Faunus Fantasies Ch. 03

"Well, technically, 'average' eye color would be brown," I said, just to get under Eddie's skin.

He snorted.

"Real funny, smart guy," he said. "Maybe I should set you both to five foot five with brown eyes, hair, and skin. 135 pounds. Global average. How'd you like that?"

"I'd be cool with it," Claire said. "It would be an interesting experience."

"Suits me," I said with a shrug.

Eddie pointed a finger at me.

"You two are a couple of smart asses."

"Eddie, you are right about this situation," Claire said, returning to the subject. "This is a real departure from our normal clientele. Seems risky. Spook a pair like this and we could end up in the public spotlight. Not what we want."

"Yeah, I know, but after I turned 'em down, they offered double our normal rate."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Claire said.

Eddie laughed.

"You see my problem," he said. "I didn't want to take them on, but wave that much money in my face and I gotta think about it, you know? I haven't committed either way, just said I'd take it under consideration and set up a meeting with some of our operatives. I want you to size 'em up. If either of you has the least hesitation, I'll call it off."

"Wow," Claire said. "I like a challenge but this is so odd."

"Go over their folders and I'll set up a get-together if you want. Oh, and you won't find any full-length pictures to get an idea of their bodies' general shape. They refused. Just a couple of head shots they let me take with my phone so you could recognize 'em when you meet."

"Damn, this gets weirder and weirder," I said.

"Tell me about it."

"Okay, sure," Claire said, flipping open Stephanie's folder. "Let's see what's up with these people."

* * *

Meet the Clients

"This thing isn't exactly a powerhouse, is it?" Claire asked as I parked at a Panera near Faunus headquarters.

I shrugged.

"I like it. It's fun," I said.

"Double the horsepower and you'd have something," she said.

"The way it takes curves is amazing. You know what they say: It's more fun to drive a slow car fast than a fast car slow."

"Maybe you'll let me borrow it sometime," she said.

"The fuck I will," I said with a smile. No way was I letting her get her hands -- or her right foot -- on my baby.

She laughed.

"It's time," she said. "Let's go meet these people."

Josh and Stephanie were seated near the back. They'd had time to order, eat, and push their plates aside, which meant they'd arrived pretty early. Eager.

"Josh? Stephanie? I'm Claire and this is Mike. We're from Faunus."

They stood to shake hands. We joined them in their booth.

Stephanie was a little over five feet tall. She had dazzling blue eyes, blonde hair done up in a messy bun, large breasts, and nice, round hips. She wore a loose, dark green maxi dress that covered her to her ankles and revealed very little of her body.

Josh wore a gray suit that had to cost three thousand dollars, a blue pinstripe shirt with French cuffs, and a yellow tie with tiny polka dots. His red hair was cut short on the sides and long on top. He had a little soul patch under his bottom lip. He was maybe five foot nine. He wasn't a huge guy but he had a lean build. Muscular. He spent enough time at the gym but not too much.

They both looked nervous.

"You want anything, Claire?" I said. "I'm starving."

"I've never found anything here I care to eat," Claire said with a look of disgust.

"They've got a green goddess salad with chicken," I said. "That's not too bad."

Claire frowned.

"As I said, I've never found anything here I care to eat. I will have hot tea, though, if you would be so kind."

"Suit yourself," I said with a shrug. "Josh, Stephanie, get you anything?"

They shook their heads.

When I returned with my tortellini and Claire's tea, Josh spoke.

"Just so you know, this thing is my wife's idea," he said.

"And we're here to get to know you a little and figure out whether it makes sense to take you on as clients," Claire said. "What 'thing' are you referring to? If you're not one hundred percent committed to this, we can't help you."

Josh looked around the restaurant. Everyone near us was focused on their laptops and were wearing headphones or had earbuds stuck in their ears. No chance anyone would overhear us. He relaxed a little and sighed heavily.

"We're having intimacy issues," he said.

"What kind of issues?" I asked.

"I don't enjoy sex with my husband the way I think I could," Stephanie said. "He reaches completion every time but I always feel like I've still got an itch that hasn't been scratched, if that makes any sense. After he falls asleep, I almost always touch myself to finish."

Josh blushed.

"Gosh, Steph, you didn't have to put it like that," he said.

"They're here to try to help us get through this, honey." She said. "They asked, so I gave them an honest answer."

"And how do you think we can help?" Claire asked.

"A few of my girl friends have used Faunus," Stephanie said, "and they said you were really good."

"Did they say what it was they liked so much?"

"Not specifically," Stephanie said, twisting a paper napkin, "but these are people I trust, so I thought it was worth looking into."

"Have you tried searching the Web for help?" I asked.

"The Internet is the Devil's playground," Josh said. "I don't believe anything I see there. Especially when it comes to -- well, you know."

Stephanie cut her eyes at Josh.

"Fair enough," I said, biting my tongue. "How about a sex therapist? They can be incredibly helpful."

Claire added, "I know one personally who's highly respected in her field. I could recommend you to her."

"We don't want this showing up on our insurance or our medical records," Stephanie said. "Plus, I checked and our plan won't cover sex therapy."

"Therefore Faunus," I said. "Your last, best hope?"

"Yeah," Josh said, eyes downcast.

"We also thought it would be good to have a man and a woman to help us," Stephanie said. "That way, Josh could discuss guy things with Mike and I could talk about girl stuff with you, Claire."

"Forgive me for asking obvious questions," I said, "but you have talked about this between yourselves, right? And maybe talked to your pastor?"

"We've talked til we're blue in the face and gotten nowhere," Stephanie said. "And Brother Jeff means well but he's kinda clueless. I hate to say it, but it's true."

"Yeah, he wasn't any help, unfortunately," Josh said. "We're stuck. We need help getting past this."

"Obviously, we've looked over your paperwork but we wanted to make sure we understand something," Claire said. "Is it really true that neither of you had any other sex partners before you got married?"

"Yes, we both preserved our virginity for our wedding night," Josh said.

"Well, there's your problem," Claire said, taking a sip of her tea. "When I think of preserving something, I think of pickles, kimchi, or mummies. Not sex."

"It is not a problem," Stephanie said with clenched teeth.

"You weren't one of those weird purity vow chicks, were you?" asked Claire.

"I was," Stephanie said, fire in her eyes. "And proud of it, too."

"Okay, so two problems."

"I'm telling you they're not problems!" Stephanie said, her face red.

Nearby customers turned to stare. Claire placed her elbows on the table, her chin on her interlinked fingers. She looked Stephanie in the eye.

"So. If there's no problem why are we here?"

Stephanie sighed, looking down at the table.

"Okay, good point."

Claire stood.

"Hey, Stephanie? There's an empty table over there. Why don't we have a little chat, just you and me, and the two boys can discuss things while we're talking."

"Sure," Stephanie said in a mumble, sliding out of the booth.

* * *

"Well," Josh said after a long pause. "What else do you want to know?"

I hesitated. Part of me disliked Josh and everything he represented. Another part had sympathy for him. I realized some of my ill will was rooted in how much he reminded me of myself before I lost my cushy bank manager job. Maybe I understood him better than I was willing to admit.

"Tell me something, Josh. How important is Stephanie's sexual pleasure to you?"

He turned beet red.

"I'd like her to enjoy it," he said. "But for it to feel too good would be sinful."

"Seriously? Josh, have you ever read Song of Solomon? That thing's all about pleasure -- for both people. Not just the man. And if I'm not mistaken, sexual pleasure is baked in the first chapters of Genesis, for the man and the woman both."

"Maybe I have some re-reading to do."

"Maybe. The thing I don't think you get is that women's sexual appetites can be more powerful than ours. They're not as obvious as we are most of the time, but they want it at least as bad as we do. I'm guessing you married Stephanie because you love her, you desire her, and you want to make her happy. Am I wrong? Because if I'm wrong, there's nothing we can do to help you."

Josh watched his hands on the table. They trembled slightly.

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I do want to make her happy."

"Okay, well, you're falling down on the job, chief. She's told you that. You two have discussed it with your minister. Hell, she just told us, a couple of strangers. What more do you need?"

He looked up at me, eyes wide.

"That thing you said about women wanting sex so much? Is that really true?"

"I promise you it's true. They want it so much sometimes it's a little intimidating. Even a little scary."

"But I always heard --"

"Forget all that," I said, waving the implied question away. "How far are you willing to go to please your wife in bed? Because I'm here to tell you that if you're not totally focused on that goal, you're gonna lose her. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month. But eventually. I've seen it happen more times than I like to think about. And the worst part is, you could lose her without her ever physically leaving you or even cheating on you. You two could just end up living like polite roommates, not husband and wife."

"Damn," he said.

Maybe I got through to him with that, I thought.

"Yeah," I said. "Not what anybody wants."

"What do I have to do?" he asked.

"A lot of it is up to Stephanie and what she's telling Claire," I said. "I'll compare notes with her after we're done here and we'll get back with you in a couple of days. In he meantime, think about this: What does Stephanie like in bed? You don't have to tell me, but think about it. Act on it."

"It's no secret," Josh said. "She likes having sex, just like everybody else does."

"Favorite position?" I asked.

"Well," he said, flustered. "Sex. You know. I get on top of her and we make love."

"So, the missionary position is all you've tried?"

"The what?" he said.

I sighed.

"Josh, you've got unlimited access to the best theme park in the world but the only ride you ever try is the carousel -- and you don't even ride the ponies. You sit on the little couch they reserve for scared children."

"Man, that's harsh."

"I got no dog in this hunt," I said. "Do what you want. I'm just telling you you're missing out on a ton of fun with a more than willing partner who just happens to be your very own wife, for heaven's sake. Find out what she wants. Hell, find out what you want, while you're at it."

Josh thought for a while, pretending to study the dessert menu. He brightened.

"We could try it with the lights on," he said.

I counted to ten before responding.

"That would be a start," I said, nodding encouragement.

* * *

Assignment

"How'd it go with Ms. Jones?" I asked, once we were on our way back to Faunus to discuss the situation and bring Eddie up to speed.

"Stephanie's incredibly frustrated," she said. "Josh is just not picking up what she's putting down. I went into this thinking we'd discover Josh was this selfish, abusive dirtbag but now I just think he's clueless, inexperienced, maybe a little scared of his own sexuality, and probably terrified of hers."

"Same," I said. "I was prepared to hate the guy, just seeing his expensive suit -- which I will admit is really petty on my part. But after talking to him, I think you and I are on the same page. Can we do them any good or should we just steer clear? I mean, why go looking for more trouble and frustration than we already have?"

"The turn for Faunus was back there," she said, looking over her shoulder.

I grinned.

"Little different route I want to show you," I said. "It'll be fun."

"We'll see," she said, a dubious tone in her voice.

I pulled onto a side road. Soon we were on a little-trafficked country lane lined with white fences surrounding equestrian facilities. As we approached the top of the first big hill, the tachometer was near redline, the engine roaring. Glancing at Claire, I saw her grin and cinch her seatbelt tighter.

We approached one of my favorite curves. Just before entering, I braked, blipped the throttle, downshifted, and accelerated through to the next straightaway.

"Nice heel-and-toe, there, buddy" Claire said. "I see what you mean about this being a fun car."

"Told you."

* * *

Eddie leaned back in his chair, sandaled feet on his desk, and puffed his cigar.

"So you two really think this is worth a shot?" he asked after we briefed him on our meeting with Josh and Stephanie.

"After meeting them and talking to them, yes," Claire said.

"Still on board, Mike?"

I sighed.

"You know, I keep thinking we can't make their sex life any worse than it already is," I said. "You said the money's good. Even if it all flies apart, I think they'd be too mortified to make a public stink. The company is not at risk. So yeah, I'm in."

"How much time you think you'll need?"

"We talked about that on the drive back," Claire said. "Minimum of five days. Maybe a week."

"Long time to book the company house," Eddie said, scratching his jaw. "I own a few decent rental places. Regular houses, so they're not set up for what we do, okay? I mean like no soundproofing, for example, and these two won't need a dungeon anyway. I got a few that are vacant right now. How about one of those?"

"We'd want to see them first," Claire said. "Do they have cameras in place?"

"Not yet, but whichever one you pick, my guys can get 'em set up in a couple days, tops," Eddie said. "Not really an issue. It'll take another day or two to get the cleaning crew out there and then get it stocked with food and whatnot."

"Sure, that works," I said.

Eddie sat up and scrawled on a notepad. He tore off the sheet and handed it to Claire.

"These are the places I'm thinking might work," he said. "It'll be a step down from the main place, but they're in good shape. Plenty of room for four. Check 'em out and let me know what you think, okay?"

"We'll have a look and let you know," Claire said.

"Hey, and listen," Eddie said. "As much as they're paying us, you pull this off and you're looking at bonuses, okay?"

"Damn, Eddie, thanks," I said. "Are you feeling okay?"

He pointed a finger at me, a crooked smile on his face.

"Not. A word. To anybody. Got it?"

"Our lips are sealed," Claire said.

I nodded.

"Good. Now get out of here. I got shit to do."

* * *

Saturday

We picked up Stephanie and Josh at their home early the next Saturday. Stephanie wore a pink t-shirt at least two sizes too large, baggy beige shorts, white tube socks, and white canvas sneakers. Josh had on a loose blue polo shirt, cargo shorts, and brown leather boat shoes, no socks.

I arranged their luggage in one of the company's Camrys, then asked them if they had their phones with them.

"Yeah, right here," Josh said. "Why?"

"Yeah, why?", Steph asked.

"It's in your contract. No cell phones, no tablets, no laptops, no electronics. You need to focus on each other, not your email or your favorite podcast while you're with us."

"But what if there's a family emergency or something?"

"You left word with your friends and family to contact our answering service, right? If there's an emergency, Claire and I will be alerted, and we'll let you know."

"He's right," Claire said. "We've done it before. If you have to bail, you'll get a prorated refund for your unused time."

"Okay," he said with a hangdog look. "Give us a minute."

While Josh and Steph returned their devices to the house, Claire elbowed me.

"I notice you didn't tell them that we want to keep our location secret. No GPS tracking means no one knows where we are except our clients. If Steph's mom tries to use Find My Phone, it'll be right here in their own house."

"Gee, you're right," I said. "I didn't mention that, did I?"

Once they returned, we set off.

It was around noon when we arrived at the property Claire and I agreed was the best choice, a well-kept red brick ranch house with a carport and a screened-in porch out back. It had a big yard lined with a thick stand of trees, so great privacy. Lots of nooks and crannies to stash toys, lube, restraints, and so forth throughout the place. I showed Josh and Stephanie to the master bedroom, where they left their luggage. After a quick tour of the house and yard, I made us a quick salad from the well-stocked kitchen.

"Beverages, anyone?" I asked as I set down everyone's plates. "Beer? Wine? Soft drinks?"

Stephanie asked for White Zinfandel -- which got a scowl from Josh -- Claire got a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, and Josh asked for iced tea. After handing everyone else their drinks, I grabbed an IPA and cracked it open.

"Mm," Stephanie said after her first bite. "This is great. Thanks, Mike."

"My pleasure, Stephanie," I said. "Glad you like it."

"Call me Steph," she said, taking my hand across the table. "Everyone else does."

"Mike's pretty good in the kitchen," Claire said with a smile, aglow in a yellow sundress. "More than a few times he's saved my life by whipping up an omelet or broiling a pork loin."

"Did you two have a chance to look at the book and video we sent you?" I asked.

"Filth," Josh said with a look of disgust. "I can't believe people really do that stuff."

Steph rubbed the back of Josh's neck, calming him a little.

"I thought it was fascinating," she said, eyes gleaming. "Nothing like the sex ed course I had in high school, that's for sure."

"Was there anything at all in the book that you found interesting, Josh?" Claire asked.

Josh turned bright red. He opened and closed his mouth, but no sound emerged.

"Remember why we're here, hon," Steph said. "We talked about it last night and there were a couple of things he said he'd like to try. Isn't that right?"

Looking down at his salad, Josh mumbled, "Yeah, a couple might be fun."

"Excellent," Claire said. "Care to tell?"

Josh scratched his head, turning to look out the window at the backyard.

"I dunno. Maybe Steph on top?"

Steph squeezed his shoulder, smiling.

"Sounds good to me," she said. "Can't wait!"

"How about a toast?" Claire said.

"Wait, I need a refill first," Steph said. "Mike?"

"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery," Josh said, staring at Steph.

She glared right back at him.

"Joshua Miller, I am far from drunk. Quoting Ephesians at me over a second glass of wine leads to blue balls," she said as I refilled her glass.

Turning back to Claire, she said, "A toast?"

"To great sex," Claire said, a smile twitching on her lips.

"To great sex," we all repeated, clinking together their glasses and my bottle. Even Josh joined in, just above a whisper.

* * *

The four of us spent the afternoon in various neutral pursuits, trying to get our clients to relax a little. Claire and Steph lounged in the enclosed porch around back, chatting in bent wood chaise lounges. Josh and I played pool in the rec room, then watched a Bama game on the den's enormous TV. I couldn't care less about the game but Steph and Josh were both originally from Alabama, so I figured it would be a non-controversial choice. That guy had so many hot buttons. I never knew what would set him off. Better to let him enjoy something relatively harmless than trigger him again. Bama won, by the way, which didn't hurt his mood.