Who Knew?

"Ms. Kent, we really need to figure out how we're going to approach this," he said. "The DA is under a lot of pressure to go for the death penalty."

I continued to stare out into space, lost in my thoughts. I'd been thinking about a song. I couldn't get the lyrics out of my head.

* * * * * *

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong

I know better

Cause you said forever

And ever, who knew?

* * * * * *

It was a song called "Who Knew" by Pink. As I sat there contemplating the lyrics and how they reflected my life, my lawyer continued to scream for me to pay attention to him.

"God damn it, lady," he screamed, "do you just want to die?" Finally his words got through to me.

"Yes, actually," I said, "but what difference does it make? What's your name again?"

"Winston," he said adjusting his glasses.

"Have you ever been in love, Winston?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm married," he said. He adjusted his tie and started nervously tapping his pen on his legal pad. I laughed again and smiled at him.

"Winston, you're lying," I said. "You're one of those smart, practical guys. You do the things that everyone expects you to do. You follow the trends and go with the flow. When you graduated from college everyone expected you to find a girl and get married so you could have kids and a house and a dog and all of that shit. I can tell you've never really been in love by the way you looked at me when you answered my question.

"Winston, love isn't like that. It isn't practical, it isn't smart and it's almost never tied up in a neat and tidy little bow like your life. Love is painful and sweaty. Love is embarrassing and heart rending. Love constantly makes you do things that people don't think you should do, but you do them anyway because love doesn't allow you freedom of choice."

"I've been in love several times," said Winston. "I think." I snorted derisively.

"Winston, you're full of shit," I said. "I've only been in love once and it's already fucked up my life. I eat, sleep and breathe Josh. Everything I do, the good, the bad and the in between, is all about Josh. I know I've done some pretty stupid things when I look back at them. And now I've done a truly evil thing, to a woman who never did anything but help me and show me how much she cared about me. But I swear that when it comes to Josh, I have no control over my actions. The worst thing about this is that if I had to, I'd do it all over again."

"Um, don't say that in court," he said. "Maybe we should go with temporary insanity?"

"Winston, it doesn't matter," I smiled at him. "My life is over either way. You didn't see the way that Josh looked at me, when he realized what I'd done. I'd rather die than go through the rest of my life with him hating me."

At time of that conversation, it had been three weeks since I'd seen Josh last. I spent a large part of every day, thinking about where he was and what he was doing. Once again I just wished that I had a chance to explain it all to him. I needed him to understand that I hadn't intended for Cherry to die. I only wanted him to understand that she was no better than I was and when it came to him, I was actually better. No one on this planet loved him as much as I did.

I loved Cherry too. She was my best friend, but if it came down to it, I would have intentionally killed her to be with Josh. I also understood Josh far better than he thought I did. Josh didn't love Cherry. He still loved me. He was going to marry Cherry, because she was a nice girl and she made him feel safe. Even though he loved me the same way I love him, he was afraid of being hurt again the way I'd hurt him before.

The main reason that he'd been so angry at me was because he never expected for someone he loved to hurt him like that. He barely reacted when he thought those stupid actors were responsible for Cherry's death. They were strangers to him and he knows that it's a gritty, mean, shitty world out there. Cherry's death was awful and terrible, but things like that happen.

But as soon as he found out that I was the main person responsible, he'd flipped out because, he'd let his guard down around me and once again I'd been the one who'd hurt him. It seemed like as much as I loved him, I was always the one bringing him pain. Josh would never have killed me. He's just not the type. Besides, he really does love me.

Winston had been gone for about an hour when the guard opened my cell door and spoke to me in his usual polite and professional manner.

"Hey, crazy bitch," he said, using his affectionate nick name for me. "You've got a visitor. Come down to the visiting room."

I was sure that Josh had finally come to see me. I'd found out through Winston that my family had disowned me. That wasn't a very big surprise. I knew that Josh would want to know why. I'd been rehearsing what I would say to him for the whole time that I'd been here. There were a few times when I really didn't think I'd get the chance, but here it was. I only wish I'd had some way to do my hair or make-up. I unbuttoned the top two buttons and sucked in my stomach. I made that orange jumpsuit look good.

As I stepped up to the wall and opened the window that would let me see Josh through a few bars, my face fell. It wasn't Josh.

She started laughing immediately. "Button up your clothes and wipe that fucking smile off of your face," she spat while she smiled. "It's not Josh, honey."

All of those theories about relativity suddenly made sense. I totally understood that whole, equal and opposite reaction, thing then. She was just as happy to see me as I was miserable to see her.

"I was going through some of Cherry's things and I found something she wanted you to have," she said. She fluttered her huge eyelashes and the hulking prison guard who was watching our conversation lumbered over to her. I swear I could see little hearts coming off of him as he looked at her. It was like a fucking cartoon. Jeezus, guy, she's just another woman, just like me.

He looked over the folded piece of paper she held out to him. He opened it and looked at it and then nodded his head and handed it back to her. She passed it through the bars to me. Before I could open it and read it, she started talking again in her heavy Polish accent.

"I guess I should thank you," she said. "But it's really hard to form words when you're laughing so hard."

"What are you talking about, you over made-up idiot?" I snapped.

"I never took you seriously," she said. "I liked Lisa, and I respected her. She was sweet and everyone loved her. She could, and actually did, take Josh away from me. You never could have. You're just a cheaper, sluttier, stupider version of me. From the first time I saw you at Josh's parent's house, I just laughed at you. I always worried about you, because from the way he described you, I thought you were something special. But then when I saw you, I just laughed."

"Then, when you got sick, I actually did worry a bit, because Josh is kind of different. Like a lot of American men, he dances to the beat of his own drummer. I thought that he might be that way with you. I mean Josh has enough money to do whatever he wants but he'd still rather drive his Mustangs than a Ferrari. So I thought that with you being sick, if he spent a lot of time with you, he might start to think that you were special too, like his Mustangs."

"When we broke up, I always knew that I could get him back so I never dated anyone and never worried about it. But when Lisa came into his life, I worried. Then you went and did me the best favor anyone ever has. You did it for the dumbest possible reason, but you did it anyway."

I looked at her and she was being absolutely serious. She was smirking at me and shaking her head as if she was telling a child why he was about to get his ass whipped for playing in the street.

"The funny thing about all of this is that you always were the Mustang, you were just too stupid to realize it. You kept coming up with your little schemes and intrigues, when all along you never needed to. Josh loves you, stupid. You never had to even lift a finger to keep him. But you just kept shooting yourself in the foot over and over again. All of your plans and ideas only pushed you further and further away from Josh. Maybe once you read that letter you'll understand it." She looked at me and smiled as if she was posing for a picture and then turned to walk away. Just before the screen closed she looked back at me.

"I don't understand what this means," she said. "But your sister told me to tell you this when she came to console Josh at Lisa's funeral. She said to tell you...Don't drop the soap."

I slammed the window closed as hard as I could. The guard on my side immediately started yelling for me to calm down. He walked me back to my cell. There, in the silence, I remembered the piece of paper that I still clutched in my hand.

If I don't get the death penalty, I thought. If they give me life in prison, and I get the chance to get out after fifty years or so... I'll get that bitch back. I'll stick my seventy eight year old foot so far up that Polish skank's ass that they think my toenails are her teeth.

I opened up the paper and noticed the hearts and the little cherries on the stationery. Cherry was the only person I knew who preferred to hand write letters as opposed to typing them or emailing them. She always went that extra mile to personalize the things she did. She'd always told me that it let people know that you really were thinking about them when you did it.

I guess maybe that was one of the reasons that people loved Cherry so much. She always tried to make everyone she came in contact with happy. Whether it was dancing for them or, writing them back for a fan letter or even just signing an autograph, Cherry always went that extra mile. As I read her words, I had to stop and wipe my eyes.

My dearest friend,

Brianna, you've won. I'm sorry I fell in love with your Josh, but he really is the most wonderful man I've ever met. I fully understand all of the things you told me about how you'd be willing to do anything to get him back in your life. I understand it because I feel the same way about him. The thing I feel the worst about is that I was willing to give up our friendship, though with great regret, to have him as well. I only wish that this was one of those internet stories where the two of us could share him.

Unfortunately, this is real life and of the many things I want to do with and for Josh, the thought of sharing him revolts me. Even the thought of him being with another woman revolts me, as much as I love you. And Brianna, I do love you. You're the sister I never had. I'm not writing you this letter to gloat, I'm writing it to tell you two things. The first of course was that you've won. As much as I love him, I know that Josh will never feel about me the way that he does about you. I've caught him in unguarded moments staring at you and smiling. Josh has a great capacity for love and to be loved, but I truly believe that most of it is directed towards you. I think that in time the two of you will be back together and that no force in the universe can keep you apart forever.

The second thing is that I'd like it if you would let me keep Josh for a while. At this point in time, he's still afraid of what you did to him the first time. He needs time to get over it, but I'm sure he will. There's also the fact that I haven't told this to anyone yet, but I'm going to need you. This morning I found out from my doctor something that fills me with both fear and dread. The seizures that I've suffered with all of my life are slowly killing me. My doctor gave me perhaps a year to live at the most. So Brianna my plan is to marry Josh, get pregnant and leave him a little chunk of me to remember me by.

I'll need you to take care of him and our child when I'm gone. The time you spend with us will give you a chance to rebuild trust with Josh so please don't begrudge me the short amount of time I'll have with him. In the end he will be yours as he always has been. I'm only borrowing him. I'll have one year, you'll have decades. I hate to give you the burden of raising my child, but I can't think of anyone better for the job. Brianna you've made mistakes in your life, but when the chips are down there's no one with more love in them than you on the planet. You would do anything for the people you love and that's the kind of person I want to raise my child and for Josh to have in his life when I'm gone.

Please keep this between us, whether you agree to it or not. I also ask that after you read this letter you burn it and never mention it. Just look at me and nod your head if you're willing. Either way, I love you Bri.

Cherry

The letter fell from my fingertips and I started crying again. This time I couldn't stop. I sank into a depression and just wouldn't eat. I got so thin that they started feeding me intravenously. I simply didn't want to live anymore.

When the trial started, the story had been all over the news and the internet. Even though I hadn't actually murdered Cherry, almost everyone believed that I was guilty. There were so many who believed that I should go to the electric chair that there were no longer any polls being conducted on that question.

The trial was shorter than you'd imagine. Even when they seated a jury composed of people from other states, it took a surprisingly short amount of time. The DA basically didn't even need to prepare a case. He just told the jury my fucking life story. He told them about two young people who were so much in love that we got married very young. He talked about the hard times we went through and the sacrifices that Josh made for me.

He talked about how I was greedy and impatient and wanted more immediately so I started screwing other men for money. None of that was true but it was close enough to the actual facts that I didn't dispute it.

He told the jury that I started a career in porn and embarrassed not only myself but my entire family and continued doing it for years. He talked but how I fought Josh's attempts to divorce me until it couldn't be put off anymore. Then he told them how, when I got sick, Josh put his entire life on hold to help me even though we were no longer married. He talked about Cherry and how it was she who paid for my hospital bills until Josh took over. He called her an angel and my best friend. He told them that Cherry had been the one who convinced Josh to actually help me. He reminded the jury that Josh and I were no longer married, before telling them how Josh and Cherry had fallen in love.

His tone went from syrupy and sweet as he described their love to bitter and acidic as he described my jealousy of their happiness. He talked about my return to porn under a different name. He told them about how I'd used my connections and found four stupid and broken men and used them to do what I didn't have the guts to do myself. Lastly he talked in very somber tones about my betrayal of my two closest friends, who'd stood by me when no one else would.

Through all of this, I sat there and attempted to keep my face neutral. I looked at it as if all of this was only a formality. Because to me it was; I deserved whatever they wanted to give me and worse. I think the worst moment of the trial was when the DA finished his case and the judge looked at me and shook his head. The courtroom was so quiet you could hear a pin drop when he spoke to me.

"Young lady, you've heard the case against you. What do you have to say about all of this? Are the things that he said true?" he asked.

"Yep, that's pretty much it," I said. The quiet of the courtroom was shattered as the jury and the audience of reporters and people from other cases all gasped at the same time and started talking and yelling.

The next day the jury returned with their verdict. The judge told them that they needed to withdraw to consider the evidence because it was procedure. They did reluctantly go back into the jury chamber and talk about it, but they came back in less than ten minutes and said they were ready.

It was the best day of the trial for me. Because it was the first time that Josh actually came to court. He wore a gray suit and he looked both handsome and distinguished at the same time. Our eyes met across the court room and I could see the pain in them. Whether the pain was for what might happen to me or for Cherry, I wasn't sure. But I hurt because, whichever reason it was, I had caused him pain yet again.

Then I noticed that Polish tramp sitting with him and the way she held onto his hand and refused to let go of it. She looked at me and smirked and then grabbed Josh's chin in her hand and turned his head to face her, breaking our eye contact. She kissed him gently and spoke to him, but while he was looking at her and not at me, the bitch gave me the finger.

Anyway the jury found me guilty. I was guilty of drugging Cherry. I was guilty of overdosing her. I was guilty of contracting a rape. I was guilty of causing wrongful death. I was guilty of Murder in the Second Degree. The DA thought he would have trouble proving Murder One, but was sure he could get Murder Two. I saw him pumping his fist multiple times as the foreman of the jury read the verdict. If the DA had thrown in the Lindberg baby kidnapping and Abel's murder, I was sure I would have been found guilty of those as well.

To make a long story short, with the long list of my crimes, the judge decided that society would be better served without me. I was sentenced to die by lethal injection. I could tell that the judge didn't want to do it. He favored life in prison but outside forces were working against me.

Two days later I found out that the state wasn't set up for lethal injection. I'd either have to be hung or shot. My lawyer started an appeal and I refused it. I also picked the firing squad. It would be quicker. According to the laws of our state, I had to have at least one appeal. So we did the appeal and the verdict was the same. It was painful for me. I had to endure another six months without Josh in my life. One of the guards did read me a story in newspaper about Josh getting married to Elena.

That brings us up to where we started this story. Here I am once again handcuffed with my back against the wall and a blindfold, waiting for Josh. He's supposed to be here and I really want one more chance to look at him. Seeing his face as life leaves my body will be one final gift.

One of the guards removes the blindfold from my face. I look across the room and see Josh standing behind a row of police officers who are all holding rifles. No one in the room smiles except Josh. That does unnerve me just a bit. Josh hates me so badly now that he's happy thinking about my impending death. The warden shouts out a command that I barely hear and all of the officers snap their guns up into firing position. I have to admit that as I stare at them, I'm wishing that I had kept the blindfold.

Supposedly only one of them has an actual live round and even they don't know which one it is. I break out in a sweat as the officers stare at me down the sights of their guns. God damn it, I wish more than anything else that I had never gone into that fucking massage parlor. I'm not going to cry, even though I'm really afraid, but tears do roll down my cheeks. I'm not crying because I'm afraid of dying, I'm crying because I hurt Josh, and this time I hurt him so badly that he doesn't love me anymore. Yet as I look across the room and into his eyes, what I see makes it all better.

Josh still loves me. He's very angry at me, but he still loves me. I can go to my maker knowing that the man I love and always will love still loves me, too. The gunmen take aim and I stand up even straighter. I have to be brave for Josh. I've been told that I won't feel a thing. I turn to face him and let all of the love I have for him, show in my expression.