The Light At The End

When I finished telling my tale amid the stream of tears, I felt like a great burden has been lifted.

When I finished, Martha, looked at Percy, who was still holding my hand, and asked him, "Do you want to share your experience with us, Percy? People usually focus on the mother, but you are the father, you have lost a baby too."

Percy smiled at her and I could see his eyes started to get wet and shiny.

"Many fathers are unsure how to deal with the loss of their baby. You may feel that you need to be strong for your partner or that you should not feel as upset as you are. If you feel like you can also share with us how you feel, don't neglect your own grief," Martha explained to him.

Oh my God! Martha's words hit me like a hammer. That's exactly what I had been doing! I was so focused on my own grief that I didn't realize Percy had lost a baby too!

I hugged him hard, hiding my face in his chest and saying, "I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I never thought about it."

Percy hugged me back and I could feel his tears wetting my neck. When I finally let him go, he wiped his tears with the back of his hand, cleared his throat, and said, "Thank you. I needed that."

I squeezed his hand.

He cleared his throat and said, "This whole experience was surreal to me. As you heard our story, having a baby was... well, unplanned. I mean, you usually date someone, fall in love with her, propose, get married, and after a while you start talking about having a baby."

Several women nodded at his words.

"We were just getting to know each other when our baby decided to come. It was a surprise, to say the least," Percy let out a short laugh. "I thought I was content with being single but I clearly wasn't. Laura changed everything."

There was a general "awwwwwwww".

He smiled at me and I smiled back at him through my tears.

"Then Laura told me she was pregnant and I found I wanted this, a wife, a family..."

I shuddered. "What are you saying, Percy?"

"Laura." He took my hands in his own. "I thought I was happy on my own until you came and prove me wrong... and now I've found what I never knew I always wanted. That's you...." he looked down and swallowed hard,"...a baby, a family."

"After all I did, you still feel that way about me?" I asked him.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Laura. This situation took both of us by surprise. We did the best we could considering the situation. I'm trying my best here."

There wasn't a dry eye in the group.

I looked at Percy with new eyes. So much has happened since we met. So many downs, some ups in between. Through it all, he had always been there for me when I needed him. Even now, he had left his work, his town, to be with me. Since he came to me he had been my rock, my comfort. Suddenly I felt so selfish, taking so much from him, giving back so little.

I looked him in the eyes. "I am certain. About you. About us. But this time, I want to do things right. No baby till we get married." I smiled at him and he smiled back at me.

"You got yourself a deal, Laura," he said shaking my hand.

When we left the group, I had no doubt about what I wanted. I wanted Percy back. I was determined to make it happen.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" I asked him.

"Us," he said. I didn't delve any deeper, but I couldn't help but smile.

"How was the group meeting?" Molly asked us as soon as we entered the inn.

"It was really good. It helped us a lot," I said looking at Percy. He smiled back at me and nodded. I noticed I had started to use the word 'us' since the meeting.

"You had a great idea, Percy. It was really helpful, thank you." I gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

"Would you like to go out with me tomorrow?" he blurted out.

"Going out... like on a date?"

"Yes, exactly like a date. You know what I mean." he elbowed me.

"I'd love that, Percy," I said bumping my hip with his.

Molly winked at us with a mile-wide smile on her face.

CHAPTER 14: PERCY

The next morning, I was ready early. I had asked Tony to prepare a picnic basket for us and he was happy to oblige. When Laura came down, I was nervous as a teenager.

There was something about Laura that hit me deep in my core. I'd seen other women hold all the attention in a room before with their fake personalities, fancy dresses, and voluptuous bodies. Laura didn't need anything of that. She was the real thing. She was genuine. She could woo me wearing T-shirts and jeans, just with a smile instead of make-up.

"Should we invite Molly?" I asked Laura.

"On our date?"

Idiot. I gave myself a mental slap upside the head.

Laura, of course, didn't let it go so easily.

"Aunt Molly, do you want to crash our romantic date?" she called.

Molly emerged from the kitchen. "Nothing I would love more than being an awkward third wheel," she said. "But someone has to be in charge while you are out."

We went out of the inn to find two white horses neighing as if they were calling us.

Laura looked at me surprised and I smiled at her.

"Surprise."

"How did you get these horses?"

"Oh, I met them yesterday, I asked them if they wanted to ride with the most beautiful girl in Middletown and they said yes."

Thing was, I had made a call to Red Harding, the guy I was helping with the restaurant renovations, and he was happy to help me. His father owned a farm and he had some horses to lend.

"You outdid yourself, Percy." She grinned and swung herself up onto the saddle as easily as if she were mounting a bike.

I, on the other hand, clumsily heaved myself onto my horse with enough grunting and sweating that I was afraid Laura'd take one look and call the whole thing off.

We headed west to the lake.

Our reflections gleamed on the crystalline waters of the lake. The horses whinnied and the birds chirped while we ate our sandwiches. "This is the sound of happiness," I thought.

"You still haven't told me how you found this place," Laura said. "It's perfect."

I didn't want to admit that Red Harding had saved me again, so I gave her a vague answer, "Just stumbled on it. Good luck, I guess."

The hanging branches of the old trees and rainbow of wildflowers made it the perfect spot for a romantic picnic. I had to admit the guy had good taste in romantic date spots. Not far from us there was a weeping willow. Its branches hung down over the water, forming an aesthetically arranged curtain of willow twigs.

Laura gazed out at the impossibly smooth water of the lake. "Thank you for bringing me here, Percy." She leaned forward and put her arms around me, and hugged me tight. I pulled her closer to my body and kissed the top of her head. I liked that she wasn't afraid to touch me.

"I like that I can be myself when I'm around you," she said.

"I feel the same way about you, Laura. I've been thinking about you since you left."

"Thank you for coming here. It means a lot. You make me feel... special."

"You are." I took her hands in mines. "Laura, you don't have to go through this alone. I want to take care of you. I want us to be a couple again. Like we were. Well, not like we were because I guess we're both different now, but I do want to be romantically exclusive again. Not that I've been with anyone else," I quickly added.

She smiled at me, fighting back the tears, "This is so crazy, you know that? We have made everything upside down. First, we have a baby, then you ask me to marry you and now you want to date me."

"Let's go back to where we started. Let's get to know each other better, see if we are compatible. You already know I care deeply for you and my feelings for you grow every day," I said, earning a smile from her.

"I want this too. It feels right, Percy. I care a lot for you too."

We talked a lot about everything and nothing at the same time. It was a bonding experience.

"There's something I want to share with you," Laura said after we kissed.

"I'm listening."

"When I discovered I was pregnant, I started searching the net about pregnancy and all that and discovered that the baby was the size of a poppy seed. So I decided to call her 'Poppy'. Of course, the baby didn't have a sex yet, but I like to think about our baby as a she."

I felt my heart melting. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly. "That's very sweet of you, Laura. Thanks for sharing it with me."

Laura, cried on my shoulder while I ran my fingers through her hair.

"I have an idea," I said. "I'm sure you noticed your aunt's inn is called 'Whitefairy poppy'."

Laura nodded. "It was such a moving coincidence."

"Maybe it was destiny. A sign we are in the right place for us. Anyway, I had this idea: why don't we plant white poppies all in front of the building? In that way, each time we see the bed of flowers", we'll think of our baby," I suggested.

"Oh, Percy! What a wonderful idea!" she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me hard.

We walked hand in hand by the lake. We talked and talked and talked. And when the setting sun cast colors upon the scattered clouds, painting the sky with pink, orange and purple, we rode our horses back to the inn.

CHAPTER 15: LAURA

This second chance with Percy was much different than the first time. We dated like he was trying to show my heart that he was here for me and he wasn't going anywhere.

Our date at the lake ended with us together in bed. We kissed, and one kiss wasn't enough. Kissing turned into a heavy petting session, and that, of course, led to sex. I let him initiate it. Physical intimacy was the last thing on my mind after losing my baby. I was afraid penetration might hurt in more ways than one. Would it evoke flashbacks of what I had gone through?

The first time felt strange. Maybe because Percy wore a condom. But most likely, because it felt like something I simply had to live through to move on. For the first time in my life, orgasming was off the table.

It had never been a problem for me before. I used to enjoy playful, uninhibited, sex. My miscarriage had taken that from me.

Of course, Percy noticed it.

"What's wrong?" he asked me.

I shrugged, "Nothing. I'm probably tired from our date."

"Don't do that, Laura."

"Do what?"

Percy held me closer, kissed the tip of my nose, giving me no choice but to look at him.

"Don't hide from me. We're together in this. Talk to me."

So I told him, I told him how I felt. I told him I was afraid of getting pregnant again. I told him I felt my body had failed me.

"Everything will be okay, Laura. We will get through this. Things will be different next time. I'm not leaving you, Laura. I'm taking this seriously."

"Thank you," I kissed his lips softly, lovingly. It meant the world to me having him here with me.

"Just so you know, I'll be sleeping in your bed from now on."

"This is not exactly a queen-size bed," I said.

"Good. That means you won't be able to get away from me in the middle of the night. I like holding you in my arms." He said. That made me smile.

"I do like it when you hold me," I admitted.

"Come here," Percy opened his arms.

We cuddled, and he held me in his strong arms. I rested my head on his chest and I felt safe, secured in his love for me. His breath was warm and calming. I just wanted to stay like this forever.

I felt his lips press against my forehead just as I was drifting off.

When I woke up the next morning, Percy wasn't next to me. Suddenly, the bed felt empty. I missed the warmth of his body next to mine. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I went out, a divine smell guided me down to the kitchen. There he was wearing one of Auntie's aprons, talking with her, cooking while humming a song.

I smiled leaning on the door frame looking at him. I wolf-whistled at him.

"You look sexy in that apron."

Percy looked at me, smiling. "Good morning, Sunshine. I wanted to wear just the apron, THAT would have been sexy."

"Of course, I objected," Aunt Molly added. "I have a reputation to keep."

"We need to find you a good man, Molly," Percy told her.

Honestly, at first, I didn't expect Percy to stay. I thought the excuses would start tumbling out of his mouth after a while. But he didn't. He seemed to be settling here in Middletown.

After two weeks of sharing a bed. I relaxed around him. I got used to his touches and his caresses. I got used to his warm body next to mine and his morning wood poking in my ass.

I could tell when he was tired and when his eyes danced with joy because he had good news to share. I knew when he was hungry and even when he wanted to be left alone.

More and more, I wanted to hold him in my arms and never let him go. I wanted to build a life, a home, and a family with him and trust that everything was going to be okay.

But there was another part of me that wondered if Middletown would be not enough to keep him interested. What if I was not enough to keep him interested? I knew I'd changed. I was not the playful free-spirited girl I used to be anymore. I was moody, I still cried a lot. I also realized I needed to stop thinking so negatively.

I kept going to the church group. Percy came with me most of the time, depending on his work schedule. He was getting really busy since he met with the Mayor.

Listening to the group's stories, some of them much heavier and sadder than mine, I started to feel my grief was unjustified because I never met my baby. I didn't even have a baby bump.

Of course, they thought differently than me about this.

"This is not a competition, Laura. It doesn't matter how far along you were, nothing should stop you from grieving for the baby you and Percy made. No matter how many people say, 'it wasn't really a baby yet'. You felt in your heart that it was a baby the moment you conceived and no one can take that away."

Martha looked at me and asked me, "Before you lost your baby, was there joy? Were

you happy?"

"Yes," I said. "I was happy."

"Were there specific moments? Can you picture them? Can you not think, instead of always focusing on those sad days where you lost your baby, about the times that were joyful? When you first discovered you were pregnant, maybe? Or if you felt the baby move? Or even the morning sickness?"

"I can," I say. "I always thought it was better not to, though. Just put it out of my mind."

"When a close friend or family member dies, specifically if it's in a tragic accident or unexpected in some way, it's good to not think about death but to think about life. It's not that we can't mourn the hard things, but to honor someone's memory, to let it live on, we need to move past it. We should celebrate the life."

"My baby never had one."

"No," she said slowly. "But she touched yours."

CHAPTER 16: PERCY

The renovations of the town square progressed just fine. Red Harding introduced me to a welder, a man called Paul that was dating one of his waitresses, and together we managed to make the courthouse clockwork work again. After that, I offered him to keep working with me. We also repaired the plumbing and cleaned the old fountain. Then, we restored Pioneer Square's Historic sidewalks.

The Mayor was so pleased with our work, that he immediately assigned me a new project to renovate Middletown's primary school. I also started getting small jobs from the locals too. People commented about what wonderful work I had done with Molly's inn and the square. Without even realizing it, I was busier than expected and I had to assemble a local working crew with 'Paul the welder', as my new foreman.

The crazy, violent, and distracting big city life didn't appeal to me anymore. In the city, every time I put my feet on the ground I remained oblivious of the connection I had with the earth beneath my shoes. The concrete and the thick layer of tar obstructed my senses from going deep down.

In Middletown, I experienced myself as a part of nature again. The wild natural setting engaged all my primal senses. The air smelled like pines, lavender, and freshness. I listened to the movement of the trees and grass around me and smelled and felt the energy of the mountains.

When I walked in the city, I walked with heavy, rushed, and unmotivated steps, with a strong desire to reach the destination as soon as possible. In the city, it was considered rude to acknowledge another person's presence as you were going about your business. In Middletown, it was rude if you didn't.

Laura and I continued sharing a bed, but we were also sharing our lives. She used to fall asleep in my arms. I'd been awake for the last hour watching her sleep and thinking.

She was an early bird like me. I loved to lie on my stomach, watching her getting dressed. When she finished, she sat at my side and said, "I know you are awake, Percy. You're not snoring. I want to talk with you before you go to work and I get busy with the inn."

I got up, sat on the edge of the bed, held her hand, and looked at her.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours, Laura?" I said, kissing her cheek.

"Many thoughts are running through my head right now."

I leaned forward and kissed her nose. "It's my job to make you happy and if I'm not doing my job then I need to know what's wrong so I can help you. Now tell me, Laura, what's with the frown?"

"It's difficult to put it all into words, but I'll try." She looked at me and said with a voice full of concern, "Do you truly want to stay here with me, or are you planning to go back to the city at some point?"

I looked at Laura pondering my words before answering.

"When I came here, I didn't have a plan, except helping you to get out of depression."

"I'm not completely out of the woods, but I think I'm seeing the light."

"I know, I'm truly happy for you." I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a tight squeeze. That said, the thing is I like it here. I'm working almost as much as I'd have worked in the city. The people here are nice and friendly. Middletown is a great place to grow a family."

"What are you saying?"

I looked at her into her eyes, "I'm saying that I am in this for the long haul."

"Then it wasn't just pity or guilt? Because if so, I feel much better now. You can go back to your life."

"I'm here because I want to be with you. Thing is, I'm not sure I want to go back to my previous life. I won't lie to you, our relationship had a very rough start. The loss of a child is one of the hardest things life can throw at a couple. It has been an emotional roller-coaster. I get it, this isn't how it was supposed to be. One thing I learned is that life is messy, and sometimes things just fall apart. When that happens, you pick up the pieces and you keep going. I can understand the concept of running away and wanting to be alone with your pain. However, I'm glad we saw past that, and stubbornly held on to what was left of us."

Laura hid her face in my chest, "I'm sorry I left the way I did. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just couldn't stand being near my parents anymore."

"I was shocked at first when you didn't contact me, hurt too. The only thing in my mind since I knew we were having a baby was I wouldn't be like my parents. I wouldn't bail on my kid. Then, when Molly called me, the only thing on my mind was coming here to be with you."

"Do we have a future? I've been so afraid. I fear the bubble we have been living in is going to burst at any moment, and everything will come crashing down around us."

"Many couples break up after losing a child. Our relationship was strong enough to hang on. Over the past months, we started healing, and we are falling in love with each other again. I stopped hiding my fears of starting a family and falling in love with someone. For the first time in my life, I can see a future with someone else," I lifted her chin to look into her eyes. "I can see a future with you."