Having a Reason to Live

I had had a problem but I hadn't been trying to really address it. I was finally able to complete that thought. I probably needed a girlfriend but not the Latina girl. She wasn't a good fit. I needed to find the loosest woman at the school and just attach myself to her. Even if she was cheating on me with lots of other guys, I couldn't really be upset since I'd only really be using her as a kind of medical therapy. I should date a porn star.

It was a very awkward ride with mom after school. Neither of us said anything about what had happened. When mom dropped me off at home I found my older sister Lisa cleaning and good to my word I helped her with no fuss even though she was saying mean stuff to me since I hadn't been treating her very well recently. I told her I was sorry about the shower and she thought I meant that it was clogged up again. She told me to go clean it out. I didn't want to explain so I did it. My sister came to check up on me. Then she went to the toilet, dropped her pants and sat down. I attempted to give her some privacy but she wasn't hearing it. She wanted me to finish cleaning the drain.

Her behavior might seem strange but the fact was, my sisters and I had been using the bathroom in front of each other since I'd come back from the hospital. In my rage state I didn't think anything of it except that I'd like to rip the rest of her clothes off and then penetrate her, which I of course did not do. But I was so preoccupied with my own internal struggle, I hadn't mentally processed the fact we pissed and shat in front of each other so we could continue arguing without the door in the way. Incredible. It was like I was sleepwalking the entire damn time. What the hell?

I examined the drain, which had started not that dirty but now was as clean as I could get it and I chuckled to myself. I had been the one to start the 'using the toilet in front of each other' thing. I was the first one to barge in, whip my dick out, and take a piss without a care if they saw me or not. Then it was my younger sister Sally who did it back to me and got no reaction of shock and then it just became something all three of us did. And here I was, party to these events and feeling like I was remembering them for the very first time.

Lisa was flushing as I came out and washed my hands. For some reason she wanted to wash her hands before pulling up her underwear and shorts so she waddled over to the sink and pushed me out of the way. I waited and then checked out her ass. She had a nice ass. I discovered that even without all my angry thinking I was still sexually attracted to her and I did not feel bad about that. Of course, she'd probably object and she'd probably feel bad about it but ...

"Hey, are you staring at my ass?"

"It is a nice ass." I admitted.

"What's wrong with you today?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "My new therapy started to kick in."

I saw her in the mirror roll her eyes at me. "I bet half the stuff they have you on is placebo."

I continued to watch her ass as she continued to do a really thorough job of washing her hands. I know I should have been more discreet about it but I did really like her ass and I felt a bit of a twitch in my balls. I bet it would feel really nice to reach out and just put my palm right there. And then I was getting an erection. This was a strange reaction. It wasn't like before. Before I was angry about the fact that I was attracted to them. Why couldn't they wear more clothes? Why couldn't they behave more dignified? I disliked my reaction to her and I blamed her for it and I wanted to hurt her for it. I hated her because she made me want her but I knew I could never have her. But now, I looked at her and I really just wanted to be nice to her in the hopes that she'd let me tag her legit. I knew that was still impossible. Even after what had happened with my mother, I had come out of whatever mental illness was affecting me and I knew that it really was impossible.

Of course she'd never say yes anyway even if I made the attempt. Mom was a strange special exception that had happened and I needed to tell her that she was off the hook and we didn't need to do that anymore. I was better now and I wanted to stay that way. I wouldn't be like before. I'd make sure of it. I wouldn't be ungrateful. I'd be a good son who loved his family from here on in.

"Ok, pervert, you can wash your hands now." Lisa said as she pulled up her bottoms and then gave me a look.

"Thanks."

"And don't think I don't know what you're trying to do."

"Huh?"

"I don't care if you are shitting or pissing or jacking off for the millionth time. You aren't getting this bathroom."

"What? Oh, well ..."

"And you can look at my ass all you want and pretend whatever you want but you aren't running us out of here. The hallway bathroom is ours and we're keeping it. Got it?"

"I know."

She was surprised that I didn't want to fight. "Well ... good. Just remember. And don't pull that hot water crap again either cause I will kick you out and take the shower for myself."

I shrugged. "It's not my fault the heater's broken sometimes."

"You say that but I wouldn't put it past you."

"If you're that worried about it, why don't we just take our showers together."

"Yeah, and saying shit like that isn't going to scare me off either. I'll straight up do it and I won't care if you get a stiff one or not."

"Hey, something to look forward to." I said as I turned the knob on the faucet and wiped my hands. "Next."

"Next what?" she demanded as if this was a fight.

"We're cleaning the house. What's the next thing you want me to do?"

She was right about to attack again but then pulled back. "Oh ... um ... unload the dishwasher. Think you can handle that without breaking anything?"

"I guess we'll see."

I helped until it was time to go do my volunteer community service thing but when I got there I got the feeling like everyone really just wanted me to quit and stay home. I'd been an asshole to them too and hadn't realized it. I tried to make amends as best I could but they weren't going to trust me with anything other than stuffing envelopes. So yeah, maybe a job where I could bring in some money to help out the family would be better. At least then everything I bought wouldn't be coming from my dad's money.

Dinner that night was sort of tense for me. It's funny when you've been being an asshole and then you have to deal with that. My dad told me he appreciated my efforts for that day. The nicer he was to me the more I felt terrible about what I'd done with mom. The fact that she was my mother didn't even really come into the equation really. The shock that you might expect to be present in my mind about such a taboo just wasn't presenting itself. A part of me felt like it was fine. My mom was still hot and I'd like to fuck her again if given the chance. The part that bothered me about it wasn't that at all. The part that bothered me was the fact that it would really hurt my dad if he found out his wife had cheated on him.

I don't think anyone else noticed besides me but my mother was being a bit more quiet than usual. Every now and then I would catch her looking in my direction but she didn't look away when our eyes would meet. It was like she was silently trying to say something but I could only guess as to what. She had a stern yet kind face that I didn't know how to interpret. Why couldn't life go back to being simpler?

In the evening I was looking at a job postings website and found out that I really didn't have the education for the kinds of jobs I could physically do and I didn't have the physical health yet for most of the jobs that my education level would allow me to get. Why did you need a high school diploma to be a cashier at a convenience store? I'm not knocking the job or the people that do it but they don't even need to count the money anymore. The machine does that for them.

I was feeling a bit discouraged when my mom came to my room. "Well, how are you feeling?" she asked.

"Better." I answered.

"I heard. Lisa says she thought you were trying to pick a fight but then realized you were just being awkward."

"I did as you asked. I helped with the cleaning."

"Thank you. I really appreciate it."

"I'm sorry." I said.

"For what? You did as ..."

"About what we did."

She put her hand up to stop me from saying any more and then shook her head. "You and Lisa did something?"

I got the hint. Someone could hear us. "We wasted a lot of time cleaning the bathroom when it wasn't really dirty."

"Don't worry about it. It was your time to waste. You can't be all work."

"Still, I'll try to be more focused in the future."

"I'm sure that would help. Do you have a plan for tomorrow and the weekend?"

"Not really, except try to find a job."

"Well, I wasn't going to mention this with how you were acting before but as long as you're behaving yourself, we got a letter from a company that would like to publish your story."

"What kind of company?"

"A publishing company. They recommended that you work with a ghost writer and write a book about being a survivor. It's supposed to be inspirational."

I didn't really like the idea of mentally reliving any of my illness in order to tell someone about it so they could write a book with my name on it but then again, this did sound like a job I could do? "Do we get paid?"

"There is a bit of an advance and you'll get some royalties when the book is sold. Now, I want to say clearly that it would be your money. You make the contract with the publisher. You sign it. They pay you. That would be your money."

"But it would be good if I could help out." I said it a bit like a question.

She nodded. "You don't have to but if you do, your father and I promise to find a way to pay you back."

"How much is the advance?"

"They didn't give me a set number. I don't imagine it would be that much. The royalties are rather small. Less than what independent authors get but they say they can make sure more of the books get sold."

"Well, I probably need the ghost writer guy to help me anyway."

"So you want to respond?"

"Can't hurt just to see what they're offering. I know we could use the money."

"Thank you for understanding. I'll tell your father."

That was the end of that conversation and pretty much the end of my night. I did look at more job postings but it was the same problem for me over and over again.

...

Day 2

"Are you Jason?" the young blond with big tits asked me. I'd seen her before at school. She hung out with the Latina girl who was trying to get me to have a crush on her so she could use it to hurt me if I ever asked her out on a date and the dumb big tits redhead who thought she was better than me.

"Rachel?" I asked to confirm her name.

"That's me."

Why was she smiling at me? It was creepy. Oh, she must want something. Yes, now that I'm no longer going to die society demands that I do favors for women who only want to ever put me in the friend zone and don't see me as a fellow member of the human species.

"Yeah, I'm Jason."

"Great. They told me that you needed a study partner."

Dumb slut, go away. I'm not interested in letting you cheat off of me. I'm literally the weakest student in the school both academically and physically. You have nothing to gain from me. "I'll be ok. But thanks."

"Well, they assigned everyone else already. So you're stuck with me."

I swallowed. Look at all the make up on her face. Why doesn't she want to let the world see what she really looks like? Or maybe she put it on just to bother me, like that time a week ago when she was bending over in front of me. She does all these little things just to piss me off and get on my nerves. She acts like she's coming onto me but really she just wants to use me. She'd never date me. She'd never care for me. Even if she did see something in me she wanted and became my girlfriend to get access to it, she'd still cheat on me all the damn time. This dumb bitch could fucking die and go to hell for all I cared about her. Get the fuck out of my life!

Was this why I was spared from death? To have to put up with this? Really? "Is there a rule that says you have to study with me?"

"Not exactly."

"Well, look. ... It's not you." Yes totally, it was her. "It's me. I'm not a very fun person and I already have a hard enough time learning all this on my own."

"Which is why they asked me to help you." she responded.

Yeah, right. Like she was going to help me. Who the hell did she think she was?

"I'll be fine."

She looked like she honestly could not believe that I was shutting her little scam down but then shook it off. "Ok. If you change your mind or just want to ask a question or anything, I'll be here for you."

Ah, but the entire problem was that I didn't want her here for me or by me or near me. I wanted her to get the hell away from me. "Thank. You. For offering." Yeah, it was actually difficult for me to say that.

You would think that maybe she'd finally go away but no. "Here's my number. We have a quiz on Monday so if you want to study you know what to do."

Why do people have to be so annoying? Why do the damn lights in the building have to be so bright? Why did their constant chattering have to be so loud? Why did I still go to this fucking school with it's incompetent staff who couldn't teach worth a damn? I wanted to claw my eyes out if I had to look at one more whore flash me her fucking underwear when she sat in the high stool by the white board. Seriously, why would they want to do that? I know they aren't going to have sex with me so stop trying to deliberately turn me on.

After school, my mother came to pick me up like I was some little kid who needed adult supervision. She had some nerve, adulteress that she was. By all rights my father should divorce her rotten ass and throw her out on the street. And while he's at it, he can throw out those two nudists sisters of mine who seem to revel in showing me their off limits tits and bush at every single fucking opportunity.

We were about two minutes into the commute back home when she suddenly asked me "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

I thought that for fucking once she'd taken the damn hint and dropped it. She didn't say anything else right away. Instead, she took a detour from the direct route home. I didn't pay any mind to it. I was busy thinking about that pain in my neck ditz with no bra who worked at the volunteer center and how I was going to have to deal with her idiot ass. Why did I even bother?

My mother got off the highway and drove the car around the back side of a business that wasn't open. She parked and looked around before getting out. "Come on." she commanded.

"What?"

"Come on. Get out."

"You're dropping me off?"

"Well, I can't bring you home with that attitude."

"What attitude?"

"That right there. You're still on thin ice if you don't remember."

"I'm not on nothing."

"Get out and let me show you something."

"What?"

"Get out and see." she said as she got out of the car and went around to the back to the trunk. Of course, since she was asking me to get out of the car I had to decide that I definitely was not going to get out of the car. Then she came around to my side and tapped on my window and waved for me to come. I let a minute pass. Then another. Then a few more. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw her standing out there looking at her phone. Hell, I'll never out wait her phone. Fuck. Looks like I had to go out there.

I got out of the car and she gave me a snarky smile. "What?" I asked.

Instead of answering verbally, she went to the trunk and bent over it placing her face all the way down to the metal and spread her legs.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Don't you want to fuck mommy?"

"You're bringing that up. What the hell?"

"I'm waiting."

"Let's just go home."

She started to hike her skirt up and eventually exposed her panty covered ass to me. "What are you waiting for."

"You want it? Fine!"

My rage boner seemed to have a mind of its own and naturally pointed itself like scaffolding hanging off of a skyscraper at my mother's firm round cheeks. As I got close to her I discovered that she was wet. She was soaking through her panties.

In hind sight, I probably should have pulled her panties down but at the time I decided to just move them out of the way and ram my cock into her as hard as I could. She whimpered in pain for a second but when I wanted to just stop and savor the moment of my cock being balls deep into her, she encouraged me to start going and fuck her.

Oh, yeah. That was some nice pussy. From the base of my cock to the tip of the head, my mother's cunt hugged me tight and she was doing some muscle contraction thing that felt great. Did this count as the second or third time for me to fuck her? Hell if I knew or even really cared. I couldn't clearly remember the other night so I wasn't sure. I just knew that when the head of my cock seemed to bump what I assume was her cervix, I started to unload my semen into her. I had the very strange sensation of my cum originating in an area around my asshole and shooting out through my dick. Boy was there a lot of it too. It started to leak out of her before I was even all the way finished and pulled out.

I was standing there speechless with my dick hanging out while I watched my mom fix her clothes and then give me a look while she had her hands on her hips.

"Did you enjoy yourself. It sure felt like you did."

"Uh ... yeah." I said in my non angry voice.

"So, as per article one, section one of our agreement; I've given you what you want so now I expect you to knock off the bad attitude. Can you do that for me please?"

It took a second for my brain to process what she was saying. "Oh, um ... yeah. Don't worry."

"Good." Then she did a very flippy about face and walked away from me to get back to the car.

I had to clear my throat and then get my dick back undercover. What the hell had we just done? And for the second time no less. And yes I fucking knew it was the second time. I got back into the car and got my seat belt on. I looked over at my mom and she just smiled at me as if we hadn't just done this huge thing that I was pretty sure was illegal.

"So, how was school, kiddo?"

"Kiddo? Seriously?"

"I'm your mother, I'm allowed to call you whatever I want."

"I don't suppose you want to talk about what just happened?"

"What's there to talk about?"

"I mean, what about dad? What about the police? What about ..."

"We've all made sacrifices so that you can still be here with us. If I have to sacrifice a little more, I'm ok with it. As for your father, well, let's make sure he doesn't find out but if he does he's going to just have to understand cause I am not throwing my son out on the street in your condition."

"I'm not sick anymore, mom."

"Son, your insides were like swiss cheese. Every place where the cancer was, was then suddenly empty and your body had to regrow to fill it back in. Ok. Do you get it? So as far as I'm concerned; yes, you are still sick. And that's the end of it. I'm not giving up on you and if that means I need to give you some one on one mommy love love time every now and then, then that's just what we're going to have to do."

"Oh, come on, mom. Don't give it a name."

"Did you enjoy yourself?" she asked as her hand came over to feel my thigh. I jerked away from her touch so she pulled back. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? We just ... you know. You were there."

"I know. It's what you asked for."

"I know. I know I did. But I shouldn't have. It was wrong."

"You didn't like it?"

"I didn't mean that. I mean, well, doing it was very nice of course."