The Unfuck Machine

William's eyes widened and asked Penance, "You have a father?"

Penance snapped out of her trance and replied, "Of course, you idiot. What kind of question is that? Nuns aren't born through immaculate conception! He left before I was born. My mom lived in poverty and couldn't take care of me.

"She decided it would be better if the church raised me. So, when I was about three days old, she dropped me off at the convent. Later, they saw my size and athletic ability and placed me in the Order of the Sisters of Fate."

"Don't worry, I'll do the right thing." William knelt and asked Penace, "Will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife by marrying me?"

Penance's face twisted, "Marry you! Marry you! I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth. Marry me out of pity." Penance turned and stormed off in a huff.

William hurried from his knee and begged, "Please, Penny! Please Stop! and listen to me."

She turned, got in his face, and replied, "Don't you ever call me Penny again, you, you, you cad. That's for someone who actually loves me."

"But I love you, I do, "whined William.

Penny continued in her rage, "Listen, Billy Bob, you didn't say that, quote," she added in a snarky voice, "I'll do the right thing."

Just the Penace grabbed her belly. Oh, she groaned. Looking down, she saw that her water had broken. William took over the situation and asked, "Mom, Grand Ma, and Adrestia, will you ride with us to the hospital? I'm taking her to Methodist out west. It has the best doctors there."

After loading up his candy apple red Ford Heavy-Duty four-wheel-drive truck, he picked up his police radio mike. Keying the mike, he asked Bobby Lee, "Are you out there? You on duty?"

"Yeah, man, what's up, William?" replied Bobby Lee.

"I need an escort. My future wife is having our baby."

"Damn, you old dog. Congrats." The big question is, is she good-looking?" And more important, does she have a sister?"

"Most beautiful woman in the world," William replied with pride, "and I love her to death. And yes, she has a bunch of sisters."

"William, where you at?" asked Bobby Lee.

"I'm heading east off Maple. I'll meet you at the intersection of Maple and Broadway."

"I'll be there in two minutes," Bobby replied.

"We'll be there in three. Hey, is that sister of yours working emergency today," he asked.

"Yeah."

"Thanks. See you in two-and-a-half." Turning the channel on his radio, he keyed his microphone.

"Hey, Mary Sue, you there?

He looked over to see Penance going through a contraction. "Are you ok?" he asked.

Her head turned to face him when he saw tears in her eyes.

"Hey stud, what's going on?" The female voice came back over the speaker. He looked over to see Penance snarl.

"Mary Sue, my future wife's water broke and she's having contractions. We're on our way there now."

"Your what?" said Mary Sue. "Your wife," she repeated in shock.

"We're not married, but we will. I'll beg her to do it as soon as I can."

"Oh, William, many hearts are breaking in Texas tonight. Who is the lucky girl? Do I know her?"

"No, Don't think so." Her name is Penance, and I love her with all my heart," boasted William, trying to gain a few brownie points.

Penace noticed that at every intersection, the traffic was blocked by the local police as they drove past. The radio blurted out different voices, "Congrats, Penance and William. May God go with you."

He turned to Penance to see Lizzy holding her hand for comfort, "Please marry me. I need you." He asked again, "I'm tired of making my own decisions and being right. I know I can make you a loving husband and honor and cherish you."

Over the speaker, Mary Sue blurted out, "Honey, I've been trying to nail down William since we were kids and I hate you. But if he says he loves you, he does. And you mess up and hurt him. I'm just saying, Honey, I'm a good shot at up to 800 yards."

William heard sobbing and crying. He looked at Penance and asked, "Are you okay, baby?" Are you hurting? We'll be there in five minutes."

She turned and said, "You announce to everyone you love me." she said between sobs.

He responded softly and smiled, "Yes, I do, very much."

She replied, "Yes, I'll marry you."

"Great, we'll marry as soon as the paperwork is done."

Adrestia interceded, "What do you mean when the paperwork is done? As a duly appointed officer of the court, I have the full authority given to me by the Governor to marry you two right here and now in his eyes. Then, you two can make it legal afterward."

"Great, better hurry," said William. "We're almost there."

Adrestia started her sermon.

William screeched the truck to a stop just in time to see Mary Sue and the crew waiting on them. After putting Penance in the chair, Adrestia continued as he pushed through the doors.

"Stop, Stop," said William, "I don't have a ring."

"Here," said his mom. "Take mine. It was your Grandma Lizzy's."

A minute later, Adrestia announced Penace and William as Mrs and Mr. as Penance was rolled through the swinging doors toward her room.

William watched them swing back and forth and felt an elbow in his side.

"Well, stud, cutting it a little close there, weren't you," chuckled Mary Sue.

"Yep," he replied, turned, and approached his dad.

By that time, Amos had arrived. "Dad, can I talk to you in private for a second please?"

Walking over to a private corner of the waiting room, Amos asked, "What can I do for William?"

"Dad, I'm really lost here. How did you make your marriage last as long as you have with mom?"

Thinking carefully, Willam smiled and said, "Whenever Penance asks you a question, always give her the third answer that pops into your head."

A confused William asked, "Why is that, Dad?"

"Well, the first answer you are dying to give will undoubtedly get you divorced. The second answer you want to yell out will land you on the couch, and for the next month, it will be cold in the bedroom.

"But answer the third answer: Remember, 'Happy wife, happy life.' Now hug your old man, and by the way, congratulations."

A loud voice yelled out, "Is there a Mr. William Jones?"

"Yes, right here," William nervously answered. "Is there a problem?"

"Your wife asked if you could be with her. She said she was scared."

"Thanks for the advice, Dad, I gotta go,"

William scrubbed down and suited up for the event and walked over to Penance, grimacing in pain while taking a full epidural. Standing next to her, Mary Sue, by that time, had suited up and was trying to comfort her.

Mary Sue asked, "You're not from around these parts. Where are you from? And how long have you two been dating?"

Penance started feeling the effects of the drugs entering her system. "I'm not from around here. I've lived in a convent all my life."

"In a convent, were you an orphan?" Asked Mary Sue.

Penance replied, "Yes, I was when I was younger, but then I became Sister Penance of the Order of the Sisters of Fate until I was excommunicated for being with a man."

"A Nun! You were a Nun?" gasped Mary Sue. Her eyes tightened, then turned toward William with venom in her voice, "You took advantage of a nun. You should be ashamed of yourself, William Jones."

Back peddling a few feet from an angry nurse, he panicked and said, "Don't look at me." Then, throwing Penance under the bus, he pointed toward Penance and said, "It was her idea."

Mary Sue snarled and said, "I've changed my mind, Penance. William, if ever her you hurt this girl, I will take you hog hunting on daddy's ranch. You'll be the pig in my sights. And unless you can outrun a 30-06 round, you'll be the prize. There would be something satisfying about seeing a stick up your ass and an apple in your mouth."

"Penance, when you get out and get settled with the baby. I'll get all my and William's friends, and we'll throw you a baby shower," said Mary Sue. "It will give you a chance to make new friends. We can tell about William and all his secrets, and you can tell us how you two met and how long you dated."

Penance replied, "Oh, we never dated, and I think it was just the one time." Then Penance looked at Mary Sue and asked, "Does it count as one time or the five times we did it that night? It was my first time. I'm not quite sure how you count it."

All the staff turned to William in shock. William quickly responded, "She had a lot of pent-up demand," he whined.

Feeling no pain, Penance said, "Oh, don't worry about it being only five. You did the best you could, and I love you anyway. I'll whip into shape, and you'll be up to ten quickly."

"Honey," replied Mary Sue, "women count it as once. Men like to brag and would count it as 5. Oh, Willaim, you better stop by the Doc's. You'll need to get a prescription for the little blue pill and lots of them."

Three hours later, a doctor walked through the door. He removed his mask and asked, "Is the Jones family here?"

Everyone stood up, and he approached with Amos. "The mom and baby are doing fine. It was a 12-pound, 12-ounce baby boy. The little dickens gave us quite a fight but we managed to get him out." Everyone hugged and congratulated each other.

"Oh, by the way, the father has been placed in another room for his recovery."

Danni gasped, "I'm his mom. What happened?"

"Well, it seemed that that young lady has quite a grip. William got too close to her. When she was pushing, she grabbed his crotch and every time she pushed, she gripped harder. Give him about an hour to recover."

"Oh, he'll be ok then. If that's all, can we see the baby now?" Asked his mom. Everyone knows whose Granma's number one priority is.

"The baby is now down at the nursery. If you'd like to see him, you go through those doors," pointing to his left. All the Jones party filed out.

There were a couple of older men that heard everything. One old man looked at the other and said, "It's amazing, isn't it?"

"What's amazing," asked the other.

"Well, we spend the first nine months of our lives trying to get out and the rest of our lives trying to get back in it." They both chuckled.

Xxxx

Lucy walked into her home from a trip to the pharmacy. The first thing she noticed was the assault on her olfactory senses. 'Cookies,' she thought, 'chocolate chip, to be exact.'

Then came the sound of a familiar voice, "In the kitchen, Lucy," shouted Lizzy.

"Hey Lizzy. How are you doing?" Lucy asked. Then she stopped in her tracks and stared in shock. Her kitchen had converted to a replica of Lizzy's, where she recently chatted.

"Yeah, I know," said Lizzy. "They never turn out right with the new-fangled gadgets. Have a seat and I'll get you some milk, and we can share these warm treats."

They chatted for about ten minutes with Lucy constantly thanking Lizzy for saving her family.

"Lucy, give me your hands," said Lizzy. "I have some news for you."

Lucy nervously moved her hands toward Lizzy.

Lizzy smiled broadly and said, "Congratulations!"

Looking confused, "Congratulations for what?" asked Lucy.

Grinning from ear to ear, Lizzy announced, "You're pregnant."

Looking confused, he smiled, "What's the joke? I don't get it."

"It's no joke, you're your pregnant."

"Unless it's an immaculate conception, it won't happen."

"Were you sick this morning?"

Lucy's eyes grew big, and they responded, "But I had my tubes tied.

"Honey, the Governor works in mysterious ways."

"Is it Edward's?" she asked nervously, as the thought of any other possibility was terrifying.

"Yes, and you mean, Its. It's two of them. You're having twins."

"How do I explain it to Edward? He won't believe me after what I did."

"Did you forget already?" Asked Lizzy. "You've been forgiven because it never happened. What you need is to go to the doctor and have them run one of those things called a scan, and it will show your tubes grew back and you are carrying twins.

"It seemed after the trial, your two boys went to the Governor and pleaded with him to make you and Edward their mommy and daddy again. And they will be born in the order they would have been born before. Once they are born, only you will know they are the same souls.

Lucy was crying, ran around the table, hugged Lizzy, and thanked her with a big smile.

"Honey, I've got to be going. I hear the girls' school bus coming. Go ahead and get them."

"Will I see you again?" Lucy asked.

"I'll keep my eye on you. I'll be here if you need me."

"Bye, Lizzy," Lucy said as she walked out the door to get her kids.

Following the soul-warming smell, her girls ran into the kitchen a few minutes later. Lucy returned to see her kitchen back in its original form, and the only sign that Lizzy was at the house was a plate filled with chocolate cookies.

Both girls grabbed one and took a bite, and Sara said, "Mom, these are the best cookies I've ever had."

"Ouch," Lucy thought.

Epilogue

60 years later.

"Lizzy, we're here," yelled Eli.

Lizzy walked out of her kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron, smiled, and said, "Hi, Lucy. You made it."

Lucy smiled and hurried over and gave Lizzy a hug.

Lizzy pushed her away and said, "I am so mad at you, young lady."

"Mad at me," With shock Lucy replied. "What did I do?"

"Because of you, that man right there strutted around like the cock of the yards for years. You just had to name your sons Eli and Justice. That man was unbearable for three decades. Each day, he would drop by and look in on them." They looked over to see a big smile on Eli's face.

The two women chuckled at his expression of a cock crowing with pride. Lizzy asked Eli, "Don't you have something to do?"

He reached over and kissed Lizzy on the cheek and headed out. "I'll be back in a bit," and headed out the door.

"Have a seat and tell me how your life turned out."

"Oh, Lizzy, it was terrific. Edward became dean of his college and all the kids had extraordinary lives. I have 16 grandchildren and 40 great-grandchildren. I can't thank you enough for what you, Eli, and the Governor did for me."

"How about you, Lizzy? How did William's and Penance's lives turn out?" inquired Lucy.

"Great. They have eight kids. It seems Ms. Penance loves kids and would have had more until William put his foot down because of the health risk for her. They just celebrated their 60^th wedding anniversary."

"That sounds about right," replied Lucy. "Eli and Justice are 59 now and they have six grandchildren," Lucy beamed proudly.

"Lizzy, can you find out about Edward? I'm so worried about him being by himself. That man couldn't find his glasses if they were sitting on his face."

"Lucy, Edward went on to live for another three years. He died in his sleep surrounded by his family."

Lucy teared up and asked, "Is he happy?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask him? He's just walked in with Eli." Lucy looked up and smiled, quickly stood, and ran to his arms. "Edward, you are so young. You look like the day I married you."

"My love, you're so beautiful, but you were always beautiful to me. Look over into that mirror." Lucy looked over and saw the reflection of herself when she was 21.

Lizzy stepped up to the couple, smiled, and spoke. "It's time for you to go. Your new home is waiting for you." Lucy leaned over and kissed Edward, and they slowly moved into the light.

"Lizzy, I've got to go put the horses up," said Eli. "I'm going to miss those two. It's going to be awful boring around here."

"Don't worry, Honey, I have a bead on another foolish woman who thinks she can cheat and her husband will forgive her. She just sat him down and said, "HONEY WE NEED TO TALK."

Author's Notes.

Due to the high request, I have decided to franchise 'My Unfuck Machine.' Unfortunately, the Michigan territory has been spoken for. George has been doing a booming business ever since the Automotive strikes. It seems many men didn't walk the picket lines for 8 hours and went home early.