The V Card Swap

"We should talk about this in private."

"No. You went and told everyone publicly that we had sex. Take that shit back cause it never happened."

"Agreed. It never happened. And just for the record, no woman will ever want to have sex with you. You're going to die a virgin."

"Better a virgin than a dick pincushion. Oh, and you're welcome for the time I saved your life."

"Saved my life?"

"You were going to choke on your own vomit but I saved you. Go team virgin." he said as he pumped his fist in the air and then did an about face and just left her hanging.

In the hall he saw his sister and she looked mortified by all this. Wick turned back to Stephanie and Emily.

"Oh, and if you ever fire my sister I'm uploading the video I have of you on the internet."

"What video?" Stephanie asked with fear in her voice.

"If you never want people to find out, don't ever cross me." Then Wick turned to his sister. "Get your shit and let's go."

...

The dinner for his 21st birthday was less awkward than he would have imagined. Both of his parents were cordial to each other even when his mother sprung a new boyfriend on them. His dad's young new wife was pleasant as always. His sister Jane had her husband in tow as usual and they brought with them a foster child that Wick did not know about. As part of the festivities they insisted that Wick take his first taste of alcohol. Wick didn't really like it, or how it made him light headed afterwards but whatever. He'd known this was probably coming.

It was absolutely the wrong time for it but as the dinner was winding down, the pain in Wick's arm suddenly surged up and Wick actually cried out in agony. Everyone was startled by this new development and Lydia went to her brother and started to press her thumb into his forearm in the one spot that she knew worked a bit to soothe the pain.

"What's wrong?" their mother asked.

"It's a sports injury." Lydia said when she saw that Wick was in too much pain to talk.

Everyone started to crowd around Wick, even some of the wait staff at the restaurant. Lydia had to ask them all to give them space.

"Where's your medicine?" Lydia asked.

"At home."

"Ok. I'll drive."

"No license."

"I don't care."

"Son, don't leave this to chance. Call an ambulance." his former father said.

"He'll be ok if we can just get him to his medicine." Lydia objected.

"Why didn't you tell me he ..." her mother started to say.

"Mom, shut up." Wick cried at her.

"Sorry, mom. He's in a lot of pain, you have no idea."

"Can we just go already. AH!"

Wick didn't know how things with the restaurant were settled but Jane drove his car to his apartment building and before long his whole family, foster kid and all, were in his tiny apartment.

"How you feeling, son?" his father asked. About a half hour after Wick had taken his meds.

"A bit better. We'll see if I get any sleep tonight."

"I wish I could stay but I have to get a flight to London and I'll be there for at least a week. But if you need anything, you can call my secretary and she'll ..."

"I have full benefits from the state. I'll be fine."

"Yeah. I know. ... You know what, let me buy you a car."

"A car." Jane piped in.

"I have a car." Wick objected.

"But that one doesn't sound like it's in such hot shape. You need something reliable."

"I'll be fine, ... dad."

"Ok. Not for you. For me. Can you let me do this for you just for my own ego. Please, son."

"Can we talk about this later?"

"Sure. Of course son. Whenever you're ready."

Lydia brought his medical brace over and started to strap it to his arm.

"I hate this fucking thing." Wick said.

"Well, tough, you're going to wear it." Lydia snapped at him.

Wick went to relax on the bed in his room and there were conversations happening in his living room that he wasn't privy to. Then later they came and told him that while the rest of them all had to go, Jane would be staying behind until the weekend to take care of him. Wick figured as much. If anyone is going to be getting anything from their father, Jane wanted to be there with her hand out as well, as always.

It was finally time to say goodbye to everyone and they all left save Jane and of course Lydia.

"What are we going to do?" Lydia asked Wick when Jane was in the shower and wouldn't be able to hear.

"Nothing." Wick said. "I go to work just as I did before."

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. Wait, that does mean nothing, right? As in no ... you know."

"The sex thing? You're talking about that? Not with Jane in the apartment. Duh."

"But what about all the talk about keeping our word to each other."

"These are extenuating circumstances. We'll both get in a lot of legal trouble if we do it with her here so we have to wait."

"Right. Extenuating circumstances. Totally. So as long as Jane's here, we can't; even if we wanted to."

"I have to agree. But look on the bright side, this gives me a little more time to score."

"Oh, ok. I get what you're saying. So if you can score tomorrow then we don't have to do this with ... each ... you know."

"Correct. And then we will have been honest and kept our word to each other."

"Or maybe Jane being here is a sign from like the universe or something that we're not supposed to do this at all and we should both back out."

"I don't like it any more than you do but we gave our word. And would you please stop saying universe when really you mean to say God or heaven. It's not like people don't know what you're actually referring to."

"Which would you rather do, break your word to me while I'm literally standing in front of you asking you to do just that or have sex with your sister?"

"I'm not going to break my word. This agreement was your idea not mine and I objected to it. You pushed me into it."

"Damn, why do you always have to remember that?"

"Look, just pick the cutest, or sluttiest girl you know and throw her my way if you want out of this so bad. Who would you rather I have sex with, you or Stephanie's accountant?"

"Fine. I'll do it."

...

The next morning, when Jane said she wanted to drive them, Wick just laughed at her. He made her stay at the apartment while he did his usual thing of driving Lydia to work.

Once at work, Lydia tried to smooth things over from her brother's earlier behavior. When she found a chance, she went to see the accountant in her office. However, after only hinting at the subject, the accountant stopped Lydia in her tracks.

"I see what you're doing." the accountant said.

"Whatever do you mean?" Lydia said as she tried to hedge.

"I understand why you might not know. I'm very private about it but I'm actually gay."

"Gay?"

"I tell you in confidence. I'm not hiding it per se but I don't want it to be the first thing people think about whenever they talk to me. I'm more than just who I have sex with."

"Oh, sure. Totally. But have you ever tried it with a man? Thought about it at least? By brother is sort of cute, right?" She couldn't believe she was saying that but sex with a lesbian had to be better for Wick than his sister.

"Indeed not. Sorry I can't help you."

...

"You're not getting sympathy from me just by putting that thing back on." Marsha said as she sat her ass on the edge of Wick's desk.

"Right, cause your sympathy was what I was thinking of when my arm felt like it was being dipped in acid and set on fire."

"What the hell is even wrong with your arm anyway?"

"It's complicated and I don't expect you to understand."

"Oh, cause of all the farts in my skull?"

"If you had anything more in there they wouldn't have had to hire a primitive like me to do witch doctoring to your documents."

"I admit, that was almost clever."

"Clever enough for you to call it a day or are you going to bother me more."

"Oh, I'm sorry, your highness. I didn't know you'd been selected as the new chief of your tribe. Your time must be so much more valuable than that of a mere lawyer like me."

"Well unlike rich lawyers such as yourself, I have bills to pay and a moral imperative to do a good job in order to feel that I've earned my wages."

Wick looked back down at his work and Marsha made a move to leave but then came back.

"Ok, can we have a truce for a moment?"

"Dammit girl, are you still here?"

"I'm serious. Yesterday went a little too far. For both of us. Now, we have to work in the same office so I think we need to end it before it goes even farther and in that spirit I call a truce. I'll say I'm sorry for what I did and I hope you're willing to do the same."

"You telling me that you will in the future say that you are sorry does not equate you saying sorry in the present."

"You sure you didn't go to law school?"

"Didn't even go to college."

"What? Seriously?"

"If you're thinking of trying to use that as ammo against me, you should know that I really don't care."

"No. No more ammo. No more fighting. I'm sorry for what I did. I will leave you alone from now on."

"You're really making this sound like its some kind of trap."

"No trap. I stop going against you and you stop going against me."

"Well, fine by me. You leave me alone and I've no reason to jab back."

"And no more leaving things on my desk." she said.

Wick looked up at her. "I didn't leave anything on your desk."

"Come on. I know it was you."

"If it had been me I would go ahead and tell you but as it was not me all I can say is I don't know what your talking about."

"Really? The woopie cushion wasn't you?"

"No. I don't even know which desk is yours."

"What? How can you not know?"

"Cause when I come to work I work, not stalk my coworkers."

"Damn. I was hoping it was you. That means someone else is fucking with me."

"Well I can definitely say I'm innocent of that."

"You know, we should team up and find out who it is."

"When I come to work I ... I do work."

"What are you, a square?"

"I'm a guy with bills to pay who doesn't want to lose his job."

"They never fire anyone here."

"Well if they ever start, do you think they're going to take aim at the fancy rich lawyer who thinks she's better than everyone else or the impoverished half breed schlub who didn't even go to college?"

"I do not think I'm better than everyone else. Who says that? And I'm not rich. I've got a mountain of student loans to pay off."

"Your clothes cost more than I make in a month."

"I have a high limit on my credit card."

"You have a credit card? Like a real one and not one of those scams they send to suckers like me with the loan shark interest rates?"

"Yeah, of course a real one. All credit cards are real. ... Aren't they?"

"You tell me fancy lawyer lady."

"Ok, now look, you're going to have to stop that. Talking me up like I'm high class is almost the same as a put down. I'm a normal human being the same as everyone else. And even though I'm a lawyer, everyone in this office starts at the same pay grade and gets the same raises based on seniority."

"Hold up. Is that a jab about my age?"

"No. I'm just saying ... There's no talking to you."

"Are you the only lawyer in this office?"

"No. This kind of thing on your resume looks good for a future judge. About half of us are lawyers."

"Oh, that figures."

"Why do you say that?"

"Cause this here. I've read this sentence four times since you came over here."

"Let me see. Oh, well that's basic contract law stuff."

"Basic? Explain it to me."

...

The day should have been like any other day but instead of wanting the clock to tick faster, Lydia was secretly hoping that time would stop. To get her mind off things, she tried to do as much work as possible but somehow distracting herself from the clock only made time seem to speed up.

Before she could even begin to be prepared to face her brother, there he was. He strolled into the office like he owned the place, went right up to the receptionist counter, leaned in and snapped his fingers at Emily.

"You owe me." he said to her.

"What are you talking about?"

"We had a verbal agreement to go on a date and you unilaterally pulled out after I had already held up my end. You cheated me out of the rest of our date."

"What's your point?"

"My point is, you legally owe me the rest of that date."

"Legally? Sue me."

"Believe it or not but I could. Found that out today from a new lawyer friend of mine."

"No way. You can sue for a date?"

"Apparently you can and dozens of people do it every year."

"So you're like ... actually threatening to sue me?"

"I haven't threatened anything. I'm sure lots of people who are owed dates never sue cause they don't want to deal with the hassle of going to court over something like that. But then again you do owe me the date and you did just dare me to sue you."

"Wait, they can't make you go on a date, can they?"

"Amazingly, they can. But don't worry. I officially forgive your debt to me. So now, you only have to go on a date with me if you can convince me that you're worth dating."

"That I'm worth ... Hey, you're the one who's ..."

Wick started laughing which caused Emily to become quiet.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled out. "I'm trying to stop but ..." Wick got distance from her and then slowly made his way to the door going to the offices, leaving Emily there stunned as to what exactly had just happened.

Once Wick was in the office area he scanned for his sister but she wasn't around. She was in fact hiding from him in the bathroom.

"Oh, hey hot stuff." Wick said as he went up to Stephanie's door.

"Hot Stuff?" she objected.

"Hey, you can tell everyone we had sex but I can't call you hot stuff? What kind of world is that?"

"You already made yourself perfectly clear the last time you were here. What do you want?"

"I'm having trouble figuring out if we owe each other the rest of our date or not. I'm leaning towards no, but I suppose I ... in fairness I should ask your opinion on the subject to see if there's anything more from the date that you think I owe you."

"How considerate. No. I believe I'm fine. After all, you do claim to have saved my life. What more could I ask from a date?"

"True, true. Plus if either of us were to ask for more, that might legally conflict with the fact that you're married. You can't legally make an agreement to break the law and cheating on your husband is still technically illegal, though no one is going to enforce that."

"I'm still having trouble understanding something, though. You weren't gentleman enough to refuse the date because I was married but you were gentleman enough to not have sex with me when I was drunk. How odd?"

"Those things are like night and day. Your divorce is imminent and I was led to believe you weren't interested in a long term relationship, just someone to gratify you."

"You know, you can be a really nice young man when you try to be polite instead of a rage monster."

"And you can be quite the good time when your blood alcohol doesn't get too high. No sex required."

She chuckled a bit at that and seemed to almost blush. "Well, to fully answer your previous inquiry, no I don't feel you owe me anything but I would like you to get rid of whatever video you have. Then maybe if you wanted to have another go at dinner, ... I'm open to it."

"Well, isn't that nice. I might just take you up on that. If not dinner than a nice platonic lunch."

"Looking forward to it."

Wick went in search of his sister and discovered that she'd already exited the building and gone to his car.

"What were you talking to my boss about? This isn't going to explode again, is it?"

"Nope. Took care of it. Emily might be a bit mad though."

"Fuck, what did you say to her?"

"I just laughed at her and wouldn't let her get a word in."

"But ... what were you laughing at?"

"At her. What else?"

"Anyway, Jane has been texting me today. She seems so happy."

"Yeah, I got an email from dad. Jane talked him into giving her the car he promised me."

"He can't do that. That car should be yours."

"I told him I didn't want it. He's free to buy a car for whoever he wants."

"But he said he'd buy one for you. He should honor that. Jane can't take that away from you.

"There was no consideration."

"Exactly. Jane is the most inconsiderate person I've ever ..."

"No. Consideration. It's a legal term. It means there was no give and take. The only way I could hold someone to giving me a car is if I put up something to give them of approximately equal value. Squid Pro Quote."

"But you're his son. Even if there is ... you know ... a lack of biology, I mean we thought he was our dad and he thought he was our dad. What I'm saying is, ... we have a connection whether he wants to admit it or not."

"I'm guessing he only really wants to if it's convenient for him."

"But think about all the places that Jane's been. Paris. That big rock thing in Australia. Rio de Janeiro. And what do we have? A car that's on its last leg and an apartment that would be infested by roaches if it weren't on the 12th floor."

"How can you honestly complain about it not being infested?"

"You remember what it was like when dad was around. Life was so good. And then he left and ..."

"Everything went to shit. Only for me it was already shit."

"How can you say that? You wanted Optimus Prime for Christmas and dad got it for you."

"That was the only time he got me what I wanted and it was the crap prime from the movie not the real one."

"It was a toy robot that turned into a truck. There is no real one."

"You don't by chance remember what happened to Optimus Prime?"

"Remember what happened to your toy robot? No. Why should I?"

"Oh, I just thought you'd remember of all people. You went to dad and told him I wasn't playing with it because I didn't want it and got him to say it was yours. Then when I tried to take it back you'd rather it be broken than let me have it."

"Oh. Well, you weren't playing with it. I still don't know why you got so upset."

"Well, I guess I can go ahead and just take your laptop and install Linux on it."

"No, it's mine. Hands off."

"You don't use it."

"It's broken. It's got like a virus or something."

"All the more reason for me to just rid you of it."

"No. I've got my personal stuff on there."

"You're never going to use it again. Why shouldn't I take it?"

"It's mine. What's so hard to understand about that?"

"She even has to ask that question."

"Hey, a toy robot is one thing. A computer is completely different."

"Only different in your mind. Your sick, twisted, hot for your own brother mind."

"I am not hot for you."

"Yeah, just keep telling yourself that."

"Shut up. I'm not talking to you."

There was silence until they got to the apartment building. Lydia was going to rush out but Wick patted her on the shoulder to tell her to settle back down.

"What?" he asked.

"Jane still up there?"

"Yes."

"Well, we can't talk with her in the apartment and I've got something to say."

"What?" she asked with concern since she knew what it must be about.

"I knew the moment dad said he'd buy me a car that he wouldn't keep his word. In fact, parents breaking their word is so common, there's a law about it that basically says it's ok and the kids can't sue."

"Really?"

"Yep. Anyway, we've always known that we can't rely on dad. He doesn't even want to be our dad. And I started working with the league because they kept their word to me when my other boss lied to me all the time. He was just stringing me along. He gypped me out of my pay twice even after he swore he'd pay me for my overtime. I hate being lied to. Whether they're offering me a new car or nothing but a punch in the face, I only want to deal with people I can trust to keep to their word."