sister was many things to many people, but vulgar was not one of her assets. A friend gave me an X rated video to watch, and Divine came home early and caught me watching it. I turned it off, but she told me to turn it back on. She sat down to watch the remainder of the movie with me. That's why I remember the name of that movie to this day. It is called, "Slippery Back Alley," with a cast of forgettable actors who liked anal sex."

"Oh God that's got to hurt."

"I wouldn't know, I've never tried it. However, watching these people do their gymnastics on the screen, you would believe some of those women actors would have no problem sitting on a fire hydrant and having it disappear. Getting back to that statement, one very shady man accosts a good-looking woman as she is ready to pass by this alley. After he goes through his vulgar routine, she says to him, "I have VD, and syphilis. I don't like using condoms because I don't feel the man inside me. I'm yours if you want me big guy, but it has to be skin to skin."

Delicious said, "I guess she saw it work in the movie, and knew it would work in real life."

"It didn't work in the movie. The male actor said, "I have VD and syphilis, but I also have gonorrhea, let's have some fun baby."

He pulls her down the alley while she is screaming, "I was only kidding. Honest, I don't have any diseases I was just trying to get away from you. Please leave me alone, I don't want to get any of your diseases.

The man replies, "I was kidding too. I don't have any diseases either. I am just going to shove my dick up your ass." He does so, several times. Three of his buddies do her at one time. She becomes very actively involved for the rest of the movie. It turns out she was very limber."

"Uncle Even, is that how you know you are not gay?"

"There were a lot of naked men running around on that movie set, and I was not looking at them at all. It gave me an indication that I definitely was not homosexual."

"What did mom think?"

"All she said to me was at the movie was very educational; not well acted, but very educational." I looked her in the eye and she had this demonic look in it. I wasn't sure if she was overheated by the sex she had just witnessed, or reviled by it."

"Why haven't you had sex yet?"

"I can't really answer that question for you properly. Rod would say it's a lack of opportunity, because I am rarely in the company of women. That's not totally true. I go to conventions, and seminars, where I am surrounded by men and women both professional and graduate students. So the opportunity is definitely there, but the compunction to act on it is not there. I feel no need to have sex for the sake of having sex. If and when I do have sex I want it to be when I am in love with the right person, at the right time in my life."