The V Card Swap

"You said we had extenuating circumstances."

"I know. And we do. We never agreed we had to make that happen same day. But that's not the problem."

"Then what's the problem?"

"We can't hold each other to that agreement if it's illegal. You can't make an agreement to break the law. There's a rule about it."

"Well, that's a relief."

"But on the other hand, there's the theory of harm. Even if the agreement deals with something that technically breaks the law, if no one is harmed by it, than there's no reason to bring wider society into it. It's basically a trifle and the law does not concern itself with trifles."

"Um ... ok, you lost me on that bit."

"Do you feel that I would hurt you?"

"I hope not."

"But do you have any genuine fear that I would harm you if we ... had sex?"

"No. Not physically. At least, I don't think so."

"Damn. And the law doesn't care about hypothetical unrealized future earnings. So that means that even if fewer men would want to be with you or marry you if they knew about us, we can't take that into consideration."

"Ok, you really lost me. The part where ..."

"I'll save you the trouble. It means that ... we can't ask others to enforce our agreement because we're agreeing to do something illegal; but at the same time, no one should want to get involved in the first place to stop the agreement because we wouldn't be hurting anyone. So it's back to just me and you and do we keep our word to each other or not."

"What do you want to do?" Lydia asked, not sure how else to respond.

"I don't know. But what I do know is I want Jane out of my house and if her dad doesn't want to keep his word to me, law rule or no, he can lose my damn email address. I'm tired of listening to his bullshit."

"Wait a minute. He's not your dad."

"Yeah, I know. You don't have to remind me. He's already done that enough to ..."

"So that thing about parents not having to keep their word doesn't actually apply to him."

Wick sat there silent for a moment. "You are so mother fucking right. Holy shit. I love you."

"If you want that car, you go get that car."

"Well, it's not so much that I want it so much as ... I really don't want Jane to have it."

Wick knew he had to sort of tread lightly here. Any mention of lawyers or courts or suing would cause his father to hide behind his corporate legal team. He had to stay on message. He had to stay unemotional and keep to the facts.

Wick made the call to Jane's father through the free phone access in his google voice account so that they could all hear each other at the same time.

"Yes, it's true, son. I thought about it and you said you didn't want the car."

"Jane has four cars. Why does she need a new one?" Wick asked.

"You little shit. Why are you trying to ruin this for me?" Jane whispered into his ear. "Daddy, you know I have to have one available for the house keeper to pick up Jason from school. And the other is the one I use for going out of town. I can't drive that one around everyday. And ..."

"Ok, son. How about this. You take one of Jane's old ones when she gets the new one. There. Is everybody happy?" Jane's father offered.

"Daddy, you can't give him one of my cars. They're mine. And you already said you'd give the new one to me. His birthday is over. Why should he get it? Don't I have enough to deal with? Mark and I have had all this trouble conceiving and now we have to have monthly visits from Jason's social worker all because Mark can't stop fucking his secretary. No one understands what I have to go through."

"Pumpkin, you know daddy's always here for you. If you need ..."

"Hold up. Point of order." Wick said. "You do know you don't have to keep your word to her, right? There's an entire rule about it down at the capital building. Parents don't have to keep their word to their children. You're in the clear if you take back the car."

"But daddy I need the car." Jane said. "And if the rule says you can break a promise to me than you can break a promise to him too. You decide daddy. It's your money."

"She's got a point son."

"Ah, but I'm not your son. I'm really just some guy. You made sure to get that into the divorce decree and anytime I wanted anything you went out of your way to make sure that I understood that I was not really your son. So actually, you do have to give me the car."

"Aw, son, don't be like that."

"You know, he goes to work down there and now he thinks he knows everything. Daddy tell him you're giving me the car. Don't let him talk to you like that."

"Look, it's simple." Wick cut in. "Either I get the car and she doesn't or I get an admission from you that you, paternity test be damned, are my father and from now on you will love me and Lydia the same as Jane."

"Wickham, you know I love all you kids."

"Not a kid anymore, ... 'dad'. So, what's it going to be. I get a car or I get a father who can use an obscure exception to break his word to me."

"This feels very much like blackmail. I hope that's not what you think you're doing."

"Well, it's not blackmail. It's not even close to fitting the legal definition of blackmail. I'm really just saying we have a need for a clarification and what I want is for everyone to act like good law abiding citizens of the state."

There would have been silence but Jane was putting on her fake water works to try and get the car.

"Jane, pumpkin, honey." her father said to get her attention. "Go outside and let me talk to your brother."

"But Daddy! He's going to try to ..."

"NOW!" her father said, from which Jane whimpered away to the kitchen area. "So, it sounds like you're doing well for yourself with your new job."

"I try."

"It shows. I'm proud of you."

"Proud enough to not give me a car?"

"Oh, you got that tied in a nice little knot, don't you? If I give you a car, it means I'm being an asshole by saying I'm not your father. And if I don't give you a car then I'm being an asshole by saying I'm your dad but I don't really care about you. You got me good, son. There's no winning."

"I didn't make the rules."

"You know, all that stuff in the divorce, ... sigh ... that was all just to protect me from your mother. It was never anything against you. I could have tried to fight for you. To get custody. But everyone I talked to told me it was suicide. The only reason I have a roof over my head now is because I walked away. And it killed me to do that. I hope you understand that at least. It really killed me. And I've been ready to help you with things. All you ever would have needed to do was ask."

"I have asked."

"No you haven't. You've demanded. And then when I can't get back to you right away, you tell me to forget about it. I try to help you and you throw it in my face. But I'm not going to let you do that this time. Nope. This time I'm here for you, son. All the way. I'm your father, 100%, paternity be damned like you said. There. Now, if you want that car, just ask me for it."

Wick was not really ready for this. He'd been so conditioned over his childhood not to ask for things it was so weird to actually do it. "Ok ... dad. Can I have a car?"

"Yeah son. I bought it for you last Friday. You just have to sign for it."

"Really?"

"You're welcome."

"Oh, yeah. Thank you. Totally, thank you. Wow, I can't believe this."

"But Daddy, that was my car." Jane interrupted.

"I already bought the car. I can't take it back now."

"Well then, buy me one too. I need one way more then he does. You know that."

"I'll buy you one when it's your birthday again."

"But that's all the way next ..."

"Before you guys get into this," Wick had to say at his loudest without yelling. "Where do I go to sign for my car?"

The place Wick had to go was a Chevy dealer because the car that his 'dad' had bought for him was a corvette with all the bells and whistles. It cost more than Wick made in a year, or maybe two years.

"Are you fucking kidding me." Jane said when Wick was handed the keys after signing the documents.

"That's going to cost a lot more on gas." Lydia mentioned.

"Good thinking, Lydia. Yeah, Wickham. You can't afford the gas for that thing. Let me have it."

"Jane, you don't even have a job."

"I'm a mother. That's a full time job."

"Where's Jason?"

"With Mark or the house keeper. He's fine."

Wick turned to Lydia. "It's like she doesn't even realize what she's saying."

"Hey, I got it." Jane said as if she suddenly had an epiphany. "We sell this one back to the dealer, and then go buy matching BMWs. Wickham and his beloved big sister with the same car. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"No, I'm going to stick with the vet, but keep that dream, you."

"I am trying to be nice to you but you're really making it hard."

"Well, look on the bright side, sis. You get to drive the Kia back to my apartment."

"You're not even going to let me drive the vet?"

"Uh, no. I don't even want you in the vet."

"Well this is the last time I take time out of my busy life to come help you with your ... um ... injury?" she said as a question because she'd forgotten why it was that Wick was in so much pain the day before.

Jane was in the apartment that night, begging and bothering about the damn car and seemingly unable to get it into her head that Wick was going to keep the car and whatever family ties he had to Jane as a sister or a half sister was just not enough to warrant saying he owed her a car.

All through dinner she kept at it. When Wick was taking a shower, she was going on and on right outside the shower curtain. She would let there be no peace. Finally when it was getting to midnight and Wick wanted to actually not be conscious until he had to wake up in the morning he laid the bomb on her.

"Ok. Ok. You win. But one condition." Wick said.

"You'll give me the corvette. Oh, you are my favorite little half brother on my mother's side."

"But I have one condition. You don't meet it and I won't give you the car."

"I'll do my humble best."

"It might be hard to believe this but ... I'm still a virgin."

"I know. I heard. Dad knows too. He was mortified, by the way."

"Yeah, great. Anyway, um ... Lydia!" he called out.

"Yeah." she said when she came to the door.

"I want you to witness this conversation."

"Sure."

Wick turned his attention again to Jane. "I'll give you the car if you ... help me lose my virginity."

Jane's eyes went wide and her mouth hung open. "Uh ... um ... so you want me to get you a date?"

"No. Sis, you are so gorgeous and I've been infatuated with you for so long. My feelings burn inside me. Put me out of my misery. Consent to have sex with me."

"Oh? ... Oh!" Jane went white and then slowly stood up from his bed and backed away to the door where Lydia was. But even then she wasn't about to completely give up. "Wouldn't one of my friends who has a resemblance to me be better?"

"No, sis. It has to be you. I'm ashamed to say this but I can't even get an erection with other women. But when I think of you, oh, then I'm always ready to go."

Jane didn't respond. She just ran from the room to Lydia's bed. Wick was trying not to laugh but he was smiling ear to ear.

"You sure you should have done that?" Lydia said.

Wick called her closer to the bed. "You know when she asks you to back her up about this conversation, I didn't say that stuff, right?"

"Oh, totally. Of course. Fuck her. I want my brother to have a vet."

...

The next morning Jane was distant. She was wearing sunglasses and looking away as Wick ate his cereal. Later as Wick was putting his tie on Jane came to him. "I want you to understand that you're my brother and I love you. And if it were up to me, I'd want to help you. If you really need me, I'd be willing to make that sacrifice. But I have my husband to think about and that poor child with no parents. It would never work between us. Please understand. Now, isn't there anything else I can do for you so I can have that car?"

"No. But hey, love you too, sis." Then Wick grabbed his keys, jingled them in front of Jane's face. "Lydia, time to go." he called out. As Wick was leaving the front door he told Jane she could just leave her key to his apartment with the front desk staff downstairs when she left.

When he dropped Lydia off at work he knew he should have just gone to the capital and had the coffee there but he decided instead to have some of Stephanie's because hers was just better.

"I see you're trying a new tactic to lose your virginity." the boss lady said when she caught him taking her coffee. "Keep driving that thing around and you're bound to loose it soon enough."

"And what makes you think I haven't lost it already?"

"Please. If you had you wouldn't have parked long enough for us to even get a peek at your car. You'd be out driving around whatever girl let you inside her."

"For your information, I happen to have to go to work."

"I pity you. You're going to have to beat them off with a stick."

"I'm not sure modern women are so superficial."

"You have a lot to learn."

With the comedic timing of the best stand up artist Emily popped her head into the break room. "Is that your new car? When do I get a ride? I do owe you a date, after all."

"I'm sure our good friend Wick would love to give you a ride, Em. But you'll have to pay the cover. Now the only question is, which one of us gets to ride in it first?"

Wick was definitely regretting that conversation. But it wasn't the only one of that kind that he was going to have that day. All morning at the capital people were wondering which politician had gotten their hands on a vet. No one would believe it belonged to a mere staffer. The going theory was that it belonged to the Lt. Governor. But if that were true, why didn't he park in his designated parking spot.

For lunch, Wick almost always just got the three dollar sandwich from the cafeteria in the basement. But not today. For some reason he was compelled to go out to his vet, let the people checking it out see him get into it and he drove out of security and around the block to a fast food place. Then he only went through the drive through and tried to hurry back so he could get the same parking place again. Alas, it had been taken so he had to park in a new spot a bit farther away.

As he was eating at his desk and looking over email, all of which were just general email blasts and none were directly addressed to him, Marsha came over, grabbed a chair and sat next to him, all the while giving him sexy shoulders.

"How the hell did you afford a corvette?"

"My dad bought it for me."

"Well, I wish he were my dad."

"No, you do not."

"Oh, spare me whatever sob story you have little rich boy. Every family has issues."

"Yeah but I think ..." he considered his words carefully. "Yeah, you might be right. Got to walk a mile in the other guys shoes and all."

"Exactly. So, when do I get a ride in it?"

"You are not the first person to ask me that today."

"I'm surprised you didn't scream it to the whole office the moment you got here and post a sign up sheet."

"Well, I was told that I'm supposed to charge a cover."

"You haven't let anyone in it yet, have you?"

"Just my sister."

"Doesn't count."

Wick laughed nervously. "I know."

All this attention was making Wick uncomfortable. He didn't like being the center of attention unless he was doing something amazing that could stand on its own. The idea that people would be talking about something he had or something he was just bothered him.

Once he picked Lydia up from work, he suddenly found himself not getting attention from his sister and somehow that also irked him. When he tried to have a conversation with her she just gave him short answers and then looked out the window.

While he was pulling into the parking lot at the apartment building his older sister called for the hundredth time. He ignored it again.

As he was getting out of the vet Wick noticed some guys who lived in the building hanging out by the bus stop looking over at him. They were probably just admiring but ... Wick activated the security system in the car just to be sure. Shit. As he was going to the entrance he looked back at his car and started to wish he had a more secure parking place.

While he was riding the elevator up to the 12th floor, he opened up the car security app on his phone and looked through the various mini cameras installed in the car. A few people were standing around it but no one was too close. He was going to have to move. He could feel it.

A tarp. Or a really big cloth. He was going to have to cover the car when it was parked. But then the cameras wouldn't be able to see if people were plotting to steal it. He had half a mind to go back down there and stand guard by the thing.

Once he was in his apartment, he noticed that he still couldn't get Lydia to really talk to him. He asked if anything was wrong but she said nothing was wrong. He could see something was bothering her but then again if she was telling him to leave her alone he could do that.

As they ate dinner, Lydia almost seemed like she was angry with him. Then after dinner she got a phone call and Wick overheard a man's name. He wasn't sure how he felt about this turn of events, or how he felt when it sounded like his sister agreed to go out with him on Friday night.

"So ..." he began, not sure if this was wise or not. "Who's Eric?"

"You just had to ask, didn't you?" she said, very angrily as opposed to the happy bubble she'd been on the phone.

"What? What did I do?"

"Everyone in the office just loved you today. Oh, I couldn't hear the end of it. So what if I want some attention too. It's not wrong."

"I didn't say it was."

"Because of you I haven't been out to a party in weeks. I haven't done anything fun."

"I'm not stopping you from having fun. What are you talking about?"

"Yes, you are. That stupid promise. Because of that I can't lose my virginity to anyone else cause I gave you my word we'd lose it to each other. So tomorrow when I go on this date with this guy that I like, I have to not put out. Then he'll call me an ice queen and lose interest and ..."

"If he's that shallow, then why do you want him?"

"I just do."

"Ok. Fine. Go do it. I'm not holding anything over your head. The car is making me super popular with the ladies anyway."

"Well then hurry up and get laid. I swear anyone else could have gotten a girl in the sack by now."

"Hey, Lydia. We didn't get into this agreement to hurt each other. It was supposed to be a nudge to get us going. That's what you said. So, if you go on the date, do what you have to do. I never said you couldn't."

"But I said I wouldn't."

"I'm not going to hold you to that."

"Really? You aren't going to hold someone to their word? Really? Find another secret little rule somewhere?"

"No. I'm not going to hurt you. And I'm not going to hold you back. I guess I am a little confused as to how to feel about this guy Eric but I'll get over it."

"No, see. Now you sound like an ex boyfriend not my brother. Can't we just go back to being sister and brother?"

"We are. That never changed."

"Just tell me you won't be mad at me if I go out with this guy and I like him."

"I can't promise not to have an involuntary emotion but I won't act on it if I am."

Wick went closer to her and hugged her.

"We haven't hugged like this in a while." she commented.

"Hard to do it when you go around the house naked."

"And then your little thing gets hard."

"Hey, it is not little and you know that."

...

On Friday neither of them spoke to the other. It was just a series of strange stares. When Lydia went on her date Wick stayed awake that night and went over his options in his head. So many women wanted a ride in his car and most of them had hinted that they'd even pay the toll. Finally he came to the conclusion that he had to let his sister off the hook. It would be wrong to make her do something that he himself didn't even want to do. So he was going to go over to Stephanie's place. If he could have sex with her, then fine. Everyone wins, everyone technically keeps their word, and it's like the agreement never happened.