On Being Proactive

Monday was a much better day. It was a very busy day at work, which made the time go by quickly and I was feeling relief from just knowing that I would have some form of resolution by the end of the next day.

When I got home from work on Monday night, I tried to act happy and I asked Tracy about her day. I also tried to throw her off balance a little.

"Lately, I feel as though we are drifting apart," I said. "Maybe a little romance is all we need. I was thinking that maybe would could go out for a romantic dinner tomorrow evening and then come home and make love. What do you think?"

"Tomorrow night is not good for me," she said. "I am going out for dinner and drinks with some of my girlfriends after work tomorrow. Maybe we can go out for dinner later in the week."

There it was. I was wondering when and how she was going to do it. What a cliché, "Going out with the girls." I suddenly felt like I was a character in a cheating wife story.

"I think our marriage is more important than going out with your friends, don't you?"

"Our marriage? Well, of course but we made these plans last week and it would be difficult for everyone to have to change their plans now."

"Not everyone has to change their plans. Only you need to change your plans," I said.

"Allen, please, can't we just go to dinner another time?" Tracy pleaded.

"Well, at least I tried," I said. "I guess if you are going out then I will work late tomorrow to get a few things caught up at the office. Can you get Sarah to come over and baby sit until you get home?"

"I guess I can call Sarah but I don't know what time I'll get home. We might do something after dinner," she said.

"What are you going to do after dinner, go out and pick up some men?" I asked sarcastically.

Tracy turned her back to me and didn't answer. She wasn't taking the bait. She didn't get defensive and she didn't back down. I was beginning to think our marriage was in bigger trouble than I had realized.

Later that evening we both sat watching television without once speaking to each other. At eleven o'clock Tracy got up to go to bed. When I didn't immediately follow her, she came back into the room.

"Are you coming up?" She asked.

"Not yet. I think I'll watch some of Letterman tonight."

"Can't you come up now? I don't like sleeping without you," she said.

"You might want to get used to it," I said.

"What does that mean?"

"Just that you can't always expect me to be in bed next to you," I said.

"Why did you say that?" She asked. "I don't understand you. Are you trying to tell me something?"

"No. Just giving you something to think about. Good night."

Tracy stood in the doorway for another minute staring at me. She appeared to be upset but she didn't say anything more. Finally she turned and went off to bed.

When I went to bed about an hour later Tracy was either asleep or doing a pretty good imitation of sleeping.

I changed for bed and slipped in next to Tracy and tried to get to sleep. I was laying on my side thinking about what might happen the following evening when Tracy stirred. I lay still and started breathing slow and deep so that if Tracy was awake she would think I was asleep.

"Allen," Tracy whispered and when I didn't respond she said my name again just slightly louder. "Allen."

I didn't move.

"I love you," she whispered and then she rolled away from me.

I wondered what the fuck that was about. She accepted Barry's invitation for "dinner and conversation... Then we'll see what happens." This was a date that could end our marriage and here she is whispering her love for me. I was so pissed at that moment I wanted to shake her and yell, what the fuck are you thinking? Instead, I continued to pretend that I was asleep.

Tuesday morning I was awake at five so I got up and showered and then went downstairs and made a pot of coffee. I was sitting at the kitchen counter drinking my coffee when I heard Tracy getting into the shower. At that moment I knew that I didn't want to see her that morning so I quickly finished my coffee and left the house. I stopped at a diner for breakfast and then went to work.

I tried to keep myself busy all day so I wouldn't keep thinking about what I had to do that night. At two o'clock that afternoon Tracy called me. When I heard her voice, I was praying that she called to tell me she changed her mind and decided to go out to dinner with me.

"Allen, I just wanted to let you know that I got Sarah to baby sit tonight," she said. "I told her that you would probably be the first to get home but I didn't know what time that would be. Sarah said that because it is a school night she would have to be home by ten o'clock. You'll be home by ten, won't you?"

"Yes, I'll be home before ten and you should be too."

When Tracy didn't comment on that I said, "I am busy now, I'll see you later," and then I hung up the phone without giving her a chance to say anything more.

At five o'clock I was starting to clear off my desk when my phone rang. I reached for the phone but didn't pick it up. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone and phone calls at that time of day usually meant problems. The last thing I needed was another problem to deal with. A few minutes later my cell phone began to ring. I didn't even look at my phone as I turned it off. I knew that if I saw who was calling it would be harder to ignore the call.

I stayed in my office until 5:30 that evening and then walked the four blocks from my office over to the Marriott. I surprised myself with how calm I was as I entered the hotel. As I walked through the lobby I heard someone say, "Allen?"

I turned to see who had said it and to see if they were talking to me. It took me a moment to realize that the woman standing behind the hotel registration counter was waving at me. Then I recognized the face. As I walked to the counter I couldn't help but smile.

"Jackie Washington, how are you?" I said as I approached the counter.

Jackie had been a neighbor of ours when Tracy and I were first married and she was a student at the University of Cincinnati.

"I am great Allen but it's Jackie Winters now. How are you? I haven't seen you in what, eight years?"

I smiled and said, "I don't want to think of how long it's been other than to say it has been too long. I had no idea you worked here. I see you are the hotel manager. How long have you been working here?"

"I've been working in this hotel for two years. I started as a management trainee at the Marriott in Lexington five years ago. I was assistant manager there until they promoted me and moved me up here," Jackie said.

"I am impressed. You know I only work four blocks from here. Maybe we can have lunch sometime," I suggested.

"I'd like that but I am not sure my husband would appreciate it."

"Believe me. I can understand that," I said. "Why don't you give me your home number? I will give you a call and we can all go out to dinner sometime. I would like to meet the man who finally won your heart."

As soon as I said that I felt a pain in my chest as I wondered if Tracy and I would still be together the next time I talked to Jackie.

As she wrote her number on a slip of paper and handed it to me Jackie asked, "So how is Tracy?"

"I think she's fine but that remains to be seen," I said.

"What's wrong?"

"We are having a problem that I would rather not talk about it right now. I am here tonight to see if I can fix it."

"I hope it works out for you?"

"I know I shouldn't ask you this but could you check something for me?" I asked.

"What would you like me to check?"

"Can you check to see if a Barry Fox is registered here?"

"What are you going to do to Mr. Fox if he is here?" Jackie asked.

"Nothing, I just need to know if he has checked in yet."

Jackie pushed a few buttons on her computer and looked up at me.

"Mr. Fox checked in about an hour ago," she said.

"Thanks Jackie."

"I hope someday you will tell me what this was all about."

"It depends on how things turn out. If things go the way I hope, I will never talk about this to anyone. If things go badly, I may need someone to talk to," I said.

Someone came over to speak to Jackie so I said that I had to go and that I would call her about getting together for dinner and then I walked off toward the bar. I looked at my watch and it was 5:15 PM. I had an hour and forty-five minutes to kill before Tracy was supposed to meet Barry.

I explored the bar to find a place where I could watch for Tracy to come in without being noticed. I found what I was looking for on the far side of the bar near a doorway leading to the rest rooms. I could sit at the bar there and watch the rest of the room and if Tracy needed to go to the lady's room I would be able to move around the corner of the bar and stay out of sight until the right moment.

With that part of my plan decided I took a walk outside of the hotel to kill some more time and to think about what I was going to say to Tracy later. I knew that I would not be able to memorize a speech and a speech probably would not be appropriate. What I was trying to do was make sure I had all the points I wanted to make clear in my mind. That way I could let the conversation flow more naturally and not get myself tongue tied if something unexpected happened.

By six o'clock I was getting quite nervous and decided I needed a drink to calm my nerves but before I went back into the bar I used my cell phone to call home. Sarah answered the phone on the second ring.

"Hi Sarah. This is Mr. Harris. I just wanted to check and see if everything was okay."

"Everything is fine here," she said.

"Did my wife happen to say when she expected to get home tonight?" I asked.

"No, but she knows that I have to leave by ten o'clock. She looked great when she left. She was wearing a sexy little dress and her hair was nicely done. I hope I look like her when I get older."

That was not what I wanted to hear.

"You will, Sarah. I'll be home by ten."

So, if Tracy was wearing a sexy little dress, as Sarah had said, I guess she has made up her mind that this date is going to be more than just dinner and conversation."

At that point I became an emotional mess. I was depressed and angry. My depression made me want to go somewhere and lie down and I almost decided to just go home and go to bed but my anger would not let me do that. I paced around outside the hotel for a while until I got my emotions under control.

At 6:15 PM I sat down at the bar in the Marriott and ordered a bourbon and water and prepared myself for the wait.

I was about halfway through my first drink when a man stepped up to the bar next to me and ordered a draft beer. I didn't get a look at him until he picked up the beer and walked slowly around the bar. I watched him as he walked over to a table in a dark corner of the room and then he came back to the bar and had a short discussion with the bartender, which ended with him giving the bartender a ten dollar bill.

A few minutes after that conversation the bartender went over to the table and put a reserved sign on it. I didn't think much about that at first but as the man walked back around the bar toward me I recognized him. I had only seen him once but I knew it was Barry. So Barry was setting things up for the seduction of my wife.

What happened next would almost have been comical if I wasn't so upset. Barry came over and sat down next to me and ordered another beer. After he had the first sip of his fresh beer he turned to me.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" he asked.

I wanted to punch him but I didn't. "Yes, it is a beautiful day and it makes me wonder what the hell I am doing in here instead of outside enjoying the day."

I could not believe it. Barry actually started making small talk with me. We talked about the Reds and their chances of winning a pennant. He told me that being from Paducah, Kentucky he was more of a St. Louis Cardinals fan, so we talked about the Cardinals chances for a while.

At 6:45 Barry said, "I have to run up to my room and get cleaned up for my date. I have a hot one meeting me here in fifteen minutes. I usually like to let them wait for a few minutes before I arrive, it tends to make them happier to see me when I do show up. Nice talking to you."

Barry got up and left without ever introducing himself to me.

At seven o'clock on the dot Tracy walked into the bar. It was bad enough that she showed up at all but then she looked so beautiful. Sarah had been right. Tracy was wearing a short black cocktail dress with black stockings that I suspected were thigh highs rather than pantyhose. The top of the dress showed just enough cleavage to be sexy without being slutty. The small lights in the room seemed to give highlights to her long dark hair and seemed to make her face even prettier than usual. Seeing her dressed like that for another man was extremely painful. I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself down.

Tracy looked around the room for a couple of minutes and walked to the other side of the bar and spoke to the bartender. I saw him point and Tracy went over to the reserved table and sat down.

I could tell that Tracy was nervous because over the next five minutes she pulled her compact out of her purse three times to check her face and every time she put it away she looked around the bar as if she was making sure there was no one there that might know her. Every time she looked in my direction I was able duck out of her line of sight.

It was 7:05 when Barry finally walked into the bar and joined Tracy at the table. Before he sat down, Barry leaned down to kiss Tracy. It looked like he wanted to kiss her on the mouth but she turned her head and he kissed her cheek instead.

I watched them as they talked and it was obvious that Tracy was still either very nervous or just uncomfortable. She kept fidgeting with her hands. She put them on the table and then under the table and one on top and one under and then she started the cycle all over again. She was still fidgeting when the waitress brought them their drinks. For my part I was getting more nervous by the minute. My stomach was spinning and my palms were sweaty.

I was trying to decide when I should make my move. I hadn't really made the decision as much as it was made for me. I saw Barry stand up and I thought that they were about to head over to the restaurant so I started to get up thinking that I wanted to get to Tracy before they went into the restaurant but Tracy didn't stand up. Barry left the table walking toward the bar and then came around to my side. I was beginning to wonder if he had recognized me after all or had Tracy spotted me? Was this going to be the confrontation between Barry and me?

When Barry got around to my side of the bar he looked at me and gave me a friendly nod of his head and headed out the doorway behind me. I turned to see where he was going and saw him go into the men's room.

I immediately got up and made my way around the bar and headed over to where Tracy was sitting. She was looking at herself in her compact mirror again and didn't see me coming.

"Hi Tracy."

Tracy almost jumped out of her seat as she looked up and saw me standing there.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"I just thought I would stop by and say hello to you and your girlfriends. I just figured that since you considered having dinner and drinks with them more important than going to dinner with me tonight that I wanted to meet these friends of yours," I said.

Tracy's face had gone completely white. I saw her eyes move toward the bar looking to see if Barry was on his way back from the rest room yet. Tracy was beginning to look quite sick.

"Why didn't you call...? " Tracy started to say but I cut her off.

"Call you and tell you I was going to stop by? Why would I have to do that?"

"Please leave before my friends come," she said. "Your being here is embarrassing me."

I could hear the panic in her voice as she spoke.

"What's the hurry? Can't I sit here and have a drink with you?" I asked.

I could see that she was trying to think of something to say that would make me leave before Barry returned. Suddenly Tracy's eyes widened and I knew that Barry must be on his way back to the table.

"Hey man, she's with me." Barry's voice came from behind me. "Is he bothering you, Tracy?"

When I turned to face him he gave me a smile, "Oh, it's you. Sorry but she is already taken. I told you I had a hot date tonight."

"That you did, Barry."

"How did you know my name?" He asked.

"Let me introduce myself," I said. "I am Allen Harris as in the Mr. Harris to her Mrs. Harris."

Barry stepped back a couple of steps.

"I am sorry, man. I didn't know," he said.

"Didn't know what? That she was married or that I was the wimp that was supposed to be at home talking care of our children while you were seducing my wife," I said.

I looked at Tracy but she looked almost catatonic so I looked back at Barry.

"Why don't we sit down and have a little conversation," I said in a voice so calm I even surprised myself.

"Listen, I don't want any trouble. I'll just leave and let you two work this out," he said.

"Barry, stop worrying so much. There isn't going to be any trouble tonight so just sit down."

Barry sat down and I grabbed a chair from an adjacent table, pulled it over and sat down.

Tracy finally tried to speak.

"Allen, this isn't what you think," she said.

I held one finger up to my lips to quiet her.

"Tracy, I don't know what to think this is," I said. "I only know that it is not proper for a married woman to be on a date with a former lover."

Tracy tried to speak again but I held my finger up again.

"I know what you want to say, that this was just going to be dinner between two old friends. I just can't accept that explanation. If that were true, I would have been invited to have dinner with the two of you and you would not have lied and told me you were going out with your girlfriends and if this was truly just dinner and conversation, you certainly would not have dressed like this. I have to say that you do look beautiful which is very upsetting for me to think that you would dress this way for another man.

Barry tried to speak in Tracy's defense. "That is all it was. I was just in town for the night and I didn't want to dine alone. There was nothing else to this," he said.

I laughed at him. "There is no way you drove all the way from Paducah to Cincinnati and paid two hundred dollars for a hotel room just to have dinner with my wife," I said.

"I had to be here on business anyway so I gave Tracy a call..."

"I cut him off before he could finish that lie. "Barry, we both know that isn't true. Assistant warehouse managers don't take business trips now do they?"

Barry sat back in his seat and didn't reply. Tracy hadn't looked at Barry since he arrived at the table. She was either looking at me or at her hands.

In a very low and calm voice, I began to say what I had come there to say to Tracy.

"Tracy, when I first became aware of this date of yours I was sure you would never go through with it. I was sure that you loved me and would never hurt me that way but over the last two weeks I began to doubt your feelings for me. You barely speak to me anymore and when you do you can't seem to look me in the eye. I didn't know if it was because you couldn't stand to look at me anymore or if you were worried that I would know from the look on your face that you no longer care about me."

Tracy grabbed my arm and started to open her mouth to speak but I stopped her again.

"Let me finish what I came here to say. What I couldn't understand was how you could all but ignore me during the day but as soon as the lights went out you were ready to make love to me. Then I wondered if you really wanted to make love to me or was I just supposed to provide the physical part of some sexual fantasy you were playing out in your head. Were you thinking of this piss ant?"