The V Card Swap

"People say she cock teased him and never put out, all the while she was fucking every dude in town and gave stds to a bunch of guys. And no offense to you but we all know what kind of mom she has."

"Whoa. What the hell?"

"Then last week she called Todd up and tried to make trouble for him with his wife."

"That is all a hundred percent bullshit."

"Bullshit or not, I can't have no drama. I'm still on probation."

"Probation? For what?"

"Just some silly misunderstanding. I accidentally drove my car into my ex-boyfriend's house."

Accidentally? Really? He was looking at the lie smeared across her face.

"Um, right. On second thought stay away from my sister."

...

"So, Kim. How's the love life going?" Lydia asked her friend as they had lunch together.

"Same as usual. All men are dogs and this planet would be better off if they all died out."

"Right, so big break up I take it."

"A little less severe than usual this time but still not great. It's never great."

"Well, I can tell you about one man who is definitely not a dog. My older brother."

Kim sneered. "Wick. I hear he's got a dick the size of a candle wick."

"Come on, you have to know that's a play on words and not really true."

"Is it true he's still a virgin?"

"Who told you that?"

"Word gets around. I heard it from Amy. We laughed for like two hours."

"He's a good guy who is respectful to women."

"He has to be, he hasn't got enough between his legs to fuck any of them."

"That is my brother you're talking about."

"I'm sorry but at this point in my life I can't date a guy if I can't have sex with him."

"No, see you can totally have sex with Wick if you want."

"And hold his hand through the process like we're back in high school. Sorry, hard pass. If I want to screw, I want the guy to know what he's doing and just give it to me hard and fuck me. I haven't got time for a virgin. The last one I slept with ended up getting all clingy and emotional like we were meant to be together all written in the stars and shit. Fuck that noise. Sex is sex not a cry party."

"Kim, that's horrifying."

"Maybe but it's true."

Ok, new tact. "I'm not going to offer you money for obvious reasons but there has to be something I can do for you."

"You're offering a favor if I take your brother's cherry?"

Lydia bobbed her head from side to side. "I just want to help facilitate you getting to know him better and seeing where it leads. You might actually like him."

"No. Any guy whose sister has to help him get a date is not the kind of guy for me."

...

It was the Friday before Wick's birthday. He was standing near the coffee machine wondering what he could do. The state should have paid him his salary with direct deposit that day so he'd have money. His choice would be go and see if he could legit pick up a girl or just take a plane to Vegas and go to a brothel. He had to do something. Lydia was driving him nuts with her stupid antics. She was panicking now that there was almost no time left. He was seriously considering just lying to her but his sense of honor wouldn't allow that as a backdoor to breaking his word.

For over a week now, his sister had taking to masturbating in front of him, jumping in the shower with him, watching porn on the tv, and even crawling into bed with him naked. No matter how much he told her he understood the consequences should he not get a girl to put out, she still pressed and nagged to no end. The really fucked up part of it all was he'd seen her naked and sexualizing herself so much recently that he'd sort of become desensitized to it the way no sibling should be.

Thankfully, even though she'd eventually gotten used to showing her body to him, she was still not really touching him, and averted her eyes from his own nakedness when he was naked. They hadn't actually crossed any real line yet, and it was really just encouragement.

"Hey, your cast finally came off."Marsha said to him as he wiped up the bit of coffee that he spilled on the counter.

"Yeah. Doc says I'm all good."

"Great."

Just then he looked at her and even though he'd gotten the hint that he was supposed to stay away from Marsha he just had to take a chance. "Um, my birthday is coming up and um ... Well ..."

"Happy birthday." she said.

"Thanks. Anyway, um ... I don't supposed you'd like to do something over the weekend? Just as friends. If not that's cool. Totally. I mean, you're probably already busy but if you had time then ..."

She looked down for a moment and Wick wasn't sure if he should go on or just shut up. Then she looked up at him with very real anger on her face. "You motherfucker. You reported me for sexual harassment and then you have the nerve to ask me out. Fuck you."

"Uh ... I'm sorry. I didn't report you actually. Um ... There must be some misunderstanding."

"Just get the hell out of my face before I smack you so hard your Y chromosomes all shrivel up and die causing you to become a girl."

"Right. Ok. Sorry again."

"Just shut up. I didn't like you setting me up for a write up before and I sure as hell am not going to take the bait now."

"It's not bait."

"I told you to ..."

She was going to continue but one of the other office members came in. "Everything alright in here?"

"Fine." Marsha said. "Just turning down the worst pick up line I've ever heard."

"It wasn't a pick up line." Wick defended.

"What did you do?" the other staffer asked.

"He tried to ask me out on a date." Marsha accused.

"I said just as friends."

"Oh, so now you don't want to date me?"

Wick was about to just walk away and not answer but then he stopped mid step and looked back at the both of them. "No." he said to them in an elevated voice. "I don't want to date you. Obviously I would never want to date someone like you. We work in the same office numskull. Dating you is a one way ticket to losing my job. But maybe that's all you want anyway. You're just trying to accuse me of something just to get me fired. What is it about me you don't like? Huh? You got a problem with Indians? Don't like Native Americans? Huh? Is that it?"

"Indian? No. You're white."

"I am a Native American. How dare you call me white." Wick had heard the man he used to believe to be his father say that he was 1/16 Indian, not that anyone could tell. Wick had gone through a whole phase in second grade when he borrowed every book the school library had on American Indians. He used to read about them and think to himself that those were his people. That was also one of the things he had to adjust about his self identity as a teenager. The mystique was gone and he had to come to terms with the fact that he was absolutely not special at all in any way or to anyone. He had no people. He barely had a family. He was really just a lone solitary man and no one was ever going to take care of him but himself.

"Oh, I didn't even know." Marsha tried to explain. "My grandmother is hispan ..."

"What she's trying to say is, she meant no disrespect to you or your indigenous culture." the other staffer said. "We're all very happy that you're working with us."

...

The ride home after Wick picked Lydia up was silent. It would have remained silent the whole time but Wick got a call from an unknown number. He handed the phone to Lydia to answer since he was driving.

"Hello?" a woman's voice said on the other end.

"Hello." Lydia said.

Then the caller hung up. With aggravation pulling on all the lines in his chest and neck, Wick pulled the car over, looked into his call history and called the number back.

"Hello?" Marsha answered.

"Hello. This is Wick."

"Oh, hi. I just tried to call you but I got some woman."

"That was my sister, Lydia." Wick explained.

"I'm totally just his sister." Lydia added.

"She just said ..."

"I heard." Marsha said. "You have a sister named Lydia?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that a bit ... I shouldn't say. I'm sorry to bother you."

"It's ok. Do they need me to come back to the office? Weekend work? What's going on?"

"No, nothing like that. Ok, look, we got off on way the wrong foot. Ok. I actually don't have any plans and if you want to go and do something, like you said, just as friends, than I think that would be great."

"Great. How about tomorrow?"

"Tonight." Lydia suggested as she tried to press in and hear.

"Wow." Marsha responded. "Tonight is good or tomorrow. Whichever you prefer."

"Tonight." Lydia said.

"My sister says tonight. I don't know why."

"Tonight is fine. I know a nice place. I'll text you the address. Maybe see you there at seven."

"Pick her up." Lydia said.

Wick put a finger to his lips to tell her to be quiet. "Ok. Seven it is. See you there."

"Great. Bye."

The silence of before gave way to Lydia launching into a barrage of advice for what Wick had to do on the date. Wick just tried to tune it out.

Back at the apartment, Wick looked up the address that was texted to him and he didn't have a good feeling about that place. It seemed a bit shady.

"I don't know about this." he said as he showed her the location on the map in the browser on his computer.

"Oh, this is perfect. She doesn't want to stay there all night. You meet for one drink then you take her to a better place."

Wick was shaking his head. "This girl has something against me. She's the one who ..."

Lydia stopped listening and started getting out of her clothes. "You're going or we can move up the schedule to tonight."

"Bluffing again?"

"I mean it. I'll do it."

"Cry wolf. Cry wolf."

Lydia wasn't going to take that. She moved a box of stuff out of the way, got on her knees next to his computer chair and reached for his dick.

"Hey. Stop that."

"You're going or we can just go ahead and start sibling fucking."

"You're not going to do nothing and you know it." He said as he got up and then retreated to his room.

She followed him and stopped him from slamming the door. She pushed her way in and once inside she got out of the last of her clothes.

"Do you have to do that every damn time?" he asked.

"Yes. I don't want to have sex any more than you do but this is your last chance and you know it. So if you don't go then we're doomed to this anyway and I'd rather just get it over with."

"Relax. ... Hey, what did I say?"

She went to her knees right in front of him and started to unzip his pants. That freaked him out enough that he started to immediately capitulate.

"Ok, ok, ok. I'll go. Just stop that." he said as he physically got his hands in the way to prevent her from whatever she was going to do.

After Wick was out of the house Lydia actually found herself praying in front of the TV that wick would be able to score with whoever this girl was. Please, just do it. Let this nightmare be over. Please just be like every other depraved male on the planet and put your dick in a willing pussy.

When Wick came home at only ten o'clock she was very worried.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing as in, no kiss and tell, or nothing as in ..."

"She stood me up."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"That place was fucking disgusting. I should have known."

"I'm so sorry."

...

The next day Wick had to go see the doctor about his arm. It hadn't started hurting worse again, though the hint of heat never fully went away. This was just a check up. He could finally take that damn thing off for good, which was a very good thing since his mom and his old dad were coming into town for his birthday over his objections. As he was talking with the doctor about what might have caused the pain and how to prevent it in the future, he seriously entertained the thought of asking the doctor lady out. He didn't see a wedding ring. If he couldn't ask her out, maybe he could get her to recommend a good therapist since he was sure he'd need one if he went through with fucking his sister.

"You should be ok to do most normal activities. I'd say you could even start your sports thing again."

"Yeah, I actually got a new job. Say, I don't want to be ... rude or anything but ..."

"But what?"

"Are you free tonight?"

The doctor looked up at the ceiling. "I don't date patients."

"Right. Sorry."

When Wick got home he could feel his sister's eyes on him. He had to do something. He had to make a move. "I give up." he said. "I'm calling Stephanie."

"NO!" Lydia objected.

"She's a sure thing, right?"

"No, not now. She's got something weird going on."

"I know. I saw. But ..."

"Not her. Please. Not her. I'll go ahead and put out for you before I let you have sex with her."

"Well, do you have anyone for me to call? ANYONE?"

...

On Monday morning, Wick needed two cups of coffee to get going after the weekend he'd had. Every moment he and his sister had stressed out about running out of time and now they had less than 24 hours to get Wick laid. Wick looked into a call girl but they were all way too expensive and of questionable legality.

After lunch, Wick came back to his desk and found a print out of a picture of him sitting in that disgusting bar. Under it someone had drawn a peace pipe and written a bunch of Indian style names like, Husband of Hand, Wanking in Corner, Jerks Off by Self, and Owner of Small Wick.

The funny thing was, Wick was just too damn drained to even care. He cared so little he didn't even notice when someone dropped off a key chain with the Washington Redskins logo on it as they passed his desk.

After work, Wick went to get Lydia. He had half a mind to walk into the building and fuck Stephanie or Emily right there in the workplace if either of them showed the slightest interest. It was Lydia who told him that things in the office had suddenly gotten very real that day and she needed to get out of there before her boss went on the war path.

Back at the apartment Wick was just staring off into space. All his options and Lydia's options had dried up. At this point, on top of being a virgin, everyone in town knew he was looking for a date and couldn't find one. It was hopeless.

Not much was said that evening before bed, but as midnight neared Lydia knocked on Wick's door.

"You still up?'' she asked.

"Yeah. Having trouble sleeping."

"It's almost time."

"I know."

"What are we going to do?" she asked.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm sorry I made you give me your word."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it."

Lydia looked at the clock by his night stand. "Hey, look. You just turned 21." Then she added in a very weak voice, "yay".

"Go to bed." he commanded. He didn't think she would obey but she did. She was out of there like lightning.

...

The next morning there was a sort of angry tension between Wick and Lydia. Wick slammed his door a bit harder than perhaps he should have when he got into his car.

"Hurry up." he told his sister as she was getting into her side.

Once he got her to work he wanted to just leave but then he got the idea to do something. He put the car in park and went into the front of the building. Sure enough, there was Emily at the receptionist desk.

"Emily." he said in a stern tone as he went to the counter. "Stand up."

She looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. "What makes you think you can tell me what to do?"

Wick let out a disappointed sigh as he ignored her. "Useless idiot. I swear." he said loud enough for her to hear. Then he just went around her desk and started for the back office.

"Hey, you can't go ..." He wasn't listening to her. He just went into the back office, found the coffee and started making his own.

"I didn't know we hired a new coffee boy to bring me my morning brew." He heard Lydia's boss say.

He didn't turn to look at her. "The fact that I have to make my own coffee in this place tells me right away that you all have something wrong with you."

"Excuse me!"

Wick snapped the lid on his coffee and spun military style to look at her. "Did I stutter or do you just have bad hearing?" he said as she pushed past her.

Stephanie followed him as Wick left and while Lydia was keeping out of sight, Emily showed up to start apologizing to her boss about Wick's behavior.

When Wick got to his parking space at the capital building, he took is first sip of the coffee. Ah, that was the good stuff and way better than that shit they had in his office.

In the office there was more Indian stuff put by his desk but it was also accompanied by a small cupcake that had a note that said "Happy Birthday".

Wick just got to his work and powered through his stack.

"Hey, I didn't know you were a Red Skins fan." Marsha said as she came by.

"What do you want and make it quick. I don't have time for your bullshit."

"Aw, is da widdle Indian boy upset?"

Wick looked up at her with anger and tilted his head to the side. "About what?"

"You know."

Wick stood up with an aggressive pose. "NO! I don't know. Now answer the question. About WHAT!"

Marsha was speechless and startled for a moment so Wick continued.

"You think I care about your stupid trinkets. Really? I have real life shit going on over here and you think I'm worried about you. You are so fucking full of yourself I'd suggest some constipation medication for you but I'm afraid if you release all the hot air in your head where your brain is supposed to be you'll stink up the place and we won't be able to get any work done, not that you ever do any work. But hey, if you want to waste your money buying shit for me, go ahead. I'll still never date you no matter how many presents you give me. I honestly can't see why any man would."

Marsha was trying to collect her words to formulate a comeback but then Wick just yelled "GO!" at her and she moused away.

Once the dumb bitch was gone Wick looked over at the clock. His parents, or rather his mom and the guy who used to be his dad, were probably both in town at this point. He was so not looking forward to this birthday dinner they wanted to throw him, and on a Tuesday night of all nights. Why couldn't they wait until the weekend? He was dreading every tick of the clock that brought him closer to seeing his mom and his dad in the same room together again. YUCK.

When it was close to quitting time everyone in the office surprised Wick with a wrapped present and everyone singing. Marsha was noticeably absent, not that Wick would have wanted her there. Wick opened the gift and it was a really nice pen. He thanked them and tried to be cooler headed than he'd been all day.

Once he was free, he sped down the road as fast as the little beat up car would take him, which a was annoyingly slightly under the speed limit so other cars were constantly passing him.

Once he was again at Lydia's office he again just barged in and this time he didn't even pause to acknowledge that Emily was there. He walked right past his sister as well and went directly to Stephanie's office.

Bang, bang, bang he rapped on her door frame.

"I assume you're here to apologize for earlier." she said as she looked up at him.

"I'm sorry." Emily's voice came from behind Wick. "He just marched in. I couldn't stop him."

"It's ok. I'll handle it."

"Oh, look, everyone's here." said Wick. "Quick question for you Stephanie. How big is my dick?"

"Smaller than you think." Stephanie said.

"THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER."

"Where do you get off yelling at me?"

"You're going around telling all of these people that we had sex when all that really happened was you got drunk and passed out. We never had sex, lady. The closest we ever got to it was you giving me a front row seat to you getting a DP."

"Emily, leave us." Stephanie said.

"No, let her stay and hear how you wanted me to join in when you were fucking three guys at the same time, I mean literally at the same fucking time. One in the front, one in the rear, and even one shoving it down your throat." Then Wick turned to Emily to see her shocked reaction face.