There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 01

"Finish your drink, the flight attendant will be by to pick up the glass in a second. We will turn onto the runway; you will hear the engines get very loud and then the brakes will release, and you will be pushed back into your seat. We will go down the runway about 3000 feet, the nose will lift up, and everything will become quiet. The landing gear will retract, and you will hear a thump as they lock in position. You will hear nothing but the sound of the engines until we descend into Denver. It is just that easy."

"It's easy for you to say. I'm going to close my eyes and pray all the way there."

"It's a shame; you are going to miss some beautiful scenery."

They turned onto the runway and the engines began to roar. Delicious' hand squeezed mine so hard I thought she was going to break my fingers. Everything happened the way I said it would, and the tension in her hand eased.

The aircraft leveled off at 2000 feet. I told Delicious to look out her window, because I ordered the pilot to do a tour around the outskirts of the city. It would be the last time she would ever see it.

Mournfully she said, "I can see our house. Mom and I had some good times there."

"All you have to do is close your eyes and think of those times; you will carry them with you forever and ever. No one can take them away from you. Will you miss anyone else?"

She looked around the city below her, saw her high school, and shook her head. "Uncle Even, all I see is pain. I know I caused some of it by trying to keep the boys away from me. A lot of the girls were as bad as I was pretending to be, but they went out with those boys; I never did. They could have been nicer to me; but they never were."

"Did you ever think they could see you were an angel in disguise, or that you were more beautiful than they were?"

"I don't know what to think, but once you enter puberty, everything changes. You are either in the crowd or you are out. If you are out, you are marked person, and with a name like mine, your easy prey."

"Would you two shut up, I can't think."

I laughed. "This is a reversal of fortune for you isn't it Rod? On the way here you talked for 3 hours nonstop. We've been in the air 20 minutes and you are complaining about us talking. How inconsiderate of us."

"We took a 17 hour trip to Australia, Even. You said fewer words on that trip than you did on this trip so far. Your tongue is going to develop cramps, because it has never been used this much."

"I didn't know the tongue could develop cramps."

"Delicious, the tongue is a muscle, and like all muscles, it can develop a cramp."

"I'm cold. Does it always get chilly inside an airplane?"

"If you think it's chilly in here, why don't you step outside?"

"You go first, Even; I'll follow you."

I hit a button, and asked for a blanket and pillow for Delicious. Ten minutes later she was unconscious.

"How much did you give her Rod?"

"A little more than would put a fly to sleep. I would bet she has never taken a drug in her life, the way she reacted to a milligram of Valium."

"I would have bet on it, knowing my sister, and her attitude towards drugs. However, it was easier than asking Delicious to pee in a bottle."

********

2 hours later, over the Great Plains of the United States, she woke up, and she was not very happy.

"Which one of you did this to me? I don't take naps during the middle of the day."

I offered, "You have never been in an airplane before either. Your body might be getting used to it, or not."

"Uncle Even tell me the truth."

I pointed it Rod and said, "He did it."

Defensively, Rod said, "He told me to do it."

Delicious looked at the both of us and shook her head. "One of you will lie, and the other one will swear to it."

I protested. "I am not lying. I told you I would never lie to you and I am not. Rod gave you less than 1 mg of Valium to make this flight easier on you, because you were so nervous."

"Rod, I could have your license pulled for doing something as stupid as that. Don't you know you're not allowed to dispense drugs to someone other than the person it was prescribed for?"

"Even, why didn't I listen to you and keep you at home. She is impossible. She is going to drive both of us insane. I thought I did something nice for her and she is going to have my license pulled. First she tells me I'm ugly, and then she's going to put me out of work; what's next?"

I sat back in my chair and smiled. "I don't know my friend, but I'm enjoying the hell out of it."

"Et tu Brute'?"

"Consider it partial payback for all the nasty things you have been saying to me these past ten years, while I have been making you rich."

"I am not as rich as you are, but I thank you, my wife thanks you, and each of my 6 children thank you."

Delicious said, "I realize you must have a lot of time on your hands, because Even does not keep you that busy every day of the week 365 days a year. However, don't you think you should give your poor wife a break in between babies?"

I laughed and applauded my niece's bluntly put statement.

"Counselor do you have a reply to that query?"

"Yes I do, Even. Can I help it if fell madly in love, and married a devout Roman Catholic woman, who is sexy as hell, and horny all the time? Once her Ova realize we are having intercourse, they start doing calisthenics, and get ready for the big moment. When her vagina yells 'BLASTOFF', instead of the eggs waiting calmly for the sperm to reach them Rosalynn's Ova are like crazed linebackers. They seek out the oncoming horde of sperm and attack them in force. They kill off all the losers, and carry the winner back on their shoulders and implant her in the lining of the uterus and watch as she begins a new life cycle."

Delicious retorted, "Rod, you could tell that as a bedtime story to your children, or sell it as a Dr. Seuss story. It was really awesome. In real life however, why don't you get yourself snipped, and prevent all this drama."

Rod grabbed his crotch and said, "Who Me?"

"Yes you asshole."

"Delicious, watch your mouth."

"Uncle Even, I just said..."

"How long do you need to be grounded for me to get my message across to you?"

"I just received a news flash at my message center Uncle Even, can we discuss this later?"

"Niece Delicious, it will be a very short discussion, and you will lose."

"Mommy, I need help."

"No Delicious, you need to change your vocabulary quickly."

Don't you think your wife has given you enough children, and gone through enough pain and suffering for one lifetime. She will not break her vows to her religion, and you will not have to worry about spreading your seed to anyone else. For a few days of discomfort, and wearing an ice pack as a jockstrap, you could give your wife all the sex she wants, without the fear of getting pregnant again."

"You open the door Even, I'll throw her out. She is not only going to drive you into a new life, but she is going to take me along with you. I am not sure I am going to like this one bit."

"I will repeat what I said to you before. I wanted to stay home. You told me I had to go. I wanted to put her into a boarding school. You laughed at me. This is your fault. You are going to have to live with the consequences just as I am. I am enjoying this much more than I thought I would, because of the look on your face."

"I'm going to make sure you get audited by the IRS every year from now on."

"That's fine with me. Whose name is next to mine with all those fancy letters and titles showing how smart he is. Who will have to defend every item he put down on the paper? If I remember correctly, I don't have to be there."

"Uncle Even, if he doesn't do your taxes correctly, I can do them for you. It's a piece of cake."

Rod laughed. "You wouldn't know where to begin with his taxes."

"Mister Laver, I'll bet you my only $100 that I do know where to begin."

"Miss Delicious Mark I accept your bet."

"Mister Laver on the top left hand side of the first page, you put your clients name; last name first, first name, and middle initial. May I have my $100 now please?"

Rod looked at her in astonishment. He walked right into a trap, with his eyes wide open. He handed her a $100 bill and said, "Why do I have a feeling this is not the last time I'm going to be handing you money?"

"You should couch your questions in a more closed end manner, as you would if you were going to court. If you leave yourself open, as you did with that question, I will be taking money from you, like I would take candy from a baby."

"Even, I don't like her."

"We graduated from the University of Massachusetts in 2 ½ years together. You went to Harvard, I went to MIT. Are you going to let a 16-year-old girl intimidate you? Man, what has happened to your balls?"

"She just had them snipped, remember."

"Snipped yes, but not removed, and it hasn't happened yet."

Delicious asked, "Can I use your telephone, please. I would love to talk to Rosalynn, and tell her about this conversation."

I was handing her my phone, when Rod's snatched it out of my hand.

"Delicious, you will never talk to my wife; you will never meet my wife, and you will never know where I live. My life will not be worth two cents if you two get together and talk about Even and me."

"Two cents; that leaves a penny of wiggle room. It could be fun."

The flight attendant walked down the aisle and said, "We are beginning our descent into Denver. Would you please buckle your seatbelts?"

Delicious was astonished. She said, "We are here already?"

I said, "No, we are about 300 miles east of the airport. We will be on the ground in about thirty-five minutes."

"That is still very quick considering how far we have come. It is definitely quicker than the bus, or train. Does it really take a lot of time to get used to living mile above sea level?"

"Yes it does. The air is thinner, so there's not as much oxygen in it as there is at sea level. It takes a little while for your body to get used to it. We live in Idaho Springs, which is twice as high as Denver: 11,483 feet, or just a little bit more than 2 miles above sea level. It will take you 3 times longer to get used to it. If you walked a mile in 10 minutes at home, it would take you 30 minutes to walk it had my home. You would feel like the weight of the world was on your back when you walk in the front door.

There are many things about my property that I love, and after a long walk, or hike through the forest I can go to my natural hot spring, and relax, so my muscles don't cramp. In the winter I use that water to heat the house. It's close enough that you can walk there, but in the winter, I take my snowmobile because it's easier."

"You have a snowmobile?"

"Every self-respecting Coloradan has a snowmobile. How else would we get to the mail box, during the winter?"

"Can I have one?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You are a Maine-iac!"

"Very funny Even; do I get a snowmobile or what?"

"You get a snowmobile after you get your drivers' license."

"How can I get a drivers' license if I don't have a car?"

"You can use mine."

Rod said, "I would put my worst enemy in that car."

"It has new brakes; new tires and it just had a tune-up. What's wrong with my car?"

"The transmission sucks, the engine bounces all over the place, because you never got the mounts replaced, and one more good bounce and your driveshaft will drop out. Is there anything else you'd like to know?"

"Why didn't they tell me that when I brought in for the tires?"

"Because you go in there and tell them exactly what you want done to your car; nothing more and nothing less. If you asked them to inspect the car and tell you what's wrong with it, they would give you a laundry list of things that need to be taken care of. However that is not the way you work. These last few days I have seen you spend your money the way you should. There is no sense dying with nine figures in your bank account for someone else to enjoy."

Delicious choked. "Nine figures, you are that rich?"

"No, he forgot the decimal point with two more zeroes."

"Uncle Even, you promised not to lie to me."

"I didn't lie, you didn't listen.

"Alright, can we go over this one more time?"

"No."

"EVEN!"

"DELICIOUS!"

"Mister Laver, would you buy me a gun please? If you do I'll never talk to your wife."

"Tempting; very, very tempting; but I would lose my only source of income."

"Didn't you make out his will?"

"No he wouldn't let me. It was the one item he farmed out to another firm. I was furious with him, but he said it was for his own good. He didn't want me to know if I was named in the will or not, just in case I killed him."

Delicious said, "Good move, Even; where do you keep your will?"

"It's in a double sealed envelope in his office. If either seal is broken, that Will is null and void. There is another one filed with the attorneys that drew the up my Will. All my money will go to charity, except the money I put aside for your mother, which automatically reverts to you."

Rod grumbled. "So you had a mean streak before you went to Waterville."

"Rod, you are my best and only friend. I gave you the master copy of my Will, because I trust you implicitly, and wanted to drive you crazy at the same time. Every time you open your safe you see that manila envelope, and want to see what's in there. I know you will never open it, but I enjoy the thought of you looking at it and grimacing."

"I can tell you two are related. In your own ways, you are both evil."

Delicious said, "Mister Laver, I have a solution to your problem. Why don't you take that envelope, and put it in a safety deposit box in a bank. You will never have to look at it again, and the temptation to open it will be gone."

"I hate 16-year-old girls. I never thought about that. I will do that first thing Monday morning." Rod reached into his wallet and gave Delicious another $100.

"Delicious, I think I'm going to put you on retainer. It's going to be cheaper for me that way. I'm going to arrange for you to take the GED and get you out of high school and into college. Once that is done, I am going to arrange for you to CLEP as many courses as they will let you, and get you out of college in less than two years. Then we will decide on your future; whether it is: the law, science, engineering, technology, computers, or wherever your talents lie."

Delicious looked at Rod and me, and asked, "Do I have any say in this matter?"

Rod and I said in chorus, "NO!"

"I can feel you two tightening the noose around my neck already. What happened to homeschooling?"

"You are going to be doing a lot of this at home, and if you're not happy we have one other option for you."

"Should I bother asking what it is?"

I smiled at my lovely niece and before I could say it, she did:

"The Air Force Academy. I'm beginning not to like either of you. I have $300; I could probably buy a gun on the black market and off you with it, Even. I could claim loneliness, depressive neurosis over the loss of my parents and grandparents, and most depressing of all, 'Living with a Dork."

I looked at my attorney and asked, "Are you taping all of this, Rod?"

"Taping all of what, Even? If you are dead, I get to open that envelope."

"I can see the two of you are forming a conspiracy against me. I'm going to have to watch my back at all hours of the day and night."

"Uncle Even, if you give me the patent on the Satellite Telecommunications Linkup when you're finished with it, I promise to be good. You'll never have to worry about your back from me ever again."

"Do you see what you've done to my niece, Rod? She has never stolen anything in her life. After the few hours she has been cooped up with you, she wants to steal three years of my work. You are a bad influence on an impressionable child. No, Delicious, you cannot have my Patent, unless you work on it with me."

Delicious grinned. "He doesn't know how to deal with women, does he? I got everything I wanted, and all I had to do was ask him for it."

"Even, she does not fight fair. You never see her coming, and before you know it, you have given up the crown jewels, plus your own jewels as well."

Even replied, "I'm going to tell Rosalynn you volunteered to get snipped so she wouldn't have to bare any more children. You don't want her to go through any more pregnancies, like the last five, because they are unfair to her. You are going to man up and get your balls cut off."

"You wouldn't do that to me."

"You can stand by the phone and listen while I do it."

"What's gotten into you, Even?"

"You sent me to Waterville Maine."

"I'm so sorry; I didn't know what I was doing.

"I told Delicious I would never lie to her. Now I have to give her the Patent on the EXOSensor."

"You've tested it already?"

"Of course I've tested it. It's not ready yet, but its damn close. Three years of my work, and it's going to belong to a high school student."

The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Prepare for landing."

I reached out and took Delicious' hand in mine. "You are going to hear a bump as the landing gear comes down, and a high-pitched whine has the flaps go down. When the tires touch the ground, it's just like driving on an unfinished road for a few seconds, and then it smooth's out. You will hear a loud noise which will be the engine thrust being diverted to slow us down. Then we will taxi to the terminal. Our flight is over; it is as easy as that."

"You're not angry with me?"

"What have you done to get the angry with you?"

"I joked that I was going to steal your Patent."

"Did you know you were joking?"

"Of course, I did. I wanted to see how you would react."

"How did I react?"

"You blamed to Rod for taking you to Maine."

"How did Rod react?"

"He said he had not made a mistake like that since he was in law school."

"Did anyone accuse you of doing anything wrong or yell at you?"

"No, and I don't understand why? I was the one doing the stealing."

"Were you really stealing; or did people know you were pulling their chain, and got even with you by letting you wonder what was happening by blaming someone else or themselves?"

Delicious looked at Rod, who was grinning at her. She looked at me and said, "You two are evil. You took advantage of a naïve sixteen-year-old girl. That's not fair, and furthermore it was not nice."

Rod said, "I told you I would get even for that 'ugly' remark."

Delicious replied, "I will find out your home phone number and talk to your wife."

"I don't have a landline to my home, we only use cell phones."

"That's not fair. There's no phone book for cell phone numbers."

Rod smiled, "I feel really awful about that, I really do."

"I guess I'll just have Uncle Even tell Rosalynn that I have volunteered to babysit your children, so you two can get a well-deserved night out."

"I told you before Delicious, you are not going to meet my wife, you are not going to speak to my wife, and you are not going to know where I live."

"Mister Laver would you like to lose another $100?"

"What are we betting on now?"

"Even, do I have access to a computer or to a library with computers in it?"

"Absolutely, how do you think you're going to be doing your homework?"

"Mister Laver, I bet you within thirty minutes of my getting home to Uncle Evens house, I know everything there is to know about your home. its address its square footage its lot size and everything else pertinent to it."