The V Card Swap

"It's true."

"What about that guy Todd? He told everyone that ..."

"He's a fucking liar. I never slept with him. I've never slept with anyone. I've never even used a vibrator."

"Whoa, too much information, sis."

"I'm just saying, there are a lot of nasty bitches out there. You have to be careful."

"A girl not putting out just means she's selective. A guy not putting out means he's a loser."

"There's no reason you can't be selective too. There's no law that says men have to be whores. Trust me, you don't want to date a woman who rejects you for being a virgin."

"Maybe not but it still hurts."

"Trust me. You want your first time to be special with someone special. Now, come on. Watch this movie with me."

"No, I just want to go to bed and maybe die in my sleep. At least then my arm will stop hurting for good."

"I'll go back to the beginning so you'll understand the story."

"No. It looks like a girl movie."

"It has young Cameron Diaz in it topless."

Wick felt his body jolt. "Really?" He moved over to the sofa next to his sister.

The film started and for a bit Wick was quiet but then he had to pause the movie. "When do we get to see titties?"

"Later." Lydia said.

"Do we get to see Julia Roberts topless?"

"I don't think so."

"That sucks."

"Just watch the movie."

"But the logic of it is all flawed."

"It's just a movie. Don't get bent out of shape."

"Just walk through this with me."

"Oh, here we go."

"Two people make an agreement that if neither of them are married by a certain time, they will get married with each other. That is a horrible idea."

"That's the part of the movie you object to? No wonder you're still a virgin. People make those kinds of agreements all the time."

"But it's dumb. Think about it. It naturally follows that if they should get married, they are each just settling for the other when they don't really love each other that way."

"In some cultures arranged marriages work."

"Not the point. The point is, if they do end up getting married, each will always have this thought in the back of their mind that they perhaps could have done better. Additionally they themselves are not the number one object of affection for the other."

"So, what? Just watch in peace."

"You do realize that it would be nearly impossible for them both to get engaged to other people at the same time. Therefore it will almost always be the case that one person in the agreement will be pulling out leaving the other high and dry. There is no good outcome to an agreement like this if you just complete the thought."

"How about you be quiet so we can complete the movie."

"Even with topless titties I'm not even sure I want to. I can predict the whole plot now. The guy meets a woman to get married to, so the other woman will become jealous, break up the wedding and in the end he realizes that he's really in love with her all along and they run away together like the ending to the Graduate."

Lydia rolled her eyes. "You can't just enjoy the story for what it is, can you?"

"If they were going to use a plot device like an agreement like that, they should have thought it through. Those kinds of agreements could be logical but you'd have to change it a bit."

"Whatever. I'm going to bed. Sorry you had a bad date."

"I got it."

"URG! You already ruined the movie. What?"

"Instead of an agreement to force someone to do something they might naturally want to do anyway and thus always put that action under unnecessary suspicion, instead the agreement should be to force someone to do something they would never want to do and thus create incentive to take action instead of settle."

"You're overthinking it. It's just an insurance policy so they won't be alone."

"But as insurance it sucks. As fuel for forward momentum it could be great."

"Now you're the one who hasn't completed the thought. Why would anyone agree to marry someone they would never marry just to force themselves to go propose? See, it doesn't make sense."

"Sure it does. If you knew you had to agree to marry Dave, jock Dave not nerd Dave; if you knew you had to marry him by a certain date unless you were already married, wouldn't that encourage you to more easily say yes if someone proposed to you?"

"But then I'm just settling for whoever so that I don't have to be with a guy who got on tv because he can lick his own armpits."

"But even if it was settling, you'd always be comparing the person you were with to Dave and no matter their flaws, they'll always be better than Dave."

"I could talk Dave into reneging on the deal ahead of time, so no problem."

"That would corrupt the entire point. No. For the agreement to have any teeth, neither party individually or together should be able to pull out without severe consequences."

"Well, if I ever married Dave, he'd have to pull out cause no way I'm having his children."

...

"Where's Wick's coffee?" Emily asked as Lydia came to the front area of the office on Monday.

"I'm sure he's having some somewhere." Lydia responded.

"He told you."

"Of course he did."

"Can you tell him I'm sorry? I really didn't mean to laugh. I don't know what came over me."

"Laughter came over you."

"I know. Please tell him I didn't mean to hurt his feelings."

"You going to go out with him again?"

"Hell no. He's a fucking virgin. He wouldn't know what to do with all this."

"Well some people believe in saving it for marriage."

"Trust me, no woman is going to want to marry a man who hasn't been able to get at least one other woman in bed. It's not done."

"Oh, my. Look at all that talking. Your mouth works just fine. You can tell him you're sorry yourself and leave me out of it."

...

Wick really couldn't believe he was doing this. He wasn't a lawyer. He didn't know anything about the law. He hadn't even gone to college. Come to think of it, he hadn't even done that well in English class back in high school. Yet, here he was with his resume about to do an interview for a job writing the law. Of course he didn't get to put whatever he wanted into it. The legislators came up with the ideas and this office just put that into legalese to go into the law books. Still, Wick was amazed they would even call him in for an interview.

"Before the interview, I'd like you to read this document and then tell me what you think it means." the interviewer said.

Wick swallowed and then took it. "Is there a time limit?"

"Nope. Take all the time you need. Please put a check mark by every paragraph you can understand."

Wick looked down at the page. Most of it seemed pretty simple but this one part in the middle seemed like a bunch of words that just went on and on but didn't make any sense. Oh, well. Wick already knew he was out of his depth with this job. He seriously couldn't see himself with a government job, a government id, actual government level responsibility, going in and out through all that security everyday. Good jobs like that weren't for people like him. They were for Harvard grads or something.

"Having trouble there?" the interviewer asked him.

"Um ..." Wick decided to just admit defeat and then get out of there so he could get his resume out to a place that would actually hire him. "This part here in the middle. I can't make heads or tails of it."

"What about the other parts?"

"Well, those are ok. Although, here, I'm not sure if it means inside the building or outside the building. I mean, I assume it means outside but it doesn't actually say that."

"Good. So, do you want to start tomorrow or wait until next Monday?"

"Huh?"

"You're hired."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. You're the first applicant in two years to tell us the truth. Everyone else tries to bullshit us."

"Can we say 'bullshit' here?"

"You should hear the governor when the cameras aren't on him. Real sailor that one."

"Do I get paid more if I start tomorrow?"

"No, you're salary's the same every month no matter how many days you work."

"Still, if it's ok I'll be here tomorrow. Unless you want me to start today."

"Go down the hall to room C2 and they'll make your id."

...

Lydia was surprised to see her brother parked outside her work when she got off. She was also surprised to see him in a tie. Emily also saw him and then went back into the building.

"Tell him I'm already gone." Emily requested.

"He already saw you." Lydia noted.

"I'm not here. This is too much pressure. I can't go out with him tonight. I have plans already."

Their boss was checking her messages on her phone one last time before leaving and overheard. She looked outside and saw Wick. In her strange monotone voice she said, "Handsome young man. If he doesn't mind dating a married woman, I'll have a go with him."

"You're married?" Lydia asked with surprise.

"I haven't lived with my husband for over a year. My loins are getting antsy for some action. I need a good ramming one more time before I turn 40."

"Well, I'm sure he's not here for that."

"He drinks my coffee everyday. He owes me. Besides, once a real woman has had him, Emily's objections to dating him will be nullified. That is, so long as she doesn't mind my sloppy seconds."

Lydia could not get out of that conversation fast enough. She didn't wait around to hear Emily's reply to that. She grabbed her things and hurriedly went to her brother. "Let's go. Now!"

"I got a job."

"Tell me in the car."

They got in the little faded pink Kia and started to drive away, all the while one of the engine belts was making a squeaking noise.

"So, like I said, I got a job."

"What is it this time? Comic book store?"

"The state capital building."

"Seriously?"

He showed her his id and she stared at it for a moment.

"This is for real?" she asked.

"Yep. And I got full benefits. You are looking at a state employee."

"Ok, what lie did you use to con your way in there?"

"Nothing. In fact, me telling the truth was what got me the job."

"I can't believe this."

"And all I had to do was just not be scared to go up there."

"Way to go, big bro."

Before getting home they stopped by a supermarket to buy some food and Lydia cooked dinner for Wick. Once she was done, they cleared off the table and sat down to eat like one of those pictures of a family from the 1950s.

"This is nice." Wick said.

"So, I was thinking about that thing you were talking about." Lydia started.

"What's that?" he asked.

"The agreement thing. I think your logic is spot on."

"The marriage thing?"

"Yeah, only ... why does it have to be marriage?"

"I guess it doesn't have to be. I spent the last of my prize money on the doctor and with no way to get more right now I had to go get another job. Same sort of deal if you think about it."

"See. So why couldn't that be done to sex." she suggested.

"I don't follow."

"Like you said. If two virgins decided to lose their virginity to each other they both might hold out, hoping to be with the other one."

"And then, if the other one lost their virginity before the first one, the first one would feel betrayed. I get it. That's a bad agreement." he added.

"But what if two people who would never have sex with each other, or even want to have sex with each other, made the agreement. Then that would put a fire under each one of their asses to go out there and finally do it."

"Two people like who? Like, if the guy didn't lose his virginity he'd have to sleep with a crack addict with aids or something?"

"No, nothing that would cause you to get hurt. Nothing like that."

"Wait. Are you talking about me?"

"Yeah, you. Why would I be talking about anyone else?"

"I don't know. The only way that kind of thing would work would be if the threat were real. If I felt the threatened action wasn't real or that I could somehow get out of it, there wouldn't be sufficient motivation to ..."

"Me and you. How about that?" she interrupted.

"I don't understand." he said.

"We set a date and if we're both still virgins at that date then we have to lose our virginity to each other."

"But we can't do that." he objected.

"Why not?"

"You know why."

"Which is how I trust you'll never tell anyone about it. And also why I know you'll finally succeed with Emily."

"But ... I don't even want to go out with Emily again."

"So what? You date a different girl." She put her foot down.

"Your logic is sound. But that would mean we'd have to actually go through with it if we both failed."

"Hey, look at me, does it look like I'd fail if I gave it half a try. I've only been waiting all this time so I could find someone to make it special. I could easily lower my expectations on what special is and see where it gets me. No, this is about you, not me. I'm not going to do anything until you move your ass and go get laid. And besides, I hear a certain someone in my office has really got the hots for you."

"Who?"

"Not saying and you didn't hear it from me. I'm just saying, have a bit more confidence and likely she's all yours."

"Do I know her? Do I know anything about her?"

"Wick, all you need to know is that if you fail you'll have to lose your virginity to me."

"Ew. I didn't agree to that yet."

"So, come on. We both agree right now."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But ..."

"But nothing. If you won't have the confidence to go get some pussy all on your own then this is what you need to finally put yourself out there."

"An agreement to have ..."

"Don't say that word. Just an agreement to lose it to me. And if you don't want that to happen then I suggest you get a move on."

"How long do I have?"

"Your 21st birthday."

"That's in two months."

"I have complete confidence in you."

"Two months is not enough time. What if ..."

"It's fine. Just do it."

"You'll still only be 19."

"So?"

"You're my sister."

"That's the point, Wick."

"I can't do that."

"Which is why it is the perfect thing to get you to finally do it with someone else."

"What would mom say?"

"You're the one always telling me you don't care what mom says."

"But if we give our word and I fail, we'll have to go through with it even if we don't want to."

"Then you better not let it get to that. I'm ready to give you my word. And I'm not just saying that. I know what it means to you and I'm doing it and asking the same from you. So what do you say."

"You'll really give me your word? Just like that?"

"Yes. I give you my word. Now you go."

"I don't feel right about this. It'll make everything all weird between us."

"No it won't."

"And what if we have to end up doing it."

"We won't."

"You know, ... I appreciate the thought but if it was really important to me to lose my virginity, I would have done it by now. Sex just isn't that important to me."

"Yes it is. Don't lie. Look, I'll help you. If you can't make things work with Emily then I'll talk to some girls and get you set up if you need it, not that you do. And when you go on those dates with Emily or whoever, I expect you to bring your 'A' game cause if you don't get laid after all the help I'm going to give you then I'm going to hold you down and take your virginity from you by force."

"Why do you even care so much?"

"She laughed at you. And now the women in my office are all talking about it, laughing at US, and even the ladies from the next office over are asking me about it. You being a virgin is a bad reflection on me. It makes people think there's something wrong with us, you know, as a family."

"There is something wrong with us as a family."

"Oh, fucking hell, Wick. I don't want people to know that. I want to be normal. So let's do this."

"No. This is a bad idea. I don't want this. You don't really want. I had thought you'd lost yours a long time ago anyway."

"And I thought the same of you but here we are, both adults and both still virgins."

"You said being a virgin wasn't a bad thing."

"Well, ... it is. People aren't going to treat you like a real adult until it happens so you better just buck up and meet me half way on this. I've already given my word. What's it going to be? You going to leave me hanging?"

"You don't have to do this for me. I can handle my own life."

"Fine. Then do it for me. I won't feel right losing my virginity before you loose yours. I'm your younger sister. You're the older one. You have to do it first or it's weird. Once you do it, then I'm free to. Give me this opportunity for me to finally go out there and become a woman."

"I don't really feel like encouraging you to have sex."

"If you don't then I guess I'll have to just turn into a slut who sleeps with a bunch of guys."

"Not in this apartment."

"You want me safe and sound in my bed or out all night with who knows who?"

"Fine, you win. I give my word."

"Just like that? Don't we need to shake on it?"

Wick extended his hand to his sister and she took it to shake. As they touched he looked at her and let the thought sink in that if this all goes south, he'd have to have sex with her.

Afterwards, Wick went and sat at his desk and was tempted to turn his computer on, but he knew he didn't really have time. He pulled out the packet of documents he needed to read over for his new job. As he started reading he felt this strange tingling all over his skin. Sex had never been a priority in his life. He liked girls just as much as the next guy but he was always busy. Rent doesn't pay itself. The electricity doesn't pay itself. His car payment doesn't pay itself. When did he even have time to date or eventually have sex?

Well, now that he thought about it, dating didn't take up that much time. It was finding someone to date. Now that he thought about it, he new Dave's secret. Dave didn't care. He could just go on a date with a woman and feel nothing for her. As nice and polite as he was to women, none of them could touch Dave's heart. He was walled off. He could date and even fuck countless women and none of them would ever mean anything to Dave. They were all essentially one night stands with strangers whether he knew them or not; or the relationship lasted months or a single day.

But Wick wasn't built that way. He couldn't see himself asking a girl he cared nothing for on a date. Even just flirting would cause him to start to care deeply. He could never just use a woman for sex. He could never really open himself up so much as to have sex with someone if he didn't see a long term relationship or maybe even marriage in their future. But with every woman he'd ever even begun to get close to, they'd see him investing way too much into the relationship far too soon and it would scare them off.

So what if that meant Wick was still a virgin at 20. He didn't really care that much. Physically, what was the difference between fucking and masturbating in the long run if the girl wasn't going to have kids for you? None as far as he was concerned.

For guys like Dave, he could put himself out there because he couldn't be hurt. If he asked a hundred women out and ninety rejected him, he'd still fuck the last ten and never spare a thought to the one's that Dave would only describe as missing out. If Wick put himself out there, he'd feel every rejection as powerfully as all the rest put together and he'd never be able to endure to get to that first one who would not push him away.

Well, he was going to have to get over it because he'd given his word and he never broke his word. It was the one thing even his worst enemies could say positively about him. If Wick gave his word you could take that to the bank and cash it every time. He was going to have to have sex with ... someone. And it likely wouldn't be someone he'd be able to spend the rest of his life with. He'd basically have to let some woman use him for sex. It made him feel kind of sad and not at all excited about it.